TP003

By Tara Nicole walker

9.3.2002

Swimming in a sea of cool pain

No longer hiding

No longer feeling anything

But a hollow ache

Knowing that where I am

Is where

I deserve

To be

Not looking for

Or even wanting

An excuse

Or scapegoat

The wonder of words

Enraptures me

The celestial beauty of art

Fills my soul

To it's brim

And beyond

But what was once

The unfathomable wonder of light and life

Have seemed to have fallen back

Into the recesses of

Imagination

The shocking beauty

Of love

Is now gone

And no longer

Sought after

I chase after my mind

And the train

Of my thoughts

Attempting to capture

What was once there

And bind them

Into the earthly inventions

Of ink and paper

For someone

Yet no one

Else to find

And discover

Themselves

Within the words

That have been imbedded

Into the unwilling memory

Of this cruel world

My soul aches

Searching for something

Of meaning

Something worth

Something past the bottle

That holds regret

Yet helps to forget

Past the wisps

Of sweet smoke

That fills us with a state

Of retraction

From life

Looking for something more

That just isn't

There

I reach out

For arms to hold me

For fingers to trace

The delicate lines

Of my body

For skin against skin

For a tongue

To carress my body

To make my skin tingle

To make me shiver

As it dearches out

And caresses

The inner recesses

Of my body

Hands to hold

And squeeze me

Lifps that hold mein

A body that melts

Into my own

Until we are the same

Hands running through my hair

Nails that scrape

Against my scalp

And dig into the skin

Of my back and thighs

I strive for something

To cause me to feel

Real

And complete

True

And genuine

But my searching hands

Grasp nothing

When can I win?

Because I'm losing at life

Again

Filling my system with

Alcohol

To drown out the pain

That I cause myself

As I write this

I want to forget

And yet dwell

On what I need

Every second

Of every day

Like an addiction

With no rehab

I am a ship with

No sail

I am a belt

With no gun

I am a life

Without

A soul

My head pounds

And needles

Dig into my skin

As I fill my

Glass yet

Again…