Rae of Sunlight
*a.n.- please keep in mind that this is in stream of consciousness. I wrote this after i wrote "poem," and now i want this first so yea. y'know, that whole chronological order thing. read away

Part I.
Missing Something

im sitting waiting by the phone in my bed but you havent called yet even though you said you would call at 8 its 11 now and im not supposed to get calls now at the home im staying at but you call anyway while i am in the middle of writing a very nice poem

hi. todd?
hello. rae?
yea
hi
hi
i miss you
yea, its been so long since ive seen you
when are you coming down?
i dont know

he misses me
so we keep talking for a long time and at about midnight i start to fall asleep which is strange because i cant sleep when there is voices especially deep ones but your voice is just so soothing i just drift away even though your voice is very deep

are you falling asleep? hello?

i wake up because there is such an urgency in your voice like you couldnt bear having to hang up on me without telling me that you love me but i already know that you do
the only problem is that i don't think i love you
and now it is time to say our goodbyes because you dont want me falling asleep on you again because i do it all the time

ok goodnight
goodnight
i love you
you too
ill call you tomorrow
ok bye
bye

and you hang up but i cant sleep now even though i was falling asleep earlier its like when youre around or even just talking to me i feel so safe like im in a little bubble that cant be popped until you say goodbye
and youre going to call me tomorrow even though i havent said i love you in two weeks all ive said is a noncommittal -you too- because i dont know what to say to you because you always do such nice things for me
tomorrow i have to call you before you call me so that i can tell you the truth about how i feel because even though youre the exact same age as me i still feel so old and you seem so young and innocent
i corrupt you
the next day while i am home alone i call you and you sound worried because you were not expecting me to call because i never call its always you i guess you must realize what is going to happen
i hate to do this to you

how are you?
not good

maybe he will realize that i am not good because i do not love him and he loves me so much and wastes his time and money on me

not good? whats wrong?
i dont know
ok
i dont think we should be together anymore
what? why?
um, it is so hard being so far away from you cause you live like four hours away
is that it? i can move i swear we can work it out
no we cant
why not?
because i dont know its so hard to explain
ok
yea
do you still love me?
thats what im not so sure about anymore
ok then
yea
is there any reason that you dont love me?
no no theres nothing wrong with you its just im so terrible and i well i feel like i corrupt you and waste your time because im always so sad and then i just i dont know i just cant love anyone right now
ok
i dont know
well then we can still be friends
ok thats good
maybe sometime i will call you
sure
well i guess this is it
yea
bye
goodbye

i say goodbye because i know i will never see you again and i know you will never call me even though you said you would
you will move on you will find someone else and i will slowly die of sadness
you sounded so sad it really broke my heart to break yours i could hear it breaking over the phone line the sadness in your voice made me want to take it all back and say im sorry
three months and an abusive boyfriend later i am missing you so bad
you were never like the last guy who always wanted to know where i was and who i was with
he said he was so sorry for hitting me but he will never be forgiven for his mean words you never said anything mean unless it was a joke and even then i would say something right back and it was all a big joke and it just didnt feel like he was joking
you always used to use such kind and beautiful words and tell me how beautiful my poetry was and to hold me whenever possible and he could not make me fall asleep with his voice so im thinking i made a big mistake
you would always touch my face and kiss my nose in such a cute way and the only time he ever touched my face was the one time when he hit me
i hit him back
but you would never hit me you told me yourself that hurting me in anyway was the worst thing to do and then i went and hurt you so much
you were so smart cause youre going to a faraway college and i had to stay home and work at the sticky old coffee place because i couldnt afford college you always told me i should go because i am so smart but i disagree
i havent been able to write another poem since i left you i dont know whats wrong its like the words are glued in my mind and refuse to slide out easily like they used to
i still talk to your best friends sister sometimes because shes so nice and she says that you have a girlfriend again and you seem very happy with her
and now i am alone because i made a big mistake and i corrupted you but you will never find anyone like me but i hope you do so that you can be happy with her and i will try to find someone though i dont think i ever will
and now i feel like im missing something because i dont have you and all i have left is the memory of all the things you said to me
i was so stupid to be afraid of your kind words but now im all alone so i hope youre not and that youre having a good time and very happy
because im not.