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Feedback-Story-Hey, Window Boy

Sounds like an interesting short story. I'd read it. Short, sweet, to the point. My kind of read.

1. It's simple in a good way, cause it sounds like a light hearted story. A carefree one, I guess. Perhaps if maybe Luke had friends over who weren't too fond of Noah, or maybe Luke notices Noah making his lists and tries to sneak a peek at them, even though they might be private. *shrugs*

2. Well, use his name in the story, but just keep Luke oblivious. This works well for third person: it's easier to portray Luke's in the dark-ness.

3. Mm... I don't have any. It seems like a nice friendship story, I like it the way it is.

1/31/2010 #31

Is the crazy person story overdone though?

Mm. I've seen it quite a few times, actually. :|

I still think you can pull it off. Just make it your own.

1/31/2010 #32
L. W. Perry

Thanks for the feedback. :) I didn't think about doing third person, but I might consider it now. It's a good idea.

1/31/2010 #33
Thetis of White Isle

Ooh, neat idea. Let me see if I can add any input.

1) Well, depends on your audience. But also, consider this: what are you writing it for as well? Yourself? Your readers? It's going to be about as boring as you make it. Stuff doesn't necessarily have to happen to make reading about it interesting. And everyone's mileage varies on this, so some will like this sort of thing, others won't. I think an idea like this could actually get very complicated, actually. (A character study on one person? Some human beings are simple, but others...not.)

2) This can be fun. I personally like the idea of having an unnamed narrator sometimes. I don't think you have to know the name of someone to be able to relate to them, and if they don't like it, if the other qualities of the story can overcome that initial dislike, they can do it. Personally, I wouldn't mind at all, as long as you get a good feel for Noah, and he isn't just some blank slate. (Though that path has its uses too...)

3) Hmm...a short piece like this? Writing short stories can be tough, especially if you have trouble fitting the ideas into this. I think this sort of story would work for this model...but it sounds a little uncomfortable for Daniel to have someone watching him so closely. How are you going to deal with that situation when that arises? It's a good idea, though.

1/31/2010 #34
Thetis of White Isle

Hmm...when I eventually get back to Tide, I probably will take cutting out that sentence for the summary. Thank you.

On the psychopath bit...well, sometimes there isn't a simple answer like, "Oh, it's just the trauma of his past that makes him act that way." That feels cheap, because there's tons of other people who have faced the same or worse, and they aren't like that, unfeeling monsters. And sometimes, the psychopath doesn't have a criminal history because s/he hasn't actually done anything yet, but they'll notice small things in childhood, like the animal torture or fire-setting. -_-; If you want to explain it by the mental disorder route, then that just goes back to the 'they were born with it' explanation. Most likely, it's a combination of factors such as the abusive past/harsh upbringing and being born with a neurological disorder.

But there are, at times, people who aren't subjected to those types of environs, and they just can bring themselves to realize that other people feel too. As for the the question as to why they let them go into the workplace...well, it's not an easy question to answer. If the person hasn't done anything yet, then you can't just lock them up for what they may do. And to just lock them up, well, if they've been traumatized or born that way, whatever the reason...even if they've committed a crime, after they've done their time, there's actually no legal means to keep them in there, especially if they behave.

Well, I don't even pretend to have all the answers to this. But I just wanted to clarify what I said. You can PM me about this, if you'd like. I wouldn't mind hearing your ideas on the topic, but I just don't want to knock this topic off the trajectory it's supposed to be one anymore than I already have. ^^;

1/31/2010 #35

If you want to explain it by the mental disorder route, then that just goes back to the 'they were born with it' explanation.

That, I agree with.

And nah, it's not that big a deal. Ideas clash, opinions spark opinions, it's how we expand our knowledge base. ;)

Hope all things work out for both your stories, though. :D

2/1/2010 #36
fears up side

story idea- working title

my idea was for a World War 1 time period story, but with magic, i want to give it a steam punk feel, but keep it very similar to a 1917 time period. i have already created the world and I'm getting very in depth with the political situations of the several countries i have created, a friend of mine is also working on characters.

comments/concerns : first off, does anyone think this is a good idea? And can anyone tell me a goodsite for WW1 info, particularly info relating to trench warfare and life in the trenches. also, does anyone know a good steam punk art site so i can get some inspiration for creating some of the machines(i.e. i want to Canter(one of the nations) to have walking spider tanks)

2/7/2010 #37

Story Idea - "The Umbrella Ballade"

Summary: The story centers around a very selfabsorbed teen who's having the time of her life. She's got the looks, the brains, head of the cheerleading team and dating the most popular guy in school. She's a not-so-nice person and frequently bullies a childhood friend whom she's grown apart from. However, one day she's responsible for this victim of her bullying to end up in the hospital (don't want to reveal how), and through her own guilt she starts coming to the hospital every day and starts to get to know him allover again, developing a sort of Florence Nightinggale syndrome, something her actual boyfriend and friends aren't too happy about.

My conserns...

1. The story is still SO so rough. I just have an outline and brief grasp of the characters... but does it sound at all worth reading if I decided to sit down and really give my all to write it?

2. I'm not sure in which direction to take it. The title and summary would suggest major drama, but I'm a comedy writer and have never been able to write anything without cracking a joke in the first paragraph. Could it still work as a comedy-ish story?

3. One idea I didn't mention in the summary that I'm still hesitant of adding is that the main character bullies this guy because she has a crush on him... but it seems very middle-school, and these are suppose to be high school kids.

2/15/2010 #38

FEEDBACK - Helouise - [The Umbrella Ballade]

Comments: I like the idea--most of the stories on here are about the girl who doesn't quite fit in, so this is nice to have it the other way around. The love triangle-thing at the end in the hospital also sounds like a nice plot line, and the readers could get really interested in it. Have you read Jodi Picoult's book Nineteen Minutes? It also chronicles the story of a popular girl and the fallout between her and a childhood friend. (I love that book) If you have, make sure you steer it away of that plotline... but it looks like it won't be too similar.

1) Definitely sounds worth reading. And I'm a beta--feel free to contact me about characterization or plotline or anything. I'm good with that stuff.

2) This could definitely work as a comedy--it would help the self-absorbed character be more realistic and relateable and not annoying to the reader. Also, the part with the hospital could turn into a sort of dark comedy.

3) Honestly, I'm in high school now, and the only difference between the way people act in high school and middle school is that they're better at covering stuff up in high school :P I see where you're coming from that it could be considered middle school, but maybe your character could acknowledge that in some joking way.

I totally love this idea and I'd definitely read it! Let me know if you have any questions :)

2/15/2010 #39

Feedback - fears up side - [working title]

Comments: That is such an interesting idea. The steam punk feel and WWI/magic could lead to a very interesting story, and I'd definitely read it! The premise of WWI is so interesting in itself, and if it's set in a different world, it could lead to so many lessons about the meaning of country and alliances and war and such.

1) This is a very good site about the specifics of the war. I've used it for school before. You can get specifics about people, events, items, places, and just about anything else:

here is the link to the trench warfare page.

2) I'm not exactly sure what you're looking for in terms of steam punk art website, but here is an interesting one I found: The stuff reminds me a lot of Around the World in 80 Days-type thing.

These are also kind of cool:

This is such a cool idea, and I'd love to help if you need anything else.

2/15/2010 #40

Story idea - Midnight Thieves (probably not going to be the actual title)

I'm writing this from a prompt that is set in medieval times with princes and princesses and balls, but I will probably modernize it to have the 'Prince' be some son of some big-wig or something. But for now I'll refer to him as the 'Prince.' The prompt is that a family of theives is invited to a Prince's ball, the girl has to pick his pocket or steal the queen's jewels or something, and ends up falling in love with the prince. Kind of cliche, but I can't change it. So here is what I'm thinking: basicaly, a girl is living alone in the city with her older and younger brothers--their parents died when they were younger and the oldest brother was old enough to legally take care of them. They all work lots of jobs after school (or full time) but they still barely get by with paying the rent and getting money for food, so they are all expert pickpockets. Sometimes they'll just sit on the subway all day and pick pockets or trail people around the city. One day they get an invitation to the 'Prince's' ball and they are in desperate need of money for something (maybe hospital bills for the youngest sibling? I need an idea...) so they see this as an opportunity. They all dress up and tell the girl that she has to seduce the 'Prince'. Since she's grown pickpocketing with her brothers her entire life, she's kind of a hard-a** and doesn't like the idea, but she knows they need the money so she goes ahead with it. This is the part where I need some help-- they're at the ball and she's determined not to like the Prince, but she ends up falling in love with him.


1) What is the best way to modernize it? And who should the 'prince' be? And I'm still trying to figure out how the girl and her family would get the invitation to the ball.

2) I need to figure out a reason why they need the Prince's money so bad, and so the readers will be able to sympathize with the family

3) The ending is very shaky--should I have the 'Prince' like her immediately and her not like him? Should I have her like him immediately and him not like her? Or them both like each other immediately? Or neither? I sort of need to figure out a conflict for the end

4) Should this be a oneshot or longer? How long do you think I should make it? I don't want to stretch it out...

2/15/2010 #41

Story Idea: C.H.A.N.C.E (not published anywhere online yet)


Erika is a daughter of a powerful samurai family in ancient Japan and Aizawa is her cousin who was taken into the family when his parents die. Despite them being blood related and the age difference, they love each other. Because a fake rumor breaks loose, Aizawa was forced to jump off cliff in order to cover for Erika's family but his identity was found out anyways. His body disappears mysteriously, and Erika later commits suicide. She falls into another dimension where there is a modern/future-like talk show that gives her a chance to live again as someone else in out modern day time. She refuses and gets into a fight with the show's host and winds up accepting the offer by accident, but they both wind up in our dimension living in the same house; Erika goes to school and her courage teaches everyone a meaningful lesson. For the first time she has friends and start showing interest in other guys, but the problem is that the enemies that were chasing her from older era has found their way to the future and also there are gangs that don't like her (for unknown reasons). etc.


1. The a little not quite right? I made it C.H.A.N.C.E because for the talk/game show, they award chances for a price. Those who take offer have to discover what the individual words in "chance" means.

2. Given what I said above, is it cramming too many ideas into one story?

3. Does the summary (which does not include the various friendship and love problems) sound really, really corny? If yes, is there a way to improve it?

4. There will have to be a lot of fight scenes, but I don't have much experiences with them are there any works/books I can read that would help me?

5. Would anyone read a story like this? While I do want to write it anyways, I'm just considering if I should put it as a high priority or if there are ways to make it more interesting, it'll help.


2/17/2010 #42

@Firefly114: Thank you for the comments, ideas and critique!

I haven't read (or heard of) Nineteen Minutes, but I'll definitely check it out. I live in Sweden but I often have my local library order in books in their original languages, so thanks both for the allusion and the tip fora possibly great book! Books about popular girls are scarce, eys, and that's why I've always felt like writing one, since I never could connect with a outsider type of character... But my idea is still so rough, I'm sure I can salvage most of it and not make it too similar to Jodi Picoult's story.

I'm glad making it a comedy doesn't sound too far-fetched... because the self-absorbed popular girl would be the center of it (whom I named Cree, if you're wondering). And about the whole middle-school/high school debate xD ...I'm in first year of high school, and it feels like I just left the (as we say in a proverb I come from) "Love always starts with a fight". I think I might possibly leave that alone, unless I can sneak in something to make it work.

2/17/2010 . Edited 2/17/2010 #43

Yay, people helping each other! :D

Feedback-Story Idea-Midnight Thieves

Comments-This is definitely a story I would want to read. It just sounds... mysterious and exciting. The premise is also interesting, however, I don't know how modern you want to make the story, because I don't know that many pickpockets today. Though, that's probably a good thing in my case. XD

1) Hmm. You could have it that it's like one of those house opening parties or whatever. You know, like when a museum or something opens and anyone who's anyone gets invited to wine and dine and look around? Maybe I'm just being crazy, but what if the 'prince' was a pickpocket in disguise? O: okay, I'll stop. xD Ehh, perhaps he's the son of the owner of the house/business. Maybe he's an ambassador from another state or something...

As for how they got the invite... what if one of them pickpocketed someone who was intended to go to the ball/whatever? It could work. :/

2) Eh, what if they oldest brother was getting married and wanted to get his wife a ring? Or you could stick with the sick younger brother. That's all I got.

3) Well, that most likely depends on the characters. You'll eventually figure out how they fall in love as the story progress.

4) I couldn't possibly see this story being a one shot, sorry. xD A story of perhaps 8-10 chapters could work, though, depending on your style of writing.

Good luck on this story. When you get to it, PM me. I'd love to read it! :D

2/17/2010 #44

Response to VelvetyCheerio

I started the first chapter and it's set in a modern city--I'm imagining New York City (my mom got pickpocketed there once! someone tried to steal her purse) but I'm never going to mention that it's New York--I'll just leave that up to the readers' imaginations--and most of the pickpocketing will go on in the subway.

1) After I posted, I had this idea that he would be the son of a politician or something, and that his dad was accused of swindling money from the government which would be ironic. And the politician would throw this ball to get on everyone's good side again, so originally I thought they'd invite the entire district, but I don't want a bunch of hobos invited to the ball, so i absolutely LOVE the idea of them pickpocketing someone who has the invitation in their pocket. Definitely going to use that!

2) Whoa. You're like reading my mind here--I just added in a steady girlfriend for the oldest brother and she's always around helping and stuff. So that could work, because I don't really want to have to deal with making one of the characters sick because then everything would just get turned upside down. I just hope people will be able to sympathize with the fact that they're going to steal something really expensive in order to buy a ring...

3) Yeah, I'll figure it out..

4) 8-10 seems like a promising length. It has a 10,000 word limit, anyway.

Thanks so much for your help! I'll definitely PM you when the first chapter's up--probably sometime later on in the week.

2/17/2010 #45

I'm only in the early planning stages on this one so I apologize if this is confusingly vague. I tried to make it as understandable as possible.

Story Idea: Baby

I pretty much only have a concept for a main character for this story. No name yet but she is a young woman, maybe late teens or early twenties. Obviously she's at that age when she wants to head off into the world, figure out what her life's gonna be about, look for romance, etc. She looks and acts like a normal girl her age but (possibly) unbeknownst to her she's actually much much older than anyone thinks she is. It's uncertain when exactly she was born but it was centuries before the story takes place... She always ages to her twenties or so, gets married, and has a baby like any wife is supposed to. But after giving birth to one child with her husband of the time, she begins to age backwards, rapidly regressing to being a newborn herself. After that, she ages forward again until the cycle repeats itself.

I've got a few different ways I could take this story and I'm not sure which would be most interesting. 1. The man who raised her is actually her last husband. She thinks of him as her father or guardian but he's actually her old lover. He wants her to be his wife again but she obviously thinks that's creepy so she tries to sever all ties with him. She goes off into the world and finds a guy she really likes and they get engaged. Suddenly the old husband shows up and chaos ensues. I like this one because I think I could get all sorts of emotional drama into the situation, plus I'd be able to keep the secret from her for a fairly long time. I'm just worried that her unique identity might get lost behind the creepiness of her father-husband. 2. In a full-on scifi setting, she's aware of what she is because her father/husband told her what was going on a long time before. Somehow (not sure how yet) someone discovers there's something strange about her DNA, particularly that she's like 18 and somehow passed on her genes to thousands of descendants. This creates a big stir in the medical/science community and they want to study her to figure out how she's lived so long, etc. Afraid she'll spend the rest of her life being poked and prodded by scientists, she tries to hide from the world. Probably not successfully. 3. In this one, she's a foundling because the father-husband couldn't stand to raise his wife as his daughter. This time she's obsessed with history because she dreams of the past so much. In her dreams, she has brief flashes of memories from all the 'lives' she's lived before. She doesn't understand why this is but she's curious about it. She meets a young woman about her age who thinks she's the main character's sister. She (main character) discovers who she is when she finds out the girl is actually her daughter. My big concern with this one is that I don't think I could get much more than a short story out of it and I really wanted it to be a longer story.


1. Obviously my ideas are all over the place and rather vague. Still, which idea do you think is most interesting or maybe most coherent? I don't have a genre I'm really set on so I could probably write any of them but I'm really curious which you'd want to read.

2. I hate my working title and I never write without a good idea what my title will be. I was trying to think of something that describes what's happening to her or the fact that she's this crazy-prolific mother but nothing I could come up with really worked. Does anyone have any ideas?

3. What do you think of this character concept? Is it confusing, interesting, too bizarre to be taken seriously, what?

4. Do you think the story, whichever one I choose to write, should include a romance? I think it's an important way of showing the cycle continuing but it might also distract from whatever emotional drama her identity actually causes. What do you think?

5. Are there any other directions you could see this character going? I'm open to other potential plot scenarios if my description made you think of one. :) If you answer this one, keep the description as vague as possible 'cause I like a good challenge AND then if you really like the idea you could also write it if you want to.

6/1/2010 #46

Feedback-Story Idea-Baby

Opinion: Well, I'm not sure what you're really going for with this idea of her aging backwards. Is this some sort of curse? Is she an alien? I really think there needs to be an explanation for this, because even in a sci-fi setting, if she's the only one experiencing this, then she's an anomaly. I mean, aging backwards in a normal situation doesn't make much sense to me... :/

1. Obviously my ideas are all over the place and rather vague. Still, which idea do you think is most interesting or maybe most coherent? I don't have a genre I'm really set on so I could probably write any of them but I'm really curious which you'd want to read.

I'm with you. The first one was definitely more structured than the last two, particularly because I could see the conflict in the first one. The second just sound like a "on the run" type of story that could go on forever, and the third one had a plot, but no conflict, so... I'd say stick with the first idea.

I hate my working title and I never write without a good idea what my title will be.

Haha! I was going to suggest you just write the story and think of the title later, but... yeah, that won't work. :/

Does anyone have any ideas?

I got nothing. D:

What do you think of this character concept? Is it confusing, interesting, too bizarre to be taken seriously, what?

Like I said before, there needs to be an explanation behind the idea or else it will be too bizarre to be taken seriously.

Do you think the story, whichever one I choose to write, should include a romance? I think it's an important way of showing the cycle continuing but it might also distract from whatever emotional drama her identity actually causes. What do you think?

Are there any other directions you could see this character going? I'm open to other potential plot scenarios if my description made you think of one. :) If you answer this one, keep the description as vague as possible 'cause I like a good challenge AND then if you really like the idea you could also write it if you want to.

See, my idea would be combine one and two so that you could in some way mention the whole aging thing without actually having to make her go through it. Maybe she needs a blood test, maybe she gets pregnant and no one knows who the father is. It's up to you.

Good luck with the story, though! :) I hope it works out for you.

6/2/2010 #47

Story Idea: "Voices" (

Summary: Basically it's about this white collar office worker who is being tortured by his schizophrenia(a voice in his head) that convinces him to kill his boss, who he hates.


1) It's a one-shot, and I want to make it longer.

2) I'm also wondering if I should make it where the Voice is taking over the man's body...somehow..

3) Also, should I expand upon the man's life? Inside and outside the office? Past? Present?

I don't know...I wrote this a long time ago(three years now, I think...) and I recently read it and wanted to fix all the things with it, but I'm wondering if it's worth it. Please let me know.


7/15/2010 #48

Story Idea: Mute(Posted first chapter as a character descriptions but i have a more detailed(including personality and history) one in my profile) Summary: It's about a 15 year old girl from a small town who wants to be a singer and gets her chance on her 16th birthday only to be in an accident and looses her voice(Whether permanent or not is still being decided) and tries to find ways to make it a reality despite her condition. Concerns/Comments: (1) I unsure on where i should begin the story. Should i start the day before she gets in the accident or afterwards and start from there? Should i include a prologue or something so readers won't get confused. (2) Since she can't speak i want to have her use a blank book and a pen to write have dialogue but i don't know how to incorporate it to look natural. (3) She goes through a small identity crisiswhen she loses her voice and I'm wondering if this is a little out there for an idea. She identifies with her voice and now that its gone, she looses hope but regains it. Does this seem like a plausible idea or a little too unbelievable. I want the story to flow naturally but since this is my first story on here and a first with a main female character. I want her to have a distinct voice away from the rest of the group.

I'm also unsure on how to begin the story. How the opening should be and if this story seems a little out there for most people's taste. Would this idea be well liked if i post it and will any one actually read it.

7/17/2010 . Edited 7/21/2010 #49
Kinola's an upcoming idea of mine.

What We Did this Summer

Summary: Summer is here, and things are all but going good for siblings Justin and Vicki Lincoln. While having a pool party with their closest friends, their younger brother Basil finds a way to ruin the whole thing and bring the attention of Mrs. Lincoln, who suggests to the older children that they take Basil down to the new children's museum.

On their way there, the kids come across the Klee Tribe, a group of runaway or orphaned adolescents who are seeking new members. Justin, thinking that they're joking around and still mad at Basil, tells one of their members, a girl named Lara, to take Basil and they do.

Upon learning about the history of the Klee Tribe in the museum, Justin realizes what he has done. Now, Justin, Vicki, and all their friends have to get to the Klee Tribe as fast as they can and try to persuade the members to let Basil go. But will they let him go? And if so, will Basil want to come back?

Comments: This was all based on a dream I had. I want to make sure the plot line makes sense.

7/19/2010 #50

Feedback - What We Did this Summer

That actually sounds like you have an awesome plot in your hands, and I, for one, would absolutely love to read it.

And yes, your plot line makes perfect sense, and you can really have fun playing with the psychology of children. This seems like the kind of story that, while it does have the basic "plot," it would be more character driven. I can't think of anything more to add, but I really hope you write this, if only because I'm selfish and want to read it :P

7/19/2010 #51
Musa di Apollo

Gah. Been so long since Ive been on this forum, and I hoped I never had to come back. No offense, but I reeeeally hate anything associated with writers block.

Ive been working on a story for a long time now, and gotten no where. Each time I write the opening chapter, I hate it and scrap it.

Summary: Within the rainy forests of California, lies the small town of Greenwood. And off the beaten path town home to at the most, 150 people. Within the sleepy towns seemingly mundane history as a logging town, lies a dark and brutal secret. Phenomena that can't be explained by any known science.

Enter Mel Styles. A seasoned FBI detective on the trail of a serial killer that has cut a bloody path through the U.S. from the east coast to the west, leaving subtle clues in his wake. Not only has Mel been given the utmost trust of his superiors to finish the case, it is something of a personal vendetta against this mad man that drives him to the point of obscession with the case, traveling across the country, but always one step behind.

But the time for vengence has come. Finish the job, or don't come home. Mel has tracked the killer down to Greenwood for their final confrontation. Blood will be shed, that's for certain, but no one can see the true magnitude of changes to come.


Dont have a title yet. But I just cant see to squeeze out the beginning. Its always the beginning.

If the summary is to vague, or any characters personality not brought out enough to help, do tell!

7/27/2010 #52


Comments/Opinion: This sounds like a real slice of life type story. I like the idea of her having this big dream and then losing it all. It kind of feels like we're following her on some big journey through her life. Something I was thinking was, what if you used the book as like a diary sort of thing? Maybe just entries of conversations or something? No. That'd be a little weird. But yeah, I like the idea.

I would also recommend taking down that character description. It detracts from what you're trying to do-give readers a story. A character description is boring, to put it nicely, and readers would rather create an image of you MC in their heads from the bits and pieces you've given them throughout the story.


1) It all depends on you. Some people like to jump right into the action and would want to have the story start right when the character loses their voice or whatever is happening. As long as your beginning has a hook, something that's going to drag the reader into wanting more, you'll be good.

2) Have you ever read the Trumpeeter Swan? The swan that couldn't honk so it had a dry erase board to talk in human speech? It was a kid's book, but I mean, I believed it. XD I was seven... If the MC can't talk, it's not weird that she would use some other form of communication. Just make it a part of her normal attire. Everywhere she goes, the book goes with her.

3) It's easy to understand how someone would freak out by losing their voice. I mean, the voice is your audio fingerprint. No one has your voice. No one knows it better than you do. And when your voice is your career, the crisis is understandable. Like if someone removed your fingers... you couldn't write! How would you get rid of all your ideas? People aren't reliable like paper-and e-paper in most cases. :P

Plus, this is a perfect slice of life story. Losing her voice, losing her hope, finding her hope again, maybe getting her voice back after that, realizing that her voice does not become her, yada yada. I love the concept. It makes sense and if you like the idea enough, it can work.

4) Whether anyone wants to read the story depends on many factors. Summary, hook, grammar/spelling, do you know where you're going with this story? No one wants to read a dull story where the writer is just writing because they can. Make it interesting and exciting and you'll draw them in.

Hope things work out for you, regardless. :)

7/30/2010 #53
Mizzuz Spock

Feedback - Dragonfire7654321 - Mute

Hm. I like the idea, but I don't like the whole Girl-Gets-Her-Chance-But-Life-Gives-Her-A-Big-Access-Denied thing. It just makes it a little too much of a sob story for my tastes. I think it would be more believable if singing was just something that was a big part of her life and she was trying to get her big chance--but then lost her voice. That's more believable to me.

(1) As far as where to start your story, I'd suggest starting it right before the inciting incident. If a story starts on Tuesday, don't tell me what happened on Monday. Why? Because Monday's events are irrelevant, and, even if they aren't, they can be slipped into the story later on. The trick is to start your story in such a way that your readers are interested. You don't need to give the main character's whole life story within the first couple of paragraphs. That takes depth away from your character and makes a story boring. You always want to leave things for the reader to discover.

So don't start it the day before the accident. Start it right before the accident. Or start it WITH the accident. Use something that'll hook your reader. Make them hungry for more. Prologues are unnecessary 99% of the time, so I wouldn't advise using one unless you feel your first chapter doesn't pull the reader into the story.

(2) Put it in italics. Like this: I talked to the nurse today, she wrote.

(3) I think it's very plausible. As a singer myself, I get very upset when I even get a cold or wear out my voice. I imagine this girl losing her voice would be like a young athlete who loves to run becoming paralyzed for life. If the girl can't sing, she's lost a big part of herself. The identity crisis works for me.

I don't think this story is "out there" at all. It's fairly normal. As far as an audience, who's to say? You can't just post something on FP and expect it to become an overnight success. You have to review people and advertise your story on review forums to get "publicity." No worries, though. Somebody is bound to read your story and like it. There's a story out there for everyone. :]

7/30/2010 #54

Feedback-Story-What We Did this Summer

Comments/Opinions: It sounds like it could be a humour fic, or a psychological thriller... or, scary thought, both! It seems wrong, but I could see this happening. XD The story idea gives me a Lord of the Flies vibe, too, for some reason. I guess it's just the use of the word "tribe". Seems very jungle-y to me.

Uhm, where are your questions? :/

As to the idea of it all, it could work, but... I think you'd really have to dig deep with it. Sure there would be the initial reaction from Basil being "I like it here!", but then what? Plus, they're kids. They can't be out forever. Their mom is going to worry. And a bunch of kids running around the city? Someone's going to notice them. Also, why would a bunch of teens take in this little kid? Do they want to torture him? See, this is where I can see the psychological bit coming in. Maybe they're crazy or something. Maybe they want to kill Basil. But they do it slow... Then you keep it light on the sibling side with them getting all frantic. I dunno.

Another thought, how are they going to track this group down? I mean, if it's that easy, the police and CPS should have been all over them like white on rice. I mean, you have to dig to get this one out of the dirt, because there are a lot of things about the plot you might not have considered.

Regardless, I hope things go in your favor. :)

7/30/2010 #55
Mizzuz Spock

Feedback - Fan o' Fiction - "Greenwood"

First of all, don't scrap your first chapter! D:

First drafts are supposed to be crap. It's, like, a writing rule. I know it can be hard to accept, but IT'S OKAY for your first chapter to be awful. Just keep writing and let the story grow from there. Eventually, you can go back and change the beginning to something that works or sounds better. Letting that first chapter act as a roadblock will do nothing but encourage your writers' block.

I don't think your summary is vague at all, aside from that "Phenomena that can't be explained by any known science" line. What kind of phenomena is it? You've got me hooked just because of THAT. And how do Styles and this killer get involved with this I assume they do. (Why else bring it up?)

What you've got sounds like a good idea. Styles sounds like a great protagonist, too. Though I can't really give much more insight because I don't know what this phenomena is. Sorry. I realize this is a big thing (maybe a surprise twist?), so you probably don't want to give it away, but it appears it's what would pretty much define your story.

7/30/2010 #56

Thanks for the awesome feedback and I'll definintly apply it. Quick Question though, you mention 'Slice of life' frequently but what exactly is it?

(1) Alright, I also plan to take down the first chapter which was all character description anyway and rewrite my previous draft which is horrible by the way. I found pickets of things i want to use in the next upcoming chapters like the 2nd and 3rd but nothing quite yet for the first.

(2) No i haven't read 'Trumpeeter Swan' but i did plan to have her carry the book around with her.

(3) Thanks i was worried it would seem alittle to far out their to give her a crisis like that.

7/30/2010 #57

I have another idea and wanted to run it by here first.

Forbidden Shame: It's not very thought out yet but the basic idea it. A young girl falls for a woman who she doesn't know is her mother. The mother knows but tries to hide it from her but it eventually comes out. The daughter devastated leaves with the intention of never coming back only to start anew with the mother she thought abandoned her.

The daughter gre up without a mother in her life but was raised by a woman who she thought of as her mother. She has two siblings, one of whom is older and her half sister and the other is her twin brother who looks exactly like both her and their mother and the reason why she can't stand to look at him.

(1) I'm not to sure about this idea. I was going to try and change gender and see if that makes it easier to write. I'm also unsure in which genre this should be posted in. Mother/Daughter is that common. What about Mother/Son, Father/Daughter or Father/Son.

(2) The conflict between the Twins is not a real conflict at least i don't think so. The only other one is between her and her halfsister who she dislikes for having both a mother and a father and thinking she's better than them by having both options and eventually she's unsure what to do. I'm confused about the half-sister conflict and don't really like my idea of the conflict.

(3) I know where i want to conclude with the news that she's her mother but unsure on what sort of psychological and emotional trama that would have on her and the rest of the family. Would it devastate her? Would she be okay with it or creeped out and disturbed?.

7/30/2010 . Edited 7/30/2010 #58

Feedback-Story-Forbidden Shame

Comments/Opinions: Okay, when you say "falls for" do you mean fall in love with?

1) It's certainly a different idea. There are the psychological aspects to it, considering the relationship, but whatever works for you. As for the genre... if the aforementioned question's answer is yes, then romance? Drama? Maybe hurt/comfort?

2) I think there are a lot of conflicts in this story. First of all, daughter dating a much older woman/getting to be friends with a much older woman. That would create a lot of tension in the family. They'd want to know what the daughter sees in this woman, they might try to discourage her from talking to the woman. I don't think the twin conflict is a very good one, either. I mean, if the daughter doesn't know the woman is her mother, yet knows that the face of her twin looks like the mother, why isn't she repulsed by the mother?

The half-sister conflict could work, I'm just surprised by the half sister's callous nature. Does the half sister really think she's better than the twins or is it that the daughter thinks that the half sister thinks this? :\ Maybe the half sister should have something more stable to make the daughter dislike her for. Like, what about the dad? Did the dad leave the mother to raise twins which is the reason for the mother putting the twins up for adoption/whatever she did? Now, maybe the daughter hates the dad and the woman he married. By association, the daughter hates the half sister? This unexplained dislike causes the half sister to also dislike the daughter, so she tries to make her life miserable.

3) I think if the mother had been hiding this truth while she was getting to know her own daughter and they had gotten close, it would most likely cause some distance or confusion at first. It depends on the character really. I mean, if the daughter is an open minded person, she probably won't be too creeped out or angry. But I mean, if this turns out be something like parent-child romance sort of thing, there would be all sorts of repercussions. Psychological damage would be at the forefront, definitely.

Hope this helped and things work out. :)

8/1/2010 #59

Quick Question though, you mention 'Slice of life' frequently but what exactly is it?

Slice of life is like, everyday situations you fictionalize. Things that happens at work, meeting someone at a Starbucks... stuff like that.

8/1/2010 #60
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