Escape From IA: Destination, Earth?

Captain's log: Stardate 37652

My crew members tell me I should stop plagiarizing the documentary of primitive space travel known as Star Trek. However, I lack originality, and have grown fond of telling my crew I do it in order to be able to comprehend the thoughts and actions of the Star Trek captain, thus endowing myself with the ability to take action against any similar enemies.

"Land ho!" shouted my navigator, one of my race quite infatuated with pirates. Trust the men of HHIA (our home planet) to send me such sane, competent "nut-cases" on such a pointless journey. I dashed to my view-screen-thingy. Luck was on our side! Somehow, with my navigator's BRILLIANT idea of using the stars rather than our invisible, state-of-the-art equipment, we managed to find our way to Earth.

We landed outside a large structure. It was a strange object, made of some dull gray material which stretched, yet not much. Fist sized holes lined the tall object in a strange formation, leaving only thin strands of the material in between each hole, and at the top, the entire length of the…thing as it shall be called was lined with similar material, pointy things emerging from various spaces. It shall be called "stuff. "I wondered whatever the thing with the stuff could be for. My right-hand man thought perhaps it was meant to keep the dangerous inhabitants of the large white building with many windows and a large white block on top, reading "Happy Hills Asylum" inside. Highly unlikely, yet still probable. A groan of pain alerted me my crew was harmed. Indeed, entering the atmosphere had been quite dastardly to our fragile skin, as all four of us had cuts covering our hands and legs, and the garments we wore from our home planet were torn. I sighed and set our vehicle to stealth. Not even I could see it now. It was safe until we took off again. Relaxing slightly, I took a deep breath. The air was indeed safe, much like our own from IA. My crew began our trek into the vast jungles of this new planet. As we traveled, my engineer let out a shout.

"Look! A native! A god!"

He was pointing at a strange creature in a tree. The creature was small, with an almost pure white body with the exception of a brown spot on its back and a brown tip on an appendage which emerged from its bottom. As it saw us, it stood. The numerous white hairs (and the brown ones) all stood up on the creature's back. The bottom appendage doubled in size, and the Almighty Being spoke to us in a strange language. We worshipped it as my engineer, whom had been picked up from Ancient Egypt on the last trip to this planet, said we should. As we worshipped, the Almighty Being jumped gracefully down from the large brown and green thing my right-hand man (after consulting his other half, whom we could not see) called a tree and vanished into the woods.

"After it! We were not done worshipping it!"

Thus, after it we ran. And we ran. And we ran. And we ran some more. And then, after that, there was more running. Finally, we lost sight of the Almighty being.

"Noooo!!" my engineer cried, falling to his knees and sobbing. I myself had my eyes elsewhere. The Almighty Being had led us to a wondrous destination! We stood in a large clearing, and in front of us was another large white building, yet THIS one had the words "police station" on it. My navigator's mouth dropped open slowly as a portal magically began opening, the entrance vanishing into the top of the rock it was built into. Once it had fully vanished, another magical thing emerged! My right-hand man grabbed me and pulled me back as I tried to examine the thing. This thing, this new god was white and blue, with a single eye on the front, another on the back, and two on the side facing towards me. It lacked hair, yet had some strange light in place of it. The light was rotating, red, then blue, then red, over and over. It was hypnotic, and only my right-hand man kept me where I was. The god-being let out a wail without opening either the mouth on the front or back. The scream continued, and as it passed me by, I was amazed to see two of my kind, two beings who looked like me, except male, on the inside! They had been sacrificed and devoured by the wailing god! Those poor men.

After the wailing god had vanished, my men and I removed ourselves from our hiding locations and made our way into the dwelling of the wailing god. Inside was brightly lit, and there were many desks. The wailing god had people running around, doing much work for him. At an unoccupied desk (which was something we had many of on IA,) my engineer noticed something made of the same material the THING from our arrival was made of. This one was not the least bit flexible, however, and I concluded it was a different material all together. This thing was quite odd. It was two circles, with a chain in the middle, and each circle had a place for a key. Wondering what use this incredible thing could be for, I called over my right-hand man. He looked at it for a moment, then turned to his friend and consultant whom I could not see. After a few moments, he nodded, grinned at me, and slipped the round end over my wrist. My hand was quite small for the thing. Perhaps it was some sort of device used for a wedding, or a test of endurance? I slipped on the other circle and laughed. My hands could no longer pull apart. Indeed, it was a test of strength. I, though, easily slipped out of the rings of strength, as they shall be called. That was when I saw one of my kind approaching. He was unfamiliar to me. On his chest a strange alien was attached. It was of an odd shape, gold in color, decorative, and read Sheriff. Reality set in. A Sheriffian alien had attacked this poor Nut-case! Roaring, I lunged at the alien, hoping to wring it off of its victim. The man shouted as I grabbed onto the Sheriffian and tugged. It easily came off. An easy battle, and a victory! I held my dead prize in the air and laughed.

"Captain!" my crew shouted at me. I paused, then blacked out.

When I awoke later, I was in a familiar place, my own room on the planet IA. They must have teleported me back to my ship and returned it home while I was unconscious. My crew was back as well. They told me another IAnian had hit me over the head, then all of them as well. We had all awoken in our rooms. Sighing, I got up and headed for the dining room. I was quite hungry after my first travel through outer space to earth. As I was leaving, I smiled as I heard the IAnian at the desk give her welcome.

"Welcome to the Asylum at Happy Hills. How may I help you?"