Dear You,
Where to start? I don't know how I'm gonna write this if
I can't even say it to your face, but notes have always been my
thing. I want to cry thinking about this whole situation, not because
I'm sad or angry, but because I'm confused. I'm in a situation I've
never been before and the person I'd feel most comfortable talking to
it about is you.
I figure this note is just going to be a whole bunch of questions
neither of us can answer. I listen to them stir in my head at least once
a day, and yet I've never come up with an answer for them. I fell for you
hard, and now it's seems like I can't pull myself up.
I praise you to all my friends, and can't help but smile when your
name is brought up. I let people tell me I'm stupid for letting you have
this control, and yeah I know it is. I know it's unhealthy, I know I'm not
getting ANYTHING out of it, and I know you probably don't care. But I can't
help but melt when you look at me and smile.
Now I sit here crying, knowing how wrong all this shit is. I've
been told it by many people and my head screams it at me all the time.
But my heart says give you another chance, push a little harder to see
if something might come out of it. So I keep trying, ignoring my friends,
and head. I keep trying to make you see me in a different light.
You pull at my heartstrings like a puppeteer does a marionette.
You pull me closer and I follow. You push me away and I back away. All
in the effort to make you happy. Why?
It doesn't make any sense to me either.
So I listen to people talk, and I soak up all their
advice. But something pushes it to the side and pulls up a
good to block every bad.
The way you make me feel important, like I'm more then just
me. I'm special. The way you smile at things (or in some instances
the lack of your smile just to get your point across). The way you
give everyone a chance. You don't judge or label someone until you
know him or her. How wonderful you make people feel when you give
them a hug. You know how to calm someone down, or let them know you
care just by looking at them. I see it in everyone. And no matter
how much a person may not like you, they know you'll listen if they
have a problem.
The way you think is amazing. You open your mind to so much
and then share is with everyone you possibly can. It's really
unbelievable.
So why can I write this all down and not tell you to your face?
Why can I pretend to be happy around you when most of the time I want to
break down and cry because I can't figure you out.
You are an amazing friend. One I'll never forget. It's the
thought of losing that, which really scares me from saying anything.
I'm not ready to NOT have you to turn to, or to run to when I need
someone to hug. I'm not ready right now to let you go. And the scary
thing is, I have no control over any of that.
You could walk away right now, and I'd never tell you how I feel.
I'm too afraid of how you might react. You could leave town, move away
and I'd smile, hug you goodbye and ask you to write. I know that doesn't
make me a very good friend, but what else should I do? Cry? You hate it
when I do.
I went out for coffee today. He was so sweet and he had a
wonderful smile. But after I gave him my number and hugged him goodbye
I thought of you. And how I couldn't let myself get close to him, if I
wasn't over you. But how do I do that?
How do I push you away to a point where I can look at you
and not wish that you'd pull me into hug without me having to ask?
I know you aren't that type of person, I know you're busy, and I
know you have other priorities. I KNOW ALL THAT!
How the hell do I get over you?
Do I ask you to push me away? But I have so much fun when we
are together. I'm happy. Do you know how long it's been since I was
HAPPY? Yeah I might smile all the time, and yeah I laugh a lot. You
ever wonder why some days I just cry? Why some days I can't look you
in the face?
I don't want you to see that ugly person. The unhappy one,
scarred by her childhood, the one who doesn't smile and doesn't laugh.
I've pushed her away, far down where I hope she disappears. I'm not like
you; I can't let go of it. I've tried, but I can't. I don't have the
support behind me; I don't have friends who understand. I've surrounded
myself with people who have happy lives. Who haven't been through what
I have. People who smile and laugh all the time.
When I'm with you, I'm happy. I'm actually happy. And maybe
part of the reason I can't let you go is because of that. No one has
made me happy like you do. I'm scared that no one else will. If I
push you away, I have to go back to being fake and I don't want that.
How do I get over you? How do I push you away from that part
of my heart and just be friends? Please tell me how without breaking
me in the process. I wish it wasn't so impossible.
Well I've rambled on for long enough. I was going to
write "sorry" but I can't apologize for my feelings.
Love always,
me
Where to start? I don't know how I'm gonna write this if
I can't even say it to your face, but notes have always been my
thing. I want to cry thinking about this whole situation, not because
I'm sad or angry, but because I'm confused. I'm in a situation I've
never been before and the person I'd feel most comfortable talking to
it about is you.
I figure this note is just going to be a whole bunch of questions
neither of us can answer. I listen to them stir in my head at least once
a day, and yet I've never come up with an answer for them. I fell for you
hard, and now it's seems like I can't pull myself up.
I praise you to all my friends, and can't help but smile when your
name is brought up. I let people tell me I'm stupid for letting you have
this control, and yeah I know it is. I know it's unhealthy, I know I'm not
getting ANYTHING out of it, and I know you probably don't care. But I can't
help but melt when you look at me and smile.
Now I sit here crying, knowing how wrong all this shit is. I've
been told it by many people and my head screams it at me all the time.
But my heart says give you another chance, push a little harder to see
if something might come out of it. So I keep trying, ignoring my friends,
and head. I keep trying to make you see me in a different light.
You pull at my heartstrings like a puppeteer does a marionette.
You pull me closer and I follow. You push me away and I back away. All
in the effort to make you happy. Why?
It doesn't make any sense to me either.
So I listen to people talk, and I soak up all their
advice. But something pushes it to the side and pulls up a
good to block every bad.
The way you make me feel important, like I'm more then just
me. I'm special. The way you smile at things (or in some instances
the lack of your smile just to get your point across). The way you
give everyone a chance. You don't judge or label someone until you
know him or her. How wonderful you make people feel when you give
them a hug. You know how to calm someone down, or let them know you
care just by looking at them. I see it in everyone. And no matter
how much a person may not like you, they know you'll listen if they
have a problem.
The way you think is amazing. You open your mind to so much
and then share is with everyone you possibly can. It's really
unbelievable.
So why can I write this all down and not tell you to your face?
Why can I pretend to be happy around you when most of the time I want to
break down and cry because I can't figure you out.
You are an amazing friend. One I'll never forget. It's the
thought of losing that, which really scares me from saying anything.
I'm not ready to NOT have you to turn to, or to run to when I need
someone to hug. I'm not ready right now to let you go. And the scary
thing is, I have no control over any of that.
You could walk away right now, and I'd never tell you how I feel.
I'm too afraid of how you might react. You could leave town, move away
and I'd smile, hug you goodbye and ask you to write. I know that doesn't
make me a very good friend, but what else should I do? Cry? You hate it
when I do.
I went out for coffee today. He was so sweet and he had a
wonderful smile. But after I gave him my number and hugged him goodbye
I thought of you. And how I couldn't let myself get close to him, if I
wasn't over you. But how do I do that?
How do I push you away to a point where I can look at you
and not wish that you'd pull me into hug without me having to ask?
I know you aren't that type of person, I know you're busy, and I
know you have other priorities. I KNOW ALL THAT!
How the hell do I get over you?
Do I ask you to push me away? But I have so much fun when we
are together. I'm happy. Do you know how long it's been since I was
HAPPY? Yeah I might smile all the time, and yeah I laugh a lot. You
ever wonder why some days I just cry? Why some days I can't look you
in the face?
I don't want you to see that ugly person. The unhappy one,
scarred by her childhood, the one who doesn't smile and doesn't laugh.
I've pushed her away, far down where I hope she disappears. I'm not like
you; I can't let go of it. I've tried, but I can't. I don't have the
support behind me; I don't have friends who understand. I've surrounded
myself with people who have happy lives. Who haven't been through what
I have. People who smile and laugh all the time.
When I'm with you, I'm happy. I'm actually happy. And maybe
part of the reason I can't let you go is because of that. No one has
made me happy like you do. I'm scared that no one else will. If I
push you away, I have to go back to being fake and I don't want that.
How do I get over you? How do I push you away from that part
of my heart and just be friends? Please tell me how without breaking
me in the process. I wish it wasn't so impossible.
Well I've rambled on for long enough. I was going to
write "sorry" but I can't apologize for my feelings.
Love always,
me