This was induced by a battle with my father, a battle with the guy who owns the karate school I work at and a battle with myself. I have a really bad problem of bottling things up inside of me to the point where I cant hold a normal conversation with out crying my eyes out. It sucks, I know. And the other night, I just flipped out, stormed in to my room and slammed the door shut, putting Tori Amos and breaking down in a  heap of sobs and difficult gasps.

I am naturally pessimistic about my self, and I am self conscious around those I know, people I don't know I could care less about, but the acceptance of those around me means a lot. So every time I would calm down I would get another wonderfully cynical thought in my mind and go back to crying again…

I couldn't write anything for "It's written in the stars" (which will be named Strange Little Girl) or for "Love is a Battlefield" (the sequel) so I ranted and raved on my dead journal ( and after I was done I looked back at it an realized I had written something in poem like free verse form… so here it is…

Be gentle if you review… or you can rip me apart it's up to you.

"I Don't Hate My Life"

I hate myself

I wasn't made for this life, I'm telling you this is gods way of punishing me from a past life and if I find out what I did... I'll dig that person's grave up and burn them then kill their kin... but I Don't hate my life

I hate myself

I will never be good enough for my father. My father wants a Mary fucking sue for a daughter, that way he can tell all of his brokers and clients at work that his daughter is perfect. She is good at everything she does. She's pretty, smart, popular and well dressed. She never answers back, always does her homework, she is mature enough to have her permit when she turns sixteen, and she's responsible enough to get her license... she's going to be accepted in to any college she wants because she is so smart, have all A's in honor and AP classes and she has a 4.0 GPA and she has a set future with a good job offering because she is so damn PERFECT. But I don't hate my life

I hate myself

I will never be able to amount to anything in martial arts. Aggression gets you no where. I'm not flexible, I'm not fast and I'm not strong. I cant kick over my head, I cant touch my toes and I am absolutely horrible at the broad sword, but I am horrible at everything else I do to so there is no worth even trying anymore. I have no endurance, no flexibility and no natural talent. I am just a cynical bitch with a pessimistic attitude who cant do anything right. I just take up oxygen that people better than me could be breathing. but I don't hate my life

I hate myself

I don't even know why I still write. I am absolutely horrible at it and I know my father doesn't approve of it because I don't have a career in store for me. I'll be stuck in the streets with my other artists while my father sits at home, dreaming about his perfect fucking daughter and all the chances she could have had but he was stuck with me. The useless fat piece of shit that is incapable of making him happy. but I don't hate my life

I hate myself

I will always be the strange fuck up in the family
the one who did everything wrong
that one who had her head in the clouds
the one who lived a life within the prison walls of her mind
the one who hated reality
the one loved hurting herself
the one who was reassured by the site of blood to know she was still alive
the one who was asexual because she was so damn scared of comfort but I don't hate my life

I hate myself

so damn scared she'd fuck up again
so damn scared she'd hurt herself again
so damn scared that she'd say something wrong
so damn scared that she'd die the next day and not have the chance to prove herself
so damn scared that she'd be relieved if she did die
so damn scared that some one might care
so damn scared that she'd learn how to love and how to feel
so damn scared she'd start crying again
so damn scared she would be able to stop
so damn scared that she'll do something stupid again

I'm so damn scared that I am the one who hates her self

but that's the way it is

but I don't hate my life
I hate myself