Writer's group numero cinco
I don't know why number five. I bet you'd be really confused if I said 'setenta y cinco', wouldn't you?
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scharlie18

So, people are urged to take part in the forum. Join conversations or start their own. That being said, if you would like someone to read a specific piece of writing of yours, here would be the place to say so. :) Enjoy!

7/15/2010 #1
Thetis of White Isle

Whoa, don't I feel a little silly actually posting to this thread? Because it's been here...since mid-July, and no one has so much as made a request? I kind of feel a bit silly. ^^;

Anyway, I only have the first three chapters up on my LJ, but would anyone would like to take a stab at my fanfic-in-progress, De Anima? It's based on the rpg Mystic Ark, an obscure little video game for the SNES. Never fear, since it's a novelization, you don't need to have played the game at all. You can find the master post from my LJ on my profile page.

Here's a quick summary, so you're not flying blind. ^^

One day in one of the many worlds where swords and sorcery still thrive, a girl was living her life as usual, exploring a cave. For you see, she was an adventurer, and that's what people like her do. After she was accosted by something that resembled a cardboard square, she knew nothing for a long time, until she heard the voice of a transcendent being calling her, and she summoned her strength and broke free. The girl, let's call her Ferris, found herself on an island with the transcendent being (hereafter referred to as the goddess.) This island was a nexus, Ferris was told, of which there were many doors, which led to multiple dimensions. Scattered throughout the worlds could be found the arks, the keys to opening these doors, one of which would lead Ferris to where she belonged. And with the help of the goddess, and many others, Ferris began the long journey home.

7/28/2010 #2
scharlie18

Speaking of which, what's happening with the fourth chapter? Do you still want me to read it for you?

7/28/2010 #3
Thetis of White Isle

Of course! :D But I only update monthly, since I cobble together the chapters very, very slowly. I wasn't expecting to get a job this summer (stuff happens) so I can't work on it as fast as I could. If you need to read it before the school year starts, I'll try to send it to you when I get home tonight.

7/28/2010 #4
scharlie18

No, I just wanted to make sure. I can still read it for you during the school year, that's not a problem. (Especially since I don't know if I'm getting my job during the school year back. *scowl*)

7/28/2010 #5
Thetis of White Isle

Little Russian really did a number on De Anima, eh? I have to rethink everything. And he is right about a lot of stuff, but many of the problems that he cited, I have to figure out on my own how to fix because they're very deeply rooted problems. (Ah, the desert life, the army life. And though, I did read up on pirates and such, I'm definitely far from an expert. Man...I'm going to sit down one afternoon, hopefully after my job is complete for the summer, and research, research, research.)

8/1/2010 #6
scharlie18

Wait...what happened? Who's 'Little Russian'?

8/1/2010 #7
scharlie18

I read his review of the first chapter, and for the record, I disagree with about 80% of what he said. Just about the only thing I agreed with was the part where he asked who was still on duty if everyone else came rushing to Ferris, or whatever it was.

I don't feel like De Anima requires a whole lot of research. A little wouldn't hurt, but I wouldn't stress out about it. First off, because this is a fictional world. The military or whatever works however you want it to. If you want to base it off of the American military, that's great. But, if you want to base it off of the video game, then I don't see a problem with that. And secondly...aw, hell, I lost my train of though.

Who is this guy, anyways?

8/1/2010 #8
Thetis of White Isle

Little Russian is a member of a forum that I help moderate. It's almost dead now, that forum, but he posted to one of my threads, and promised to read my story. He got back to me a bit late, but I do think there are some merits to some of his comments. Especially better describing life in a desert. Also, I feel that I didn't explain that inter-dimensional travel in this universe, while rare, is not totally impossible. Suffice to say, it's not uncommon to see someone who doesn't look quite like you in these worlds. I think a later character being introduced earlier would help iron out this deficiency.

About who was on duty while they rushed out to meet Ferris--I didn't quite explain that there are other cats besides the ones named. Oliver you see more of later, Sixpack and Alonso too, but there are other unmentioned ones that are running around doing things. All told, there's about two hundred cats in the Bloodhook and the Gunboss combined. Maybe a little more than that. I thought it'd be kind of hard to wage war with just five cats on each side. Maybe I should name more characters, but there's certainly not enough room to develop anymore than the ones I've come up with. Alvilda, Calico, William, and Benito don't even exist in the original version of the game, and Bragg is arrested for entirely different reasons. But I do think I need to keep changing more things around.

While my dad was in the military, I don't know enough about it to really write authentically about it. Hence, the research. The other thing that concerned me especially was the comment of, "Not enough characterizations or background details going on!" I want to create a world where you feel these people's lives, but. Yeah, I gotta continue practicing.

8/1/2010 #9
scharlie18

Inter-dimensional travel: This was one of the things I disagreed with him about. I don't feel that there's a need for the cats to wonder if she's sentient, if she comes in peace, etc. I rather liked that they just assumed that she was a cat-person like them. I thought it was endearing. But, if you do add in that alien visitors or whatever do come to visit the land of cat-people, then I think the cats have to realize that she is not like them, and that she's probably from a different dimension/planet.

Who was on duty: you should probably mention that there's 200 or so cat-people on the Gunboss and Bloodhook. And I think you should probably also mention the reaction to Ferris of the general population of the Bloodhook. Perhaps Alonso needs to have a chat with the cat-people on Bloodhook about Ferris...? (I don't think you need to name anymore people, btw, you just need to mention that there are more people.)

I, once again, disagree with the "Not enough characterizations or background details going on!" bit. I liked the characterization. I had enough characterization to get a good sense of who everyone was...with the possible exception of William. Then again, I haven't read it in a while, so I've kind of forgotten, but you could probably stand to add in a couple more details about William. And, come to think of it, same probably goes for Sixpack.

The only thing about that part that I would say is: Ferris. You're so busy characterizing everyone else, and moving the plot forwards, that you kind of forget to characterize Ferris. She was the only person that I didn't get a good sense of who she was (and William/Sixpack).

Now, the difficult part. You get to try and find an appropriate balance between me and Little Russian. I don't envy you. :P

8/2/2010 #10
scharlie18

So, this is really bad, but you've gotten me playing Mystic Ark. *sigh* And I realized something. The Gunboss is lacking in potions, and that's why Pinkhead was all "Oh, well, my claw was falling off" when....you know, that scene. I don't think you ever really said that the Gunboss was lacking in potions. I just assumed that someone in Gunboss (I forget what you named him now) was really nitpicky about who used potions and why. Did you mean for it to be like that, or did you mean to imply that there weren't that many potions to go around?

8/2/2010 #11
Thetis of White Isle

Yeah, potion shortage on the Gunboss. That's why Musil's so peeved about anyone using potions for no good reason; he's the de facto doctor in lieu of a real one. So he's keeping track of the allocation of the healing potions and such, and I made him the equivalent of the buyer on Gunboss on Mystic Ark.

As for Ferris, there's kind of a reason why she's not really big on personality, but while she does have one, it's not like...big and outstanding. As in, she's very difficult to write for because of plot-related reasons. Since you've played the game, you'd think, "But she doesn't have any lines; how difficult could it be?" But the finale throws everything into perspective. And Ferris is going to suffer through a lot. After the world of darkness, she might even be almost traumatized. She has a lot resilience though, so she'll survive. I hope.

8/2/2010 #12
scharlie18

I think if there's a potion shortage, then you probably need to bring up the issue a little bit more. It, as I recall, doesn't seem quite like the dire shortage that the video game Gunboss is experiencing. (That sentence made sense, right?) The same goes for the Bloodhook, only this time about weapons. Are they experiencing a weapon shortage as well? Because, I don't remember getting that impression

8/2/2010 #13
Thetis of White Isle

There's a lot going on. I did write in the scene where they're giving Ferris new armor, that there were no weapons to spare. The chat with Sixpack and Alonso also notes that there's a weapons shortage and that only his obdurate nature is preventing him from surrendering to Gunboss. (Of which the rest of the Bloodhook has to suffer for.) Gunboss' potion shortage is made more pronounce in chapter five, but we haven't even gotten there yet. Remember we pretty much met the Gunboss last chapter? I'm working on making the suffering more apparent, though, and in the first chapter there's a new scene where Musil mentions about the new shipment lacking the herbs. There's more of course, but I'm working on it.

8/2/2010 #14
scharlie18

Sounds great. Let me know when you finish. :)

8/3/2010 #15
Thetis of White Isle

I have finished the first chapter. There's a lot things that are the same, others that are pretty different. I'm adding a lot of Ferris scenes in chapter two...which might get divided because it's getting too dang long. It should be sitting in your mailbox. Thanks!

8/7/2010 #16
scharlie18

I has it. :D I should be done in a couple days.

8/7/2010 #17
scharlie18

Okay, so, um. I'll try to do it tomorrow morning. If I don't, then you won't get it until Tuesday. My family is kidnapping me and taking me where there is no internet. (OH HORROR OF HORRORS! PLEASE STOP THE TORTURE! ... *sigh*)

Just wanted to let you know. :)

8/7/2010 #18
Thetis of White Isle

I got it back. I'll buckle down and fix things as soon as I can. Thanks for the beta. Also...should I just PM you from now on if I have questions about what you did with your beta read?

8/8/2010 #19
Thetis of White Isle

Yay! Thanks for the beta reads. I've got chapter two of De Anima complete, and it's quite misleading--the first part is pretty much the same, but after that it's almost entirely new. Whoa, man, I surprise myself. I hope the changes are solid and work. But please give me your input! ^_^ I'll upload it as soon as I can to FP.

8/12/2010 #20
scharlie18

AIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! 19 pages. Wow.

Oh, so this is where you asked me where I wanted you to respond. I thought it was in a PM.

Not a problem. I will get it back to you shortly.

19 pages, holy cow.

8/13/2010 #21
Thetis of White Isle

Really? It was only fourteen pages on Open Office! I'm so sorry. _; Should I try to keep the chapters shorter?

8/13/2010 #22
scharlie18

Nah, it's fine. :)

Oooh, that reminds me. I finished editing! I completely forgot.

8/16/2010 #23
Thetis of White Isle

Thank you muchly for this editing job. Of course I plan on writing a new chapter three before meeting up with Pinkhead. (It wouldn't transition very well into the old chapters...)

8/17/2010 #24
L. W. Perry

Okay, so I deleted my stories and reuploaded them. Starling has been edited and sounds a lot better now.

I'd like some fresh feedback.

8/21/2010 #25
Thetis of White Isle

Reviewed Ghost Train and Starling. Y'know, those were pretty good reads, even if it is the crack of dawn.

8/23/2010 #26
scharlie18

So that was you! :D Thanks, and I'm glad you liked it. *dances*

8/23/2010 #27
Thetis of White Isle

If anyone wants to help me with De Anima... *points to LJ* The link is on my profile page. I think some help would be nice.

9/30/2010 #28
KittenOnTheKeys

I have a kind of specific request. If anyone has read or would like to read When Words Fail I am trying to decide whether or not to make it into a first-person-narrator story from Adrian's point of view. Any thoughts on this would be awesome! :)

11/26/2010 #29
Thetis of White Isle

Hmmm...maybe when Christmas break begins. Or this weekend. If it's not too busy, at least. Will try to get around it before the end of the month. I'm sorry about this...school is beating my brain with a pick-axe. Eep.

12/1/2010 #30
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