We would listen to it all day, while we were drawing pictures and playing with playdo. Once I made a picture of Puff Daddy. She flipped, and said, "PUFF DADDY???? BEASTIE BOYS ARE THE ONLY REAL RECORDING ARTISTS!!!! YOU ERASE THAT OR I'LL MMMMDROP YOU OUT THE WINDOW!" I did so, because she happened to be carrying a knife along with her.
If you think they were weird, they were nothing like Oinkysnorkle T. Bell. He only wore a neon green shirt that sponsored Taco Bell, he had small, beady eyes, and a round nose that barely stuck out an inch. On the first day of school in the 6th grade, he decided that there would be nothing in the world that could be funnier than introducing us to the new year than speaking in jibberish. As soon as we were all present, he spoke: "Woof woof walla! Arf arf, bow wow wow yippee yo yippee yay! Snargle ja ga mushtlu kwankton duga laga dei!" He barked at us in an angry voice. He did that for the rest of the day, and although the first semester is over with, we are still a bit lost. Everyday while we have English class with him he would be eating Taco Bell. If we made a mistake he would throw one of the numerous gorditas at us. Every time we did something that he considered good, which was never, he would bark. Then he would jump out of his seat, and start singning. "Gorditas! Gorditas! Taco Bell souls are we..." he would sing. One day I decided to go on a mission to find out how, exactly, he became a teacher, because I was lost on that one. At lunch that day, I talked to my best friend, Schnickle Franktoid, about how we would find out. Just in case you were wondering about the screwed up nature of the names, they were changed because of legal problems. My uncle, Bobbin McGuillicutty should have been in Bill Gates' place. I don't have to change his name because Bill Gates sued him to be even more bankrupt than MC Hammer, so he can't sue anybody now. Bill Gates sued him because my uncle really came up with the whole Microsoft thang, but the old name was Shebanga Pow! And this was the name of Bill Gates' pet chipmunk. So Bill Gates hired Johnny Cochrane, and the rest of my uncle's financial estate is history. Oh no! I forgot to change Bill Gates' name! (You all know I ment to say Billy Bob Joe of Puerto Rico, right?) Good. Anyway, ever since that happened to my uncle, I'm not taking any risks. So now I change all of the names that occur in my writing to something that nobody would be named. To get on with the story of Oinkysnorkle, I talked to Schnickle about it.
"So, Schnickle, Oinkysnorkle has got to be the weirdest person you ever met, right?"
"Word up!" Schnickle talks like that. He always says "word up" or "no doubt" or "west siiiiiiide" in his stoned voice.
"Well, do you ever wonder how he got to be a teacher?"
"Well, do you know?"
"Wrist full of G's," Schnickle replied. He ment to say that Oinkysnorkle bribed his way into the job. I would have suspected that myself, but he lived in a one room apartment building, so I didn't think so.
"Nah, he isn't wealthy."
"Uh, yeah, word," I informed him.
"Thas wack, yo. I saw him givin mad G's to The Chihuahua donation fund just tha otha day," Schnickle told me. I didn't know whether he ment chihuahua as in the dog, or Chihuahua as in the green clothed wrestler that just took the WWF championship belt. The two of us decided then and there to find out.
We went to the principal, Mr. Kran Kit Up. I had to change his name because his pet chihuahua is the one in the Taco Bell commercials, so he got big revenues from that. He could sue me so badly that I should even change "principal" to "janitor". Or perhaps I could call him lapicnirp, which is "principal" backwords. That would be the furthest possible away from principal, I mean lapicnirp. We wanted to go to his house, but it's all the way in Beverly Hills, and the school is in New York. He operates everything over the internet, and E-mail. Nobody has ever seen him live, but there's a picture of his chihuahua in his office, which people use to email him from. His chihuahua is kind of scary. It seems to be staring you at all times with its small, beady eyes. And although all dogs noses don't stick out as much as humans, his stuck out even less. I didn't use the office. Schnickle and I emailed him from my home. His screen name is TACOBELL25. I have two screen names. One is SPAZ IN and the other is SPAZ OUT. I wanted to make a good impression on the lapicnirp, so I made a new screenname, CHIHUAHUA13. I sent the email saying, "Dear Mr. Kran Kit Up,
I am in Mr. Oinkysnorkle T. Bell's homeroom, and I was wondering how, exactly, he became a teacher. Email me back."
"Word up!" Schnickle said in the same, monotonical, stoned voice. He was practicing one of his new phrases. Then I turned on the CD player, and put in Puff Daddy's No Way Out, signed on as SPAZ IN, and started looking for anti-Celine Dion websites. While I was doing that, Schnickle was reading his favorite book, Phrases to Use That Will Make People Think That You Are Cool Even If You Are Not #35. It is a whole series written by the bestselling author Ima Fool. I had to change that name too, rest assured. No parent could be that cruel. Of course, it would be a very representational name of that author's personality.
I went to school the next day and I was going to tell all of my friends about an awesome website I found while surfing the net. Its address is http://www.angelfire.com/mo/psychoes. Check it out. Before any words could get out of my mouth, however, Oinkysnorkle said to the class, "Whoever's screen name is CHIHUAHUA13 please report to the disciplinarian's office right now!" No one went, so he said, "Okay then. All of you get double homework in English today. And all because of CHIHUAHUA13!" Oinkysnorkle said. For some reason, he sounded a lot like a PE teacher at the time. All of the kids groaned, and one of them, Bazar Achmed Hussein screamed, "I am going to kill you, Mr. Chihuahua! I am going to get my father to drop many nuclear bombs on you!!!" I didn't change that name because he was killed in the strike against Iraq. Oinkysnorkle threw Gorditas at us numerously that day. He had even more "false alarms", as he put it, than usual. Everybody went home, and he hadn't found the culprit. Yet. The next day was the same, but Mr. Cous Cous Vangadanga, our history teacher, had cut his own thumb off with an electric knife by accident, so Oinkysnorkle took over. We had a quiz on the latest Taco Bell commercial, and that was to be the first of many. I had never seen any of them because ever since I got online I have abandoned television and all other forms of entertainment, so I failed. He announced I thought that Oinkysnorkle would forget about the whole thing, I mean, I didn't even know how he had found out in the first place! But he didn't forget. He announced the next day that he was going to inspect all of the houses that day for the screen name CHIHUAHUA13. I had not yet deleted it because I was awaiting the reply of Mr. Kran Kit Up, so when he came to inspect my house. He said that he would do it in alphabetical order, which would have normally given me some time, except for the fact that I had a doctor's appointment that day. I would not be home in time to delete it. I knew that somehow Oinkysnorkle had seen the email I sent the lapicnirp, and that he would make class even worse than it was for me once he found out. He would probably bite me. And since Mr. Cous Cous Vangadanga wasn't coming back anymore because he had cut off his other thumb and was discovered to be suffering from the worst case of manic depressiveness that psychologists had ever seen, I was going to be spending double time with Oinkysnorkle. I decided I had to think of a plan to get out of the doctor's appointment. I wouldn't fake sick like I often do and have become very good at. I won't do that easy way out for it's obvious reasons. Since I couldn't do that, I decided I had to get Schnickle to make it so that the doctor would have to reschedule. Perfect. I told Schnickle to think of a plan, and he gave me one during study hall.
"Yo, my funky fresh homey, this down and dirty dog that we be talkin bout ain't so bouty bouty like word tells ya. He's in the biz fo' G's. So all we gots to do is spread word that he can get some mad G's. And the time he gotta gets it is collidin' with yo appointment. Boo yeah, right?" He said. Apparently #35 in his favorite series had given him more than he bargained for.
"Uh, yeah, you do that. I didn't understand a word you said, so I'll just let you do it, okay?"
"Aite. I'll lay my thang down withoutcha. Now, give me a moment. I just gots ta talk to Mookie," Schnickle said. I couldn't believe it. Mookie was the class nerd. I didn't know what Schnickle was doing talking to him. I decided to eavesdrop a little bit.
"So, Mookie, you been layin yo thang down?" He asked.
"Word up, my brother, I've been laying my thing down like DY-NO-MITE!" Mookie told him.
"Yo, don't say that!"
"Okay, my funky freshest, down and dirtiest dog. Or is it homey? AAAH! This is confusing me!!!" Mookie yelled in despair. Then he handed Schnickle some money. I now understood it all. But I decided that I would have a talk with Mookie too, but about something different. I walked up to him.
"Hey, Mookie, um, can you help me with something?"
"Sure, dog, but you have got to do something for me to."
"Well, as the dude in Offspring said, 'He needs some cool tunes, not just any will suffice, but they didn't have Ice Cube so he BROUGHT VANILLA ICE!!!" Well, he says "Vanilla Ice" as if it's a bad thing! I thought that he was the dopest thing, I mean thang around! I need you to get me some cool tunes. Here's some money, go buy me a record and I'll help you."
"Um, Mookie, they don't sell records anymore," I told him.
"Oh, they don't? Well, buy me a disc that's compact. I have a state of the art record player, you know?"
"You don't play CDs on record players!!!"
"Oh. Well, I'll help you anyway, because it's the down thing to do."
"All right. Just find out for me how Oinkysnorkle became a teacher."
"All right. Wow. This is going to be hard!" Mookie said. His last name is Magoo. I always thought that the name Mookie Magoo represented him so closely that I often shuddered. I went home early that day, and deleted the screen name. I wouldn't be hearing back from the lapicnirp. I decided to watch television because I needed to see all of the Taco Bell commercials so that I wouldn't fail the history quizzes of tomorrow and the day after, not to mention the big test that counts for half of the semester's grade. The new teacher that was to come after that test's name is Tic Tac Toco. On the television was wrestling. Stone Cold Steve Austin was beating up on Sean Michaels. I knew who these people were because Xavier McMellinham, a kid in my class, wanted to be a professional wrestler when adulthood came. According to his grades in math, English, history, and any other subjects of any importance, that was the only thing he would be able to do. He hadn't gotten deported yet because his mom won the lottery four years ago. I went online because I remembered that http://www.angelfire.com/mo/psychoes had a link to a site that had something to do with a chihuahua. I'm guessing that any connection to a chihuahua these days will have something to do with Taco Bell. So I decided to visit it. While I was signing on Stone Cold proceeded to win the bout. After a few commercials from their sponsors they'd be right back with another fight. It was to be The Chihuahua against Big Pun, the former rapper gone wrestler. I went to the website, and found the link to the chihuahua site. At the same time, a Taco Bell commercial came on. I watched intently and took notes on a pad of paper. When it was done, I downloaded all of the Taco Bell commercials. I hoped that Oinkysnorkle would walk in while I was doing so, because it would probably make my grade go up a point.
Some say wishes don't come true, but this time they did. He walked in while I was downloading the second commercial there was. The Chihuahua was on too. Oinkysnorkle took one look and started barking. Then he told me that he was very pleased and told me to sign off and show me the screenname menu. Then he turned his head and started shouting.
I was scared for a second, but then saw what the commotion was about. Apparently he was a very big fan of Big Pun. I thought that he would go for The Chihuahua instead, because they wore the same colors and had the same general interests. He got a little over dramatic. Apparently he wanted Big Pun to sit on The Chihuahua until he choked, and then behead him. I decided that showing him the menu and my screen names could wait. I decided to get something to eat. While I was on my way up I heard a big crash. I rushed up to see what the commotion was all about. Oinkysnorkle had thrown the television out the window and onto a dogcatcher. He had just killed two birds with one stone, because not only had Big Pun lost, (thus he got rid of some anger) but I could also clearly see that he didn't like the dogcatcher either. He said that he was pleased with my menu, checked me off on my list, and went outside to taunt the injured dogcatcher. I started studying Taco Bell and then found that http://www.angelfire.com/mo/psychoes had been updated with a story about terrorists posing as taxi drivers in New York City and that the Poll Page had gotten a new question asking what you would rate their website. I emailed PSYCHOBOB4, the maker of that website saying that I gave it a 10.
At school the next day I asked Mookie Magoo what he had found. He said that he had might be onto something big and that he would email me when he "busted the bucket". Mookie has a lot of nonsensical saying like that. The coincidence of that saying was that no less than 20 minutes later we found out that somebody had dropped a bucket on the up and coming history teacher, Tic Tac Toco. He was in the hospital as of now. Everybody was shocked. We now had to spend even more time with Oinkysnorkle for even longer. Mookie gapsed.
At free time an hour after the horrible news, I was telling Schnickle about Oinkysnorkle's visit to my house and how he hated The Chihuahua and that old dogcatcher so much. Mookie gasped again. He went to go email the lapicnirp. Then Oinkysnorkle walked in; late. He was mumbling, but I have very sharp ears, so I could hear him. "Stupid! My payments! He'd better crank that up!!! I get him all the money he's ever made and now he leaves me with two orders of Taco Bell and goes to pursue a wrestling career! I hate his guts!"
In English class Oinkysnorkle threw Gorditas at everybody while they were completing their quiz. He even threw one at Mookie, who was always teased about being his pet. Today when teased like so, Mookie murmured to himself, "Oh, so I'm the pet?" It didn't seem like he was directing it at the accuser, but who else would he have been talking to??? When I went home I found his email.
I have found out how Oinkysnorkle has become teacher. I will list a few facts to help my case before listing the conclusion.
1. I found out that Gorditas were originally invented for a high tech science project that would turn dogs into humans, but it was given the boot by the government
2. The principal owns the Taco Bell chihuahua
3. Oinkysnorkle eats a lot of Gorditas
4. When he came into class mumbling, he was angry at his "owner" who had gone to be a wrestler
5. He hated that owner
6. You say that he hated The Chihuahua
7. The lapicnirp likes chihuahuas
8. Oinkysnorkle dropped a tv on a dogcatcher
9. He dropped the tv when The Chihuahua won
10. He "somehow" knew about the email you sent the lapicnirp (I know you did it)
11. Like the chihuahua picture in the lapicnirp's office, Oinkysnorkle has...
12. Small, beady eyes
13. And a short, flat nose.
I end this with 13 facts because 13 is a lucky number. You can probably find more, but that's all I chose to put. As you can see, I am saying that Oinkysnorkle is a chihuahua. He is also the lapicnirp's pet chihuahua. All of the Gorditas he ate when he was on the Taco Bell commercials turned him into a human, but a very weird one. Since he was the lapicnirp's pet, he became a teacher. All he had to do was ask. I also think he was the one that dropped the bucket on Tic Tac Toco. He wanted the history class permanently. Tic Tac Toco should watch out. Judging by the way Oinkysnorkle has acted as of late, so should the lapicnirp." Wow. I was amazed. It was hard to believe, but it all went together so well that it was hard to doubt. I emailed him back telling him to tell authority figures. Then I turned on the TV because I thought that I had only gotten a C or so on the Taco Bell quiz, and wanted to improve. The news was on. The channel I was on was a relatively new station. Its news anchor was named Cha Ching. He said, "If you have heard about and are a fan of the wrestler known as The Chihuahua, bad news. He had been suspected of dropping a bucket on a teacher named Tic Tac Toco, and it was proven that he didn't, but while they were searching a freak accident took place. His chihuahua that was found to be the one in the Taco Bell commercials ran in front of him, tripped him, and forced him to fall out the window. He lives no longer and therefore his up and coming match with Stone Cold Steve Austin must be forfeited. While searching, it was found that was also the lapicnirp of a school with an unannounced name. The chihuahua has been given to a new owner that will not feed him any Gorditas as The Chihuahua did. Next up on NEWS, (New, Exciting Wacky Stuff) we have 15 minutes in tribute to a dogcatcher that was crushed by a 16 inch TV yesterday. His name was..." I switched the TV off. Apparently Mookie was right, but since the new owner would keep Oinkysnorkle Gordita free, nothing really mattered anymore. There would be a replacement English teacher who would also teach history until Tic Tac Toco came back from his injury. I looked forward to school next day not only because Oinkysnorkle wouldn't be able to throw Gorditas at us, but... because Oinkysnorkle wouldn't throw Gorditas at us. I went to sleep still amazed at how perfectly everything had gone together.
In school the next day everybody but me was surprised, and overjoiced. Then we heard even better news. We weren't getting a replacement right away. We were getting Mr. Floppo, the substitute teacher. He was a brilliant substitute. Instead of trying to make the students learn anything and have them play tricks on him, he just gives us undisciplined free time. That way we don't play practical jokes on him like we would all other teachers. He would substitute for us until Mr. Tic Tac Toco came back from his injury. Although the management didn't know it, we would need a replacement English teacher too.
When Tic Tac Toco came back, the school announced that it had also gotten a replacement English teacher since Oinkysnorkle coulnd't be found. First Tic Taco Toco told us what he planned to do with us during the year. "My name is Toco. Tic Tac Toco. I like orange Tic-tacs, I like cinnamon Tic-tacs, I like wintergreen Tic-tacs, and I like spearmint Tic-tacs. This year we will be learning about the history of the Tic-tac, and we will be sampling my suggestions for new flavors. These include wintermint, speargreen, cherry, herbal tea, jalapeno, chocolate, vanilla, blue raspberry, lemon lime, lemon, lime, and more to come. I will also teach you how to make your own Tic-tacs. This will be a very productive year for you all." I hoped he was joking. Then they introduced the new English teacher.
"Hi, I am Comp Emanuel. This year we will have only one project. That way I can sit back in my chair, listen to my discman, and relax instead of having to tell you turds what to do. You will right a manual for a computer game. If it isn't done by the end of the year I will kill you- I mean give you a bad grade. Then, as a parting present, you must buy me a copy of the computer game you wrote about, and I will present you your grade over the vacation. Thank you." I wasn't so psyched about getting rid of Oinkysnorkle anymore.