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Some errors I saw from the last chapter of Night School.

"She stepped back and saw the grass was little with piles of ash. She frowned; the creatures turned the ash when killed, so many must have all died together." - I think the first word is supposed to be "littered". The second should be "to".

"Natalie found herself is a smooth tunnel of darkness. " - "in"

"Suddenly her perked up and turned toward the altar." - "she"

'"are the Ten Exquisite Sovereigns, the first an mightiest of Rireishi's disciples."' - "and"

10/31/2010 #31

Errors from chapter 1 of Steel Strawberry:

First off, in the opening basketball scene there were a couple of details with the actual content of the story that struck me as odd. For one, I know very little about the game, but 18-17 seems awfully low for a basketball score, even a girl's high school team. Not a big thing, it just stuck out to me for some reason. Another thing is Lucozade; It's a British product. I've never seen it in stores or heard about it for sale in the American market. If it is available, it's not a common thing that would typically be provided to a high school team for refreshment.

On to actual errors, we have these:

"No matter what she wore, such as the red sweater, long reddish-brown skirt, and black stockings, Melody always looked adorably petite, and feeling of serenity came from her that helped Danni relax." - two errors here. First is in the first half of the sentence; it's left out that the outfit described is what Melody is currently wearing. Second, is that "feeling" should either be plural or "a feeling" to fit the sentence.

"Anyone who tired to touch her though got a beat-down." - "tried"

"What would you like to when we get to the party?" - missing the word "do".

"I will work," Mama said firmly - "It"

"Franxi hit the smooth floor hard." - Fraxi

"He sound of shattering glass startled her, and something large crashed into the street in front of her, something hot and wet splashing her face." - "The"

"You look sacred enough to pee yourself," - "scared"

""Does she have car ears?" the human driver woman asked."- "cat"

"I can't holding this kid." - missing something; "keep holding" maybe.

"The woman was astonishingly beautiful; she had creamy brownish skin suggesting a bend of all skin tones." - "blend"

""Our enemy," Dététer said." - "Déméter"

12/16/2010 #32
Lord Slayer

Here's what I found for Steel Strawberry:

"Melody pouted. She wished her friend shared the same delight... Her favorite would always be the original series." - You're getting into exposition here, and mostly unnecessary exposition at that, expecially when it starts getting into why other people like it and why she doesn't like Next Generation as much as the original. I suggest either cutting or greatly reducing this paragraph. - - Oh, and by the way: PICARD, PICARD, PICARD, PICARD!

"In the foyer to her left were a series of tarnished, brash postboxes." - It should be "was," instead of "were," and I believe you meant "brass postboxes," instead of "brash," ones. Didn't know that they could be reckless, lol.

"On the scratched kitchen counter was a radio and a cardboard box with some kind of cheese and tomato pie covered in strips of bacon...A boxy television set was on a small stand, showing a man with a mustache speaking from a desk." - It seems very odd that Fraxi knows what a radio, a laptop and a televiosion is, but doesn't know about pizza. I'm not sure if that was an oversight on your part or not, but it just seems a bit odd to me.

"Calm down," Fraxi said, "Humans just don't know the signifigance of what they found." - I'd put a "The," right before "humans."

"Perhaps not, Megumi, but I can always blackmail her with the knowledge that we know she's been doing illegal experimentation with Tiranno." - This sentence is a bit cluttered. First, I definetly suggest cutting out "with the knowledge," because that's really unnecessary and interrupts the flow of the sentence. Personally, I'd go a step farther and just end it at "blackmail her," because the audience already knows why, but I also have this thing against redundancy, so if you don't mind reminding the readers what they can blackmail Eisenbergh about, then that's fine too.

"She was cut off by a blinding surge of agony. She arched her pain and screamed, her eyes bulging from her sockets." - lol, I think you meant "She arched her back in pain and screamed."

"I only did enough testing to see it nerves could be repaired." - "If," instead of "It."

"Fraxi trembled, her ears darting from the corpse of poor Ruby to the evil Nekomata, her split il swaying dangerously." - Unless there's something rather important about Fraxi's biology that you forgot to mention, then I think you meant "ears," instead of "eyes," lol. Also, the way you added "Her split tail swaying dangerously," makes it seems like you're talking about Fraxi's tail, and I'm sure that can't be right because you never mentioned her having one. I also think that that particular phrase is unnecessary anyway, so I'd recommend taking it out entirerly.

"I feel Earth's pain. It's own children hurt it by accident, but invaders than mean to torture and subjugate Earth are creeping in. Earth needs a champion to protect it." - First, you used "than," instead of "that." Second, you use "Earth," three times when you could have used "it," "planet," world," etc. for one or two of the others. Finally, the last bit doesn't need "to protect it," it works pretty well as just "Earth needs a champion."

"I ask you, child, will you accept my power and become our champion." - Forgot the question mark at the end.

"Hallucination or not, Danni wasn't letting that thing approach any closer." - You don't really need "approach," or "any closer," together in the same sentence. Go with one or the other, or something

12/18/2010 #33

Thank very much for finally posting any mistakes or complaints in here. This will make it easy to return to.

The Star Trek mention was just there to establish Melody's personality. I don't think I've ever watched any episodes of The Next Generation myself, just one of the movies based on it. I was basing Melody's complaints off of an engineer who likes to compare Star Wars and Star Trek. He liked the apparent humanistic and atheistic elements, but disliked the apparent communistic elements of The Next Generation. I think this shows Melody wants to live on a spaceship, exploring new places and having science and humanism solve most of life's mysteries.

The rest I need to fix

12/20/2010 #34
Lord Slayer

Muscle Cuties, first chapter:

When Yuu Fukune get their cameo, you said that Kokoro "...watched as a handsome boy named with messy black hair Yuu Magaki...." - Of course, that "named" should be moved to right after "hair," lol.

Tina Ledford's intro: "the lasso them and retrieve the secret plans." - Should be "Then lasso them,"

When Kokoro feels like she's being watched in the park: "There was a chill on her..." Not sure if its a mistake or not, but I'm really not liking the use of "on" in this case. Different, yes, but also a little strange.

When Kokoro first meets Princess Prin: "Elbow-length silver gloves covered her forearms, and a large silver bow was tired to her back." - "Tied," instead of "tired."

"'Are you all right?' Kokoro asked gently. The girl might've been in shock. It was best to act reassuringly." - I'd go with plain old "reassuring" instead of "reasuuringly."

When Prin gives Kokoro her Gemme Lunaire: "It was a featureless white and looked like a large marble." - Are you missing a "stone" after "white?" Are perhaps remove the "a" from before "featureless?" Or are is the "featureless," describing the "white?"

When Dambini attacks: "A scream welled up in Kokoro's breast, but she didn't dare scream and give herself away. " - I'd take out the second "scream," you don't really need it.

When Kokoro first transforms: "...a word appeared in her mind. It flashed into though for a second, but was gone before she knew what it was." - "It flashed into through?" I'm not really sure what you're trying to say here. I get what you're trying to say overall with the sentence, its just that that particular phrase is so...odd.

"Her fist stopped interrupted the monster's stab, the limb bending painfully." - Get rid of "stopped."

Dambini taunting Kokoro right before he gets pummeled: ""Big deal! You don't know what you're doing, do you!"" - Question mark instead of exclamation point

12/25/2010 #35

I see this is much worse than I remember. Thank you for going through that mess.

12/25/2010 #36
Lord Slayer

No problem.

12/26/2010 #37
Lord Slayer

Muscle Cuties Chapter 2:

When Kokoro takes food up to Prin- "She opened the door and closed it behind her, locking as she did so." - Add "it" after "locking."

"There was a quiet shuffling, and Prin-chan crept out from behind a textbook propped up against the wall being used as a makeshift shelter." - The second half of the sentence feels a little awkward. "...crept out from behind a textbook propped up against the wall being used as a makeshift shelter." I think you need to split this sentence into two, the second one beginning after textbook, in which you then explain how the textbook is being used.

Prin explaining the master-servant relationship- "'However, the law is still binding; you officially are my servant...'" - I'd go with "you are officially my servant."

"Kokoro sunk into the water, angry and frightened...." - I'd go with "sank," and and maybe add a "deeper," right after that.

"'So you make my body go weird, make me fight monsters, and declaire me your servant for life...'" - "Declare," not "declaire."

Prin explaining the origin of the Gemmes Lunaire- "'Exactly. Séléné and Diane granted us some of their strength the Gemmes Lunaires, turning those who accepted it into mighty warriors.'" - Slight tense confusion. Gemmes Lunaires is plural, so the proper pronoun should be "them," not "it." Also, the bit with "...some of their strength the Gemmes Lunairs..." is kind of odd. I'd change it to either "their strength with...," or "their strength in the form of..."

"'...Our hospitals were flooded with victims and we couldn't find a common cure...'" What do you mean "common cure?" That seems rather open ended. If you don't want their to be no cure at all, then maybe "efficiant," or "effective," might work better, but if that's not the case then just leave it as "we couldn't find a cure."

Kokoro's sudden transformation comming to an end- "Immediately, Kokoro felt the effects suddenly cease." - You don't need "immediately," and "suddenly" in the same sentence.

"She glanced warily at the little princess and smiled." - I'm guessing what you meant was "wearily," as in she was tired, not "warily," as in she was suspicious.

12/26/2010 #38
Lord Slayer

Sorry, I tried to do Chapter 3, but the post got interrupted and I lost everything. Sorry.

Muscle Cuties Chapter 4-

"Even with mountainous muscles bigger than any female body-builder Tatsumi had admired and fantasized about..." - "Or" works better than "and" in this case.

"'...If one showed up hear then others can too.'" - "Here," not "hear."

"It looked extremely unimpressive for all the power it was supposed to hold." - I'd go with "rather," or nothing at all instead of "extremely."

"Prin sat quietly in the handbag, all alone save for her thoughts. Well, Asagiri was just outside, but they couldn't talk" - Delete the second sentance, and "alone with her thoughts," would probably sound better.

"Tatsumi shock registered clearly on her face at the question." - Forgot the possesive on "Tatsumi."

"'Prin-chan,' she started, 'there are all these white creatures trying to get in the house.'" - Forgot to capitalize "there."

"He swing forward annihilated the bats in a pink blaze." - "Her," instead of "he."

"...Tatsumi gasped how her body overflowed with power." - Add an "at," after "gasped."

"The world seemed to explode as she knocked to the side ..." - Add a "was" after "as."

"She leapt from her place of her stairs with Héroïne held high, ready to bisect the monster." - "On the," instead of "of her."

"He wriggling disgustingly like a fish gasping for breath." - "Wriggled," instead of "wriggling," and add a comma after "disgustinly."

"Night walked out the door. Fukune followed, but she thought she heard a creaking sound, faintly." - "Heard a faint creaking sound," would probably work better.

"No, they way they were talking they expected something." - Add "as if," after the third "they," and get rid of the first "they were."

12/27/2010 #39

I am wondering how I make these mistake, and why you are catching them after someone else already went over them. This is bad how two people miss all of these mistakes.

12/27/2010 #40
Lord Slayer

lol, not really. It happens more often than we expect. I think most typos are missed because while reading our minds sometimes automatically filter out all but the most glaring errors, and it can happen even when you're looking for errors.

I still find mistakes when I read back over material that I've proof-read before, so its nothing to be ashamed of.

12/27/2010 #41
Lord Slayer

Muscle Cuties Chapter 5:

"She was glad she dispatched some more Lunatics to take care of their little problem on Earth before hand." - Add a "had" after the second "she."

"She was glad she already dispatched Qayqui's forces to Earth..." - Same thing.

"...You said your grandmother gave you that brooch. Why does Oodori have a similar one?'" - "Why does Shiozaki have a similar one?" you mean, lol.

"She looked on the verge of actually enragement to be reminded of her family problem. " - Kind of an...odd phrase. "Actually enragement?"

"Never, in all those years, did she see Tatsumi-chan look so shocked. 'What,' she said flatly." - "Asked," instead of "said."

"'Why don't we all go back to my home for some tea.'" - Question mark instead of period.

"'Hello Sachiko. Please prepare some us some tea and some wagashi for us.'" - Change the second sentence to "Please prepare us some tea and wagashi," or "Please prepare some tea and wagashi for us."

"'So Shiozaki,' she started, 'will you have your belongings brought over here?'" - Capitalize "will."

"She opened the door and returned to her friend." - Make "friend" plural.

"'Yes, I am interested,' Mai-chan answered truthfully." - The "truthfully" isn't necessary, as we already know it to be so.

"'These two girls,' Prin-chan said, 'have agreed to be my servants...'" - Captalize "Have."

" Mai-chan simply gave her and incredulous look. " - "An" instead of "and."

"'Yes,' Tatsumi-chan answered. 'I don't like serving her, but the save her kingdom...'" - "But to save," instead.

"'Your story-telling is amusing,' Mai-chan said, 'but I've heard better. Really, what—'" - Hmmm, I'm not sure now if its just stylistic or you are forgetting to capitalize the first letter of resumed dialogue. I know that some people do choose not to when they right, but most do, and I haven't noticed you doing it a lot in your other stories, but I have been in this one for some reason; albeit inconsistently.

"She indicated one of the grubs scrounging around, having not noticed them. They're just dumb animals. The Cocons are much more dangerous, being able to shoot you from a distance.'" - You forgot a quotation mark before "They're."

"The top buckled from the impact, and the beast was send toppling over." - "Sent," instead of "send."

" Her clothes were replaced by geta, tabi, a blue divided hakama, and short blue haori with sarashi covering her breasts." - I'd change the "and," into "with a."

"She didn't feel any less feminine for her strength either; rather, she felt womanlier than ever before." - "Womanlier?" Try more "womanly," instead.

"'This is fantastic!' she laughed. "She wanted to spend more time discovering the secrets of her new body, but that had to wait. She now had her duty as a Chevalier." - Remove quotation mark from in front of the second "she."

"She whipped some sliver slime over her breasts and grimaced." - "Wiped," instead of "whipped."

"Kumonspi punched Prin-chan across the left of her head. Prin-chan remained a dignified silence, not crying out or making any sound." - "Maintained," instead of "remained," and I kinda think the "not crying out or making a sound," is redundant. If not then "Or making a sound," certainly is.

12/27/2010 #42

"She didn't feel any less feminine for her strength either; rather, she felt womanlier than ever before." - "Womanlier?" Try more "womanly," instead.

"Womanlier" is a real word. It is apparently more correct to say than "more womanly".

12/27/2010 #43
Lord Slayer

...Huh. Didn't know that.

12/28/2010 #44
Lord Slayer

Muscle Cuties Chapter 6:

"Prin-chan had been very excited over that, and Kokoro had gone over the main floor with her new power activate." - Do you mean "active?"

"'You've worked hard tonight. I'll stay here too from now on too.'" - I recommend deleting the second "too." It's not really necessary.

"I know we gotta save Pleine Lune and everything," Tatsumi-chan grumbled, "but our school work's gonna suffer if this becomes a regular thing." - Capitalize "But."

"Pedrolina the Pretty Clown took an extravagant bow. "I've come," she said, "to bring you some news that may be of interest." - Capitalize "To."

"'Don't worry about me," Qayqui said. "I take care of a little problem like that. You humans don't have to worry.'" - Change to "I can take care of a little problem like that."

"only a princess from the Moon would chose a name like "Kaguya Himenogi" as an alias. Why would she want to go to St. Jeanne though?" - Capitalize "only." Oh, and I forgot to ask this in the review, but what does "Kaguya Himenogi" translate to? I know that "Hime" is "princess," but that's the only one there that I know. Maybe you should add that to the author's note for that chapter, and/or the knowledge compilation.

"When she noticed Kokoro and Prin-chan watching her, she gave them a smile. " - lol, you mean "Kokoro and Tatsumi-chan."

"Ledford was terrific volleyball player." - Add an "a" after "was."

"Kokoro gasped, eyes napping wide." - "Snapping," instead of "napping."

" She felt like she was in the middle of battle." - Add an "a" after "of."

"Kokoro pealed off her sweaty shirt before it could be destroyed. " - "Peeled," not "pealed." "Pealed," is in reference to a sound, usually bells.

"Prin noticed some more Virions coming out from behind the trees, surrounding the the three bullies. " - You have two "the"s right next to eachother at the end.

"She conjured a living snake of golden fire streaked into the left side of the Monstre." - Add a "which," after "fire."

"'This many Chevaliers are annoying though! I'm leaving.'" - "Is annoying," not "are annoying."

12/28/2010 #45
Lord Slayer

Muscle Cuties Chapter 7:

"Other children noticed this, and other children tend to make fun of people who were different from them. " - I don't really think the second "other children," is really necessary.

"She has just purchased a new doll of Tiffany Chambers-chan..." - "Had," instead of "has."

"'They—they stole my figure…and are trying to…doing something bad to me!'" - "Do something," instead of "doing something."

"'Hey, that's Tiffany-chan from Love in Moonlight! I saw an English fan-sub of that and I got my dad's company to acquire it for English translation! He's having it dubbed right now.'" - You've already used "english," so you can probably leave "translation" without the other one.

"The system had it's downsides..." - In this case it should be just plain "its," since "it is," wouldn't make sense here.

"Night winced at the kind of weapon that had to have been used on the girl. She hoped the police could catch whoever hurt the poor girl." - I'd put a "had," after "hurt."

"As Night closed the door behind her after exiting, she wondered if anyone was noticing how people seemed to recover faster at St. Thomas than usual. " - "After exiting" is kind of redundant.

"Night wanted as close to a normal human life as she could, but her need to help other lead her to use some of her magical abilities to aid humans as subtlety as possible." - Make "other" plural.

"Prin-chan looked Ledford coolly in the eye, not intimidated by the tall girl. 'I can't tell you where that Monstre went,' she said, 'but I can give you the strength to destroy it.'" - Capitalize "But."

"'So, I can be heroine for justice with this rock? I think I like that.'" - "A heroine for justice."

"Ledford's breasts, biceps, triceps, abdominal muscles, trapezius muscles, hips, and thighs all expanded fantastically." - Is it really necessary to list all of these?

"White boots appear on her powerful legs, and red gloves appeared on her arms. " - "Appeared," instead of "appear," plus you don't really need the second "appeared," as the first can cover both halves of the sentence.

"'Hold on!' Mai-chan shouted. 'Change back to your normal first! We don't want to get too much attention.'" - I think you meant "...To your normal form first!"

"Tatsumi-chan nodded. 'Sure, to .'" - Umm, I think you can delete the "to." I'm really not sure what it's doing there to be honest, lol.

"Tatsumi-chan's dislike of Mai-chan wasn't anything new, and Kokoro hoped they continued to work together with getting too vicious. Hopefully Mai-chan would learn that Tatsumi-chan was a good person and they could become friends in time." - "Without getting too vicious."And isn't it the other way around, Tatsumi thinking that Mai isn't a good person?

" 'Well,' he said to Meigado, 'do you feel like dinner?'" - Captitalize "do."

12/28/2010 #46
Lord Slayer

Muscle Cuties Chapter 8:

"Kokoro felt sick when she though about those words. She tried to imagine going succumbing to a disease that slowly turned people into demonic creatures" - "Thought," instead of "though." Get rid of "going."

"Kokoro was silent. She wished she had to fortitude of Tatsumi-chan." - "The," instead of "to."

"I'll be glad to be able heal instead of hurt, she thought. She hoped there wouldn't be any fighting at the hospital." - "To heal."

"'Excuse me, Receptionist-san,' Kokoro asked, 'but you direct us to where Otome Atarashi-san and a group of injured boys from the park are?'" - Capitalize "But."

"Kaguya-chan screamed. Kokoro looked for her and saw the other ill boy and grabbed her from behind, laughing manically." - A little confusing. Change the second half to "...and watched as the other boy grabbed her from behind with a manic laugh," or something thereabouts.

"The two girl released him and he sagged into the bed, unconscious." -"Girls," not "girl."

"For such a slender woman she her strength seemed enormous." - Get rid of "she."

"She said on another bed and began to explain." - "Sat," instead of"said."

"'Otome-chan,' she began, 'how would you like to help me save the Moon and maybe Earth too?' - Capitalize "How."

"Tatsuki glared at the alien girl. How many slaves was she going to take before she was satisfied? Tatsuki was beginning to feel like a dog, having to wear that degrading choker all the time. " - lol, you had "Tatsuki," instead of "Tatsumi." Twice, lol.

"'I'm very sorry,' Tsukigami said, 'but I have important things to do.'" - Capitalize "but."

12/28/2010 #47
Lord Slayer

Gaah, screwed up on the last one and lost it. Sorry about that.

Very good on this one. Hardly any errors at all.

Chapter 10:

"Where did she keep going that kept her so later?" - "Late," instead of "later."

"Youko stayed behind her a comfortable distance, good at following people when she needed to." - Add "at," after "her," and a "she was," after "distance."

"'...My kingdom's been overrun by monsters, and we seek to reclaim it. Complicating matters though is that some people close to us have been captured by an organization called the S.G.P. My family is in danger, my Chevalier Tatsumi Shiozaki's family is in danger, and Tsukigami-san's family is in danger.'" - The end of this phrase is a bit redundant. Maybe you should just clump all of the "-'s family is in danger"s together into one sentence.

"'This change in irreversible! This little girl had better be a good fighter!'" - "Is," instead of "in."

"'I wanna do this! I followed you out because I wanted to know why you were acting different, and now that I know you're doing something good I wanna be apart of it! I wanna be with you!'" - Should be "a part," the exact opposite of what you have.

12/28/2010 #48
Lord Slayer

Chapter 11:

"'I can provide an adequate place to train the power of the girls while we try to figure out the best place to enter the S.G.P. headquarters or wherever you need to go.'" - I'd go with just "train the girls," or add an "s" to "power."

"It never occurred to her that Otome-chan might be more than annoyed and mildly sad at the problems she had." - Kind of an odd way to put it. Annoyed and mildly sad? Seems rather like a gross understatement to me, even if this observation is coming from Kokoro's point of view.

"Above her face was mirrored ceiling, allowing her to see just how terrified she was." - Put an "a" after "was."

"They walked and chatted, passing occasional person strolling the sidewalk and pausing to allow a train to pass through." - "...occasionally passing other people/pedestrians," would work a lot better.

"He must've been very confidant to enter first." - "Confident," not "confidant."

"'How do we know you're telling the truth,' Myeong asked." - Question mark after "truth."

"'...I would advice starting with a lighter weight until finding what you're comfortable with.'" - "Advise," instead of "advice."

Oh, and something I forgot to mention in my review for this chapter: I find Myeong to be delightfully arrogant and conceited. I don't know why, but I kind of enjoy self-righteous characters like him who think that everything his group/organization/etc. stands for is the absolute embodiement of truth and justice. That that's usually because such characters tend to have their whole world ripped apart and leave them broken, and that's the part that I take delight in. I'm a little sadistic like that, I guess. But yes, the point is, I find Myeong to be an enjoyable character, and it'll so much fun to see the girls make a fool out of him and his people. I can't wait. =D

12/28/2010 #49

It's Love errors:

"Something yellow and covered in blood-red dot rose from the leaves." - "dots"

"The head lacked eyes and the head flared like a mushroom." - phrase "the head" is repeated. Replace with a pronoun like "it".

"This is a world of sapient life, and you can't so as you please here!" - "do"

"Please, it all up. " - missing a word. "eat" maybe?

"Harumi smiled, the knowledge that she had such a special friend maker her happier than she had ever been." - "made"

" Day turned to night and there was no sign of Frantelly." - "Frantilly"

"It was dark, but she didn't need the lights to maneuver around the drawing and hand-made dolls of teal-haired women with rainbow scarves and blue blazers. Harumi at different ages were with the woman in the drawings." - "drawings"; "was"

"The sent of teak drifted past Harumi." - "scent"

2/14/2011 #50

Thank you very much. All is fixed now. I feel bad for forgetting to work on mistakes in A Light Forgotten though.

2/14/2011 #51

Don't worry about it so much.

Other have been pointing out them in your place. I feel like I made a lot less with the most recent chapter anyway.

2/14/2011 #52
Lord Slayer

For "It's Love."

"Seven-year-old Harumi smiled even though she didn't mean it, and offered the bag of chocolate hearts." - Should have a comma after "smiled."

"The huge worm opened and clothed its hideous mouth, as though smelling the air." - "Closed," not "clothed."

"She wore a blue blazer over black waistcoat and a white undershirt, and baggy striped trousers covered her legs." - Add an "a," after over. Might flow a bit better if you cut the sentence in two after undershirt, just say "Baggy striped trousers covered her legs."

"The woman drew a long, clear tube from her blazer pocket, and deftly scooped the worm into it, fastening a cap over the end." - Delete comma after "pocket."

"'You life's too short to justify adding titles to names.'" - "Your life," not "You life."

"More whirring filled the air, and Harumi noticed blue and red things joined the yellow one." - Put an "as," after "noticed."

"'That the alarm for my Spacetime Yacht.'" - "That's," instead of "that."

"They came to a clearing with a small blue tent, like the ones the homeless people living in the part slept in." - "Park," instead of "part."

"Does a 'Harumi' live her?" - "Here," instead of "her."

"Her imagination brought her nothing but pain during the past nine years." - Would sound better with a "had," after "imagination."

2/16/2011 #53

Oh, and I forgot to ask this in the review, but what does "Kaguya Himenogi" translate to? I know that "Hime" is "princess," but that's the only one there that I know. Maybe you should add that to the author's note for that chapter, and/or the knowledge compilation.

I missed this part. 輝夜 Kaguya means "shining night". It is a reference to the old Japanese story "The Tail of the Bamboo Cutter", where a girl named Kaguyahime is discovered inside a bamboo shoot. She later reveals that she came from the Moon. Mai presumably came up with the alias for Prin.

2/17/2011 #54

Oh, and something I forgot to mention in my review for this chapter: I find Myeong to be delightfully arrogant and conceited. I don't know why, but I kind of enjoy self-righteous characters like him who think that everything his group/organization/etc. stands for is the absolute embodiement of truth and justice. That that's usually because such characters tend to have their whole world ripped apart and leave them broken, and that's the part that I take delight in. I'm a little sadistic like that, I guess. But yes, the point is, I find Myeong to be an enjoyable character, and it'll so much fun to see the girls make a fool out of him and his people. I can't wait. =D

Myeong is very interesting to write, especially after for a long time not knowing what to do with him. I'm glad you are looking forward to his thrashing, although his character development might make him more understandable.

2/17/2011 #55
Lord Slayer

Newest episode of Muscle Cuties:

"'I almost died several times!'" - Should be "nearly," instead of "almost." Just sounds better.

"'Then way are you fighting?' Youko glared at Onee-chan accusingly." - "Why," instead of "way," and since you really should limit your "ly" words, it might sound better as "Youko demanded of Onee-chan with an accusing glare." The "demanded," would make the sentence a little more dynamic as well.

"She stumbled back after yanking it up to quickly and dropped it with a crash. Youko blinked, startled by how light it felt. She had put to much strength into picking up something that felt lighter than the groceries she helped Onee-chan take home." - "Yanking it up to quickly," and "She had put to much strength," should both be with "too."

"'Cool!' Youko gave some experimental thrusts and slashes, satisfied by the weight and feel of her weapons." - I don't really like how this sentence sounds. Maybe "with," instead of "some," and put something in to indicate a short passage of time within the sentence so that it doesn't sound like she's already satisfied with them even though she's just started trying them out.

'There's no way they wouldn't let me join their group! Youko thought. If they're gonna go on an adventure then I am too!' - The first part of this thought sounds a little weird. I understand that it's supposed to be disbelieving, but there's no indication of it.

"Muscle Rogue gasped as Muscle Wisdom triumphantly held the girder aloft, seemingly with little effort." - The "ly," does very little in this. I'd take it out and switch "seeming," and "with," around.

"'How cute!' a deep, gravely woman's voice said sneeringly." - Two "ly,"s. Would work better as "said with a sneer," or whatever dialogue descriptor you want to use there.

"Griffe de Chat were knocked from her hands." - Combine with the previous sentence, this part doesn't work too well by itself.

"She sat up painfully and sat the Lunatic was crushing the green-haired muscle girl with a large hoof." - "Saw," instead of "sat."

"Taking a deep breath, she raised her hands at the Lunatic's back and got ready to intone the spell. Her deathblow would surely disintegrate or at the very least distract the Lunatic." - I'd go with "prepared," instead of "got ready." "Got ready," just doesn't seem like an appropriate phrase for preparing an attack. Also, it would probably work to say "would surely disintegrate the Lunatic," then put in a comma and the part about distracting it, to make it like an afterthought.

"If she can't see me, then I can attack her eyes! The Lunatic looked like she had a thick hide, so attacking her eyes might be the best thing to do." - Make the unitalicized part as a direct quotation of Muscle Rogue's thoughts like the rest of it and put it before what's already italicized. This way it will seem more like she's analyzing the situation more thoroghly.

"Youko watched the other girls carefully. They were clearly thinking over what to make of the story she and Otome-chan just told." - "...had just told."

"'I do think we should allow Youko-chan to practice with us though so we may gauge her abilities.'" - Either take out the "though," or put it at the beginning of the sentence with a comma. Since it's usually used as part of a correction, admition, or an afterthought, it's usually accompanied by one one or more commas.

That's all this time.

3/7/2011 #56

Thank you very much. These shall be addressed.

3/8/2011 #57

A few corrections for the latest one:

"Oh year! It's awesome being alive again!" - This should probably be "yeah"

"Lita, rubbing neck, nodded in agreement." - missing a word, "her"

"We narrowly escaped on of them." - Probably should be "one"

"But we found about its discard for human welfare in developing countries and the cover-ups." - doesn't fit. I think you mean "disregard".

""You're beautiful, Melody." Danni took her friend's hand into her own and squeezed tightly.

Melody looked surprised, then skeptical. "You do? Prove it."" - These two lines don't match up. I think a line of dialog was omitted between them.

"Really? Well I want a show now." - should be "shower"

"You now, a secret identity?" - should be "know"

Additionally, considering the American setting there are a few little things. It's rare that "lift" is ever used as opposed to "elevator" over here. There's also a line that references a "lorry" which is something that means nothing to Americans; I actually had to use a dictionary on that one.

5/12/2011 #58

I see. I still get confused over which terms to use. All right, thank you so much for looking.

5/12/2011 #59

To anyone who cannot access the forum easily anymore, I include links to it and this thread in particular on my profile page to make it easier to reach here.

6/9/2011 #60
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