Enough about me, lets talk about you for a minute
Enough about you, lets talk about life for a while
The conflicts, the crazyness
And the sense of pretences falling
All around...

What is reality anyway?

I let my fingers run over the carpet of the living-room floor. The room is so full that I just sit here on the carpet for lack of chairs. The fabric feels soft and woolly. A happy feeling.

I am happy. I look around the room and I see familiar faces, faces I love. Stuart is sitting across from me, on the couch, watching the television and occasionally smiling at me. We are watching the Matrix. Again. I smile. It doesn't matter how many times you see it. It is and always will be a fantastic movie. The sense of surreality...is this real or not? Am I really here? What is reality anyway?

Next to me are Gina, Xander and Rachel. We have known them for years. Rachel does not like SciFi at all. But Xander does so she gives in. This time. She is a very quiet person but once you get to know her you find yourself amazed at her strength and stamina. I admire her.

I take a sip from my Breezer and look around me. Thomas is sitting on the other side of me, his long curls tucked behind his ears and completely wrapped up in the movie. He came here straight from a hard day of work at his house, freshly showered and with hair still dripping. He is funny like that sometimes. Doesn't care a bit what the world thinks of him.

"Did you know that this is the fifth time I see the Matrix?"

I grin at him. He laughs his typical laugh that makes him Thomas all over. I love him to death.

It's my birthday. There are half filled glasses everywhere, the table is stained with all sorts of goo but I don't care. Torn paper is lying crumpled on the floor and the cat has a feast with it.

I see Keanu Reeves and that woman who plays Trinity - I always keep forgetting her real name - ransack the hall of the building where the Agents are holding Morpheus. I love that scene. It is terribly violent but the way it is shot always holds me captivated. Fragments of marble flying everywhere in slow-motion. I see Keanu make a somersault in the air, kicking one of the policemen and landing on his feet with such an incredible grace that I am tingling all over. It turns me on.

I give Stuart a sidelong look and silently hope that the night will be over soon and we can tumble into bed together. I long for him so.

There isn't a monopoly
Of common sense
On either side
Of the political fence

Gina is putting on her jacket, face white. She stands there slightly hunched over. A few months ago they discovered that she has Crohn's disease and now she has stomach cramps.

"It's okay," she says.

"It's probably just the peanuts I ate. One good night's sleep and I will be fine."

I walk her to the door. It's late, past midnight and most of the buildings surrounding our flat are dark and quiet. Gina unlatches her bike that she stalled in front of the kitchen window. I tell her that I will call her tomorrow. Just to make sure she is ok. Then she walks off with the bike in one hand. I hope she will be all right.

Xander and Rachel have already left. They live close by so they came here on foot. Today is Xander's father's birthday as well so they left halfway through the movie.

It is a very clear night and I stand at my front door for a while, looking out over the center of Delft. I can see the spire of the city hall from here, lit from below by large decorative lights. I love Delft. It has the cosyness of a little village but all the conveniences of a city. The center is lovely with its cobblestones and old buildings. Alanis Morissette is playing in the background. Pieces of music reach my ears but I cannot make out the text.

The large buildings around me remind me of America. It's already been more than a month. Unimaginable. Every time I see the Twin Towers somewhere something inside me cringes. The scene from the Matrix comes to mind where Morpheus shows Neo what the real world looks like: a burned and charred New York skyline. I shiver.

Stuart calls for me and I return to the living room. Only Thomas is left and he is lying on the floor, propped up on one of the cushions he took from the couch. He seems very relaxed and I grin.

That's the Thomas I know. Ever since he and Gina broke up he has been kind of subdued. He was the one who called it off but he seems more troubled by it than she is. But is seems he is slowly returning to his old self.

We talk about the house he has bought. He is doing the redecorating himself and the entire bathroom is a mess of old wires, broken tiles and dust. There is still some dust in his hair. He was supposed to go parachute jumping this afternoon, but decided to work on his house instead.

The TV is still on the DVD channel and I start randomly zapping around, my attention more focused on what Thomas is saying than actually looking at the screen. A static noise emits from the speakers and I see Stuart standing up, rummaging around with the cables on the back of the thing.

We have just bought this television and now it is broken already!

Stuart takes the remote from my hand and flicks through the channels. How odd. All the commercial channels are down but the public ones are not.

"Probably a down satellite" says Stuart, halting at the CNN channel.

A very young reporter fills the screen. He stumbles over his words. This obviously is not a prerecorded program or anything. "Emergency Broadcast" flickers in big neon letters at the top op the screen.

"...detonated in Paris".

It is all I hear because we tuned in as he was already speaking.

"WHAT?" I yell...

Is this another World Trade Center? What has detonated? Another airplane? I try to make out what the reporter is saying as Stuart and Thomas stand next to me, eyes glued to the screen.

The reporter is now talking to another reporter standing in front of the Red Square. I strain to listen. What is going on? What is happening? Gooseflesh crawls up my skin. I have a terrible premonition, and before I even remotely understand what the two reporters are talking about, the screen that the CNN reporter is talking to comes ablaze with light and then only issues static.

My heart stops. I drop the breezer that is still in my hands on the table, where it shatters in many small pieces. It leaves a crack in the glass top of the table. I don't notice.

That was no ordinary bomb...

We stand there, dumbfounded. Thomas starts to laugh hysterically. The CNN reporter tries to regain his composure but fails utterly. I listen, tears streaming down my face. I feel like I am choking. All those people! And then: What about us?

The reporter listens to something that is said to him over his earphones and I can see his eyes widen. Terror? Shock? Disbelief? I know he has heard some terrible information and I wait for it to formulate on his lips.

He tells us that Tokyo was just vanished away by the detonation of an A-bomb...

I sink back into the chair behind me slowly. The leather feels soft and smooth and protective. I don't believe what I just heard. This is just a joke right? Someone's sick joke. Please. PLEASE tell me this is a joke!

Thomas has gone very quiet. After his fit of laughter he hasn't said a word. Stuart looks at me and I can see that he is trembling all over. He clenches his fists and then relaxes them again. Tension radiates from him as if he were on fire.

A crackling voice is heard on the intercom of the CNN studio, sealing our fate.

"It's just reported that there are at least 50 missiles with A-bombs on their way to several destinations in the world. The how and why is still unclear."

The young reporter looks as if he is going to throw up. He is fidgeting around with his hands, rummaging through papers on the desk, looking up occasionally to shoot the camera a nervous, terrified look. Bet he wasn't trained for this one, I think sarcastically.

All of us are living in borrowed time

I wander around the house, touching various things that are dear to me. I no longer want to listen to the television. A moment ago the names of cities that have been destroyed already came scrolling down the screen. Moscow, Paris, Tokyo. Washington, New York, Philadelphia. Rome.

I remember Stuart and me, strolling hand in hand across the Via Appia.

I love you, he whispers. I will always love you.

The watercolor paintings we bought at a little stall somewhere in the center of Rome face me accusingly. They are screaming at me with their pretty pastel colors. Its all gone now. Thousands of years of culture destroyed.

For what? For fucking WHAT? What did I do wrong? Why us?!

My hand that touches one of the books in my bookcase trembles. NO! I must not panic now!

I am living in borrowed time.

The phrase continues to sing around in my head. I must have read it somewhere. "I am living in borrowed time." Have you ever heard anything that sad?

I need to imprint everything in my mind, what I love, what life was like, who the most important people in my life were. I tried to call my parents a minute ago but the line is dead. I will never see them again...

I take down their picture from one of the walls. They have their arms around each other, looking into the camera happily. I can remember that day very vividly.

We went to an amusement park together, my parents, Stuart and me. The weather wasn't that great, it was raining off and on, but it was a beautiful day still. The leaves of the trees smelled so fresh and clean, and I felt an incredible love for the world. This was perfect happiness...I took out my camera and caught my parents on film, holding each other dearly. Their love radiated from the picture.

A sob escapes my throat. Slowly I sink to the floor, clutching my body, crying out my agony. It is not me I am crying for. It is the world. Some idiot somewhere had his buttons pushed wrong and now we are looking towards oblivion.

I feel two arms around me. Its Stuart. My love. My life. How I will miss him. But he is here, fortunately. He is here on the last birthday of my life and we will be together until the end.

He lets me go and starts to pace around the house, grabbing plastic bags and stuffing them full with whatever he can find.

"What are you doing?" I ask him, looking at Thomas as if he has all the answers.

But Thomas is still staring at the TV. A slight smile touches his lips as he turns to look at me. He shrugs.

"I guess this is it..." he mumbles.

He looks as if he doesn't care but I know that inside he is screaming.

Stuart turns to me with a frantic look in his eyes.

"We have to get out of here!"

I shake my head.

"Where would you go? There is nowhere to go. Don't you understand that??"

But Stuart turns around and continues what he is doing. I scream at him.

"I don't want to go somewhere else! Don't you get it? We are going to DIE, whether we go or stay! I don't want to die in a strange place! I don't want to die WITHOUT you!"

I claw at him, pulling him down on the floor with me, struggling with him every inch of the way. I will not let him go. Ever.

He gives in. There are scratches on his face where I hit him and he is bleeding. My hair is a mess and two fingernails are torn but I don't give a damn.

I lie in his arms, sobbing, clutching him for dear life. And then I hear the door fall shut.

Thomas.

He has left.

In a flash I am off, shouting for him but he is gone. I don't know where he went. I hear Stuart stifle a sob and I know what he is thinking. Thomas will die alone.

We do not know much,
but we DO know that it was us who scorched the skies...

Stuart and I stand on the balcony, hand in hand. We can see the skyline of Rotterdam from here. The sky is very clear and the temperature is rather nice for this time of year.

My tears have dried up.

There is nothing we can do.

I look to the right, roughly in the direction of where my parents live and I say a silent prayer for them.

Mom, I love you. Dad, I love you too. May you not suffer too greatly. You are in my thoughts and heart always...

I hear sirens coming from different directions: ambulances and policecars race by, on their way to the highway beyond. There are people wandering the streets aimlessly, yelling, shouting or crying.

What do you do when you know you have such little time left to live?

Stuart pulls me close to him and holds me tight.

"I love you Amber," he whispers in my ear.

"I love you so much. I cannot believe that this is how it ends."

His heart beats like crazy under his sweater and I can see he is crying.

"I love you too..."

My voice breaks and sobs rack my body. I cannot believe that this will be the last time I ever see him.

I turn his face to mine and I kiss him wildly while behind us the sky above Rotterdam lights up in a blaze of fire. A large roar reaches our ears as the tremendous fireball reaches higher and higher.

My hair is blown out of my face and silently we watch the shockwave coming towards us. Trees and houses pulverize as if a gigantic invisible fist knocks them over. It seems to go on forever although it cannot have lasted more than a few seconds.

I pull Stuart tight in an embrace and close my eyes.

Darkness falls down around me.

My love...

It is the last thought ever to drift through my mind….

Darkness