THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
 Episode 1.01 - "REVENGE IS SWEET"
 Written by Jason Gaston
 Based on the Script by Jason Gaston

 INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT

 The apartment is bare as LIAM, DONNER, and MISTER HILTER
 enter. Liam is holding a hamster cage inside which, we see
 FLUFFY THE HAMSTER.

 HILTER
 No large pets, no loud noise, no
 wild orgies unless I'm invited and,
 finally, no watching Suddenly
 Susan.

 LIAM
 Are the walls so thin that the
 sound travels through them?

 HILTER
 No, Liam... I just hate that show.

 LIAM
 I understand, Mister Hitler.

 HILTER
 Hil-ter, Liam... Mister Hil-ter. 
 Hilter was the scourge of Europe in
 the 30's and 40's whereas I will
 only be the scourge of you and the
 little world that you live in.

 LIAM
 I understand.

 HILTER
 I doubt that, but okay...

 Mister Hilter exits. Liam sets the cage down and, strangely,
 the hamster appears to give him the finger.

 DONNER
 So, Liam... What do you think of
 Las Vegas so far?

 LIAM
 It's hot, it's loud, it's tacky,
 and it's just a glorified tourist
 trap built on the bodies of the
 victims of the mafia.

 DONNER
 Great, ain't it?

 LIAM
 Look, I really could have never
 moved here if you hadn't floated me
 the loan.

 DONNER
 Yeah, yeah, yeah...

 LIAM
 I mean, don't take this the wrong
 way, Donner... But I've heard
 things about you.

 DONNER
 Look, if this is about the time at
 Michael Jackson's with the bones of
 the elephant man in the hyperbolic
 chamber, it was my first time on
 ecstasy!

 LIAM
 No, not that... I mean, I've always
 heard that you, the head of Donco
 industries, was always kind of a
 tightwad.

 DONNER
 A tightwad?

 LIAM
 Yeah... I mean, the common joke is
 that your so tight, if you shoved a
 hunk of coal up your ass you'd get
 a diamond in three weeks. 

 Donner writes that down.

 DONNER
 Three weeks you say?
 (a Beat)
 Well, to be honest I'm a rich man,
 Liam... And I love money. Money is
 what powers the world and, most
 importantly, makes we attractive to
 big busty women.

 LIAM
 Then why did you give me the loan?

 DONNER
 I didn't... It was a clerical error
 or something. I'm just too damn
 lazy to fix the paperwork. 
 Besides, what's a couple of
 thousand to a billionaire such as
 myself. Does that make you
 jealous?

 LIAM
 Kind of.

 DONNER
 Then I have done my job well... 
 Good day, Liam and WELCOME TO LAS
 VEGAS!

 Donner dramatically exits.

 LIAM
 He seems nice.

 Liam opens his window revealing the city of Las Vegas. ZZ
 Top's 'Viva Las Vegas' begins to play.

 LIAM
 Cooooooooool.

 There is a knock at the door.

 LIAM
 Gee, I wonder who that could be?

 Liam goes to the door and opens it revealing a large black
 sinister shadow in the doorway.

 LIAM
 Ah, I see... Big city lesson number
 one, always look through the
 peephole before you answer the
 door.

 A giant club knocks Liam in the head. Liam goes down. A
 hand grabs Liam by the hair on his head and drags him out the
 door. The camera moves to include the cage of Fluffy as the
 door slams. Fluffy seems to smile as we...

 FADE OUT:

 ---
 Meet Liam who's walking on thin ice,
 He wrote a show that wasn't nice,
 But now I'm going to make him pay,
 He'll be broke down, he'll rue the day,
 Cause he pissed me off...
 Oh, He's Liiiiiiam!
 He's very Liam, and he'll see...
 That he shouldn't mess...
 With...
 Meeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
 Olé!
 ---
 THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

 STARRING

 Dian Bachar
 As
 "LIAM SMITH"

 And
 Ed Asner
 As
 "MISTER HILTER"

 ALSO STARRING

 Jason Gaston
 As
 "DONNER"

 RuPaul
 As
 "CHOCOLATE TREAT"

 And
 John Goodman
 As
 "ELVIS"

 GUEST STARRING

 Siegfried and Roy

 And
 Ginger Spice
 As
 "SPICEZILLA"


 INT. A CHAMBER OF TORTURE

 Liam is chained up as the camera starts to zoom back. He has
 been striped to his boxers and is chained to a bare brick
 wall as whips, tooth screws, and various other implements of
 torture are littered around the room.

 LIAM
 Well...
 (a beat)
 Uh-huh...

 A shadow overtakes him.

 VOICE
 LIAM SMITH! I HAVE BEEN WATCHING
 YOU!

 LIAM
 Oh, isn't that nice?

 VOICE
 PREPARE FOR A NEW LIFE OF PAIN!

 LIAM
 Do I have to? I mean, I just
 graduated high school and took a
 year of technical school and I...
 (beat)
 Wait a minute... Why are you tied
 up and who am I?

 VOICE
 DON'T YOU MEAN, WHY ARE YOU TIED UP
 AND WHO AM I?

 LIAM
 Duh... That's what I said.

 VOICE
 BUT YOU...? OH, FORGET IT.

 LIAM
 Look, can you let me go now? I
 mean this is really starting to
 creep me out.

 VOICE
 WHAT? YOU MEAN YOU ARE NOT EXCITED
 OR TURNED ON?

 LIAM
 (scoffs)
 Tuh... No.

 VOICE
 DAMN... HOLD ON JUST A SECOND.

 The light is turned on revealing CHOCOLATE TREAT, an
 amazonian hooker.

 CHOCOLATE TREAT
 That always worked with Jean Claude
 Van Damme.

 LIAM
 Hey, you're a...
 (a beat)
 Wo...
 (a beat)
 A ma...
 (a beat)
 A bo...
 (a beat)
 A gir...
 (a beat)
 You're a...?
 (a beat)
 What the hell are you?

 CHOCOLATE TREAT
 I have been known by many names...
 The desired, the temptress, the
 sexorcizor! To you, I shall be
 known as CHOCOLATE TREAT!

 Lightning flash.

 LIAM
 W-What are you going to do to me?

 CHOCOLATE TREAT
 I'm going to make you suffer a fate
 worse than death... A horror so
 imaginable that men go mad from the
 mere mention of it!

 LIAM
 Huh?

 CHOCOLATE TREAT
 I'm going to have SEX WITH YOU!!!

 LIAM
 NOOOOOOO!!!

 Lightning flash.

 INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT

 Mister Hilter is standing in the middle of the room when
 Donner enters.

 DONNER
 Oh, by the way, Liam I...

 HILTER
 Liam's gone.

 DONNER
 Gone?

 HILTER
 No, gone.

 DONNER
 What do you mean? Did he go out of
 lunch, to the store, to the
 casinos, to the...?

 HILTER
 He was kidnapped.

 DONNER
 Kidnapped?

 HILTER
 No, kidnapped.

 DONNER
 By who?

 HILTER
 Whom.

 DONNER
 Whom?

 HILTER
 I don't know, yet... But I did find
 these clues.

 Hilter and Donner walk over to a large table.

 DONNER
 Where did this table come from?

 HILTER
 Trust me, it's a story so horrible
 that to tell you would mean that
 you would go mad and wouldn't sleep
 for a week! Kid, you don't want to
 know.

 DONNER
 Uh-huh.

 HILTER
 Observe.

 Donner looks confused.

 HILTER
 Look.

 DONNER
 Oh.

 HILTER
 Here we have a blonde wig, a bottle
 of fire engine red lipstick, and
 green Lee Press-On Nails.

 DONNER
 Why, those are favored by hookers.
 (a beat)
 So I hear.

 HILTER
 A hooker... We only have one
 hooker in the building, a possible
 transvestite named Chocolate Treat.

 DONNER
 So what does that mean, Mister
 Hitler?

 HILTER
 Hil-ter, Donner. HILL-TUR!!!
 (a beat)
 My God... If what I have suspected
 these last few years is true, then
 Liam is in great danger!

 DONNER
 He is? Why!?

 HILTER
 I can't tell you now! Come with
 me!

 Hilter runs out the door.

 DONNER
 You can't TELL ME!? What are you
 trying to do? Build suspense?

 HILTER
 (off screen)
 NOW!

 DONNER
 Nah!

 Donner runs after him.

 INT. A CHAMBER OF TORTURE

 Chocolate Treat looms over Liam.

 CHOCOLATE TREAT
 Prepare yourself for the ultimate
 lay!

 LIAM
 GAH! Wait... My life is flashing
 before my eyes!

 RIPPLE DISSOLVE
 TO:

 INT. A BEDROOM

 Liam is dancing alone with a teddy bear.

 RIPPLE DISSOLVE
 TO:

 INT. A CHAMBER OF TORTURE

 As before.

 LIAM
 Ah, prom night.

 CHOCOLATE TREAT
 Are you done?

 LIAM
 Uh... Would it matter if I wasn't?

 CHOCOLATE TREAT
 No.

 LIAM
 Then I'm done.

 Chocolate Treat advances on Liam when all of the sudden,
 Mister Hilter and Donner break down the door.

 HILTER
 HARLOT! TEMPTRESS! Your time is
 nigh!

 DONNER
 Yeah! All that crap he just said!

 CHOCOLATE TREAT
 Fools! You are no match for my
 sexual prowess and siren-like draw!

 HILTER
 Oh, yes we are, Chocolate Treat! I
 know about you! I know ALL about
 you!

 CHOCOLATE TREAT
 In that case, I shall have to KILL
 YOU!!! HA! HA! HA! HA!

 Chocolate Treat leaps towards Hilter who stops her in midair
 with a small wooden cross.

 CHOCOLATE TREAT
 GAH, MY EYES!

 LIAM
 What, is she a vampire? Is the
 cross too pure for her to look at?

 HILTER
 No, I just had it laminated. 
 Donner, quick! Give me the sacred
 tome!

 DONNER
 The what?

 HILTER
 Time Life Mysteries of the Unknown,
 Volume Fourteen.

 Donner looks in the bag

 DONNER
 The Riddle of the Bermuda Triangle?

 HILTER
 No, Fourteen! Fourteen!

 DONNER
 (looks)
 The Enigma of Area 51?

 Chocolate Treat grabs Mister Hilter and begins to throttle
 him.

 HILTER
 GAK! GEK GAH GRIGHT GOK!

 DONNER
 What?

 HILTER
 GOOL GUH GORE GEEN!

 DONNER
 I can't understand you!

 LIAM
 I think he said, "Cool the door
 beam."

 DONNER
 With what? Like ice or something?

 Mister Hilter rolls his eyes and resorts to charades.

 LIAM
 Ooo! Ooo! First word!

 DONNER
 I hate this game.

 LIAM
 Sounds like...

 Hilter makes knitting motions.

 DONNER
 Crochet!

 LIAM
 Sew!

 DONNER
 Needle and thread!

 LIAM
 Macramé!

 DONNER
 Knit?

 Hilter gives an affirmative signal.

 LIAM
 Bit, hit, zit, fit, get...

 Hilter nods frantically.

 DONNER
 Get?

 LIAM
 All right, second word!

 DONNER
 Sounds like... Oh, look! Couldn't
 we just play Pictionary?

 Donner hands Hilter a magic marker. Hitler writes "GET THE
 DAMN BOOK, VOLUME 14" across Chocolate Treats face.

 DONNER
 See, now how would you have
 signaled "volume" in charades?

 LIAM
 Donner, I think he wants volume 14
 of his Time Life Books.

 DONNER
 Oh, that?

 Donner digs through the pack as Hilter gasps for breath.

 DONNER
 Lets see, "UFO and Aliens", "The
 Secrets of Atlantis", "Why Are Hot
 Dog Buns Sold in Packs of Six While
 Hot Dog Wieners Are Sold in Packs
 of Eight"... AH! Here we go,
 Volume 14 "Spells and
 Incantations".

 Donner flips through the book.

 DONNER
 Which one?

 Hilter scribbles a note on Chocolate Treat's breasts that
 says "PAGE 45!"

 DONNER
 Okay...
 (he finds it)
 Ah, here we are. I guess you want
 me to read it, right?

 Hilter weakly nods.

 DONNER
 Very well. "Ping drobba fit-fit
 fit ingilwarp carcinoma".

 Nothing happens.

 DONNER
 Maybe you should look into a
 refund?
 (he reads some more)
 Oh, here's the catch... This spell
 has to be read by a virgin or an
 elder. Where am I going to find
 either one of those?

 Liam sighs

 LIAM
 Bring it here.

 DONNER
 But Liam, YOU'RE not an elder.

 Liam is silent

 DONNER
 What are you trying to say, Liam?

 LIAM
 I'm a... 

 DONNER
 You're a what?

 LIAM
 (mumbles)
 ...virgin.

 DONNER
 I didn't quite catch that.

 LIAM
 I'M A VIRGIN!!!

 CUT TO:

 A newspaper flies up to the camera with the headline "NEW KID
 IN TOWN A VIRGIN!" and "LOCAL MAN SETS NEW RECORD FOR LONGEST
 TIME WITHOUT OXYGEN"

 CUT TO:

 INT. A CHAMBER OF TORTURE

 As before.

 DONNER
 Oh, you're a VIRGIN! Well, why
 didn't you say so? Here... Read
 this spell.

 Donner shows Liam the book. Liam reads.

 LIAM
 Ping drobba fit-fit-fit ingilwarp
 carcinoma.

 Chocolate Treat releases Mister Hilter who immediately begins
 to suck in as much oxygen as he can.

 HILTER
 AIR! PRECIOUS DELICIOUS AIR!

 CHOCOLATE TREAT
 WHAT THE... NO!!!

 Chocolate Treat begins to glow and seems to explode with
 power. As the light fades, she falls to the floor. Mister
 Hilter catches her.

 DONNER
 All right! Let's kill her!

 He prepares to beat her head in with a rock, but Hilter stops
 him.

 HILTER
 No! We can't take retribution to
 this poor woman... Or whatever
 because she was only an unwilling
 host to the evil.
 (a pause)
 Donner, come here.

 DONNER
 Yo?

 Mister Hilter smacks him in the face.

 DONNER
 Ow! What was that for?

 HILTER
 If you have to ask, you'll never
 know!

 Liam walks into frame.

 LIAM
 So, you're saying that Chocolate
 Treat was possessed by some kind of
 demon?

 HILTER
 More than one, actually, I've
 suspected it for some time now
 and...
 (a beat)
 Wait a minute... How did you get
 out of your chains?

 LIAM
 I...
 (a blank look)
 Huh?

 HILTER
 Nevermind. Regardless, we aren't
 out of danger yet.

 DONNER
 We're not?

 HILTER
 No... Now that the evil is loose,
 there's no telling what it can do!

 Chocolate Treat stirs.

 HILTER
 Whoa, take it easy there, sir... I
 Mean, ma'am... I mean... Uh... Take
 it easy.

 CHOCOLATE TREAT
 Oh, my... My... My... You got those
 horrible demon thingies out of me,
 didn't you?

 DONNER
 Actually, it was Liam, the virgin. 
 That Liam right there. He's a
 virgin, you know.

 Suddenly, three demons appear in the room. ZORN, GRAK, And
 RHIBINUIKOS.

 ZORN
 I AM ZORN, THE UNSPEAKABLE!

 GRAK
 I AM GRAK, THE UNMERCIFUL!

 RHIBINUIKOS
 AND I AM RHIBINUIKOS, THE
 UNPRONOUNCEABLE!

 ZORN
 TOGETHER, WE ARE...

 ALL DEMONS
 LEGION!

 CHOCOLATE TREAT
 You're the bastards that've been
 possessing my bodacious body? Oo,
 that just makes me hot under the
 collar!

 ZORN
 We have been angered!

 GRAK
 And because of that, we will
 destroy the surface world!

 RHIBINUIKOS
 Choose.

 LIAM
 Bless you.

 RHIBINUIKOS
 No, idiot! Choose the destroyer!

 LIAM
 Huh?

 CHOCOLATE TREAT
 Oh, I get it! This is like
 Ghostbusters where Zool came out
 and told the Ghostbusters to choose
 the form of their destructor and
 they chose the Stay Puft
 Marshmallow man!

 HILTER
 Of course! Everyone clear your
 thoughts! If we clear our
 thoughts, then...

 ZORN
 The destructor has been chosen!

 HILTER
 What?

 DONNER
 Oops.

 HILTER
 Donner!

 DONNER
 Sorry.

 The demons vanish. There is a commotion outside. Everyone
 rushes to the door.

 HILTER
 Oh my God!

 DONNER
 It can't be!

 CHOCOLATE TREAT
 It's...

 LIAM
 SPICEZILLA!

 EXT. LAS VEGAS

 A hundred foot tall GINGER SPICE is destroying all of Las
 Vegas.

 INT. A CHAMBER OF TORTURE

 As before.

 DONNER
 Don't look at me like that! You
 try to get that damn "Wannabe" song
 out of YOUR head.

 HILTER
 Sh*t!

 EXT. LAS VEGAS

 Spicezilla continues her rampage through the city. First,
 she topples the Stratosphere, she burns the Westward Ho, and
 smashes the Silver Dollar. Dozens of geeks flee the Hilton
 as she steps on The Star Trek Experience.

 EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS

 Hilter, Liam, Donner, and Chocolate Treat rush out into the
 parking lot where they meet ELVIS.

 ELVIS
 What the hell's going on out here? 
 It's as if someone has conjured up
 a hundred foot monster in the image
 of Ginger Spice!

 DONNER
 Yeah, that was my bad, Elvis...
 Sorry.

 HILTER
 Elvis, what are you doing out here?

 ELVIS
 Eh, I just presided over a gay
 wedding.

 LIAM
 A gay wedding? I didn't think that
 was legal here!

 ELVIS
 It's not, but as long as they pay,
 I ain't gonna make waves.

 Siegfried and Roy skip by holding hands.

 LIAM
 Well, what are we going to do about
 Spicezilla?

 HILTER
 Well, she's too powerful for us to
 stop alone... We have to call...
 HIM!

 LIAM
 Him, who?

 HILTER
 I speak of the mighty one... The
 hero of heroes, the man with
 gigantic gargantuan muscles... The
 mightiest man in the universe!

 DONNER
 (sigh)
 I'll call him.

 He gets a cell phone and begins to dial.

 DONNER
 1-800-CAPEMAN

 LIAM
 Who the hell is Capeman?

 CHOCOLATE TREAT
 What do you mean, who is Capeman? 
 Honey, Capeman is only the resident
 superhero of Las Vegas! He fought
 the hounds of Cerebus! He fended
 off the invaders from Uranus!

 DONNER
 (puts phone away)
 He's on his way. Excuse me... I've
 got to pee.

 Donner runs away.

 CHOCOLATE TREAT
 Donner's leaving? Isn't that odd?

 HILTER
 That's because he is Capeman.

 CHOCOLATE TREAT
 Get out!

 HILTER
 It's true! This whole billionaire
 playboy thing is all an act... Like
 Bruce Wayne.

 ELVIS
 Bruce Wayne?

 HILTER
 He's Batman.

 LIAM
 Oh, come on! Bruce Wayne is NOT
 Batman!

 VOICE
 CAAAAAAAAAAAAPEMAAAAAAAAAAN!

 HILTER
 Ah, right on schedule.

 Capeman lands next to them.

 CAPEMAN
 Greetings, puny mortals. What
 seems to be the problem?

 HILTER
 A hundred foot Spice Girl is
 destroying the city.

 CAPEMAN
 Tuh! Again! All right, I'll take
 care of it.

 Capeman prepares to leap into action, when Liam tugs on his
 cape.

 LIAM
 Uh, Capeman?

 CAPEMAN
 Yeah?

 LIAM
 Are you really Donner?

 CAPEMAN
 Yeah.

 LIAM
 You are?

 CAPEMAN
 No.

 Capeman flies into action.

 ELVIS
 Wow, Capeman verses Spicezilla! 
 This should be the fight of the
 century!

 Capeman hits Spicezilla sending her high into the air. He
 then proceeds to vaporize her with his heat vision.

 LIAM
 That's it?

 ELVIS
 I wanted to see the battle of the
 century and it turned out to be a
 two-second suck fest!

 Don King skips by.

 DON KING
 I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm...

 BLAM! Spicezilla's severed head crushes Don King.

 LIAM
 SWEET JESUS!

 Capeman joins them.

 CAPEMAN
 Ah, another villain therily
 defeated.

 A little kid tugs on his cape.

 KID
 Excuse me, Mr. Capeman, could I
 have your autograph?

 CAPEMAN
 Got ten bucks?

 The kid hands Capeman a ten and Capeman signs his name.

 CAPEMAN
 There, now beat it!

 The kid runs away.

 CAPEMAN
 As for me, I've got a guest shot on
 Montel in a few minutes! Tah-Tah!

 Capeman takes off. Mister Hilter looks at his watch.

 HILTER
 Three... Two... One...

 Donner appears wearing a Capeman mask.

 DONNER
 So, what did I miss?

 Everyone looks at him.

 DONNER
 What?

 HILTER
 That's an... Interesting mask
 you're wearing.

 DONNER
 Oh, this?
 (he takes it off)
 I... Uh... Bought it and wanted ot
 show it to Capeman. Cool, huh? So
 I guess I missed him, huh?

 HILTER
 Yes, Donner... You missed him.

 DONNER
 Well, damn.

 Everyone stares at Donner a few more seconds and then turn
 back to the conversation.

 CHOCOLATE TREAT
 You all set me free from those
 nasty demons that made me a
 sexually starved predator. Now, I
 can go back to my regular job.

 LIAM
 Which is?

 CHOCOLATE TREAT
 Prostitution.

 HILTER
 Figures.

 CHOCOLATE TREAT
 Boy, being possessed was the worst
 ten hours of my life, but thanks to
 all of you, I'm free...
 (a smile)
 Especially you, Liam.

 LIAM
 Aw, it was nothing.

 CHOCOLATE TREAT
 Because of you and the fact that
 you ain't never got none ever, I am
 free and I want to repay you.

 LIAM
 Repay?

 CHOCOLATE TREAT
 With hours upon hours of back
 breaking, sanity shattering, earth
 moving... SEX!

 LIAM
 (a beat)
 Uh... I have a headache?

 CHOCOLATE TREAT
 You can't hide behind that excuse
 forever, Liam! One day... It may
 be tomorrow or three years from
 now, I WILL HAVE YOU!!!

 HILTER
 It's good to set goals for oneself.

 LIAM
 This day has been unbelievable Is
 Las Vegas always like this?

 DONNER
 Naw...

 They all turn to go back inside.

 DONNER
 Sometimes it actually gets a little
 exciting.

 FADE OUT:

 THE END

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"Revenge is Sweeter: The Redux"
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