This is the story of a raccoon. Before reading this story, I should give you some background information, so you know what I'm talking about. Everyone knows what a raccoon is, it's the nasty furry beast that you see pulling garbage out of the trash barrels in your back yard within three minutes. This is much to your dismay because you know that you're the one who will have to clean it up. However, few know of the history of raccoons. For this reason, I will reveal that which has remained hidden until now.

The first racoon was born in the year 3051 B.C. somewhere in east-central Africa. It was born of the great warlord Ralton, the leader of a certain animal which is now extinct. The name of this species is so redoubtable that I will not even type it for fear that it incapacitate you, and I don't have the money to pay a lawyer to defend myself against your suing me. Anyway, the first racoon was born of the warlord Ralton, and his wife, Pselma (the crossing of their two species created te raccoons). Pselma was from the species which is now called "house cat". The first racoon, when he was born, was named by his parents Thefner. Ralton the Terrible (as he was called in those days), when he saw his small, innocent child, decided to renounce war forever for his child's sake, and he became a farmer. Sadly, Ralton was killed three weeks later by a band of invading wolverines who then used his farm to build a factory in which they manufactured weapons, which they used to destroy the rest of the late Ralton's species.

Pselma and Thefner ran and hid the deep forest unanimously called Polt, because everyone liked the sound of it. Occasional wolverine bands found their current housing, but they always managed to escape and build another one.

As young Thefner got older, he found that he was bigger and stronger than the other beasts and, by the time he grew out of infant-hood, had established himself as the leader of his household. He protected his mother from the invading wolverines until she died peacefully of natural causes. After his mother died, he could find no reason to stay at his hut, and went out to make his fortune.

Eventually, he established himself as Ethtar the Great, a mighty warlord like his father. He regained the land that had been taking from his father, and used the forges which the wolverines had built to make weapons of his own. He once spent three months forging one great and indestructible weapon; a black machete. This he used to his dying day. Ethtar the Great lived to the ripe old age of ten. He and his mate bore many children. When Ethtar saw the first of his small, innocent children, he decided to renounce war and become a farmer (this, needless to say, was an unthinkably stupid mistake). anyway, when his wife had an appendage cleaved from her by a band of invading wolverines, he realized how foolhardy he had been to renounce war. He picked up his black machete and went out to meet the wolverines in battle. Within three furious hours and with the help of his machete, he destroyed the entire army and established himself, once again, as Ethtar the Great (this is why there are no longer any wolverines in Africa). For ten more years, Ethtar the great roamed through the land, killing and plundering whatever he pleased. Then, one fateful day, he was bitten by a rabid hyena during the war of Risasheed, and died.

He had been attempting to take over the continent, and after securing the southern, western, and eastern sections, he focused on the great plains of death. The great plains of death were devoid of any grass, trees, or any vegetation other than the occasion prickly plant. Great mounds of yellowish fine dirt were constantly being blown about by the winds, and there was little rain or water. Regardless of this, he knew that some animals still lived there, free of his reign, and so he was advancing on it with his horde when a wild hyena staggered out of the plain. Intending to impress his troops, Ethtar the Great challenged it to single combat. If the hyena won, it would live and rule the land; if Ethtar won, the hyena would be dead. The hyena agreed and lunged at Ethtar before the start was signaled and bit him in the leg. Ethtar, in fury and hatred, swung the black machete and dispatched the cowardly beast in a single blow. The price, however, was insurmountable. The medicine man tried all his herbs, but Ethtar died three days later.

This is probably a good thing, for had Ethtar the Great taken over the continent, he would have indubitably attacked the rest of the world and life would have become unbearable for the peasant folk, and everyone would have lived in fear of his wrath.

The great empire was divided up by Ethtar's thirty children. They were not nearly as formidable or as a good a leader as their father, but they did have all of his greed. Because of infighting, the empire slowly crumpled away and the descendants of Ethtar were scattered far and wide. They were forced to live in hiding because the long-kindled wrath of the commoners whom they had oppressed had at last been given the opportunity to express itself, so they hid out in the great forests, remarkably similarly to the hiding Ethtar himself, when he was a child. The black machete was lost in the petty fights and disappeared form the annals of history. There is a longstanding tale, though, that says eventually another leader shall arise from their midst and draw all races to him. He shall conquer the world, and be greater than Ethtar himself. And he shall lead the descendants of Ralton the Terrible and Ethtar the Great to a greater and long-lasting freedom for he shall be the liberator of the long despised raccoons.

Now that I've given you some background information, I'll tell you the story.

There once lived a young, reckless racoon named Thondro. one day he decided to cause some trouble by spreading the trash from someone's exterior waste disposal unit (trash can) about that person's yard. So he found someone with a lot of trash in their cans out back. He was about to spread the trash about that person's yard when suddenly the person came out and shot him. Thondro unfortunately never learned a lesson from this experience for the simple fact that he was dead. Then he was skinned, chopped up, and put into a stew. The entire family who had eaten the stew died of some unknown disease that Thondro had while he was still alive. This was a greater tragedy for the world than it at first appears, for the family were actually Russian assassins who were planning on killing the current president of the United States of America, who was so corrupt, immoral, and bungling that it would have done the Americans and even the world a favor.

Moral: "One should beware of raccoons and hyenas with incurable diseases"


Note: this is another section of the saga about the black machete, blunt ax, and answering machine with a pointed angle. Please express your thoughts unless they would not be appropriate.