I Wish

I stand there staring at you, marvelling at you, feeling gifted just to be in your presence.  You're surrounded by your closest friends, and as you laugh and joke I realise just how good a time you're having without me, but it all just makes me want you more.  Granted, you and I are close, but when it comes to your other friends they've had weeks to my days of knowing you, when they appear I feel somehow detached and awkward when I am there so I move away.  I talk to you and only you as your friends don't seem to want to know me, but as soon as you go to reply you are pulled away and I feel like I am alone again, so I sit there, alone, and wait for my companions.

'I wish, just wish that I could get close to you.' I think

As it nears five past the hour I wonder where my friends have got to and then just assume that they went straight to their next lesson, and as your friends realise what the time is they too leave until it is only me, you and the few people about us.  You walk over to me.

'I'm sorry.' You say 'About my friends.'

I smile and say not to worry, I would sit alone for days if I knew it would let me spend five minutes with you.  As everyone around us starts to leave or continue with their work we stand there in a discomfited silence, I think this is strange seeing as we always have something to talk about.

'You have no lessons now?' I ask

You shake your head.

'Not for the rest of the day.' You tell me

I think for a moment and then come up with something to do.

'Fancy going up town?'

That's it, I've said to sentences and they're both questions, as strange as it may seem I feel like a desperate fool.  It's only when I see the slight nod of your head that I feel normal again.


You say that so easily where as I struggle for a conversation topic, you're so oblivious to my feelings that once again I feel stupid.  As I sling my bag on my shoulder I see you put on your coat, your arm held high as your slender fingers slide through soft material, your chest stuck forward as you struggle to find the sleeve, and bizarrely it makes me blush.  We walk over to the bus stop and just catch it, then make our way to the back seats, thankfully it's not the typical time to end the school day so there are no annoying people here.  You fiddle with your phone and text your mates, telling them where you are so they won't wait for you.

'Habit.' You say

It's not as if you have to explain yourself to me, I understand and it wasn't that big a deal anyway.  While we pass the time by telling jokes and making each feel funnily embarrassed the bus finally stops in town and we get off.  This is the point where I realise that I didn't come into town for any reason other than to be with you, then you ask me that typical question.

'Where to?'

This is where I fumble for a reason, I tell you there's a CD and I want to know if you've heard of the band.  You look at me, slightly puzzled but too nice to tell me that I'm a strange freak, I wouldn't care if you did anyway as we always joke about stuff like that.  We walk into the shop and I show you a CD, the first one that I see, of course the first ones are always what's in the charts and there's no way that you wouldn't have heard of them.

'Way to go, you've just shown them what a total prat you are.' Is the thought that runs over and over in my head

You look at the cover, a confused expression shows itself in your smile.

'Well of course I know them, they're everywhere.'

As I hear that, another thought goes though my mind.

'Oh great.  They think you're an idiot.'

The rest of the day is a mix of jokes, laughs and hot chocolate.  I can't help it, I was dying for a hot drink, and of course I ask you if you want one.  You being you ask me if I'm sure, of course I'm sure, I don't mind paying either so I tell you to put your money away.  You grab a table whilst I grab the drinks and we sit down for a long time.  It's only natural, nice place, nice music, nice friend, it's great.  This is where I find that you're just a friend, well for now anyway, and I don't want to rush my move.  I'm dying to ask you in person, but I can't string three words together without messing them up.  You place down your mug and look at your watch, the next thing I know you're putting your coat back on.

'I'm sorry, I gotta get home.' You apologise

I don't want an apology from you, I knew you had to get home today early anyway.  I help you get your stuff together and then hand them to you.  You take them from me, and then unexpectedly you give me a hug and whisper in my ear.

'I had a nice time, thanks.  Let's meet up again.'

Those were the words you said and those are the same ones that buzz through my head as I travel home.  When I get inside I go straight to my room and take my phone from my pocket and start a text.

'Am I sure, do I really wanna do this?'

I said I wanted to ask you in person, but I can never find the courage to, I'm nervous like that and it makes me feel pathetic.  Then I think about the 'what ifs'.

'What if they say yes?'

'What if they say no?'

'What if they laugh?'

But then there's one that would just change everything.

'What if this changes things between us?'

I mean in a bad way, if they said no and couldn't look at me again, then what would I do?  I don't think I could bare that happening, if we weren't to be friends anymore I'd be so gutted.  I don't know what to do.  Your words come back to me.

'Let's meet up again.'

You probably meant that in an innocent way, not knowing what was going through my head but still, you said it.  You may not have meant it in the way I thought, but there's only one way to find out.  I start to type my message.

U ok?

Oh please, why did I have to start off like that?  The phone beeps as I get your reply.

Yeah, u? Soz i had

2 leave like that i

sed id B home by

4 today

At least I got to spend some time with you today though.  I input my answer.

Had a good time?

Then you say:

Of course i

always do wen

im w/ u

This is all I can tell you:


I wait for a moment.  Your reply seems to be taking a long time, maybe your thinking about ways to answer without leading me on, I sure hope not.

…  Yeah…

That's it, I have to ask them, it's killing me how I have to hide my feelings for you.  I start to write my text and just hope that you give me the answer I so desire.

I got sumin i

wanna ask its

embarasin but

here goes.

I finally start the killer question.

…  Would u

like to go out

w/ me?

This time your answer seems to take even longer.  This scares me, I'm so petrified over something so simple.  That's it though!  It's not simple at all!  You can't prepare yourself for this sort of feeling, when it hits you you're in total shock, you feel warm when they're around and so cold when they're not, I feel like I need you.  God, please let they're answer be yes, I may be just a kid but this feeling is so strong it must be right.  Please God, I can't believe I'm praying for something like this, something so important to me but yet so trivial when compared to other things.  The phone finally beats and I pick it up with a racing heart, I don't think I've ever been this nervous in my life.  My eyes widen as I read the words.

…  Thatd B really


Oh this is it!  They said yes!  They don't hate me, they feel the way I do!  I have to reply, I have to tell them how thankful I am without making it seem like I'm unhealthily obsessive.

Wow, u wait so

long then don't

no wat 2 do

Now I really feel like an idiot, a great big stupid idiot.  Oh man this is shameful, I could've at least thought of a decent reply.

Yeah i feel just

the same oh

wel i guess

its normal huh?

You really made me feel better with that text.  I want you to be with me right now, really I do.  I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight because I'm so excited.

Cant wait 2

C u tmos

It's true, I can't.  Tomorrow can't come soon enough.  You ring me and we start talking, what just happened was so fast but it felt like forever, I'm so glad you gave me the answer I wanted.  It's then you tell me that you kinda wanted me to ask, you were just shy.  Everything seems to fall into place, like it's meant to be.  We talk for hours, then find out what the time is, eventually we conclude that the sooner we go to bed the sooner we can see each other.  I wait for you to put the phone down first, it takes a while but soon we get there and you hang up after about a dozen goodbyes from each of us.

'I can't believe it.'

It's true I can't.  I get ready for bed and turn off the light, tripping over the junk in my room, I finally make it to my bed and get under the covers, I know that if I have a dream tonight it will be a good one because it will be of you.

Tomorrow comes and I get out of bed, I know today will be the best day of my life as I get to spend it all with you.