Did you ever wonder if there was something wrong with you? I mean, something that men can sense just by looking at you? Like a radar, saying `Don't come near me', or `Beware! Trouble ahead'? I feel that way a lot, but I can't figure out what my neon sign is flashing. I know I'm quiet, but how do people know that about me until they try to talk? How do people instantly know I'm not worth coming near?

Ever since I was a teenager I felt that way. High school dances, where my friends would be asked to dance, I was overlooked, or at least glanced at, discussed and then thrown aside. I don't think it's the way I look. Without sounding conceited, I don't think I'm ugly. So what is it about me that keep men at a distance?

I never had braces or glasses in high school, so I didn't have anything covering up the real me. I like to keep tings simple and clean, so does that mean that men see me as plain and boring? I never wear much makeup, I don't overdo it in the clothes department, and I never put myself in the center of attention. I don't like the spotlight, and why should I put myself in a situation that I hate simply to get noticed?

Sometimes, I feel this hidden desire to do something like other people I know. My sisters for example. They have no problem with putting themselves out there for people to notice, to comment on, to have an opinion of. And everyone thinks they're fun. I can be fun too! But no one ever wants to find that out.

I'm so tired of being ignored. I'm tired of being dumped because I don't go fast enough, because I won't let them have what I want. I'm tired of feeling like I'll never find the right person, like there is no perfect match for me. I'm tired of feeling like my destiny is to be alone, to never have the things I want. A husband, a child, a happy family. And I'm not saying I'm the only person who hasn't worked it out. I'd just like to know why I'm the only one who never seems to find any possibilities.

My sisters haven't been lucky in relationships so far, but they can at least say they've HAD at least one relationship. None of mine are worth putting in that category. Can you call two or three dates a relationship? Three weeks a relationship? No, I didn't think so.

Sometimes I just want to let go. Sometimes I want to become someone else. But what's the point if that's only going to attract someone for those qualities I pretend to have? What's the point, when the real me is hidden away deep inside? I like to think that if I just sit back and relax, one day it will happen. And I know that staying home at night is not going to bring Prince Charming to my door. I realize I have to socialize, but where do I socialize to find anybody? I have plenty of activities that I go to every week, dancing, taking night classes for fun. Why is there never anyone who could potentially be someone to fall in love with?

I know I'm afraid of being turned down. That's why I can never make the first move. How can I do it if I then have to face that person every week? If I have to keep going back to wherever they are to keep doing the things I love, only to see them and feel like I was stupid for doing what I did?

I know nothing is ever easy, I just never expected it to be this hard. Just once, I want something to make me happy for more than a month. Just once, I'd like to feel special, not just because he thinks I look good but because he thinks I'm smart, or funny, or because we always have something to talk about. Just once, I want a relationship to work.