This is a true story.

Bouncing Fishies

By Farla

One day, a thirteen-year-old girl got a playstation. This girl was known as Farla on the internet, and although that was not her name, she will be called that from here on. Her brother's doing all of the name-calling anyway, and he calls her Farla for some reason.

Now, Tom, a friend of Farla's mother, brought over a bunch of playstation games he had. After playing Bust-A-Move 4 a few times, Farla picked up the game Aquanaut's Holiday.

"What's this?" asked Farla.

"It's a game where you travel around the ocean. No monsters, no violence, no pressure, just the ocean. You can build a coral reef or use sound to attract or repel fish. It's a nice, non-violent game. I think it's nice that games without violence can…"

Farla decided to give it a try, so she put the black-bottomed compact disk into the playstation and turned it on.

Sure enough, you could travel around the ocean. It was really, really, really boring. Farla couldn't find any of the fish Tom had mentioned. So she pressed random buttons and somehow ended up at the screen to build a coral reef. Pressing more random buttons resulted in a rather chaotic distribution of big, yellow blocks in a section of the ocean. Finally, Farla ran out of blocks, pressed still more random buttons, and got back to the ocean.

She traveled a bit longer, and found the 'coral reef', a collection of hard yellow squares, some of which she had hanging in the air. And there, at last, were the fish.

"Try to get closer and talk with them," urged Tom. "The graphics are really good."

Having seen the 'coral reef', Farla had her doubts, but powering up the sub, she sped toward them.

Just as Tom said, the graphics were good. Aiming for the fish was very hard, however, due to the poor mobility and the fact the fish would swim away. The game was still boring as hell.

"Hey," Farla said suddenly, "What happens if I hit them?"

Tom got a sort of sick look on his face and said that probably nothing would happen, this was a non-violent game for children to play without blood or gore and was intellectually stimulating and why would anyone want to hit the fish, because this was a non-violent game and…

Farla aimed for a school of tiny fish, because they were the least able to escape, and managed to hit them. Only nothing happened, and the screen passed right through them.

"See!" said Tom triumphantly. "Aquanaut's Holiday is a non-violent game, and the programmers didn't put in anything to let you hurt the fish because this is a non-violent game and…"

Farla decided to swim through that weird, trout-like thing to get a good look at it, and then turn the game off.

The fish bounced off the screen with a squeaky, bouncy sound that was a cross between a rubber duck and a well-inflated punch ball balloon.

"Bouncing fishies!" screamed Farla's five-year-old brother in glee. "Hit the fishies! Bounce the fishes, Farla! Bouncing fishiiiiieeeesssss!!!"

Farla, laughing hysterically, aimed the camera at the innocent dolphin she spotted a few hundred feet away.

The moral of tale is that no matter how hard anyone tries, children always want violence. And game programmers are sick little bastards who delight in obliging us. If anyone has ever heard the sound of a sea turtle bouncing in Aquanaut's Holiday, you'll understand how absolutely perfect and funny the sound is. Bouncing fishies forever!