Daddy...

Daddy do you love me?
I'm not so sure these days.
Daddy do you see me,
Without feeling distaste?

Daddy you know I love you.
But today I'm not so sure.
Today you made me angry,
And it didn't end good.

Daddy do you hate me?
But daddy, what is hate?
Is it the feeling I get,
When I see your face?

Daddy I think I hate you,
But today I'm not so sure.
You took me out to a movie,
And we got along good.

Daddy do you love her,
The woman I call mom?
If so then why are you fighting,
That load that I'm scared so?

Daddy why'd you leave me?
Why did you pack up and move?
Is it something that I did?
If so then what'd I do wrong?

This place is not the same without you.
Is that why we sold the house?
It feels kinda empty,
Without your junk cluttering up the ground.

Daddy why'd you do it?
Make me feel so bad?
What did I do wrong?
It makes me feel so sad.

All the times I came home,
I told you how the day went.
You never told me "good for you"
You always wanted more from me,
You wanted me to change.
You wanted me to be the best.
You wanted me to be above the rest.

But daddy I couldn't do that.
I'm imperfect in every way.
I know I'm not like my perfect brother,
Who's smart and simply great.

Daddy I know you never wanted me.
I know you wanted a boy.
But daddy I can't change that part!
I'm a girl, not a boy.
I like things you don't.
I dislike what you do.

Maybe it's better this way.
Maybe it could work.
Maybe if we don't see each other,
Then our hate won't show.

Daddy I love you.
But...
Daddy I hate you too.
Daddy I'm not perfect,
But...
I'm good at what I do.

Do you understand now daddy?
Did I make it clear?
You have to give me breathing room,
If you are going to come near.

You made me who I am today.
This dejecting, unlovable me.
This person I wish,
Had never come to be.

You helped make me who I am today.
You and all the rest,
Whoever pushed me the wrong way,
Whoever made me mindless.

Daddy I'm so scared now.
Daddy I want to die.
Daddy I think I'm crying,
These tears in my eyes.

Daddy do you get it?
Do you finally see the truth?
Daddy I can't be you,
I can't be the same.
You want me to be just like that,
That way that you subsist.
But I can't for you see,
I'm nothing like you at all.

Maybe that's why we don't get along.
Maybe that's why we fight.

Daddy I can't do this today.
Not to day or ever again.
So daddy please stop trying,
It's never gonna work.

So please just shut up,
And leave me to hell, alone.
***

Ok, this is the latest in my "self-discovery" series. This was written in
the dead of night a day or two before I moved for the 5th time in 10 years.
This was brought on by my lingering feelings of self hatred and my
feelings about my dad and the divorce. It wasn't hard to write, the words
flowed easily, but it's a hard subject for me to talk about. I will never
breech this subject with my dad.