Dear Santa (If that is even your real name...):

It has come to my attention that you don't take these lists/notes very seriously.

You tend to disregard them as if they were nothing more than random scribblings from children. Well, I'm here to tell you that they are *NOT*. You hurt these kids (myself included!) when you ignore their wishes and supplications.

For example:

Last year, at around this time, my cousin Hannah and I wrote a similar note to the one that you hold in your hands right now. In it, I requested that you renew the TV show "Bull" for another season. Not ONLY was this not done, but the show itself was also promptly (within 19 days of my request!) cancelled, even though it had previously only run for half a season. Now tell me, is this fair? I think not.

This was a deep hurt for me, but I survived, because I found the X-Files.

My cousin, however, was not so lucky.

She did not have a "backup" show to that I think about it, she had nothing to back her up at all. You see, Santa, my cousin requested a puppy.

That's right.

A living, breathing, *puppy*. Not a show, not something that you might not even have had any control over (yes, I am now willing to admit that...), but a tangible gift. How hard is it to find a puppy? It is a sad but true fact that there are dogs wandering the streets of every major city in this country, just waiting to be caught and put to sleep. There are hundreds of these, maybe even thousands...and yet, you were unable to find one *single* puppy to give to my cousin? Somehow, sir, I find that hard to believe. You're shifty, old man. I've got my eye on you.

To sum it up, sir, I think that you are just a heavy old guy with an inferiority complex.

You spend your life breaking and entering little children's homes, winning their trust and love, and then stealing their food and trees and toys. (Yes, sir, I've *seen* "How the Grinch Stole Christmas".) You beguile these same children with false statements such as "What do you want for Christmas?" and "If you ask Santa, he'll bring it." These claims are misleading, to say the least. You, sir, are a steady user of false advertising, and that is something that I cannot condone. If you continue to persist in this tirade of manipulation, I'm afraid that I will have no choice but to contact the FBI, or some other law-enforcement agency that has the power to give you the punishment that you deserve.

I suggest, sir, that you shape up. Get your act together, bring us *credible* presents (enough with this underwear and socks deal that you have going on! What'd you do, get them all for a bulk discount price at the local K-Mart? Children don't WANT clothing as presents; get that through your thick head!), and stop stealing our food. Then, and only then, will you have a chance to win back the American children's trust.

Thank you for your time (Although God knows you've got enough of work, what, two days out of the year? And don't even *try* to tell me that you spend the rest of the time *making* the toys. Your secret's out, old man. Half of the toys have the words MADE IN CHINA stamped on the bottoms of them; the other half are made by your elves. Elves. That's another problem. Don't even let me get *started* on slave labor...)

Most Insincerely yours,

Dana Scully (However, since *I*- unlike certain fat crooked old elves that I could name- do not make a habit out of breaking the law and misleading people, I suppose I have to give my real name along with my alter ego. And YES, that is my alter ego, Scully is me, don't even try to argue with me...!!)

Most Insincerely yours,