The endnotes on this thing didn't work out too well. I wish you the best of
luck in figuring them out.
An Inappropriate Essay On Existentialism
The dust bunnies were restless. I could hear them on the floor underneath my bed. God knows what they were doing making such a racket at four o'clock in the morning. I blearily hoped it wouldn't end in anything too incomprehensible. My alarm clock had gone off half an hour before, announcing it was time I attempted some math homework or be damned on the test later that day. I had yet to effectively order myself out of the encompassing warmth of my blankets and onto the hard, unforgiving floor and out into the hallway and down the stairs and into the kitchen where my bag was and back into the dining room where I would work and into the chair where I would sit and.oh hell. I sat up in the darkness and pulled myself into reality. Time to start another insanely early day.
* * *
Down in the blessed land of Staubfanger, home of the favored race of Staubablagenung, no one was going to get any sleep. The younger Staubablagenung were already assembled where the sky ended and the great rift began, inspecting their newest bounty from the gods that had mysteriously appeared in the vast expanse of space just outside their land in the night.
"It is another page from the Yellow Book!" Ziegenkase cried in jubilation, bouncing around the said parchment and examining it from all sides. "It is a sign! A sign from the Great Hand!" The others stood in admiration of their pubescent leader and soaked in the wonders of this massive new object.
"Let us take it to Verkettung," someone called, referring to Staubanger's oldest priest of the Great Hand. "He must interpret this amazing sign for us." Others nodded in agreement and bounced up and down merrily.
"Fetch him and the scribe Teegeback," Ziegenkase ordered. "The rest of you, we must carry this to the temple! Follow me!"
Others had left their homes and were coming out to see what the commotion was all about. Some joined in the carrying of the parchment while still more bounced ahead, whooping with the joy of the moment and twitching their ears ecstatically.
At the mouth of the temple, Verkettung was already waiting, his own ears twitching with indignation rather than excitement. These confounded youngsters would wake up no matter what the hour if it meant they were allowed to yell and dance about insanely. It wasn't like that in the old days, oh no. In the old days, He was the only one who could make a ruckus in the streets about a new gift from the Great Hand. And there wasn't anything that couldn't patiently wait until morning and a nice, leisurely breakfast. In the name of the Giant Shoo(, it was still dark out!
The youngsters rounded a bend in the road, chanting some whimsical ditty improvised on the spot. They appeared like a vengeful mob of murderous heretics to Verkettung.
"Bring this new page through, Ziegenkase," Verkettung instructed in the tired old voice he reserved for occasions such as these when the youth were being too happy. "And then, in the name of the Great Hand, stop all that yelling!"
"Why can we not be joyful in the coming of a sign from the Great Hand, Prophet?" Ziegenkase challenged. "Is it wrong to be happy when our God brings gifts?"
"You are going to make us all deaf, you undersized glob of lint! Shouting like that would bring down the sky and it certainly won't enable us to interpret this new sign any faster! Now come inside and wait patiently -not to mention quietly for Teegeback to get here." Verkettung produced a look that told the adolescent before him that if he made another comment of any sort, the new sign would end up meaning something along the lines of 'Ziegenkase is a demon in disguise, you must all burn him alive on a stake in the center of town.'
The young charismatic leader grumbled softly under his breath and led the others through. Now and then one of the smaller children would let a 'Whoop!' escape their tiny mouths, winning themselves a stern look from Verkettung. Both his ears were now vibrating with discord.
"Hmm," Teegeback commented as he overlooked the torn page with interest. Old and senile as he was, the scribe was the only one who could still read from the sacred texts that numbered the many gifts sent down by the Great Hand. The Yellow Book, whose cover read 'National Geographic, issue: Sept. 1989' was one of great significance to all of the Staubablagenung. It talked of huge ferocious beasts that roamed through the 'world out there' eating each other.( "This new page talks of wondrous new things indeed. Motorola cell phones are half off when we order via the Internet.wondrous new things are these."
"Uh, Scribe," Ziegenkase interrupted Teegeback as respectfully as he could lest Verkettung decided he was still angry. "Please read the writing on the other side near the top. That is the part we believe is important."
"Be silent, child!" Verkettung suddenly spat. "Would you disregard half of this message from the Great Hand because your untrained eyes think the other side 'looks more important'?! Keep still and let Teegeback finish! Then I will discuss the meaning this page of the Yellow Book holds!"
Ziegenkase gulped and rolled further away from his manic elder.
"Hmm, yes indeed. Wondrous new things. Someone come help me turn this page over, yes?" Teegeback looked expectantly at a few Staubablagenung who rushed over to assist in capsizing the massive parchment.
"Ooh, intriguing," Teegeback's voice came through with earnest. "This page looks very important. 'The Tapir is in mortal danger'." There was a gasp of horror from Ziegenkase's followers.
"Mortal danger?! Read on, Scribe!" Ziegenkase said urgently. From the side, Verkettung let out an exasperated sigh and gave up twitching his ears in angst for the moment. Young ones were impossible to control these days, what with all this new enthusiasm about helping others in need and making the world a better place in the name of the Great Hand etc., etc. What was Staubfanger coming to if its youth couldn't mind its own business?
Teegeback, momentarily caught up in Ziegenkase's stress, quickly read on. "- Early this July a young orphaned tapir was found in the depths of the Amazon, alone and uncared for. Scientists don't believe the tapir will survive much longer without the care of its mother-"
"-Oh no! Thetapir is in trouble! We must save Thetapir!"
"Ziegenkase! CALM DOWN AND BE STILL!" Verkettung thundered.
"How can you say that when Thetapir is in need of our help?! Come my friends!" Ziegenkase ushered to his peers who eagerly got up to join him. "The meaning of the Great Hand's sign is clear to me now! We will go out into the unknown and save Thetapir from certain doom!"
"You will certainly not," Verkettung decreed. He bounced into the middle of the room and addressed the masses. "No one leaves Staubfanger! We are the Staubablagenung, have you forgotten? The blessed of the Great Hand. It gave forth this land to us and here we will stay!" Verkettung looked around threateningly at the suddenly quiet room. "And besides, I think it's obvious that the front side of the page was the important one. A Motorola cell phone at half price is an amazing deal."
The other elders in the room looked thoughtful at this and slowly began to twitch their ears in agreement.
"No! You are wrong!" Zeigenkase called. "We know the true will of the Great Hand and we shall go forth into the unknown to do it! We won't be associated with the Staubablagenung any longer if you will not help those the Great Hand says must be helped! Come me friends, we leave with the dawn! HUZZAH!"
"HUZZAH!" The other youngsters shouted in a deafening roar. "SAVE THETAPIR! HUZZAH! HUZZAH! HUZZAH! HUZZAH!"
* * *
I came back into my room upon finishing my homework. Well, half of it anyway. The bed was almost rocking back and forth with all the energy escaping from the dust bunny civilization. What on earth could they be doing under there? I observed the phenomenon of my animate bed for a few more seconds and then set about the compulsory mundane tasks school preparation involved. I found it amazingly hard to keep my eyes off that sliver of shadow protruding under the mattress that led to a minute world of who knows what.
".I bet they have my Geometry book."
It had been very taxing to do math that morning without the questions. Still, I had no resolve to stick my hand under that bed again and look for it. I certainly wouldn't dare such a stunt with all that excitement going on. I really have to be more careful with what I shove under my bed when cleaning my room. The things that go in didn't usually come out again.
* * *
At the edge of Staubablagenung, Ziegenkase's posse peered forth timidly into the massive desert before them: the place where the great fissure between sky and ground began.
"Come, my friends," Ziegenkase reassured. "There is nothing out there to be feared. Let us go forth with joy in our hearts." He gave a little laugh that failed to break the ice. "Ha-ha." Several of the group's more adamant members had consequentially been the youngest and therefore forced to stay behind by their mothers. Their excitement undaunted, they had cheered the others on in their little squeaky voices all the way to the edge of town. On the other side of the equation, those who remained with Ziegenkase were having a hard time remembering what had made them so energetic before all this talk of doing good deeds out in the unknown had come up. The elders said there were things out there in the open space beyond Staubfanger; things written about in the Yellow Book. Who were they to disagree with the sacred writings?
"We must save Thetapir!" Ziegenkase reminded. "It is the will of the Great Hand!"
"We remember all that," one of the more rational followers called Mohnblumen spoke out. "But who is going to save us?"
"The Great Hand will keep us from harm! Have you no faith?!" Ziegenkase took a running bounce into where the sky ended and the dark expanse of desert began.
He tripped and fell on his nose.
"Shee?" He said rather stiflingly from where his face was being impaled by the glossy dessert ground. "Nooffing ish comminf to eaf me! I amf pwotefted by za Greatf Hund! Joon me, moi fwiendzf!"
"HUZZAH!" Their belief renewed, the youth of Staufanger bounced out blissfully into the unknown.
Astride a small hilltop, Verkettung snorted out a small cloud of dust as he witnessed Ziegenkase and his young followers leave Stabfabfanger. Behind him stood the rest of the village's inhabitants, all of them anticipating some sort of sermon from their religious leader.
"What rabble-rousers." Verkettung quietly fumed to his fellows. "Such rebellious whippersnappers will be put into line by the Great Hand. See if they don't! There's a reason no one has ever traveled out into the unknown dessert!"
"-Don't you mean, 'desert', sir?" a young acolyte questioned humbly.
"Shut up, you! Now, where was I? Oh.yes.So they don't feel pride for being the Staubablagenung, the greatest race cherished by the Great Hand? Ha! All this wanting to help others and pointless whatnot.won't get them anywhere, that's what I say." His ears developed another irritating twitch. "What in the name of the Giant Shoo is Thetapir, anyway?"
An unexpected "HUZZAH!" erupted from the restrained infants who hadn't been allowed to go. Verkettung glared horribly at them.
Out in the unknown, Ziegenkase's small band of believers intrepidly delved into the world outside Staubfanger.
"What is it?" Frohlichkeit asked Mohnblumen, referring to the large object blocking their path. The two were scouting ahead for a spot to camp and had come upon it unexpectedly.
"Why, it looks like an exact replica of the Giant shoo, only.uh, backwards or something." Mohnblumen turned his head this way and that to get a better angle on the enormous wedge of footwear. "What do you suppose it is doing out here?"
"Sitting?" Frohlichkeit hazarded. He was not known for being the glossiest marble in the bag.
"You don't suppose it's another sign from the Great Hand, do you?"
"Oh I wouldn't think so.um.do I?"
Mohnblumen gave up any attempts at stimulating conversation. "Ziegenkase!" He instead called to his leader who stood silhouetted upon the horizon with the core of their group. "Come over here! We can camp in the lee of this Giant Shoo!" He stopped and looked blindly perplexed in Frohlichkeit's general direction. "Except of course for the fact that we can't really call it a Giant Shoo because we already have one so perhaps this is Giant Shoo number Two or Giant Shoo Junior or The Other One or something or even a thing that isn't a some at all or perhaps it's not even a Giant Shoo it's only meant to look like one and." Mohnblumen stopped as he realized he was charging forth into a serious philosophical ramble and wouldn't be out until dawn if he didn't pull up now. His ears twitched a little. He gave Frohlichkeit a nervous grin and sat down in silence to wait for Zeigenkase.
That night, over a chewy but hearty meal of stewed shoolace, the young Staubablagenung sat in silence and listened to the mysterious sounds of the desert in the protecting shadow of their Reebok.
"I have been struck with a rather stimulating notion," Ziegenkase's best friend Krapfen initiated when the silence had gotten unbearable and the moral was once again slipping. "We must come up with a new name for ourselves, for we should no longer associate ourselves with those blasphemers back home. I mean, think about it. Staubablagenung sounds like some sort of ominous disease. Is that how we want to think of ourselves? I personally would prefer to be the embodiment of rainbows, lollypops and sunshine."
"That is a splendid idea, comrade!" Ziegenkase seemed simply stoked about the proposal. "Does anyone have any suggestions?"
"How about The Liberation Front of Ogg?"
"What's an Ogg?"
"I haven't the faintest idea."
"Anyone in for the Peoples' Republic of Paraguay?
".Paraguay?"
"Never mind."
"I wouldn't mind being the Purple Happy Flower Faerie People That Frolic Among The Magenta Posies."
Silence.
A slightly longer silence.
"Does anyone have a pen? We should write that one down."
"Yes indeed! That was a stroke of pure genius! Let's be the Purple Happy Faerie People That Frolic Among The Magenta Posies!"
".I still want to be the Liberation Front of Ogg."
"Hark, my comrades! Cast aside the wretched title Staubablagenung! We are now and will forever more be the Purple Happy Flower Faerie People That Frolic Among The Magenta Posies! Embrace it with everlasting joy!"
A titanic HUZZAH roared over the desert and all the Purple Happy Flower Faerie People That Frolic Among The Magenta Posies( delighted in their spiritual rebirth.
* * *
Hesitantly, the door to my room creaked open and a cautious head poked through.
"I bet this room hasn't been properly dusted for years," my grandmother muttered. Growing bolder at the room's silence she slipped inside, broom in hand, and surveyed her new quarry. Satisfied that the room would supply her with hours of sweeping fun, she cleared away my belongings that had claimed the center of the floor as their territory and set about her task as Persecutor of Dirt.
SWISH.
SWISH.
SWISH.
SWI--
--Something was wrong. My grandmother could clearly see the grime inhabiting my floor. It was certainly there, and yet, with each sweep of her broom it would swirl about and refuse to go in any satisfactory direction, ending up again in the place she had first found it. She tried her broom technique experimentally a few more times before there was no doubt in her mind as to what was going on.
The dust was fighting back.
A look of grim determination settled over grandmother's visage and she tightened her grip on the broom handle. So the dust wanted to play rough, did it? Well, she loved the smell of Clorox in the morning.
* * *
"It's another attack!" Krapfen called. "Take cover!"
The P.H.F.F.P.T.F.A.T.M.P. chaotically dodged and side stepped the enormous bristly monster, trying to stay out of its way. The majority of them were quick enough to evade its stubbly teeth, but a few were always sent hurdling away into the far expanse of desert to be forever lost.
"Get behind it!" Ziegenkase ordered. "Don't let it sweep you off!"
Filled with fear, the Purple Happy Flower Faerie People That Frolic Among The Magenta Posies ran for their dusty little lives.
* * *
With a growl of annoyed despair my grandmother ceased her offensive strategy and retreated from the room to rethink her plan.
"I'll be back, you little devils," she warned ominously.
* * *
"Is everyone okay?" Krapfen staggered about counting heads. "Is everyone here?" He found Ziegenkase and twitched his ears mournfully at him.
"We've lost Angleheitert, Steifmutterchen and Bisamratte. That's five," his leader announced.
"Three, sir."
"Three."
"But why did it leave so suddenly instead of finishing us off?" Krapfen implored. "The elders told us that horrible things live out here. Why should one of them not kill us all if it has the strength?"
Ziegenkase bowed his head humbly. "The Great Hand has taken pity on its people. Rejoice we were not all swept off."
Limping slightly, Mohnblumen joined his friends in their discussion. "Ziegenkase, could it be we are being punished?"
Ziegenkase's eyes narrowed and his ears quirked suspiciously in Mohnblumen's direction. "How so?" There was a tone of danger in his voice.
"Last night we threw off the name Staubablagenung to show our allegiance to the Great Hand's mission and yet we decided to cling to our individual names. Surly the Great Hand has seen this as siding with the blasphemers back home and has chosen to punish us for being so blind."
Ziegenkase's ears backed off. "Yes, of course! Mohnblumen you are truly one of great wisdom!" He called forth to the others situated haphazardly in small groups around the general area. "Come, my friends! There is much we must do! Each of us must choose a new name to show our love of the Great Hand!"
The others came, most of them limping, and sat around Ziegenkase in a large semicircle.
"Choose, each of you, a new name to be known by. We will not leave this spot until all of us have one!" Ziegenkase cleared his throat. "I shall be Daisy-Chain."
"Well then I want to be Sugar-Cookie."
"Ooh! Ooh! Can I be Pinkly?"
"Hey! I want to be Pinkly!"
"Well I said it first!"
"Silence!" Ziegenkase, a.k.a. Daisy-Chain commanded. "You can be Pinkly-One and Pinkly-Two!" This provoked some general agreement and peace.
"Is the name Muffin-Maker still open?"
"My new name is He-Who-Likes-To-Eat-Small-Sweet-Things-In-Syrup."
"Ha! That's not as good as mine! He-Who-Loves-Small-Furry-Animals-And- Strives-To-Populate-The-World-With-Their-Beautiful-Loveliness!"
"I think I'll just be Joe."
"Joe?! How can you just be Joe?!"
"Fine. Joey then."
"That's not the point! It's a boring, mundane name!"
"Be still, my friends!" Daisy-Chain's charismatic prowess always had a positive effect of his followers. "Is each of us satisfied with our new identities?"
Everyone twitched their ears in contentment.
"Then let us be off! We seek Thetapir!"
"HUZZAH!"
Several hours later after an intense journey through more of the very strange grass, something new dawned on Happy-Butterfly (A.K.A. Mohnblumen). He secretly shared this revelation with Lollipop-Licker (A.K.A. Krapfen) to try out its logic.
"Krapfe-I mean, Lollipop-Licker?"
"Yeah?" Lollipop-Licker had been studiously studying his shadow each time he bounced forward but he missed a step to hear out his fellow.
"Our purpose as the Purple Happy Flower Faerie People That Frolic Among The Magenta Posies is to search out and give aid to Thetapir, correct?"
"That is correct, yes."
"And." Here Happy-Butterfly's face screwed as he chose each word carefully. "That mission was given to us by the Great Hand and therefore nothing would be allowed to get in the way of us accomplishing it, correct?"
"Yes.that is correct."
"Well, what does a Thetapir look like, anyway?"
Lollipop-Licker looked like a constipated puppy for the briefest of seconds but he soon regained his composure. The second in command was silent for a long moment before answering Happy-Butterfly's irksome question. "The air is really nice out here, don't you agree?"
This seemed to smooth over any disquieting thoughts Happy-Butterfly could conjure and he fell back to sing little songs to himself. The group bounced on in relative silence from there with only an occasional comment of "Vive le Thetapir!" or "On second thought, can I be Biscuit-Bunny?" Moral was high and the Purple Happy Flower Faerie People That Frolic Among The Magenta Posies bounced on until-
"Wha-- Daisy-Chain, what is this?!"
A wall. That was all that could be said. It was the biggest, whitest, most extraordinary wall any of them had ever seen. And it just sat there in front of them, looming out into eternity on all sides. For almost two days now, everyone had gotten used to the perpetually opaque white horizon that filled their vision. Therefore, it came as a shock to suddenly meet it face to face, up close, inches away from their noses.
Daisy-Chain bounced forward, awestruck. "This must be where the world ends," He breathed, for once in his life not being in the possession of any exclamation marks.
Try as they might, no one could see where the great expanse ended and so this rationalization from their omnipotent leader seemed very satisfactory to all. They sat in silence and gazed upon the wonder.
"We ought to build a shrine to the Great Hand," someone whispered, not wanted to break the holy silence but feeling his comment was religious enough to warrant appraisal.
"Yes," someone agreed.
"Yes!" someone else agreed more fervently.
"Yes indeed! Let us build a shrine! No spot could be more appropriate!" Daisy-Chain had quickly regained his composure. There did not seem to be much around in the general vicinity to make a shrine out of but he was sure his followers would make due. They always did.
A ways to the left, along the edge of the world, a large pile of Ceedees, much like the ones back home, were piled haphazardly in hard, transparent cases. Only slightly further on was yet another Giant Shoo (this filled Lollipop-Licker with a great amount of consternation as he attempted to come up with just one more original name for what seemed to be becoming a species of Giant Shoos. He could see them roaming about in giant herds in his mind, leaving behind the weak to die alone in obscure places) and, overflowing with their devotion to the Great Hand, everyone carried these enormous objects back to where their leader waited.
* * *
My grandmother cocked the camouflage bandana down over one eye and readied herself outside my door, vacuum cleaner in hand. She revved it like an engine and growled through gritted teeth.
* * *
"A little more to the right, Pinkly-Two!" Daisy-Chain commanded through a makeshift bullhorn. Pinkly-Two threw his weight on the topmost Ceedee to shift it over. Everyone rushed to bring more of the amazing shiny discs forward and attach them to various places around the structure. It was rather like a house of cards in which the walls hypnotized almost everyone with their mesmerizing metallic surfaces. It was about to become the most splendid shrine anyone had ever seen.
"All praise the Great Hand!"
"All praise Thetapir!"
"HUZZAH!"
"HUZZAH! HUZZAH! HUZZAH! HUZZAH!"
* * *
With a war cry that would dissolve Genghis Khan's kneecaps, grandmother flung open the door to my room and charged through, the vacuum cleaner poised in front of her.
* * *
WRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...
( There had, indeed, been many gifts from the Great Hand which included the above shoe, a dozen text books, underwear, pencils of assorted sizes, jacketless CD's, several stale cookies which the Staubablagenung used as emergency rations during famine, out of date calendars and a magical Timex watch that would initiate the apocalypse if the mode button was ever pushed. ( Now and then a ferocious demon would find its way down into Staubfanger. They always had a set of long antennae and a huge brown body that produced a terrifying sucking noise as it crashed into buildings and killed innocents with its spindly legs and flapping wings. The Staubablagenung were always able to rid themselves of these monsters in the end, but since the pictures from the Yellow Book described creatures a hundred times this size, everyone agreed it was a good idea to stay home. ( Lets just call them the P.H.F.F.P.T.F.A.T.M.P., okay?..actually that's not much better.
An Inappropriate Essay On Existentialism
The dust bunnies were restless. I could hear them on the floor underneath my bed. God knows what they were doing making such a racket at four o'clock in the morning. I blearily hoped it wouldn't end in anything too incomprehensible. My alarm clock had gone off half an hour before, announcing it was time I attempted some math homework or be damned on the test later that day. I had yet to effectively order myself out of the encompassing warmth of my blankets and onto the hard, unforgiving floor and out into the hallway and down the stairs and into the kitchen where my bag was and back into the dining room where I would work and into the chair where I would sit and.oh hell. I sat up in the darkness and pulled myself into reality. Time to start another insanely early day.
* * *
Down in the blessed land of Staubfanger, home of the favored race of Staubablagenung, no one was going to get any sleep. The younger Staubablagenung were already assembled where the sky ended and the great rift began, inspecting their newest bounty from the gods that had mysteriously appeared in the vast expanse of space just outside their land in the night.
"It is another page from the Yellow Book!" Ziegenkase cried in jubilation, bouncing around the said parchment and examining it from all sides. "It is a sign! A sign from the Great Hand!" The others stood in admiration of their pubescent leader and soaked in the wonders of this massive new object.
"Let us take it to Verkettung," someone called, referring to Staubanger's oldest priest of the Great Hand. "He must interpret this amazing sign for us." Others nodded in agreement and bounced up and down merrily.
"Fetch him and the scribe Teegeback," Ziegenkase ordered. "The rest of you, we must carry this to the temple! Follow me!"
Others had left their homes and were coming out to see what the commotion was all about. Some joined in the carrying of the parchment while still more bounced ahead, whooping with the joy of the moment and twitching their ears ecstatically.
At the mouth of the temple, Verkettung was already waiting, his own ears twitching with indignation rather than excitement. These confounded youngsters would wake up no matter what the hour if it meant they were allowed to yell and dance about insanely. It wasn't like that in the old days, oh no. In the old days, He was the only one who could make a ruckus in the streets about a new gift from the Great Hand. And there wasn't anything that couldn't patiently wait until morning and a nice, leisurely breakfast. In the name of the Giant Shoo(, it was still dark out!
The youngsters rounded a bend in the road, chanting some whimsical ditty improvised on the spot. They appeared like a vengeful mob of murderous heretics to Verkettung.
"Bring this new page through, Ziegenkase," Verkettung instructed in the tired old voice he reserved for occasions such as these when the youth were being too happy. "And then, in the name of the Great Hand, stop all that yelling!"
"Why can we not be joyful in the coming of a sign from the Great Hand, Prophet?" Ziegenkase challenged. "Is it wrong to be happy when our God brings gifts?"
"You are going to make us all deaf, you undersized glob of lint! Shouting like that would bring down the sky and it certainly won't enable us to interpret this new sign any faster! Now come inside and wait patiently -not to mention quietly for Teegeback to get here." Verkettung produced a look that told the adolescent before him that if he made another comment of any sort, the new sign would end up meaning something along the lines of 'Ziegenkase is a demon in disguise, you must all burn him alive on a stake in the center of town.'
The young charismatic leader grumbled softly under his breath and led the others through. Now and then one of the smaller children would let a 'Whoop!' escape their tiny mouths, winning themselves a stern look from Verkettung. Both his ears were now vibrating with discord.
"Hmm," Teegeback commented as he overlooked the torn page with interest. Old and senile as he was, the scribe was the only one who could still read from the sacred texts that numbered the many gifts sent down by the Great Hand. The Yellow Book, whose cover read 'National Geographic, issue: Sept. 1989' was one of great significance to all of the Staubablagenung. It talked of huge ferocious beasts that roamed through the 'world out there' eating each other.( "This new page talks of wondrous new things indeed. Motorola cell phones are half off when we order via the Internet.wondrous new things are these."
"Uh, Scribe," Ziegenkase interrupted Teegeback as respectfully as he could lest Verkettung decided he was still angry. "Please read the writing on the other side near the top. That is the part we believe is important."
"Be silent, child!" Verkettung suddenly spat. "Would you disregard half of this message from the Great Hand because your untrained eyes think the other side 'looks more important'?! Keep still and let Teegeback finish! Then I will discuss the meaning this page of the Yellow Book holds!"
Ziegenkase gulped and rolled further away from his manic elder.
"Hmm, yes indeed. Wondrous new things. Someone come help me turn this page over, yes?" Teegeback looked expectantly at a few Staubablagenung who rushed over to assist in capsizing the massive parchment.
"Ooh, intriguing," Teegeback's voice came through with earnest. "This page looks very important. 'The Tapir is in mortal danger'." There was a gasp of horror from Ziegenkase's followers.
"Mortal danger?! Read on, Scribe!" Ziegenkase said urgently. From the side, Verkettung let out an exasperated sigh and gave up twitching his ears in angst for the moment. Young ones were impossible to control these days, what with all this new enthusiasm about helping others in need and making the world a better place in the name of the Great Hand etc., etc. What was Staubfanger coming to if its youth couldn't mind its own business?
Teegeback, momentarily caught up in Ziegenkase's stress, quickly read on. "- Early this July a young orphaned tapir was found in the depths of the Amazon, alone and uncared for. Scientists don't believe the tapir will survive much longer without the care of its mother-"
"-Oh no! Thetapir is in trouble! We must save Thetapir!"
"Ziegenkase! CALM DOWN AND BE STILL!" Verkettung thundered.
"How can you say that when Thetapir is in need of our help?! Come my friends!" Ziegenkase ushered to his peers who eagerly got up to join him. "The meaning of the Great Hand's sign is clear to me now! We will go out into the unknown and save Thetapir from certain doom!"
"You will certainly not," Verkettung decreed. He bounced into the middle of the room and addressed the masses. "No one leaves Staubfanger! We are the Staubablagenung, have you forgotten? The blessed of the Great Hand. It gave forth this land to us and here we will stay!" Verkettung looked around threateningly at the suddenly quiet room. "And besides, I think it's obvious that the front side of the page was the important one. A Motorola cell phone at half price is an amazing deal."
The other elders in the room looked thoughtful at this and slowly began to twitch their ears in agreement.
"No! You are wrong!" Zeigenkase called. "We know the true will of the Great Hand and we shall go forth into the unknown to do it! We won't be associated with the Staubablagenung any longer if you will not help those the Great Hand says must be helped! Come me friends, we leave with the dawn! HUZZAH!"
"HUZZAH!" The other youngsters shouted in a deafening roar. "SAVE THETAPIR! HUZZAH! HUZZAH! HUZZAH! HUZZAH!"
* * *
I came back into my room upon finishing my homework. Well, half of it anyway. The bed was almost rocking back and forth with all the energy escaping from the dust bunny civilization. What on earth could they be doing under there? I observed the phenomenon of my animate bed for a few more seconds and then set about the compulsory mundane tasks school preparation involved. I found it amazingly hard to keep my eyes off that sliver of shadow protruding under the mattress that led to a minute world of who knows what.
".I bet they have my Geometry book."
It had been very taxing to do math that morning without the questions. Still, I had no resolve to stick my hand under that bed again and look for it. I certainly wouldn't dare such a stunt with all that excitement going on. I really have to be more careful with what I shove under my bed when cleaning my room. The things that go in didn't usually come out again.
* * *
At the edge of Staubablagenung, Ziegenkase's posse peered forth timidly into the massive desert before them: the place where the great fissure between sky and ground began.
"Come, my friends," Ziegenkase reassured. "There is nothing out there to be feared. Let us go forth with joy in our hearts." He gave a little laugh that failed to break the ice. "Ha-ha." Several of the group's more adamant members had consequentially been the youngest and therefore forced to stay behind by their mothers. Their excitement undaunted, they had cheered the others on in their little squeaky voices all the way to the edge of town. On the other side of the equation, those who remained with Ziegenkase were having a hard time remembering what had made them so energetic before all this talk of doing good deeds out in the unknown had come up. The elders said there were things out there in the open space beyond Staubfanger; things written about in the Yellow Book. Who were they to disagree with the sacred writings?
"We must save Thetapir!" Ziegenkase reminded. "It is the will of the Great Hand!"
"We remember all that," one of the more rational followers called Mohnblumen spoke out. "But who is going to save us?"
"The Great Hand will keep us from harm! Have you no faith?!" Ziegenkase took a running bounce into where the sky ended and the dark expanse of desert began.
He tripped and fell on his nose.
"Shee?" He said rather stiflingly from where his face was being impaled by the glossy dessert ground. "Nooffing ish comminf to eaf me! I amf pwotefted by za Greatf Hund! Joon me, moi fwiendzf!"
"HUZZAH!" Their belief renewed, the youth of Staufanger bounced out blissfully into the unknown.
Astride a small hilltop, Verkettung snorted out a small cloud of dust as he witnessed Ziegenkase and his young followers leave Stabfabfanger. Behind him stood the rest of the village's inhabitants, all of them anticipating some sort of sermon from their religious leader.
"What rabble-rousers." Verkettung quietly fumed to his fellows. "Such rebellious whippersnappers will be put into line by the Great Hand. See if they don't! There's a reason no one has ever traveled out into the unknown dessert!"
"-Don't you mean, 'desert', sir?" a young acolyte questioned humbly.
"Shut up, you! Now, where was I? Oh.yes.So they don't feel pride for being the Staubablagenung, the greatest race cherished by the Great Hand? Ha! All this wanting to help others and pointless whatnot.won't get them anywhere, that's what I say." His ears developed another irritating twitch. "What in the name of the Giant Shoo is Thetapir, anyway?"
An unexpected "HUZZAH!" erupted from the restrained infants who hadn't been allowed to go. Verkettung glared horribly at them.
Out in the unknown, Ziegenkase's small band of believers intrepidly delved into the world outside Staubfanger.
"What is it?" Frohlichkeit asked Mohnblumen, referring to the large object blocking their path. The two were scouting ahead for a spot to camp and had come upon it unexpectedly.
"Why, it looks like an exact replica of the Giant shoo, only.uh, backwards or something." Mohnblumen turned his head this way and that to get a better angle on the enormous wedge of footwear. "What do you suppose it is doing out here?"
"Sitting?" Frohlichkeit hazarded. He was not known for being the glossiest marble in the bag.
"You don't suppose it's another sign from the Great Hand, do you?"
"Oh I wouldn't think so.um.do I?"
Mohnblumen gave up any attempts at stimulating conversation. "Ziegenkase!" He instead called to his leader who stood silhouetted upon the horizon with the core of their group. "Come over here! We can camp in the lee of this Giant Shoo!" He stopped and looked blindly perplexed in Frohlichkeit's general direction. "Except of course for the fact that we can't really call it a Giant Shoo because we already have one so perhaps this is Giant Shoo number Two or Giant Shoo Junior or The Other One or something or even a thing that isn't a some at all or perhaps it's not even a Giant Shoo it's only meant to look like one and." Mohnblumen stopped as he realized he was charging forth into a serious philosophical ramble and wouldn't be out until dawn if he didn't pull up now. His ears twitched a little. He gave Frohlichkeit a nervous grin and sat down in silence to wait for Zeigenkase.
That night, over a chewy but hearty meal of stewed shoolace, the young Staubablagenung sat in silence and listened to the mysterious sounds of the desert in the protecting shadow of their Reebok.
"I have been struck with a rather stimulating notion," Ziegenkase's best friend Krapfen initiated when the silence had gotten unbearable and the moral was once again slipping. "We must come up with a new name for ourselves, for we should no longer associate ourselves with those blasphemers back home. I mean, think about it. Staubablagenung sounds like some sort of ominous disease. Is that how we want to think of ourselves? I personally would prefer to be the embodiment of rainbows, lollypops and sunshine."
"That is a splendid idea, comrade!" Ziegenkase seemed simply stoked about the proposal. "Does anyone have any suggestions?"
"How about The Liberation Front of Ogg?"
"What's an Ogg?"
"I haven't the faintest idea."
"Anyone in for the Peoples' Republic of Paraguay?
".Paraguay?"
"Never mind."
"I wouldn't mind being the Purple Happy Flower Faerie People That Frolic Among The Magenta Posies."
Silence.
A slightly longer silence.
"Does anyone have a pen? We should write that one down."
"Yes indeed! That was a stroke of pure genius! Let's be the Purple Happy Faerie People That Frolic Among The Magenta Posies!"
".I still want to be the Liberation Front of Ogg."
"Hark, my comrades! Cast aside the wretched title Staubablagenung! We are now and will forever more be the Purple Happy Flower Faerie People That Frolic Among The Magenta Posies! Embrace it with everlasting joy!"
A titanic HUZZAH roared over the desert and all the Purple Happy Flower Faerie People That Frolic Among The Magenta Posies( delighted in their spiritual rebirth.
* * *
Hesitantly, the door to my room creaked open and a cautious head poked through.
"I bet this room hasn't been properly dusted for years," my grandmother muttered. Growing bolder at the room's silence she slipped inside, broom in hand, and surveyed her new quarry. Satisfied that the room would supply her with hours of sweeping fun, she cleared away my belongings that had claimed the center of the floor as their territory and set about her task as Persecutor of Dirt.
SWISH.
SWISH.
SWISH.
SWI--
--Something was wrong. My grandmother could clearly see the grime inhabiting my floor. It was certainly there, and yet, with each sweep of her broom it would swirl about and refuse to go in any satisfactory direction, ending up again in the place she had first found it. She tried her broom technique experimentally a few more times before there was no doubt in her mind as to what was going on.
The dust was fighting back.
A look of grim determination settled over grandmother's visage and she tightened her grip on the broom handle. So the dust wanted to play rough, did it? Well, she loved the smell of Clorox in the morning.
* * *
"It's another attack!" Krapfen called. "Take cover!"
The P.H.F.F.P.T.F.A.T.M.P. chaotically dodged and side stepped the enormous bristly monster, trying to stay out of its way. The majority of them were quick enough to evade its stubbly teeth, but a few were always sent hurdling away into the far expanse of desert to be forever lost.
"Get behind it!" Ziegenkase ordered. "Don't let it sweep you off!"
Filled with fear, the Purple Happy Flower Faerie People That Frolic Among The Magenta Posies ran for their dusty little lives.
* * *
With a growl of annoyed despair my grandmother ceased her offensive strategy and retreated from the room to rethink her plan.
"I'll be back, you little devils," she warned ominously.
* * *
"Is everyone okay?" Krapfen staggered about counting heads. "Is everyone here?" He found Ziegenkase and twitched his ears mournfully at him.
"We've lost Angleheitert, Steifmutterchen and Bisamratte. That's five," his leader announced.
"Three, sir."
"Three."
"But why did it leave so suddenly instead of finishing us off?" Krapfen implored. "The elders told us that horrible things live out here. Why should one of them not kill us all if it has the strength?"
Ziegenkase bowed his head humbly. "The Great Hand has taken pity on its people. Rejoice we were not all swept off."
Limping slightly, Mohnblumen joined his friends in their discussion. "Ziegenkase, could it be we are being punished?"
Ziegenkase's eyes narrowed and his ears quirked suspiciously in Mohnblumen's direction. "How so?" There was a tone of danger in his voice.
"Last night we threw off the name Staubablagenung to show our allegiance to the Great Hand's mission and yet we decided to cling to our individual names. Surly the Great Hand has seen this as siding with the blasphemers back home and has chosen to punish us for being so blind."
Ziegenkase's ears backed off. "Yes, of course! Mohnblumen you are truly one of great wisdom!" He called forth to the others situated haphazardly in small groups around the general area. "Come, my friends! There is much we must do! Each of us must choose a new name to show our love of the Great Hand!"
The others came, most of them limping, and sat around Ziegenkase in a large semicircle.
"Choose, each of you, a new name to be known by. We will not leave this spot until all of us have one!" Ziegenkase cleared his throat. "I shall be Daisy-Chain."
"Well then I want to be Sugar-Cookie."
"Ooh! Ooh! Can I be Pinkly?"
"Hey! I want to be Pinkly!"
"Well I said it first!"
"Silence!" Ziegenkase, a.k.a. Daisy-Chain commanded. "You can be Pinkly-One and Pinkly-Two!" This provoked some general agreement and peace.
"Is the name Muffin-Maker still open?"
"My new name is He-Who-Likes-To-Eat-Small-Sweet-Things-In-Syrup."
"Ha! That's not as good as mine! He-Who-Loves-Small-Furry-Animals-And- Strives-To-Populate-The-World-With-Their-Beautiful-Loveliness!"
"I think I'll just be Joe."
"Joe?! How can you just be Joe?!"
"Fine. Joey then."
"That's not the point! It's a boring, mundane name!"
"Be still, my friends!" Daisy-Chain's charismatic prowess always had a positive effect of his followers. "Is each of us satisfied with our new identities?"
Everyone twitched their ears in contentment.
"Then let us be off! We seek Thetapir!"
"HUZZAH!"
Several hours later after an intense journey through more of the very strange grass, something new dawned on Happy-Butterfly (A.K.A. Mohnblumen). He secretly shared this revelation with Lollipop-Licker (A.K.A. Krapfen) to try out its logic.
"Krapfe-I mean, Lollipop-Licker?"
"Yeah?" Lollipop-Licker had been studiously studying his shadow each time he bounced forward but he missed a step to hear out his fellow.
"Our purpose as the Purple Happy Flower Faerie People That Frolic Among The Magenta Posies is to search out and give aid to Thetapir, correct?"
"That is correct, yes."
"And." Here Happy-Butterfly's face screwed as he chose each word carefully. "That mission was given to us by the Great Hand and therefore nothing would be allowed to get in the way of us accomplishing it, correct?"
"Yes.that is correct."
"Well, what does a Thetapir look like, anyway?"
Lollipop-Licker looked like a constipated puppy for the briefest of seconds but he soon regained his composure. The second in command was silent for a long moment before answering Happy-Butterfly's irksome question. "The air is really nice out here, don't you agree?"
This seemed to smooth over any disquieting thoughts Happy-Butterfly could conjure and he fell back to sing little songs to himself. The group bounced on in relative silence from there with only an occasional comment of "Vive le Thetapir!" or "On second thought, can I be Biscuit-Bunny?" Moral was high and the Purple Happy Flower Faerie People That Frolic Among The Magenta Posies bounced on until-
"Wha-- Daisy-Chain, what is this?!"
A wall. That was all that could be said. It was the biggest, whitest, most extraordinary wall any of them had ever seen. And it just sat there in front of them, looming out into eternity on all sides. For almost two days now, everyone had gotten used to the perpetually opaque white horizon that filled their vision. Therefore, it came as a shock to suddenly meet it face to face, up close, inches away from their noses.
Daisy-Chain bounced forward, awestruck. "This must be where the world ends," He breathed, for once in his life not being in the possession of any exclamation marks.
Try as they might, no one could see where the great expanse ended and so this rationalization from their omnipotent leader seemed very satisfactory to all. They sat in silence and gazed upon the wonder.
"We ought to build a shrine to the Great Hand," someone whispered, not wanted to break the holy silence but feeling his comment was religious enough to warrant appraisal.
"Yes," someone agreed.
"Yes!" someone else agreed more fervently.
"Yes indeed! Let us build a shrine! No spot could be more appropriate!" Daisy-Chain had quickly regained his composure. There did not seem to be much around in the general vicinity to make a shrine out of but he was sure his followers would make due. They always did.
A ways to the left, along the edge of the world, a large pile of Ceedees, much like the ones back home, were piled haphazardly in hard, transparent cases. Only slightly further on was yet another Giant Shoo (this filled Lollipop-Licker with a great amount of consternation as he attempted to come up with just one more original name for what seemed to be becoming a species of Giant Shoos. He could see them roaming about in giant herds in his mind, leaving behind the weak to die alone in obscure places) and, overflowing with their devotion to the Great Hand, everyone carried these enormous objects back to where their leader waited.
* * *
My grandmother cocked the camouflage bandana down over one eye and readied herself outside my door, vacuum cleaner in hand. She revved it like an engine and growled through gritted teeth.
* * *
"A little more to the right, Pinkly-Two!" Daisy-Chain commanded through a makeshift bullhorn. Pinkly-Two threw his weight on the topmost Ceedee to shift it over. Everyone rushed to bring more of the amazing shiny discs forward and attach them to various places around the structure. It was rather like a house of cards in which the walls hypnotized almost everyone with their mesmerizing metallic surfaces. It was about to become the most splendid shrine anyone had ever seen.
"All praise the Great Hand!"
"All praise Thetapir!"
"HUZZAH!"
"HUZZAH! HUZZAH! HUZZAH! HUZZAH!"
* * *
With a war cry that would dissolve Genghis Khan's kneecaps, grandmother flung open the door to my room and charged through, the vacuum cleaner poised in front of her.
* * *
WRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...
( There had, indeed, been many gifts from the Great Hand which included the above shoe, a dozen text books, underwear, pencils of assorted sizes, jacketless CD's, several stale cookies which the Staubablagenung used as emergency rations during famine, out of date calendars and a magical Timex watch that would initiate the apocalypse if the mode button was ever pushed. ( Now and then a ferocious demon would find its way down into Staubfanger. They always had a set of long antennae and a huge brown body that produced a terrifying sucking noise as it crashed into buildings and killed innocents with its spindly legs and flapping wings. The Staubablagenung were always able to rid themselves of these monsters in the end, but since the pictures from the Yellow Book described creatures a hundred times this size, everyone agreed it was a good idea to stay home. ( Lets just call them the P.H.F.F.P.T.F.A.T.M.P., okay?..actually that's not much better.