A/N: Well, this is it. The last chapter. Thanks for sticking with this and also for all the wonderful feedback! It means a lot to me. ^_^ A lot of chapters haven't been great so I'm working on some rewrites. So you might want to check back every now and then. In the meantime, I think I might start working on that sequel, so stay tuned for that also. Again, thanks so much for reading, and I would be eternally grateful if you left a review. :)
It's been almost two years now since I realized that my love for Rob was more than that of a best friend and roommate. Deeper than what I had felt for Pamela, and even Lauren. It's been almost two years since my whole world turned upside down, since I started starving myself. And it's been about a year since I tried to kill myself.
I remember two years ago standing above Rob, watching him sleep, finding comfort in the deep, peaceful breaths he took, and fantasizing about what it would feel like to be lying there next to him. Feeling those warm breaths ticking my neck, being wrapped in those secure arms, snuggling next to that warm body.
And now here I am in his – our – bed experiencing things I thought I only could in my dreams. His arms really are draped protectively over my waist, he really is snuggled next to me sleeping peacefully, he really is here loving me like I never thought he would.
I never thought my fantasy would actually become a reality. I never thought that Rob would be mine to hold, mine to kiss and to hug. Years ago, I never would have thought that I would have fallen in love with my best friend. And when I realized that I had indeed fallen in love with him, I never expected those feelings to tear me apart on the inside and cause me to starve myself to a skeletal 150 pounds. I never expected those feelings to turn into the awful, life-wrecking monster I like to call anorexia.
And I never expected to have recovered.
And yet, I am happy to admit, that all of my expectations have been wrong. I fell in love with my best friend; all the dreams I had of us being together came true; I – Jon Levine – the last one anyone would expect to have an eating disorder became anorexic; and, much to everyone's happy surprise, I overcame it.
Yes, I overcame the monster. It wasn't easy, and it didn't happen overnight. And having Rob return my love didn't make my problems go away, either. No, it took time. A lot of time, and lots of love and patience.
Sometimes it seemed like things would never get better. There were times when Rob would get so fed up that he'd yell and scream and threaten to leave, to put me in a hospital where everyone was so sure I belonged. There were times when he had almost completely given up hope, there were times when I had also. But he never did. And neither did I.
And now, after a year of yelling, tears, fighting, desperation, an unfathomable amount of pain, but above all loving… I'm lying here next to the man of my dreams, my Rob, my soul mate…stroking his chest while he sleeps, feeling the muscles and dips…and comparing them to my own.
I've spent so many nights just lying awake, examining my newly developing body, and wondering how I could have been so foolish to start down this path in the first place. Because I was scared to admit that I was in love with my best friend, I went through two years of hell. Two years of starvation, two years of committing a slow and unbearably painful suicide.
I still can't believe that I put myself through all of that simply because I was scared of my feelings. Scared that I was falling in love with my best friend. It seems so silly to me, looking back, that I would torture myself like that to avoid facing something that has turned out to be the best thing that has ever happened to me.
As I rehash the events of the past two years in my head for what seems like the millionth time tonight, I can't help but let a small laugh escape my lips. It's not funny really, but I can't help but think of the things people would do to avoid commitment, the things we do to escape the feelings in our heart, in our soul… The things we do for love.