TP003
By Tara Nicole walker
9.3.2002
Swimming in a sea of cool pain
No longer hiding
No longer feeling anything
But a hollow ache
Knowing that where I am
Is where
I deserve
To be
Not looking for
Or even wanting
An excuse
Or scapegoat
The wonder of words
Enraptures me
The celestial beauty of art
Fills my soul
To it's brim
And beyond
But what was once
The unfathomable wonder of light and life
Have seemed to have fallen back
Into the recesses of
Imagination
The shocking beauty
Of love
Is now gone
And no longer
Sought after
I chase after my mind
And the train
Of my thoughts
Attempting to capture
What was once there
And bind them
Into the earthly inventions
Of ink and paper
For someone
Yet no one
Else to find
And discover
Themselves
Within the words
That have been imbedded
Into the unwilling memory
Of this cruel world
My soul aches
Searching for something
Of meaning
Something worth
Something past the bottle
That holds regret
Yet helps to forget
Past the wisps
Of sweet smoke
That fills us with a state
Of retraction
From life
Looking for something more
That just isn't
There
I reach out
For arms to hold me
For fingers to trace
The delicate lines
Of my body
For skin against skin
For a tongue
To carress my body
To make my skin tingle
To make me shiver
As it dearches out
And caresses
The inner recesses
Of my body
Hands to hold
And squeeze me
Lifps that hold mein
A body that melts
Into my own
Until we are the same
Hands running through my hair
Nails that scrape
Against my scalp
And dig into the skin
Of my back and thighs
I strive for something
To cause me to feel
Real
And complete
True
And genuine
But my searching hands
Grasp nothing
When can I win?
Because I'm losing at life
Again
Filling my system with
Alcohol
To drown out the pain
That I cause myself
As I write this
I want to forget
And yet dwell
On what I need
Every second
Of every day
Like an addiction
With no rehab
I am a ship with
No sail
I am a belt
With no gun
I am a life
Without
A soul
My head pounds
And needles
Dig into my skin
As I fill my
Glass yet
Again…