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Hey there. I have written this prologue for my new story today and am excited to see what others think. All constructive Critisism is welcome. Thanks for taking your time to read, here goes:


The rain was crushing down on me with such force I could have sworn it was trying to beat me to the ground; he wind whipped me trying to push me off my feet with such force I wanted to give into it. I stood alone watching the horizon through the rain and darkness, but the harder I looked the fuzzier the scene before me became. The sea reached for my skirts pulling it towards them, but always letting go leaving their damp print behind. The moonlight cast a stark and eerie glow across the ocean casting shapes with the waves as they crashed heavily onto the shore.

It was strange how deceiving scenes can be, not only a few hours earlier I had watched children frolic and dance in the golden sand without a care in the world, trying, despite their efforts, to make sandcastles before the sea cruelly dissolved away their efforts. I had always thought of the ocean and the sand as freedom, somewhere to go to get away from the world around me, I felt that here I could forget my problems for just a few hours. But at this very moment the scene was eerie, I had never felt so vulnerable in this huge, empty space, the stars becoming spiteful eyes staring down at me, betraying me, pointing out to the world where I was hiding.

Panic struck me as I heard footsteps not too far away, I turned my back to the ocean to see dark shadows heading my way, I knew I should run, to shout, to do anything but physically I wouldn't dare move or open my mouth, my mind was telling me to run but my body disobeyed. The men were close enough to see my tear stricken face, "Evelyn, you should know by now it's never a good idea to run away from me", the man towered a good few heads above me, the alcohol on his breathe evident, his face familiar, but tonight something evil lurked behind his eyes and he was not the man that I recognised as my father. His mouth turned into a wicked smirk as he stared down at me, his grey hair and my black hair flying freely in the wind around us.

Anger overwhelmed me as, for the first time my body did what my mind was thinking as I punched the man before me in the jaw. The force of my fist knocked his head to the side and as he looked back to face me, the blood trickled from his cheek where my ruby ring had come into contact with his skin. He wiped the crimson blood from his face with his white sleeve never taking his eyes from mine, "you will wish, my dear daughter", he practically spat at me, "that you had never done that", the familiar man I had once loved turned his face to the side and spat out blood onto the sand and walked away, but not before stopping to whisper to the friends he had brought with him.

As soon as he stepped away I barely had time to blink before three men grabbed at me, pulling me away towards the town and the first clash of thunder that night covered my terrified screams.

7/21/2010 #1

A couple of spelling and grammar errors, but other than that, very good writing! I personally am a big fan of atmospheric and descriptive authors, and you appear to be one of those. Good job, I like it!

3/23/2014 #2
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