A/N: It's all Jean's fault! (. . . she broke the plate, I tried to stop her . . .) No really, this skit is a satire and not meant to reflect my personal opinions, nor Jean's for that matter. At least, not most of the time.
CHOIR MEMBER #1 A talented singer who just isn't good enough.
CHOIR MEMBER #2 A very musically insecure person.
CHOIR MEMBER #3 This choir member has the ultimate weapon against the
Weavester, a big, brown nose.
THE BIG, BAD WEAVE-DOG a.k.a. Mr. Weaver, the choir director at my school.
NARRATOR The bigger, badder storyteller.
Once upon a time, not so long ago, in a land not so far away, there lived three little choir members and a big, bad Weave-Dog, who did not especially like being called by this name.
If you call me that again, I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll . . .
You forget I'm writing the script.
Now, where was I? Oh, yes, the big, bad Weave-Dog. One day, he decided to start a choir, and held auditions. At first, no one made the choir, so the Weave-Dog reorganized his scoring methods so that it was humanly possible to pass the audition. After choosing the choir members, the Weave-Dog arranged for them to be tested on the songs they would be singing. Little did the unsuspecting choir members know, but really this was the Weave-Dog's secret plan to gain control over their egos.
(clears throat and waves script in WEAVE-DOG's face) As I was saying, the choir members now began to prepare for this ultimate test.
(C.M. #1 skips on SR.)
I have studied so much for this test that I cannot possibly fail. I know my part backwards and forwards.
But when the time of testing came . . .
You're flat! Aargh! I can't stand it! Sing the notes right!
I am singing them right. I've practiced for ages.
Don't tell me what's right! I have perfect pitch . . . and you're FLAT! You cannot possibly comprehend what discord this is to my ears! You fail!
(C.M. #1 walks off SR, dejected.)
(sniffles) Aww, what a shame. Now our second choir member is the shy sort, doesn't say much other than what she has to.
(C.M. #2 walks on SL.)
Wouldn't even say her lines for this skit, so I'm stuck with the job. Anyway, she practiced and practiced, like the Weave-Dog's first victim. Let's see how she did on her vocal test.
Your tone quality is awful! If I didn't have perfect pitch, I wouldn't even be able to hear you! Sing louder next time, if you even can. But this time, you fail!
(C.M. #2 runs off SL, sobbing.)
The Weave-Dog knows no mercy! Please tell me this will not be the fate of our next choir member, poor thing.
(C.M. #3 walks on SR, then throws himself to the ground, groveling.)
O Most Excellent Weave-Dog . . .
I hate that name.
O Most Excellent not-Weave-Dog, you are the greatest musician ever to walk the face of this planet. Please have mercy on me, your humble student, who cannot possibly hit all the notes correctly because I cannot fathom the mysteries of perfect pitch.
Your performance did lack certain qualities, namely the correct pitches, but I guess I can be lenient . . . just this once. After all, YOU can't be perfect . . . A-minus.
(WEAVE-DOG and C.M. #3 begin to walk off SR.)
So Weave-Dog and the choir member with the brown nose lived happily ever after.
I can't believe they got me to act in this retarded skit.
(WEAVE-DOG and C.M. #3 exit SL.)