Jesus Eats Babies
Contrary to popular stereotypes, Jesus finds one thing wrong with abortion: He wasn't there to eat them.
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All right then,

If nobody minds, I’m going to take a few quick moments to clarify this little mess were all up in arms about.

Firstly, Beppo: Your theological discovery is no new news to anybody. People for ages have been trying to denounce the bible as holy, and still today nobody has succeeded. This is because most of the bible is written in metaphor. And until you have taken a theological course at a qualified university or at least visited your local church for explanations on the scripture, please refrain from making unknowledgeable statements about the bible, because you will, most likely, come off looking rather foolish. (Not to mention spark a horrible mess of debates over something that really doesn’t need to be hashed over on fictionpress in the first place.) The entire point of writing in metaphors is to encourage the human race to pursue God in search of answers, therefore bringing them closer to him. And when Jesus says to eat the flesh and so on, he is referring to bread, and wine. (Body and blood) Broken, because of the fact that he died on the cross for us. It is simple as that, and no more discussion need be held over it. I don’t believe that you were joking, seeing as you held up your interpretations with scripture, but correct me if I am wrong.

As for those of you who are deeply offended, and feel the need to retaliate on Gods behalf, don’t bother, the scripture is filled with life, and will hold up just fine against these such attacks, as it has for thousands of years. Further, calling somebody sick in the head wont change their beliefs, it will only serve to further anger them, and become increasingly hostile towards religion and the religious in general. Did the Lord not say to do unto others as you would have them do unto you? Did he not instruct us to love our enemies? If he did, then insulting those who attack the bible is going against orders. If you wish to preach it, first live it.

“How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘ Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrites! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will be able to see well enough to deal with the speck in your friends eye.” - Matthew 7:4, New Living Translation.

In a roundabout way, what I’m saying is quit arguing, fictionpress is hardly the place to start philosophical and theological debates, so please limit them to your own homes. I mean no offence to either side of this argument, but I do think your all being quite ridiculous.

“Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.”

-Proverbs 10:19, New Living Translation

8/14/2008 #31
Ten ways to spoil dinner

I agree with massattraction. Don't insult your enemies, it won't change them. I get inulted all the time, but I don't change, I ignore the insults. So, in a sense, insulting people is the worst way to clear a mess up. Actually, it will make the mess even worse.

8/22/2008 #32
Purple Summer

here here massattraction! Well put! This is fiction press; a place to discuss writing and stories, not a place to debate whether jesus did this or that. Why doesn't everyone just stop fueling a pointless argument and talk about something else. We all know that there is no way to prove anything with religion, and isn't that the point? We're meant to believe, not know, so lets move on to a more pleasent, and less contraversial topic.

9/21/2008 . Edited 9/21/2008 #33
Leana C

*laughs* Nice. Where'd you find this crap? It is great. And just take a look, you've caused a riot among these people. You are my hero. *laughs again*

And no, I'm not being sarcastic. Here's a little note to all you people who are taking this a little seriously: This is a joke. Why should you take it so harshly? How is this going to affect your everyday life?

1/12/2009 #34

You, sir, are my hero :'D I was laughing so hard when I read this, it just made my day... Er, night. And the 'John Deere' gospel is just classic. I amend you for thinking up such a thing xD

As for those of us that think this is just 'wrong', and that those of us that find humor in it are 'sickos', you have obviously never heard the word SATIRE. Now I know it may be hard for some of us to understand this strange and new concept, we must at least try our best to. Because isn't that what Jesus would do? Oh see, there's some satire right there for you.

But seriously, are some people so narrow minded that they can't take this as a joke? I've had plenty of knocks myself in different things that I believe them, and I know when people are kidding. And this is the result of some religions. People's parents teach them everything they believe, thus restraining the kid into only one way of thinking and most of the time they stay in this frame of mind. I'd love if some of you were to re-read over this (Now with the concept of satire in your minds), and see if you can take it as a joke. Which I don't most of you can. Wanna prove me wrong, hopefully?

5/16/2009 #35

I personally find that joke offensive in every way, but who am I to not advocate freedom of speech? Yep. It's a joke. And I'm not laughing.

5/27/2009 #36
Serenity Nightshade

but jesus wants us to consume his flesh and blood. Thus, he wants US to be cannibals.

8/5/2009 #37
Lord of the Foxes

I agree with katietheunicorn here. This is a very offensive joke, one I've grown rather sick of. But you are free to express your own will, so I will not stop you. But, do remember that every thing comes with a price. A joke may be a joke, but if not everyone is laughing, it's no longer funny.

And Serenity Nightshade, you do understand what a metaphor is, right? Or do you need to go back to grade school to recomprehend that concept?

8/5/2009 #38
Serenity Nightshade

ok then, you want me to partake in a shadow of cannabalism, and hide away safe from the real thing, Casue i'm not ACTUALLY eating someone. i'm just saying i am.

8/5/2009 #39
CS Waters

If I can speak my mind, perhaps?

If a joke makes fun of a race, religion, or gender, it is very rude to do as such. Such as if I were to make a joke against Russians being drunkards, or Germans being Nazis, or blondes being stupid. That isn't nice, nor it is funny if one party isn't laughing. And by party, I mean the jokee, the one receiving the blow.

Sure, Jesus might laugh this joke off, but it is very hurtful to all Christians alike. So, if you could just please drop the subject?

8/5/2009 #40
Serenity Nightshade

why are you even in this forum? if you come here and enage in arguments against people who are clearly not going to change there minds, then it would be more fruitful if you just let the joke burn out and the forum lie inactive. And by the way, you christians are very hurtful to everyone else, did you know that? Might I mention the crusades? And that lovely job you guys did of destroying African cultures, enslaving entire races to do you bidding, and killing off ANYONE who didn't like the way you did stuff?

8/5/2009 #41
CS Waters

It's true what you said. And I apologize for engaging myself into this.

But the crusades thing, um, I did not take part in that nor do I take ownership of those deeds. But you are correct, the crusades were wrong. Witch hunting was wrong. Killing people is, and will remain, wrong. Enslaving people is wrong.

Alright, I'm done with my ranting. Carry on.

8/5/2009 #42
Monochromatic Stains

How are those things wrong?

To me it sounds like those were the real christians.

Modern day christians have changed the faith around so much, just so they don't have to feel any guilt.

Take for instances, Gays,

The bible does in fact say being Gay is a sin, but the modern day christian will choose to ignore that or change it.

The real christians are extinct.

8/5/2009 #43
Monochromatic Stains

Besides its a joke.

Quit being little bitche$.

Though I wouldn't doubt it if they did eat babies.

8/6/2009 . Edited 8/6/2009 #44
CS Waters

Forgive me for correcting you, but maybe less than half of Christians are true and blue. The others are there for the act for attention, showing off, which is wrong in my opinion. But you don't need to listen to me.

But please, can we just stop with the joke? It can get very hurtful.

8/6/2009 #45
Monochromatic Stains

Is it not just as hurtful to tell someone they are not funny?

When you have friend who tells a joke to you and its not funny, what do you do:

A. Tell them they are not funny and hurt their feelings.

B. Laugh anyway.

8/6/2009 #46
Leana C

Snow Angel of Christ:

I kind of understand where you are coming from, yet I also kind of don't. I mean, this really isn't a personal attack on you in particular, it's just a twist on the words in the bible. Please note that this most likely not the first time anyone has linked Christianity with cannibalism, so chill out and let the people have their fun. None of them know you personally, so you shouldn't really care that they are poking fun at something affiliated with you.

I mean, it's kind of like someone bashing my favorite TV show, or book and twisting it around in fanfiction to match their sick, twisted mind. Granted, I might not find it funny at all. I might even get angry, but I'm not going to act like it's a personal attack on me, because nobody on the net knows who I am anyway, and it really isn't going to leave an impact on my life.

Basically, don't take these kinds of things so seriously, at least not when anyone is trying to individually attack you. You might actually find this whole forum amusing, if not at the content in the post, then at least in the messages from people going insane over this. It'll make you feel loads better, trust me.

8/7/2009 . Edited 8/7/2009 #47
CS Waters

Thanks a lot, Enya Black. What you said kind of made me feel better. Okay, I'll do what you said.

8/10/2009 #48
Monochromatic Stains

8/31/2009 #49
Leana C

It was a little hard to listen to due to all the loud music (I couldn't hear the lyrics). What was the song about anyway?

8/31/2009 #50
Monochromatic Stains

Its in japanese so I have no clue. lol.

8/31/2009 #51

I find your belief system facinating. ;)


12/29/2009 #52

Um that was not cool. Really really not cool.


3/20/2010 #53
Lord Monbodo

Beppo... truly you are awesome.

12/9/2010 #54

Sense of humour failure, much.

6/15/2012 #55
Boulangerl Lili

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11/24/2014 #56

This is humbly the most foolish, disrespectful, sick, twisted, and Satanic trash that I have ever seen. (You're obviously a troll, but this is too far.)

You made Jesus look like a cannibal. Jesus is Love. Jesus is God. Jesus is against Abortion. FOR THE LOVE OF TODD RUNDGREN, Jesus doesn't EAT babies! That is just filthy and disgusting!

12/6/2014 #57
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