World Domination
Are your cunning plans falling a bit flat? Do you feel like you're trying to do the same thing you always do everyday? Well look no further! You've reached World Domination, the procrastinators' paradise!
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XxNoImaginationxX

happy to help Kit :)

lets go home now (OT)

6/11/2009 #61
Duckies

Oh wait, there's more? Okay, we can keep going! :D

6/11/2009 #62
XxNoImaginationxX

you have more chapters?

if beatrice is up for it then sure :)

6/11/2009 #63
Disabled Account sdf

You decide what you want to do the most! :D

Kit

6/11/2009 #64
XxNoImaginationxX

what are the choices? we can have likke an on the side convo in OT but still be helping here anyways

6/11/2009 #65
Duckies

Kit, post the next chapter if you want, and I'll make suggestions on it tomorrow, because I'm going to bed now :) You can also post it tomorrow if you like, though that might make the timing a bit wierd - I'll check it out asap though :)

Good luck with your stuff!

6/11/2009 #66
Disabled Account sdf
Chapter 17: Curly

I could not see the reason for the tavern's patrons' agitation, as the woman coming through the door was not remarkable in any way. She was not beautiful or ugly, but rather normal in a cute sort of way. A few years older than us, and as short as Emma, but she was stouter and with curly, dark hair and black, slanted eyes. She was not wearing anything special either, just soaking wet, brown robes.

Still the patrons cheered her on, and she took a few steps into the tavern, blinking her eyes. There was a strange expression on her face, like her eyes were out of focus and she looked like she was just about to say something. Was she retarded?

Then she fumbled with the door trying to close it, and failing that, stumbled across the floor, and had to hang onto the bar to avoid falling on her face. She was not retarted, she was drunk as a lord. I winced in sympathy, thinking back to my binge drinking with Matti and the Badger.

"Po-em, po-em, po-em!" the patrons began chanting, banging their mugs on the table.

"No! Y-You don't like my poohetry. You sjushet teeze mee." The woman answered in a gloomy voice, and looked out over all of us. She had to bend slightly forward to do that, which made her topple over. She grabbed the bar with her right hand to support herself, which swung her around, making her collide with an empty beer mug.

"Go 'way with that light!" she growled angrily at no-one in particular.

"Oh, but we do like it! Come on, Curly!" The speaker was a big, bearded man. "Give us your latest creation!"

"S-sure?" The woman got to her feet with difficulty, looking both sulky and hopeful at the same time. "And my name haschppens t'bee, haschppens t'bee... is Aya Darkwing, not Kurly..."

"Sure, Curly! Let's hear it! We loved the one where you wrote about the dragons flying like slime."

"Nononono! Not layke slime! Layke, er, time! Dwagon flies like time passching. You don't get it! Th'meaning of it! It is importantant!" The woman's voice now had a wailing quality to it, and she looked imploringly at the man, her hands making wild, undecipherable gestures in the air.

"Of course it's important! Let's hear today's poem!" The rest of the patrons, Foxy included, cheered the woman on.

Sulkiness and hope fought for mastery over the woman's face, and in the end it was hope that won. She looked down, concentrating, screwing her face up.

The entire room was silent. Not the awed silence before the match of the century is about to start, or before a famous tenor prepares to sing. No, this was the same gleeful anticipation the hidden watchers feel as they see some innocent woman, step by step, approach the banana peel lying waiting on the floor.

Then the woman looked up again, her face ashen, her eyes filled with tears and anguish. "I-I... I forgot me poem. Sorry. Hang on. Sorry." She put her face in her hands and bowed her head once more.

The patrons began snickering amongst themselves, and Emma, Matti and I looked at each other. Who was this woman, and why was she received like this? Foxy snickered along with the others and just shook his head.

Then the woman's face appeared once more and she smiled a shy little smile: "I gotsch it!"

The applause was overwhelming and thoroughly insincere.

"This here poem is'bout, er..., love!"

A lot of wolf whistles and cat calls followed the annoucement.

"It's called: ---."

6/11/2009 #67
Disabled Account sdf

I just posted it now before I get to work.

Oh - would anyone like to help me write the Worst Poem in the world? The one I originally wrote was not that bad...

Kit

6/11/2009 #68
XxNoImaginationxX

I'll help! I kinda suck at poem writing but if its the worst poem then sure! :D

6/12/2009 #69
XxNoImaginationxX

She was not beautiful nor ugly

maybe?

A few years older than us perhaps

maybe?

and she looked like she was just about to say something. Was she retarded?

it doesnt really 'flow' well with that sentence at the end then continuing on the next paragaph. you also might want to find a nicer way of putting it, just a suggestion though

Then she fumbled with the door trying to close it, and failing that, stumbled across the floor

the then is kinda unnecessary at the start of the sentence. you could replace and with after or make failing failed, the and after that is annoying me too, it seems kinda just thrown in there for the sake of it, if you put she or something of the sort instead i think it would sound better, thats just my opinion though

She was not retarted I realised, she was drunk as a lord

maybe?

-You don't like my poohetry. You sjushet teeze mee

is that 'You just tease me'?

and looked out over all of us. She had to bend slightly forward to do that, which made her topple over

The last sentence seems to a continuation of the previous statement so I dont think there should be a full stop. Which made her topple over, Id like it if you added a bit more detail, like why she had to bend to look over them? Justt a thought though. after that i cant make sense of it, she fell over but then grabbed the bar to support herself (which to me sounds like something someone would do if their legs just collapsed uder them or something) and im not understanding how it swung her around. i think it could just be the wording mixed with my pickiness though. and why was there an empty beer mug oon the floor?

importantant!

so thats how you spell it! cool. i like that bit, it sounds kinda like a conversation Coke and I had while rather hyper one day :D

why was everyone wanting to hear a poem yet some were booing her when she came in the door? it seems kinda contradictory

flies like time passing? is it just one of those open for interpretation things?

The rest of the patrons, Foxy included, cheered the woman on.

to me, this kinda makes Foxy seem like a j*** again

i think i would like this new character, if she werent so drunk maybe. why were her robes soaking? and why do they call her Curly? sure she has curly hair but she wouldnt be the only one right? it not exactly a huge novelty, and not very imaginative of them either

All of the above is just a suggestion, you dont have to pay attention to any of it of course :) Sorry if its really annoying with being so nitpicky and everything, I couldnt help it. Also, if it doesnt make sense I apologise, mother has the tv up way too loud so i couldnt concentrate very well

6/12/2009 #70
Disabled Account sdf

"No! Y-You don't like my poohetry. You sjushet teeze mee." The woman answered in a gloomy voice, and looked out over all of us. She had to bend slightly forward to do that, lost her balance, and with a little yelp which toppled over. She grabbed the bar with her right hand to prevent herself from falling, swung herself around towards the bar, her nose colliding with a an empty mug, knocking it over.

Better?

teeze is tease, yes. And don't try to make me interpret Curly's poem for you - I have no idea what kind of imagery she wants to convery. ;-)

Kit

PS.

As I have told Coke lots of times: There is not such thing as a nitpicker - there is only the good reviewer!

6/12/2009 #71
XxNoImaginationxX

and with a little yelp which toppled over

uh...

i like this, its more detailed. i think maybe the start of that sentence could be rephrased a bit? or even the end now i think about it

'She had to bend slightly forward to do that though'

because she is knocking the beer mug over, it would be kinda cool and add to the clumsy-ness of the ordeal if it had beer in it

good work :-)

6/12/2009 #72
Disabled Account sdf

Did a few more changes, and now it looks better. Thanks, Lola!

Kit

6/12/2009 #73
Disabled Account sdf

Here's the poem Curly recites in the next chapter. Can you think of a way to make it even worse? =)

My Heart Is Like An Over-Ripe Orange

My Heart Is Like An Over-Ripe Orange.

Oh!, When You Viciously Peel It, It Shudders - That Is Strange!

My Heart, My Heart! Can You Feel Its Precious Juices Flow Like Rain Into The Dust?

As You Tear It Apart, Carpel By Carpel, And Spit The Pips On The Floor, Gone With A Wind Of Gust!

Soon It Is Winter And The Orange Will Rot And Die!

Then I Hope Against Hope That In Spring A New Flower Will Grow In My Heart!

6/12/2009 . Edited 6/12/2009 #74
XxNoImaginationxX

My Heart Is Like An Over-Ripe Orange.

Oh! When You Viciously Peel It, It Shudders - That Is Strange!

My Heart, My Heart! Can You Feel It's Precious Juices Flow? Flow Like Rain Into The Dust?

As You Tear It Apart, Carpel By Carpel, And Spit The Seeds On The Floor, Gone With A Wind Of Gust!

When Winter Soon Comes, The Orange Will Rot And Die!

Then I Hope Against Hope That In Spring A New Flower Will Grow In My Heart!

... maybe?

6/12/2009 #75
Duckies

Perhaps a few years older than us

and she looked like she was just about to say something. Was there something wrong with her?

She fumbled with the door trying to close it

poohetry. You sjusht teeze mee.

I like the pooetry - it might not have been intentional, but it felt like there was a hidden meaning :) I removed the e so that the dialogue felt a bit more realistic and understandable, but still emphasising her drunkness

I like this new character, she seems kind of shy and sweet even through her drunk facade. Haha, all your female love interests start out drunk :D *thinks back to Emma*

Like the banana skin example too btw :)

I'm not sure if Lola has given you suggestions similar to mine, I couldn't be bothered backreading *yes, I'm lazy :P*

@ the poem

My heart is like an over-ripe orange.

Oh! When you Vishusly peel it, it shudders - that ish shtrange!

My heart, my heart! Can you feel it's precious juishes flow like rain into the dusht?

As you tear it apart, carpel by carpel, and spit the pips on the lloor, gone with a wind of gust!

Soon it is winter and the orange will rot and die!

Then I hope against hope that in Spring a new flower will grow in my heart!

I didn't change much - just the capitalisation and some punctuation nitpicks. Just because it's a poem doesn't mean every word has to be capitalised :)

I think in order to make this fit more with the ctory and the character saying it, you can change some of the spelling (like I did for the first few lines) to sound like a drunk person, and maybe replace some of the words with terms that sound similar, like a drunk person might (e.g. the orange will rot and fly!)

You can also try to make it more angsty and such, but I'm getting really called away now, so i can't be much more help on that front - sorry about that!

6/12/2009 #76
Duckies

*agrees with most of lola's poem suggestions* They're good :)

6/12/2009 #77
XxNoImaginationxX

I liked it better with more capitalising, looks better and such, I agree with the spelling but it would be cool if she suddenly sobered a bit and recited it properly

6/12/2009 #78
Disabled Account sdf

Yes, I wanted her to recite it perfectly, probably because her poetry means to much to her.

Initially I wanted her to a very comic character, but as it turns out, she is tragi-comic, which is perhaps even better...

Kit

6/12/2009 #79
XxNoImaginationxX

is she going to be a main-type character? cause she's kinda cool

yays! i likes your thunking Kit (about the perfect recitation)

6/12/2009 #80
Disabled Account sdf

Yes, I plan to make her an important character! :-)

That's the reason for the heavy Use Of Capital Letters - she is being so serious about it...

Kit

6/12/2009 #81
Disabled Account sdf

Hmm... Poem needs more angst, still.

*tries to think back the when he was a proto-emo teenager*

Kit

6/12/2009 #82
XxNoImaginationxX

it was meant to be angsty? i was just thinking dramatic

6/12/2009 #83
Disabled Account sdf

Both, perhaps?

At least a bit angsty. She is a very sad person.

Kit

6/12/2009 #84
XxNoImaginationxX

ah ok, it is kinda angsty now i think about, its just not one of the most prominent features

6/12/2009 #85
Disabled Account sdf

So, any ideas?

Or maybe I'll just keep it?

Kit

6/12/2009 #86
XxNoImaginationxX

i think the line This is Strange! kinda detracts from the angsty-ness, but i like it, it fits with the character

6/12/2009 #87
Disabled Account sdf

I changed it to 'Horrid And Strange' which makes it kinda like she wanted to write something evil, but couldn't get it to rhyme unless she used 'Strange'

Thanks, thanks, thanks!

Kit

6/12/2009 #88
XxNoImaginationxX

if your saying horrid then it would be kinda cool if she stumbled a bit, as if searching for a word, but she has previously prepared that hasnt she?

6/12/2009 #89
Disabled Account sdf

I made her gulp. :-)

Kit

6/12/2009 #90
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