Devoid Of Life

My life seems to be failure after failure,

I cannot turn to those who trust me because I do not trust them,

I am paranoid of everyone and everything,

I have to check twenty times before I can tell myself I have locked something, or shut something,

Compulsive Obsessive disorder is what that is called,

It is only a part of what I am,

What I have become,

There is nothing to fear from a knife,

It gives me release when I need it,

The adrenaline rush is immense and I love it,

I love the pain, I love knowing what I can do to myself,

I love thinking that it is what I deserve,

I hate the constant reminder that I cannot live a normal life,

People avoid me once I have told them what I have,

I do not blame them, it is sometimes unable to comprehend,

Even for myself,

The people I see have no remorse, regret or guilt,

They act without fear or mercy,

I sometimes wish that I could be one of them,

Devoid of life, uncaring of my emotions,

Then I realise,

That is what I am.

A/N:  What do you think the illness is?