"Lea, I'm so sick and tired of your indecisiveness, I know you have Milo running round this town acting like a maniac, and why, because of you! Oh yeah and not to mention Justin who likes to think he has control over you. But in reality Lea you could make a choice, but instead you hide behind these sick ass notions that you are not sane. Lea, you want to know what I think, I think you're a hypochondriac. You think you have all these things wrong with you, but you are one of the sanest people I know! So go ahead fuck with me some more, hell I might even start to enjoy it!"

I don't even know what to say, I've been yelled at by guys twice this month. I almost expect Milo to come in here seething. But then again that is not how Milo is. I'd have to call someone quick who is completely on my side. Becky would have to be my shoulder to cry on. I guess I am making him madder by just staring at him with my mouth open deep in thought.

"Jared, I - I think that you all are wonderful guys and my intention was never to hurt any of you. But you have to understand, how I feel for a second. I have three guys that want to be with me, and the reality of the situation is: I have feelings for all of you. It's hard for me to decide, I really don't want to see any of you hurt. So I need some time to think, and even if this ends up with me not choosing anyone so be it. I just need you to understand that through your eyes it's easy, but through mine, I will end up with someone hating me in the end."

"Lea I understand that, but you shouldn't do this. This is not high school, you are an adult."

"I know good and well that I am an adult."

"Then you should understand that this phase you are going through is pointless."

"Look Jared, if you're going to patronize me, then get the hell out!"

"Fine then, have a good life with whoever you pick."

And that is it, Jared is, as I am thinking, going down the elevator. But his argument was extremely credible. I would have to choose and stop acting like I am a high school girl. I'll be 30 in 6 years, and I can't act like this forever.


Well I am off work just as disturbed as I was when I was sitting in my office thinking about what Justin's face will look like when I tell Justin he isn't the one I really want to be with at the moment. Jared was right Justin does seem to think he is in control of me and I hate that. He gets this look of jealousy when I talk to my neighbors, you know them being mostly men. But that's the only thing that really bothers me about him. I don't think Jared wants to care about me anymore. But I guess I'll never know until he cools off. Arriving at my apartment building, I slowly walk up the stairs. I used the stairs because I didn't feel like encountering anyone. But I'll never know who will be in my apartment, especially with that whole crow bar incident. It wouldn't be so bad if Milo came over, maybe even Jared. Hell, anyone other than Justin. Walking into my apartment door, I flop down on the couch. My eye lids are heavy with fatigue and stress. I'm not going to sleep yet, I think I'll go and turn on the stereo. One of my friends, Christine, made me a CD with some music that she used to listen to she says its good. I'm putting it on, and then I'm going to go and change into something more comfortable and have a date with Ben and Jerry.


Halfway into my pint the phone rings, I happen to be watching a heart warming movie which I find especially revolting, but the ice cream balances my distaste. The phone rings again. I don't want to pick it up, but what if its one of my friends and not either of them. By them I mean, Milo, Jared and Justin. I guess I should answer it.


"Hey, Lea."

"Uh, hi Milo."

"So, how are you?"

"Pretty down, why?"

"Oh, well I just wanted to know, I haven't talk to you in a while."

"Yeah that's true."

"So you think I could come over?"

"No, I don't think that's a good idea."

"Lea I know what you're thinking and I don't want to come over for anything sexual. You know me Lea I've never pressured you. I'm not going to start now."

"Yeah, I am kind of lonely here; Justin is out to dinner with a few friends."

"Why didn't you go with him?"

"I don't know, I kind of didn't want him over tonight."

"Oh, so can I be over there in 10 minutes?"

"I guess so."

"Alright, I'll see you in 10."

Milo is a little late, like 20 minutes late; I had already finished my ice cream, and curled up on my couch with a throw blanket. Flipping through the channels really doesn't pass the time. Where the hell is he, wait why am I freaking, it's not like I want him. But I would love to hug him again; I wish I was in high school again, when it was okay to be a timid little girl. Those days are over; I have to act like a grown woman, make choices, and be mature. Just as my lids started to fall and I was going to sleep the doorbell rang.

"Coming!" I got up and proceeded to the door.

Opening the door I see the tall strong figure that was Milo. He still makes my heart race; I think I am digressing in consciousness.

"Hey Lea I thought I should bring you something. So I got some roses and coffee."

Leave it to Milo to be unconventional. I looked up into his eyes; he had seemed to lose the sparkle in them that was so evident when he was in high school. I hadn't ever asked him about what he had been doing since high school. I guess he never brought it up.

"So Lea what have you been up to?"

"Nothing just drowning my sorrows in Ben and Jerry's."

"Oh," Milo said smiling halfway.

"Yeah," I said as an awkward silence cam over us.

"Lea I'll tell you why I came here. I came here to ask you if you would like to come away with me, we don't even have to be together. I just enjoy your company; just think about it, going from this drab New England town, to a red soiled desert that smells of fresh rain, and air that's crisp. I'll write you poetry and I'll read to you while we lay next to each other under the stars. Then we can live out in Colorado in a two story cabin I designed myself. That is if you choose to marry and live with me. But I won't put any pressure on you because I know you have enough of that, I'll be out of town in a few days, I'll visit you frequently if you want me to or you can come with me. It's solely your choice."

Aching, I feel an aching within myself. I was ready to go get my bag and pack it, get all the money out the bank and go with him. But I knew I would hurt Justin, but at the same time, I am yearning for someone like Milo. Milo had never done anything but kiss me, yet that still sent me into a strange feeling of extreme fulfillment. Milo's face is darkening with disappointment every second I am silent. I truly don't know what to say to him. If I said something right away I might blurt out that I love him, but then isn't that what I want him to hear? Why am I doubting myself, make your damn choice Lea, you're an adult!