Elvis: The Interview

By Ron Rimshot

Of course we all have heard that Elvis never really died and I'm here to tell you he didn't. How do I know? You ask. Because I, Ron Rimshot spotted him working as a shoe salesman in Omaha. He granted the interview I'm about to share with you, but would not allow his picture to be published. (He's gained a good 80 lbs or so to all you who are wondering though.) Well, here goes, my complete word-for-word interview with The King.

R: Elvis! I thought that was you! Pretty clever to be wearing "Marty" on your nametag and dyeing your hair red. No one would ever recognize you. Can I pretty, please interview you?

E: Huh? Oh… Elvis. You know son, you're the first person who's ever recognized me. I can't believe you saw right through that Marty act.

R: Goody! Let's see. Why did you fake your own death?

E: Oh, I didn't fake it. I really tried to kill myself. It didn't work, though. I'd just heard some depressing news.

R: What was the news?

E: It was silly really. Some friend had just had a dream that little Lisa-Marie would marry a wimpy little twerp some day.

R: Weren't you devastated when that really happened?

E: It really happened? Man, you're lying to me, man.

R: You haven't heard about her and Michael Jackson? Where you been? The North Pole?

E: No, Omaha.

R: What's your first reaction to the news, then?

E: I didn't know my baby was a lesbian.

R: El, El. Michael Jackson's not a woman.

E: She's not?

R: Believe me. Neither sex wants to claim him. Uh, let's move on to another topic. How do you feel about the music scene today?

E: It's different man. John Lennon and I were just discussing it last week…

R: John Lennon! He's in Omaha too?

E: Oh, no. It was a long distance call. He's in Portland.

R: How's he keeping busy?

E: I heard he was waiting for the right reporter to do an interview on him.

R: Really? I gotta go. Oh… one more thing, how much does a ticket to Oregon cost?

So, there you have it – The Elvis Interview.

Be sure to join me next month for


(I found him making shakes at McDonald's)