Things I'll Never Say

Julie E. Miller

2002

Prologue: This Is Your Life

When I was a little girl, life seemed so full of hope. I had a mother who loved me and supported ever decision I ever made. She helped me through my rough times and praised me during the best of times. She was my number one fan and never let me forget that. My mother was my hero. She was the woman I looked up to, the woman I wanted to be like. She taught me about love, even when her own had failed. Most of all, my mother taught me about life and how to win at it. It was these lessons that I looked forward to learning and soaked up. Just when I had begun to learn more, it all ended.

She died, the month before my senior year in high school was finished. It was a horrible car accident, one where the driver of the other car had been under the influence of alcohol.

I was terribly shaken and depressed for the entire week after. I was an orphan. My father worked in on an army base in Maryland, halfway across the country. He had divorced my mom when I was two, because he was too married to his job. He wouldn't want me. I would merely be a burden.

To my surprise however, he drove those thousand miles across country to see me. I thought he was just paying it off to be some kind of make-up for not being there for me for seventeen years and then he'd leave again, but he obviously had other plans. Her death meant he had custody of me and he was taking me back to Maryland. Moving in with my dad was the last thing I wanted to have happen. I hadn't seen him in four years and suddenly he just popped up and said he was there for me? Gee, thanks Dad. I love you too.

Over the course of the next three days, he helped me pack. I had chosen a code of silence in his presence though. He'd try to start conversations, but I really didn't feel like talking to him. I said good-byes to all of my friends and we sorted through everything in my house. I did what I could to keep myself together, but I regretted this move. I didn't want new friends, a new house, or a new life. I wanted things to be the way they were when my mom was alive, but that wasn't going to happen to me.

We arrived in Maryland a week later. I stepped out of the car and looked at my father's house. It was on base and one of the nicest there. The white house had trees surrounding it and was two stories tall. My dad started lugging in boxes, chatting with me, and trying to get me to talk.

I still won't speak. His years of absence did more than he could ever know. Gaining my trust would be like a cold day in hell. Maybe he'd finally realize what he'd put me through.

Either way, I was here to stay. Make the most of it? I wanted nothing more than to try. I didn't want to be miserable. Chance of succeeding here? Zero to none.