Jesus Eats Babies
Contrary to popular stereotypes, Jesus finds one thing wrong with abortion: He wasn't there to eat them.
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Doktor Beppo
A recently uncovered Gospel, that of "John Deere," made some interesting claims. First, Jesus drives a combine harvester with the words "Meat Wagon" written on the side in human blood. Second, the Lord drives the Meat Wagon while drunk and dressed in overalls. Third, Jesus Christ drives the combine harvester through schoolyards of children. Fourth, the Lord sayeth unto spectators: "Come hither, and devour the shredded remains of children." (John Deere 4:17). Essentially, Jesus wants us to shred and eat children. Thanks be to the Lord. Abortions are also included here, as they must be ceremonially sliced before consumption. Aborted fetuses are infinitely better tasting than most Communion wafers. Thanks be to God. Thus, friends, we must go and eat aborted fetuses and shred them before suckling their sweet, flowing juices inside. Anyone who disagrees with my sound theology can go to Hell, for they have been tainted by the works of the Devil.
8/17/2007 #1
You are one sick person, you know that?
8/17/2007 #2
Yep. We don't got no Xians Suck here, we've got an inexperienced and dumb troll.
9/14/2007 #3
I love you. I love you I love you I love you. I want to have your babies. Just so we can abort and eat them together.
9/16/2007 #4
Joan of Snark
Yep. Sound theology. The Gospel of Deere (good choice of name) is a fine addition.
9/18/2007 #5
It's offical. All of you are sickos here. Jesus eating babies? That is the most idiotic thing that I have ever heard. No where in the Bible is Jesus a cannibal (which I am quite sure YOU are). And I also happen to know that he loves children. So shut up and get a life.
9/18/2007 #6
Joan of Snark
Isn't it a lot more idiotic to be assuming that anyone actually believes Jesus is a cannibal?
9/19/2007 #7
Fantasy China Story
"SOund Theology"? Are you mad?! There are soooo many things in the Bible that would contradict that. The whole point, the whole personality, of Jesus makes it obvious how wrong you are. Seriously, you are miles from the truth. Go back and read your bible again.
9/19/2007 #8
Oh, for the love of- !! Jesus Christ, you nazis are off your rockers. IT'S A DAMNED JOKE. No one here is honestly advocating the slaughter of unborn children by the hands of Jesus. NO ONE INTENDS TO GRIND CHILDREN UP IN THE PLAYGROUND. No one but YOU PEOPLE are taking it seriously. ... damn. it's just way too early in the morning for this. i'm going to regret this once i'm not half-asleep.
9/20/2007 #9
Joan of Snark
Speak for yourself - I grind children up all the time. Happy harvesting. And for the benefit of those who can't tell when someone's joking, here is a helpful disclaimer: THE ABOVE STATEMENT IS NOT SERIOUS.
9/20/2007 #10
Fantasy China Story
well then it's a stupid thing to joke about. got it? no one wnats to read stupid thinsg like that. if you think anyone other than sickos are gonna laugh at that you are even more stupid thna i thought you were for making the joke. it was simply sick and stupid.
9/20/2007 #11
Joan of Snark
Yes you're right, it is a "stupid thinsg" as you so eloquently observed, but that's the whole point. It's not a big deal. If you're really that offended by some anonymous people on an internet forum then I can only suggest that you try getting out more.
9/20/2007 #12
Fantasy China Story
"thinsg"? oops... my fingers fly fast but carelessly I see. "Get out more"? I already live in China... how much more can I "get out"? lol
9/21/2007 #13
Fantasy China Story
I forgot to mention that you are not ment to put anything that is not suitable for teens. Personally, I don't think it was really suitbale for me to read this. But hey, I'm a mature teen, so I'm not gonna go believing that junk. thankfully.
9/21/2007 #14
Oh, my, you're naive. Sweetheart, Joan doesn't mean get out of the country. She means get out of your house and -socialize-. You'll find that Jesus eatting babies isn't nearly so crude as you think it is. And believe me. Dead baby humor is ENTIRELY a teenager thing. No other age group that I know of takes such delight in it than ours. And no here actually believes it, except for the people flaming it. So, really, can we just let it go?
9/21/2007 #15
Fantasy China Story
Please, don't make me hate you
9/23/2007 #16
Somebody To Love 08
This whole topic is just stupid. China, you're right. Anyone who finds humor in Jesus killing and eating children in such a revolting is sick in the head and needs serious medical attention and prayer. Also I don't like the implications of country people doing such a thing in that city folk don't usually own a combiner.
10/1/2007 #17
Fantasy China Story
Oh thank you thank you thank you for agreeing with me!!! you are very right about this.
10/2/2007 #18
Joan of Snark
No one is taking this seriously except for the people wasting time whining about it. But reading the Bible would tell you that God killed plenty of children (although he didn't eat them), so I don't see what's so terrible about this not particularly funny joke. Anyway you could look at this as a nice metaphor, if you find that the literal interpretation is not to your liking. Oh, and for your information, Somebody to Love, country folk don't usually own a combiner either, and I find your suggestion that they do highly offensive.
10/2/2007 #19
Somebody To Love 08
Maybe I should have been a little more specific. I meant to say farmers.
10/2/2007 #20
Joan of Snark
It's no problem. I wasn't serious anyway.
10/2/2007 #21
Fantasy China Story
I bet God took it seriously. Imagine how He feels when ppl say things like that about Him. That has really gotta hurt. :'(
10/2/2007 #22
Joan of Snark
My God has a great sense of humor.
10/3/2007 #23
Doktor Beppo
I have a few quotes from Scripture to prove my point: "Then Jesus said unto them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Except ye eat the flesh of the Son of man, and drink his blood, ye have no life in you. Whoso eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life; and I will raise him up at the last day. For my flesh is meat indeed, and my blood is drink indeed." (John 6:53-55) "He said, "this is my body which is broken for you; this do in remembrance of me." (1 Cor. 11:24) There you have it. Cannibalism is God's will, and thus is blessed. If you've ever eaten the raw flesh of a (preferably) willing supplicant, how can you not consider it divine?
10/3/2007 #24
Fantasy China Story
Joan: So you mean that, when someone calls you names, Joan, and makes fun of you and starts un-true rumours about you, you simply laugh at yourself with everyone else and move on? Don't you think you'd get mad and be incredibly tempted to retaliate? I really don't think God would laugh at this "joke" that has been posted here. Doktor Beppo: You must have a strange Bible for it to say "meat indeed". Mine says "true food", which is not the same. Ppl call the Bible "Food for the Soul", yet no one actually eats it. And notice, no one actually ate His real body, only the symbol of it. It was all symbolic. Argh, this is like Jill, Eustace, and Puddleglum trying to tell the Witch/Lady of the Green Kirtle/Snake that Narnia and the sun and Aslan all really do exist. I'm getting so sick of this...
10/3/2007 #25
Joan of Snark
China: Yes I do just laugh if someone calls me names. It really doesn't bother me, and I think it utterly demeans God to suggest that he even remotely cares about this. To me God isn't a little kid in a playground who cries because nasty people are spreading mean stories. If it's this easy to upset our almighty creator then he's pathetic. But, eh, the God I believe in is almost certainly not the same as yours. Oh, and Doktor, that's some amazing evidence you've got there.
10/4/2007 #26
Fantasy China Story
I never said that He cries. I said I didn't think He would laugh. I personally think He would be very grieved that ppl could be so mislead. I can picture the exact expression I'd expect Him to be wearing, but sadly there aren't really words to adequatly describe it. And I can't even draw it cauz I don't know what He looks like... sad... I could just cry for Him :'(
10/4/2007 #27
Joan of Snark
... LOL. If we assume that your God knows everything then he must have always known that this forum would be made etc, so he's probably just about recovered from his grief by now.
10/4/2007 #28
Fantasy China Story
Hee hee, true! At least i think so...
10/4/2007 #29
CS Waters

Um, this is a joke, right? Well, even if it is, this is a subject that should not be made fun of.

And, Doktor Beppo, Jesus was using a metaphor. When was he ever talking literlly. He said in Scripture he would (and correct me if I'm wrong) destroy the Temple and rebuild it and three days.

Now, did he really mean he, a single man, was going to take a bulldozer and destroy Jerselum's holy temple, and rebuild it? No, he meant he was going to die and resurrected himself in three days.

He also said when someone slaps a person, that person should turn the other cheek. Again, a metaphor.

I really hope you're not seriously meaning this junk. To make fun of the Lord's name is like to stick your hand into a hungry lion's cage. For your safety, I pray you just drop the topic and take your religion seriously.

7/11/2008 #30
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