A/N: This is a story about a girl named…no, sorry. No Britney Spears. This is a tale about my afternoon. No, I don't have purple hair. That's a long story. If you actually want to know, email me and I'll tell you. Enjoy :o)


The Girl with Purple Hair

Once upon a time, there was a girl with purple hair that lived on a sheep farm. Whenever she got bored she would ignore the sheep entirely and never once thought that they were horses.

Anyway, one day, the girl with purple hair was home alone because her parents went skipping off to Lost Lake for the tenth time, only this time the girl with purple hair didn't have to go with them. She was sitting at home on her computer writing an email when she looked out of the window and HOLY GOD there were SHEEP in the driveway!

Now to someone who is say, a townie, this wouldn't be so amazing. They would tell the girl with purple hair that she lives on a sheep farm and there are bound to be sheep around the house. But They would only say that because They were in the dark on how a sheep farm works.

Sheep do not belong in the driveway. Sheep belong in the various pastures. The driveway is not a various pasture; it is a driveway where cars are parked. Much like parkways are where cars are driven. But this is not about the mysteries of life. This is about the girl with purple hair and her sheep.

So the girl with purple hair was looking out of her window and there were sheep in the driveway. So she mentioned something the email that she was currently composing about the sheep in the driveway, realized that she should be DOING something, and then nearly fell down the stairs.

When the girl with purple hair reached The Great Outdoors™, she stopped, alive in her tracks, unsure as what to do first. Then it HIT her. 'It' was a large object made entirely of cement that caused quite the damage upon contact…no, forget that. 'It' was a thought. A revelation! The first step would be to figure out where the sheep had escaped.

Was the fence down? Was a gate open? Was there a high-tech passageway that tunneled under the fence? No. There were none of these.

Indeed the opposite. Or not. It was rather related, not opposite at all.

You see, dear reader, the girl with purple hair had parents. That is where she came from.

Her parents had decided, after many seconds of contemplation, that a hog panel secured with twine would make an excellent substitute for a gate.

Well they were wrong.

The 'gate', as it will now be referred to, was open. And the sheep had happily waltzed out. The girl with purple hair would like to thank her parents when she makes her acceptance speech after receiving splendid awards for this story.

So, the 'gate' was open. The girl with purple hair then headed for the other side of the house in the blazing sun. She then realizes that the dogs will not be a great deal of help in this situation, so she shuts them in The House™.

Then the girl with purple hair goes back out to the nasty dirt road. She gasps – dramatic music plays – the camera zooms – and we see that the sheep are GONE. (Insert echo here)

With a groan, the girl with purple hair fixes her sandal and starts to walk up the road. She finds the sheep in a small field above the house, nibbling on the savory blades of grass. She utters a vulgar oath.

The next 1800 seconds are spent trying to make the sheep understand reason – an area where the girl with purple hair was very unreasonable herself. She talked to them, assuming that it would help in some way. Finally, she snapped and went back to the house, defeated by the fiery sun.

Within moments, she was back out on the road, walking after the sheep once again. The gasp and music and camera zooms are far less dramatic this time around, as she realizes that the sheep are GONE once again.

She looks up the steep hill before her, her eyes climbing the dirt road. She looks back towards the house. It is the moment for decision. A wrong choice could be the difference between life and dea—I mean heat stroke and dead sheep. (Involuntary maniacal cackle at the bit about dead sheep comes from the author at this point.)

Dramatic 'get up and do something about it' music begins to play as the girl walks purposely towards the house. The door is slammed open, the enormous dog checked into a wall, a pair of car keys grabbed from a counter. A car engine starts. The girl with purple hair is seen pulling out of the driveway in a Purple Car™.

The car drives up the road. Music fades. The Purple Car clears the top of a steep hill…and there are the blasted sheep. With enormous eyes, they begin to run away from the vehicle, despite the fact that a moment earlier they were running towards it.

Must be the purple hair.

The girl swears and decides to back off. She shifts the car into reverse, and begins to back down the hill. Oh no! The car is heading for The Edge™! A twist of the steering wheel and she's back on course…and now it's a fence. The trip down the hill in reverse is a perilous one that tests the girl's driving skills. She emerges victorious and manages to turn around without hitting the fence. A squawk is heard and a chicken runs rather lopsidedly from under the car. The girl looks startled, then upset, and then amused. She laughs phsychotically while thinking about the word potato. The sun is getting to her.

Tired, hot, thirsty, and PISSED OFF, the girl with purple hair parks her car in the driveway rather then on a parkway. She goes into the house and changes into sneakers, thinking that they will be better for the hike ahead of her. She then begins to cross pastures, falling once and hurting her leg, climbing the steep hill and eventually reaching the fence that once climbed, is the road.

With new resolution she begins to walk back towards the house on the road…but sees no sign of the sheep. Could she have undershot? Are they above her on the confounded road?

It is then that we see them. All the way at the bottom of the hill. The girl with purple hair nearly breaks down. She sits down on the dirt road to have a conversation with God™. They discuss the pros and cons of his using The Hand of God to simply push the sheep through the goddamned gate. He thinks not. She argues the point. Half of the sheep at this point run through the gate. (I am not kidding. That is exactly what happened.)

The girl with purple hair sits in shock. Slowly she rises and begins to walk towards the other sheep. They continue to consume and ignore her. Or they don't realize that she is there.

Rocks are gathered from the side of the road. They fly through the air. The girl with purple hair wishes for a cannon. Or a tank. It is then that she begins to coax the remaining sheep along the road in an encouraging, patient voice.

In an encouraging patient voice™: All right sheepsheep, I'm thinking lamb. No, not the fluffy kind. The kind that's oven roasted. Tender. Good with garlic. I'm thinking kerosene, a barbecue. I'm thinking food sounds good right about now and I just might be looking at my lunch. That's right, head for the driveway. Good sheep. No no, you don't want to go that way. That way heads straight for the charcoal! Right, there ya go, you've got it now.

The girl with purple hair realizes that two of the sheep are veering from the intended path of travel. She decides that they can die for all she cares. She continues to benignly urge the gentle creatures along the road in the same loving voice.

In a loving voice™: What? You don't LIKE the sound of kerosene and garlic? Well, don't worry, you won't be alive to witness it. Yeah, I'm thinking about side dishes now. And desserts. Something that goes well with leg of lamb. No you bastard creatures, the PASTURE! We're going to the PASTURE! All RIGHT, I'm SORRY about the kerosene! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE JUST GO BEFORE I KILL MYSELF!

It is that this moment that the girl with purple hair begins to rant, but not rave. She eventually takes a bottomless, relaxing swallow of oxygen and doubles back around the sheep. They immediately run directly to the pasture.

The girl with purple hair sits down on the road once more and considers crying. Then she remembers that the gate is still open, and she moves faster then the speed of darkness to close it.


The girl with purple hair continued back to the house, finished her email, and then lay down on the floor to revive.

The sheep sat stupidly in the shade and wondered where the sun had been when it was cold.

The chicken returned to the pasture where it ate bugs, scratched in the dirt, and developed a formula to solve black holes.

The End