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Deathcas

I hate it when I feel such petty jealousy.

But I just...

-rips drawings and stories into a million tiny pieces-

8/23/2012 #31
Deathcas

FUCK

FUCK FUCK

AND THANKS FOR COMING IN AND MISGENDERING ME DAD

LIKE I KNOW YOU THINK I'M BEING MANIPULATED AND SHIT BUT

FUCK

YOU COULD AT LEAST ADOPT GENDER NEUTRAL TERMS FOR ME

AND I HAVE TO ACT FUCKING NORMAL AND CIVIL EVEN WHEN ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUCKING BREAK SOMETHING

9/11/2012 #32
Deathcas

Every step I take in life always ends with me realising that I can't even live normally.

I can't even have a normal fucking graduation because even if I manage to smile and laugh there's always going to be a sick feeling of dysphoria.

...

Can anyone tell me what self-harm actually feels like?

Aside from clawing/scratching/biting...

9/16/2012 #33
Vector Phantom

Nope I only ever do the biting

9/16/2012 #34
Deathcas

Ignore the above post.

Slipped a bit more than usual.

Don't worry I'm fine.

9/16/2012 #35
Whovian Tribute

Why don't you ask Emma, Cas?

But don't you ever. Please don't ever.

I love you too much to let you. You deserve everything that life has to offer.

You are precious Cas. One of a kind. And in the best way imaginable.

Don't sell yourself short.

10/1/2012 #36
Deathcas

Don't worry Tim, this was just a lapse in my....I'm not even sure what it was a lapse in, but it was a lapse in something.

An unstable moment, if you will.

I'm fine for the moment.

10/1/2012 #37
Whovian Tribute

No but that's just it.

I don't want you to just be "Fine for the moment."

I want you to be happy forever. I want you to be able to not care about life's woes and shitty parts.

Please come to me and talk to me about these things that bother you.

I want to help. You give me so much happiness Cas, I owe you a lot.

10/1/2012 #38
Vector Phantom

So I still have not started my math homework

I am starving but dinner is still cooking

And my body feels like it is in a state of extremely mild, but constant ...uneasiness?

10/15/2012 #39
Vector Phantom
tiesuyllaerdluociesuavebyadr ettebasiworromotepohihguyawy nasy ugyrrostuoevigothcumevahitah tton tahwtegsdneirfhcihwtuognirug ifek ilodottolaevahiesuacebsihcih wmeh tnigebyllautcaotdetsuahxeoot gnie bwlihwsnalpediciusgnikamyltn atsn ocdnamrahflesfotniopehtotgni yrce mhtiwdellifneebsahkeewtsapsi htoS
10/31/2012 #40
Deathcas

Kira, if it were in my power I'd do whatever I could to make you happy. The only thing I can do is kinda be here, even though currently I'm failing at that, and translate your messages to show that I'm willing to spend time listening to what you have to say -and don't feel the need to write these messages in backwards, oddly spaced codes, even though I'll do my best to read them anyway-.

Even if I'm not around or I'm distracted, please, if you need to leave a short or long rant somewhere, do so and I'll try to come and comfort you as...best I can. I know I'm not very good at it but I just...I'm here for you...as much as I can be.

And please don't...commit suicide...I can't stop you and I haven't got the right to, but God Hand damn it Kira you're one of my closest friends and I love you to bits and you're really sweet and funny and you've got so many ideas and I'd miss you so much and I don't know what to say to make you feel better so I'm just being as honest as I can...

-bows head-

I'm not a very good friend, I know that much, but...if you need to talk...I'll do my best to be here for you.

Uh, hug?

-hugs-

And yes I did translate your message, but I didn't include a translation/decoding of it in here, since I didn't want to be...well, disrespectful. Because if you put your message in code you probably don't want me to decode it publicly.

10/31/2012 #41
Vector Phantom
The phone wont let me type long messages without including spaces every so.often Thanks cas And I should be fine for now
10/31/2012 #42
Vector Phantom
And you're a better friend than I am
10/31/2012 #43
Whovian Tribute

Please don't Kira.

I cannot speak from experience about anything to do with suicidal thoughts, but I can speak from experience about being friends with people who have them.

You don't realise how much you mean to people, you honestly don't.

I'm not therapist or psychiatrist but I do know that that option is never the right one, there is always another way.

I don't know what it is, maybe you need to talk to someone who can help you find what it is, to help you not feel this way anymore.

I hate seeing that you're feeling this way about yourself.

You really are great to talk to, I really like being able to chat to you on here, and I know for a fact that you mean the world to Cas.

Please don't do something that you can't take back.

10/31/2012 #44
Emmahaa
When it comes to reality, fuck i'm a loser. I'm just hopeless, useless and stupid for not passing things i should in tafe or even hsc. Tonight i was blamed for making my brother weird. I'm so fucking sorry you guys messed up with your first kid and screwed her up mentally for such a long time and think i'll be normal now. During the time i needed help i got none besides that of friends. Fucks sakes i couldn't even trust the people who are my parents. I'm really ranting about nothing. Tonight was also one of the few fucking nights lenni actually gets proper discipline for a little shit like him. He has to end it with 'now i'm scared of everyone in the family' because me and my dad get so pissed off at the little fucker and my mum actually got angry with him. Then my mum just gives him a hug and starts pampering him again. Fucking hell. I want to say i want to die, but won't do anything about it. My parents really annoy me and frustrate me, i'm trying so hard to be good, but all my efforts are in vain. I always think about if i wasn't here would it be better for my family. Maybe it could be, but that's really not good for my friends. Oh emma, you really need to do something..productive and stop feeling sorry and down on yourself. -sigh-
11/23/2012 #45
Emmahaa
i feel slightly better.. Now i just feel stupid for writing that. I know other people have more problems but i don't know how those feel to be able to compare.
11/23/2012 #46
Vector Phantom

You aren't a loser

11/23/2012 #47
Vector Phantom

anyway cas, you wouldn't miss me for very long, trust me.

you have emma, and tim will only be gone for a year and they're much better friends than I am

and you have noteli, right? and vale

anyway tim, sorry again

11/25/2012 #48
Vector Phantom

https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/please-stop-our-healthcare-system-denying-people-autism-organ-transplants-and-their-basic-human/RX53VWvF

oh hey it's still at only 3000

11/25/2012 #49
Vector Phantom

anyway see you guys tomorrow if you aren't busy?

11/25/2012 #50
Whovian Tribute

That's okay Kira. I just needed to say it so that you knew how I felt and also so that it didn't escalate or anything.

I wouldn't want to get angry at you or say something I don't mean and jeopardise our friendship.

11/25/2012 #51
Emmahaa
Kira! I'd miss you forever! (i did read it just i didn't know what to say)
11/25/2012 #52
Deathcas
anyway cas, you wouldn't miss me for very long, trust me.

Clearly Kira we need to hang out more, because if you honestly believe this then I have clearly not been expressing myself with you as well as I should have been. Kira, I bloody love you. So okay, it's not romantic. Big whoop, it's never romantic with me and I honestly hate society's view that just because it's not romantic it means that I don't love someone enough. Fucking hell, if you disappeared or died on me I would be fucking devastated.

And the reason I'm talking about how I feel here, rather than stating all the many reasons why you shouldn't kill yourself or anything is because that specific part of your post is addressing how you would think I would feel on the issue, and here it is.

I would be fucking devastated. Broken, if you like. Broken seems to be the appropriate word and I know I can be an asshole and cold and sometimes I try and act tough and strong but the truth is I'm really fucking sensitive to fucking everything and if someone I know to be an amazing, wonderful, sweet, funny, adorable human being -also known as YOU, Kira- were to drop out of my life I would be broken.

This applies to the people I love because, yeah, you know what, everyone is flawed and everyone fucks up and we all make mistakes and sometimes do mean or bad or silly things but you're all fucking beautiful people, you deserve happiness in life, and you know I have no control over what you do or what you say you wanna do, I just want you to know that you guys mean a lot to me. You're fucking amazing human beings, I don't know what I did to deserve meeting and befriending you, and you all deserve happiness, and if you want me to say it selfishly like I have this whole post then yeah, I'd be fucking broken if you guys killed yourselves or left me.

And yes, I do have Emma, and Tim, and other friends, but the point is you came into my life, you took a special place in my life, and no amount of Emma or Tim or Noteli or Vale or any of my other friends can fill that space. It's like all my friendships and all the love I feel for people is a puzzle, and there are pieces constantly being added and if someone where to take a piece out of this puzzle, that's it, no other piece can ever fill that space. I'll forever have a giant, never completed puzzle, because each and every one of you is irreplaceable to me.

I can't do much else for the transplant petition, I can only hope it keeps spreading around and people take the time to sign it.

@ Emma: You're not a loser, you're strong as hell. So what if you failed TAFE, you even said it yourself the main reasons you failed it was because you couldn't do the parts of it that required practical stuff because of your ankle issues. You failed it only because you were making a responsible decision to protect your body from further harm. That's not stupid, that's an incredibly mature and sensible decision to make. And fuck, even if you did fail TAFE because it was hard, or you dropped out of the HSC, who gives a fuck? Multiple members of my family dropped out of the HSC and they're fine. Your worth as a human being isn't judge but how intelligent you are or how well you do in school or any of our education systems.

You are not at fault for any 'weirdness' in regards to Lenny. In fact, no single person is responsible for Lenny, and if there is, its his fucking parents and not you. And besides, your parents' version of weirdness is pretty much anything they think is a little different from what they believe people should be, and it's bullshit.

Also your parents treated you like fucking shit for years, why the fuck should you apologise to them? I love you Emma, and you're a beautiful fucking human being. Yes, you make mistakes, you fuck up, that's just part of being human. I make mistakes, I fuck up, I say stupid, horrible, hurtful shit. I overreact, I hurt people. It happens, it's human. We make mistakes. A person who makes mistakes...you know what, that's everyone. It doesn't make you any less beautiful or wonderful or strong.

And maybe if you parents weren't so fucking horrid to you, it'd be better for your family. Maybe if they didn't play the 'favourites' game with their kids it'd be better for their family. A family is a group of people, and if the family falls apart, then it can be no one person's fault.

AND IN CONCLUSION, both of you are amazing human beings, I selfishly hate the fact it is completely beyond my power to make anyone see that, and I don't know what to do or say to make anything better for either of you because I'm a tiny little person who can't even keep his own damn life in order and...

I love you guys. You are both irreplaceable.

11/25/2012 #53
Vector Phantom

Thanks all of you but don't worry about it, everything will be fine

11/25/2012 #54
Emmahaa
Can't she just fucking understand. I was showing my consideration in my own way. Of course that doesn't matter. I start to feel so fucking shit when my parents take things i say the wrong way. I don't mean it for you guys to feel at fault WHEN I KNOW IT'S NOT. -breaks- i don't need to feel like this before my friends come over.. What is wrong with me. Why do they hate me so much? I don't know what to do..
12/1/2012 #55
Vector Phantom
Something is wrong with your parents not you
12/1/2012 #56
Emmahaa

-sigh- ... maybe.

12/1/2012 #57
Vector Phantom
Anyway thanks all of you for constantly putting up with me. I know I am probaby being pretty annoying and you're all probably biting your tongues out of concern for me, but thanks. And if I am annoying you then....please don't worry about me.
12/1/2012 #58
Emmahaa
oh you silly thing. You're one of my favourite people to talk to! Even if sometimes there isn't much to talk about i still admire/think you're really cool cx -big hugs-
12/2/2012 #59
Vector Phantom
Thanks Emma
12/3/2012 #60
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