1 The Christmas Story - The Truth!
1.1 By Admiral Albia
Is all the singing Glory to God really spontaneous? It's highly unlikely, considering all angels were once human. And what about the wording? Yeah, right. And Mary was a teenager. So here you are. The Christmas story; the truth!
"OK, let's try that again. On three. One-two-thr-" In the middle of the throng of angels, someone put their hand up. "Yes, Maria?"
"I think the baby needs to go, sir." Maria gestured to the Crib, from whence a truly satanic pong was permeating the room.
The angel Gabriel held his breath and tried not to look too disgusted. "Well, you change him. I've got to go and-" he consulted his diary "-tell some girl called Mary that she's going to have a baby, called Immanuel, the Highest, Lord Almighty, the Prince of Peace."
"I thought it was going to be Jesus," someone said.
"I thought it was John."
"No, that's the one he sent out last month. Why are we suddenly overrun with babies?"
"They're murder to change, I know that much."
Gabriel rolled his eyes. Always the same. the Almighty said something like `tell so-and-so this and whatsisname that, and set this bush on fire, and go to some other guy in the desert, but it was Gabriel who got stuck with all the fine details. Oh well. It was a job, anyway. Now, let's see. eyes of fire, wings of snow. that was breaking all the laws of physics, but if that was what the Boss wanted, then he'd have to try.
/\/\/\
The angel Gabriel from Heaven came,
His wings as drifted snow, his eyes as flame.
`Oh shit,` said he, `my wings have melted,
You're gonna have a baby.`
Gloria.
Then gentle Mary meekly kung-fu'ed him,
`Not on your bloody life,` she said.
Gabriel tried hard not to scream,
Thinking of his most highly favoured lady;
Gloria.
`OK,` he said, `have it your way,
But please don't kick me there.
Mosthighlyfavouredlady,`
Oh Gloria..
Mary asked if she could have sex,
`No, sorry,` he said.
`What kind of rotten deal is this?`
Asked the most highly favoured lady,
Of Gloria.
`Don't ask me, I just tell the good news,`
The Highest angel whined,
And I have a date tonight,
With Gloria.`
`Fine,` said she, `I'll do the thing,
Gimme ten quid and tell Joseph,
That you're going out with his
Most highly favoured lady,
Gloria.`
/\/\/\
The angel Gabriel limped home, avoided Gloria; he wasn't sure he could face her after that embarassing defeat at the hands of Mary; and went to bed.
Two minutes later he was woken up by the Holy Spirit, who was complaining that there were too many virgins in Bethlehem, and which one was Mary, and was he actually supposed to. you know. with her, or just stick the damn' baby in her womb and get it out of the way for a while? And was it reversible if he got the wrong girl?
With an angel's patience, Gabriel gave directions to Mary's bedroom and was just settling down to sleep when an urgent message came through that he had to go and explain the situation to Joseph, who was a bit mad that Mary ws pregnant.
/\/\/\
"Look, it's not my fault," Gabriel said wearily. "I just do what I'm told, organise the spontaneous singing and all that. If you want to complain, I'd recommend praying. Always works for me."
"I've been praying, and look what's happened!"
"Well, I don't really see what the problem is. Between us guys, none of the women are very surprised at all, just saying that she should have taken the finger of a glove with her, don't ask me why, but there you go. I reckon they all do it."
Joseph's eyes widened. "Even Gloria?"
"Er. well. yeah," Gabriel said, wincing at the recollection. Gloria was a big woman, after all.
/\/\/\
Nine months later
/\/\/\
See him lying on a bed of straw,
A draughty stable with an open door,
Mary cradling the babe she bore
The Prince of Glory when he came.
Oh now carry me to Bethlehem,
To see the Lord appear to men,
Just as poor as was the stable then,
The Prince of Glory when he came.
/\/\/\
Mary screamed. The donkey took fright and went galloping around the stable, nearly treading on the half-out baby in the process. Joseph groaned; he was beginning to see what Gabriel had meant when the angel had said that the whole thing was a mess.
"All right, Mary, it's all right. oh, thank God, he's out!" Mary stopped screaming. The baby started screaming. The donkey ran straight out of the stable, nearly killing a little old lady in the streets outside.
The baby Jesus' doting parents hastily wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him face-down in the manger to muffle his cries.
/\/\/\
"OK, now has everyone got that? Right, let's go. One-two-three!"
The entire host of angels completely failed to spontaneously burst into song. A few uncertain murmurs of `Alleluia` were quickly drowned out by general confusion and dropping of hymn sheets.
Gabriel briefly considered going down to Hell for a holiday, then realised that he'd just get even more work when he came up again.
"EVERYONE LISTEN TO ME!" The mob gradually quietened down. "Thank you. Now, it's not hard. `Alleluia, alleluia, glory to God in the highest, alleluia`. Everyone got that? Right. On three. One-two-three-SING YOU IMBECILES!"
Eventually, with a lot of coaxing and yelling alternately, Gabriel got the choirs of angels to manage some semblance of spontaneous singing. On to the shepherds.
/\/\/\
While shepherds washed their socks by night,
All seated on the ground,
The angel of the Lord came down
And darkness shone around.
The shepherds screamed and ran away,
`Come back!` the angel cried.
A choir of his fellows showed up,
And sang Alleluia, Alleluia.
The shepherds ran to Bethlehem,
And found a baby there.
Thinking they were safe and sober,
They gave him a teddy bear.
/\/\/\
"Well, I suppose they got there, and that's the main thing," Gabriel sighed, looking down at the retreating figures of the shepherds. "Lessee now. next stop, a bunch of kingy guys to tell them not to trust Herod. oh, but that's not for a couple of days yet." Yawning, he beckoned to the still- warbling host of angels. "C'mon guys, let's go home."
/\/\/\
"Yeah, whaddaya want?"
"We have come to see the new-born King of the Jews."
"Oh, King `Born-Yesterday` Herod? Right through there."
/\/\/\
"Oh great King Herod, we have come to see the new-born King of the Jews."
"D'you think I was born yesterday?" Herod growled. From his vantage point among the many stone angels in the throne room, Gabriel shook his head, rolled his eyes and seriously considered throttling the magi. The star had been put over Bethlehem for a reason, and that reason was so that there wouldn't be any run-ins with Herod, so naturally the idiots had to decide that Jesus was in the palace at Jerusalem, didn't they?
"That is what your guard told us, your majesty." For a second, Gabriel thought Herod was going to explode, but then he smiled. It was not a genuine smile.
"Really? How amusing. Well, my sources tell ,me that the baby is currently in a stable in Bethlehem, so off you go. And tell me where he is when you come back, so I can go and worship him."
On high with the stone angels, Gabriel groaned.
/\/\/\
"Hey guys."
"I knew we had too much to drink last night," one of the magi said; Gabriel recognised him as the one who'd said `I'm sure he'll be in Jerusalem`. It made sense, after all.
"Well, maybe you did. I wouldn't know, though, I'm just here to tell you that God says you should NOT go back to Herod. Get that? You should NOT go back to Herod. He wants to kill the baby Jesus."
"Why?"
"Because he's a paranoid freak is why, he even killed his own son to stop him from getting the throne after Herod died."
"Oh." The magi thought about this. "All right then, we'll go back via Jerusalem."
"NO! DON'T go back via Jerusalem!"
"Why not?"
"Because-Herod-wants-to-kill-Jesus!"
"Jesus? He's only a week old!"
"That's scandal, that is!"
"Highly unjust." Gabriel thought he saw light at the end of the tunnel.
"Exactly. So you don't want it to happen, do you?"
"NO!" The magi cried in unison.
"Well, there you are then. If you don't go back to Herod, it won't happen."
"What won't?" Asked one, proving that the light at the end of the tunnel was, in actual fact, the headlamp of an oncoming train.
"Herod killing Jesus! Bloody hell, how thick are you?"
"I'll have you know, young man, that we are very wise men!"
"And we most certainly are not going back through Jerusalem if idiots like you are around there. We shall take a different route."
"Good." Gabriel vanished before they could start arguing again. Next stop - oh, no - Mary.
/\/\/\
"Mary, Joseph."
"Oh, God, not you again! What do you want now?"
"Quiet, Mary. The angel probably has a perfectly good reason for waking us up in the middle of the night."
"Actually, you're still asleep, but never mind. You must leave Bethlehem at once, because I don't trust those wise men guys to remember to avoid Jerusale,, and Herod wants to kill Jesus."
"Right. We're on our way." Mary paused. "Where did you say we had to go?"
"Anywhere but Jerusalem!"
"Gotcha. C'mon, Joseph. Have you seen the donkey?"
"I'll find the donkey," Gabriel said with a groan, as the family started their escape from Bethlehem.
/\/\/\
A/n; If you liked it, review it pleeeeeease! If you didn't flame me, I don't care. And have a merry, if chaotic, Christmas!
1.1 By Admiral Albia
Is all the singing Glory to God really spontaneous? It's highly unlikely, considering all angels were once human. And what about the wording? Yeah, right. And Mary was a teenager. So here you are. The Christmas story; the truth!
"OK, let's try that again. On three. One-two-thr-" In the middle of the throng of angels, someone put their hand up. "Yes, Maria?"
"I think the baby needs to go, sir." Maria gestured to the Crib, from whence a truly satanic pong was permeating the room.
The angel Gabriel held his breath and tried not to look too disgusted. "Well, you change him. I've got to go and-" he consulted his diary "-tell some girl called Mary that she's going to have a baby, called Immanuel, the Highest, Lord Almighty, the Prince of Peace."
"I thought it was going to be Jesus," someone said.
"I thought it was John."
"No, that's the one he sent out last month. Why are we suddenly overrun with babies?"
"They're murder to change, I know that much."
Gabriel rolled his eyes. Always the same. the Almighty said something like `tell so-and-so this and whatsisname that, and set this bush on fire, and go to some other guy in the desert, but it was Gabriel who got stuck with all the fine details. Oh well. It was a job, anyway. Now, let's see. eyes of fire, wings of snow. that was breaking all the laws of physics, but if that was what the Boss wanted, then he'd have to try.
/\/\/\
The angel Gabriel from Heaven came,
His wings as drifted snow, his eyes as flame.
`Oh shit,` said he, `my wings have melted,
You're gonna have a baby.`
Gloria.
Then gentle Mary meekly kung-fu'ed him,
`Not on your bloody life,` she said.
Gabriel tried hard not to scream,
Thinking of his most highly favoured lady;
Gloria.
`OK,` he said, `have it your way,
But please don't kick me there.
Mosthighlyfavouredlady,`
Oh Gloria..
Mary asked if she could have sex,
`No, sorry,` he said.
`What kind of rotten deal is this?`
Asked the most highly favoured lady,
Of Gloria.
`Don't ask me, I just tell the good news,`
The Highest angel whined,
And I have a date tonight,
With Gloria.`
`Fine,` said she, `I'll do the thing,
Gimme ten quid and tell Joseph,
That you're going out with his
Most highly favoured lady,
Gloria.`
/\/\/\
The angel Gabriel limped home, avoided Gloria; he wasn't sure he could face her after that embarassing defeat at the hands of Mary; and went to bed.
Two minutes later he was woken up by the Holy Spirit, who was complaining that there were too many virgins in Bethlehem, and which one was Mary, and was he actually supposed to. you know. with her, or just stick the damn' baby in her womb and get it out of the way for a while? And was it reversible if he got the wrong girl?
With an angel's patience, Gabriel gave directions to Mary's bedroom and was just settling down to sleep when an urgent message came through that he had to go and explain the situation to Joseph, who was a bit mad that Mary ws pregnant.
/\/\/\
"Look, it's not my fault," Gabriel said wearily. "I just do what I'm told, organise the spontaneous singing and all that. If you want to complain, I'd recommend praying. Always works for me."
"I've been praying, and look what's happened!"
"Well, I don't really see what the problem is. Between us guys, none of the women are very surprised at all, just saying that she should have taken the finger of a glove with her, don't ask me why, but there you go. I reckon they all do it."
Joseph's eyes widened. "Even Gloria?"
"Er. well. yeah," Gabriel said, wincing at the recollection. Gloria was a big woman, after all.
/\/\/\
Nine months later
/\/\/\
See him lying on a bed of straw,
A draughty stable with an open door,
Mary cradling the babe she bore
The Prince of Glory when he came.
Oh now carry me to Bethlehem,
To see the Lord appear to men,
Just as poor as was the stable then,
The Prince of Glory when he came.
/\/\/\
Mary screamed. The donkey took fright and went galloping around the stable, nearly treading on the half-out baby in the process. Joseph groaned; he was beginning to see what Gabriel had meant when the angel had said that the whole thing was a mess.
"All right, Mary, it's all right. oh, thank God, he's out!" Mary stopped screaming. The baby started screaming. The donkey ran straight out of the stable, nearly killing a little old lady in the streets outside.
The baby Jesus' doting parents hastily wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him face-down in the manger to muffle his cries.
/\/\/\
"OK, now has everyone got that? Right, let's go. One-two-three!"
The entire host of angels completely failed to spontaneously burst into song. A few uncertain murmurs of `Alleluia` were quickly drowned out by general confusion and dropping of hymn sheets.
Gabriel briefly considered going down to Hell for a holiday, then realised that he'd just get even more work when he came up again.
"EVERYONE LISTEN TO ME!" The mob gradually quietened down. "Thank you. Now, it's not hard. `Alleluia, alleluia, glory to God in the highest, alleluia`. Everyone got that? Right. On three. One-two-three-SING YOU IMBECILES!"
Eventually, with a lot of coaxing and yelling alternately, Gabriel got the choirs of angels to manage some semblance of spontaneous singing. On to the shepherds.
/\/\/\
While shepherds washed their socks by night,
All seated on the ground,
The angel of the Lord came down
And darkness shone around.
The shepherds screamed and ran away,
`Come back!` the angel cried.
A choir of his fellows showed up,
And sang Alleluia, Alleluia.
The shepherds ran to Bethlehem,
And found a baby there.
Thinking they were safe and sober,
They gave him a teddy bear.
/\/\/\
"Well, I suppose they got there, and that's the main thing," Gabriel sighed, looking down at the retreating figures of the shepherds. "Lessee now. next stop, a bunch of kingy guys to tell them not to trust Herod. oh, but that's not for a couple of days yet." Yawning, he beckoned to the still- warbling host of angels. "C'mon guys, let's go home."
/\/\/\
"Yeah, whaddaya want?"
"We have come to see the new-born King of the Jews."
"Oh, King `Born-Yesterday` Herod? Right through there."
/\/\/\
"Oh great King Herod, we have come to see the new-born King of the Jews."
"D'you think I was born yesterday?" Herod growled. From his vantage point among the many stone angels in the throne room, Gabriel shook his head, rolled his eyes and seriously considered throttling the magi. The star had been put over Bethlehem for a reason, and that reason was so that there wouldn't be any run-ins with Herod, so naturally the idiots had to decide that Jesus was in the palace at Jerusalem, didn't they?
"That is what your guard told us, your majesty." For a second, Gabriel thought Herod was going to explode, but then he smiled. It was not a genuine smile.
"Really? How amusing. Well, my sources tell ,me that the baby is currently in a stable in Bethlehem, so off you go. And tell me where he is when you come back, so I can go and worship him."
On high with the stone angels, Gabriel groaned.
/\/\/\
"Hey guys."
"I knew we had too much to drink last night," one of the magi said; Gabriel recognised him as the one who'd said `I'm sure he'll be in Jerusalem`. It made sense, after all.
"Well, maybe you did. I wouldn't know, though, I'm just here to tell you that God says you should NOT go back to Herod. Get that? You should NOT go back to Herod. He wants to kill the baby Jesus."
"Why?"
"Because he's a paranoid freak is why, he even killed his own son to stop him from getting the throne after Herod died."
"Oh." The magi thought about this. "All right then, we'll go back via Jerusalem."
"NO! DON'T go back via Jerusalem!"
"Why not?"
"Because-Herod-wants-to-kill-Jesus!"
"Jesus? He's only a week old!"
"That's scandal, that is!"
"Highly unjust." Gabriel thought he saw light at the end of the tunnel.
"Exactly. So you don't want it to happen, do you?"
"NO!" The magi cried in unison.
"Well, there you are then. If you don't go back to Herod, it won't happen."
"What won't?" Asked one, proving that the light at the end of the tunnel was, in actual fact, the headlamp of an oncoming train.
"Herod killing Jesus! Bloody hell, how thick are you?"
"I'll have you know, young man, that we are very wise men!"
"And we most certainly are not going back through Jerusalem if idiots like you are around there. We shall take a different route."
"Good." Gabriel vanished before they could start arguing again. Next stop - oh, no - Mary.
/\/\/\
"Mary, Joseph."
"Oh, God, not you again! What do you want now?"
"Quiet, Mary. The angel probably has a perfectly good reason for waking us up in the middle of the night."
"Actually, you're still asleep, but never mind. You must leave Bethlehem at once, because I don't trust those wise men guys to remember to avoid Jerusale,, and Herod wants to kill Jesus."
"Right. We're on our way." Mary paused. "Where did you say we had to go?"
"Anywhere but Jerusalem!"
"Gotcha. C'mon, Joseph. Have you seen the donkey?"
"I'll find the donkey," Gabriel said with a groan, as the family started their escape from Bethlehem.
/\/\/\
A/n; If you liked it, review it pleeeeeease! If you didn't flame me, I don't care. And have a merry, if chaotic, Christmas!