It was a warm summer evening in the deep South. The cicadas were singing funeral dirges; the crickets were mocking them ruefully; the ants were ignoring everything except for the unfortunate critters that made the mistake of getting in their way. The lampost across the street stood crookedly, a few dents still in its base from where teenagers last summer had repeatedly accidentally backed into it. Its light was a deep bluish white, immediately lighting the space directly below the bulb's glass house, and sending light echoing quietly down the street. At least five families had assigned the men in their ranks the task of barbecuing; two of the men given the barbaric tradition had failed. Every now and then a lazy breeze would tug along the scent of burnt, meaty monstrosities instead of freshly mowed grass and dew and honeysuckle. The moon hadn't deemed us important enough to poke its head out of orbit enough and visit for a spell.
The breeze gently yanked at my hair. "I'm telling you, Morkospatz, you can't have the blasted book!"
I looked around my front porch. Yes, I was alone here. The lights were off, but echos lighted it enough for me to tell that I had only a dying fern for company. I looked across the lawn. No one. The sidewalk? No, not there, either. The voice had been insanely high-pitched, I knew that much, and it had sounded relatively close.
My voice caught in my throat like a Gobstopper that was too big. Better not to say anything; I didn't want to scare anyone off. I set my pipe down and stood.
My hair started to move, pointing down the street. "Oh, you little Neptune-blasted-" My hair stopped pointed. I went in the opposite direction. I still didn't see anyone. I walked, trying to be nonchalant and inconspicuous at the same time, behind my azalea bushes, wishing humans could somehow merge with bricks, like the ones forming a wall to my right.
After a few seconds of treading soundlessly save for all the times I'd stumbled, I came to the gate leading to the backyard. I frowned and peered through the wrought-iron bars. Were there lights in my yard?
Oh, yes. There were. Silver lights almost forming a perfect circle, except the top was a muddle of green, red, and blue lights blinking on and off. Curiously, I tiptoed to the gateway and squatted there, my nose poking through the bars.
The lights bobbed up and down, and what sounded like outraged mice squeaking to one another rapidly filled the air.
"Now, listen, Morkospatz. You and I know full well that you and the rest of the Fillifulaspitzes have had a long and successful trade here- you can even get pet humans! But the price you're asking is just too much. All we want is one silly amusement park."
"All we want is a fricking book," another voice replied. Though also high-pitched, it was gruffer and much, much ruder. "Why would you fairies want an amusement park, anyway? Get a crush on oversized rodents?"
A new shrill talker joined the mix. "We're too short to go on any of the rides!"
The first speaker silence the other. "Hush, Lililuschia! I'm sure-"
"HUMAN!" someone cried. Within seconds, the call was going up like a flock of perturbed crows spying fresh meat and only prevent from getting to it by a thin metal mesh. I looked around for the human. How dare they call attention here! Now the little creatures would be on the alert!
"Oomph!" I quickly grabbed my nose, which a pair of small arms had just given a strong tug. "Ow! Eek! Yo! Cut it out!" All to no avail. Arms were everywhere. I was drowning in a sea of wasps, wings pounding the air nearly as hard as they hit my skin. I closed my eyes tightly and curled up into a ball, pretending none of this was happening. I began to wobble. After a few seconds, I realized I was being carried. I gave an audible "Hmph" and crossed my eyes, opening my eyes so I could glare at everything.
At last, I was set down in the center of the circle, close enough to all the lights to realize that the silver lights were actually globes hung on small wooden twigs carried by very short humans, wearing leaves, with wings jutting out of their backs. The other, more colorful lights were attached to a small black ship of some sort, about the size of a large model car. Its inhabitants were looking at me angrily, purple-skinned and dressed in a silky silver.
"Human!" the little man said. He was standing with the little Martian dudes. "I demand to know what the hell you think you're doing here!"
"It's my lawn!" I replied stuffily. "Technically, you're trespassing. I ought to have you locked up!"
He laughed in reply. I didn't blame him.
"Perhaps, human, you could help us." The speaker was the owner of the first voice, and I saw that she was a magnificently splendid little woman with long, graceful wings and teeth jutting out of her mouth that told me there was a good chance she had rabies.
"You can't be serious!" Martian Dude said. "It's a human!"
"And hence rash, amoral, and a businessperson."
"As long as they've got something to gain, they're in business!" retorted Martian Dude. I half expected him to call to his ship and say, "Hi ho, Silver! Away!"
"Morkospatz, just chill out," the fairy lady demanded. "This human is going to help sort this matter out. Seeing as how we are, after all, trespassing on its very nice lawn." She looked at me for a few seconds and then waved her hand dismissively. "And after we take care of the matter, you can do with it what you like."
My jaw dropped.
Morkospatz considered, tapped one of his fifteen fingers against his chin. "Might as well. All right, what are we going to do, Criona?"
The lady, Criona, tugged on my arm and held up a book which was about three times her height and innumerable times her width. "This is a Book of Magic," she said. "We want to deal with these kind freaks to get Disney World. We've tried to go to Disney World before, but they won't let us on the rides because we're too short, and you stupid, foolish humans don't know how to convert nuts and berries to a few measly bucks. So we figured we'd buy the place-"
"What Criona means, is she expected us to give her the whole fricking place for free."
"Did not!"
"Did too! And we tried to sell her Disney Land in some Jupiter-forsaken wasteland out West a few years ago, but she wouldn't hear of it! She wouldn't even take our call!"
"You were soliciting! You said we could have the accursed place if we gave you one million, two hundred twenty fairy children to eat at your Ambassadors' Ball!"
Morkospatz's appendages, all twelve of them, shivered in a sort of shrug. "And because of that little request you get all bent out of shape."
"ARGH! No one likes solicitors, Dorkospaz."
"HEY!" Morkospatz started charging. The rest of the Martian dudes did too, as well as the fairies.
I scurried onto my feet. "Stop! These are new shoes! I don't want them to get dirty!" I cried. Too late. A fairy was already using my shoelace to knock a little purple-skinned warrior into splotches of indigo paint on the grass. I picked up my foot and tried to shake it off right as a Marvin Martian started using to ankle as a tree.
"Timber!" the little moron cried.
I stopped moving, then waved my arms frantically, teetering this way and that. I tried to put my foot down, but whenever I did, Martians and fairies tried to push my foot to the others' side. I leaned toward the fairies. They took in sharp breaths like crickets whispering to each other in horror. Regaining my balance, they breathed a sigh of relief. I began to fall the other way. They began to cheer and help me.
My rear exploded in pain, and I let out a quick "Eep!" before jumping up and running around my lawn, holding my rear delicately. When I ran out of breath, I turned toward the circle in time to see dark purple shapes running into the azalea bushes. The fairies were still celebrating, beginning to pass around acorn tops filled with liquid. I looked at what I had sat on.
The Martian ship.
Knowing what it was, I pried a bit of the ship out of my back end with a wince and a whimper.
Criona and Morkospatz shook hands, and Criona came towards me as the other walked with as much dignity as he oculd muster into the bushes. "Good news, human. We have arranged to purchase Six Flags instead in exchange for giving the Fillifulaspitzes a ride home."
I nodded.
"I think you'd better get back home, human. Morkospatz isn't going to be pleased with how you treated his ship. He's had that piece of junk for a few dozen centuries. Made of Legos, if you ask me, but whatever, right? Just wanted to tell you to watch your back." She turned and went back to the festivities.
Realizing I wasn't going to get any acorns, I growled and stood, cringing as my brain received the message that my butt hadn't appreciated the movement. With nothing to show for my impressive hard work but a pain in my butt, I went inside and fell on my bed, whimpering softly. Stupid Legos.
By the same time the next evening, I'd started thinking it had all been some sort of hallucination. I'd looked outside, but there wasn't a trace of anything amiss. Nonetheless, I decided not to tell anyone. I liked being thought of as relatively sane.
Lying in my bed, I stared up at the ceiling. My butt still hurt, but I doubted that meant anything. I began to watch a small red dot that floated across my wall. A blue one joined it. Then a green. They began to grow larger. I tried to sit up and found I couldn't. The green light found me first. Then the blue and red raced over. My room exploded in white light.
A familiar voice came through the speaker of my radio: "Hello, human. I believe you have some dues to work off..."
My body started to float, drifting to the window, which had somehow opened.
"Oopsies," I muttered.
© 2002