I never made it to the light. I never drifted away in my sweet sorrows. The
sun started rising, pointing accusing rays onto me.
I ran. I ran like everything was chasing me. Chasing me away from their warm, safe havens. I wasn't allowed in this kind of warmth. This overwhelming warmth shunned me like the piece of dirt I am.
One thought raced through my head over and over again as I ran away. 'Not allowed. Not allowed.' As I kept repeating it in my head it became a sort of silent mantra.
When I came to damp, dark hole in the wall I stopped. I peered inside but blackness stared back. Getting on my knees I crawled inside. I feel asleep holding my knees while rocking back and forth.
I awoke hours later to see the sun falling. In my hole the sun's incriminating rays didn't reach me. I was thankful for the welcoming dark. Even if it didn't understand me it didn't shun me. I couldn't handle the shunning.
I crept out of my hole to look at my surroundings. It seems I didn't run very far. I knew this street. It was a few blocks away from my precious lamppost. With a last glance back at my hole I saw what it was. There before me was a dumpster that had been pushed a bit away from the wall.
'I had slept behind a dumpster? Behind rotting food and rodents? Was I that afraid of being shunned?'
I felt the stench brand me. It encompassed me while whispering that I'm a no good, worthless, homeless freak who reeks of dirt, grime and spoiled food. 'How would anyone ever love me now?'
I'd run away from the hate of my family to become hated by the world. Now the whole world is against me. The people in white uniforms wouldn't even want me now. I suppose this must be my fate. To lead the life of an outcast. Shunned by all, loved by noone.
The tears coming down my face weren't ones of comfort. They were ones of loss. I've lost the world of white coats, pills and protein liquid. Lost the world of concerned faces and broken hearts. The only broken heart that's left is my dying one. It's bleeding for noone but crying for everyone. It just keeps crying and bleeding. The tears and blood mingling together to form my own uncomfortable sorrow.
'With this knowledge how could I ever be accepted into the light now? Why do I feel the need for such a solace? Why not be content in my misery? Why not just return to the world of screams and silence?'
I look around me once again. 'Where was I now? I was nothing. A "Nowhere Man" standing in my "Nowhere Land".'
My heart is racing and blood is pounding in my ears as I start walking away. I have to get away from the awful stench. I have to get away from the pool of tears at my feet.
My face became pained. 'Wait. Where was I to go? Why was I always going somewhere? Maybe this was where I was meant to be. Maybe I should stop running. Just because the world was against didn't give me the right to keep on running. Besides my feet hurt. My body hurts.'
I stop again and take another look around. 'What was with the world anyways? Why didn't it want me? What was so wrong with me? Why did the people in white uniforms that looked so pleasant and peaceful reject me? I had only gone there to escape a reality which choked my own existence. The fact that I hadn't been given a choice in the matter didn't really matter. I had went and I had behaved and I had liked it there... Until the damn broken hearts and crying got to me...
'Everything always gets to me...
'Well screw them. Screw them... Screw them...'
"Screw them!" My voice broke the penetrating silence. Then the tears start again.
'Always crying... I'm always crying... Why?'
My feet pick up their pace. I could see it. There before me is the lamppost. The beautifully dull lamppost. It never asks anything of anybody. How I love that small, black lamppost that shed light onto the pavement in a circle of warmth. It was just a small circle. A small circle that held so much promise.
'How did I know it held promise? Where had I gotten the idea a stupid lamppost held promise?'
I shake my head to clear my thoughts. Now wasn't the time to be thinking. Not with the lamppost so close to me. So close to taking everything away and saving me from the world.
'There should be more lampposts in the world,' I thought as I cross the small street.
~*~
okay... tell me what you think of this chapter? i wasn't really sure about writing more to this story so i'd really like your opinions. is it any good? does it have potential? please review! *_* lots of love!
I ran. I ran like everything was chasing me. Chasing me away from their warm, safe havens. I wasn't allowed in this kind of warmth. This overwhelming warmth shunned me like the piece of dirt I am.
One thought raced through my head over and over again as I ran away. 'Not allowed. Not allowed.' As I kept repeating it in my head it became a sort of silent mantra.
When I came to damp, dark hole in the wall I stopped. I peered inside but blackness stared back. Getting on my knees I crawled inside. I feel asleep holding my knees while rocking back and forth.
I awoke hours later to see the sun falling. In my hole the sun's incriminating rays didn't reach me. I was thankful for the welcoming dark. Even if it didn't understand me it didn't shun me. I couldn't handle the shunning.
I crept out of my hole to look at my surroundings. It seems I didn't run very far. I knew this street. It was a few blocks away from my precious lamppost. With a last glance back at my hole I saw what it was. There before me was a dumpster that had been pushed a bit away from the wall.
'I had slept behind a dumpster? Behind rotting food and rodents? Was I that afraid of being shunned?'
I felt the stench brand me. It encompassed me while whispering that I'm a no good, worthless, homeless freak who reeks of dirt, grime and spoiled food. 'How would anyone ever love me now?'
I'd run away from the hate of my family to become hated by the world. Now the whole world is against me. The people in white uniforms wouldn't even want me now. I suppose this must be my fate. To lead the life of an outcast. Shunned by all, loved by noone.
The tears coming down my face weren't ones of comfort. They were ones of loss. I've lost the world of white coats, pills and protein liquid. Lost the world of concerned faces and broken hearts. The only broken heart that's left is my dying one. It's bleeding for noone but crying for everyone. It just keeps crying and bleeding. The tears and blood mingling together to form my own uncomfortable sorrow.
'With this knowledge how could I ever be accepted into the light now? Why do I feel the need for such a solace? Why not be content in my misery? Why not just return to the world of screams and silence?'
I look around me once again. 'Where was I now? I was nothing. A "Nowhere Man" standing in my "Nowhere Land".'
My heart is racing and blood is pounding in my ears as I start walking away. I have to get away from the awful stench. I have to get away from the pool of tears at my feet.
My face became pained. 'Wait. Where was I to go? Why was I always going somewhere? Maybe this was where I was meant to be. Maybe I should stop running. Just because the world was against didn't give me the right to keep on running. Besides my feet hurt. My body hurts.'
I stop again and take another look around. 'What was with the world anyways? Why didn't it want me? What was so wrong with me? Why did the people in white uniforms that looked so pleasant and peaceful reject me? I had only gone there to escape a reality which choked my own existence. The fact that I hadn't been given a choice in the matter didn't really matter. I had went and I had behaved and I had liked it there... Until the damn broken hearts and crying got to me...
'Everything always gets to me...
'Well screw them. Screw them... Screw them...'
"Screw them!" My voice broke the penetrating silence. Then the tears start again.
'Always crying... I'm always crying... Why?'
My feet pick up their pace. I could see it. There before me is the lamppost. The beautifully dull lamppost. It never asks anything of anybody. How I love that small, black lamppost that shed light onto the pavement in a circle of warmth. It was just a small circle. A small circle that held so much promise.
'How did I know it held promise? Where had I gotten the idea a stupid lamppost held promise?'
I shake my head to clear my thoughts. Now wasn't the time to be thinking. Not with the lamppost so close to me. So close to taking everything away and saving me from the world.
'There should be more lampposts in the world,' I thought as I cross the small street.
~*~
okay... tell me what you think of this chapter? i wasn't really sure about writing more to this story so i'd really like your opinions. is it any good? does it have potential? please review! *_* lots of love!