I don't know where else to put this.
This has been a long time coming, and I know the things I've done aren't going to earn me any forgiveness, but I know I won't really feel better until I actually repent.
Years ago I was a member of the complete monster forum on Tvtropes.org, and it was actually very pleasant there. The people were cool, and it was fun pointing out particularly nasty individuals from works to see if they count. Things were going bad far before I did the horrible thing that got me kicked, because I developed an addiction to the place and tried recommending villains daily, and threw a hissy fit every time I failed.
Then ACW announced he had lost a family member, and I took the time in my "condolences" to just blurt our that I didn't like him. I don't know why I didn't, and I don't now, but that doesn't matter. When I was rightfully called out on this, I went nuts and just started insulting people, because the last time I got kicked from the site, I just made a new account. Unfortunately, I learned too late that that isn't allowed, so now I'm permanently banned.
I've stalked around the forum and hounded the guys on this site, leaving troll reviews on LS's stories, sicking my boyfriend on them, and repeatedly erasing the tvtrope pages for their respective stories from this site. Just recently wrote a fic with LS's characters betrayed as useless idiots, and that was the last thing I've written in a while. It didn't make me feel better, because I'm the asshole.
Just recently, I made another sock account, and actually tried to be a decent person…and it felt good. I got a reminder that the guys are actually good, nice, and decent people who just are doing their own thing. Getting figured out and kicked again gave me a revelation, after all of this pettiness, I finally got it shot through my thick skull that I'm the bad guy.
They did nothing to me that wasn't justified, and everything I did wasn't. I'm not going to get back on the forum, I'm not going to earn their forgiveness, and this will be hanging over me for the rest of my days. I deleted my other stories, they weren't that good, and I'll be keeping this up as a constant, public reminder of my mistake.
Their names are lightysnake and lordoftheclowns. Read there stuff, it's great.
I deleted both fics, erasing my most recent works from history. I haven't written in such a long time, I don't even remember what I had written before that. Instead of thinking creatively, I was being petty.
I'm so tired of all of it.
I have no idea it came from, but its been a constant problem. I don't know what to do about it, I don't know how to think of my actions before committing them, and I wish I could take all of it back. I can't.
I lost friends, made enemies, and have gained absolutely nothing positive from any of it.
I've forgotten to enjoy writing. That it's a hobby to be enjoyed, not feel like work.
I feel a part of me is shitting all over myself because of this, because I've always known that I was in wrong.
That's why I'm posting it here, to let anyone who comes across know what I did. Their stuff is great, mine isn't. They're decent guys, I'm not. They're right, I'm wrong. End of story.
I just want to move on from this, and I mean that in the good way, this time. Not the "let's make peace because I feel I won" way I sent to lightysnake recently.
A positive times a negative is always a negative. It doesn't matter how you think you are. Getting angry doesn't help. Being negative doesn't help.
Just let it go. You'll feel better later.3/19/2020 #1
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