Unrequited
This is a general forum where various romance-oriented roleplays are done. They don't have to be sad, but it's the core of this story. Have fun being lovey dovey here
New Follow Forum Follow Topic
DayDreamz
I am so sorry if this post is against any rules, I just really need some help with this part of my story. -Setup- The two main characters are on a roof and the male character Rain just gave female character Ana an early birthday present. Ana is leaving for a month and it's hard for them both seeing as they're best friends. -Thing I need help on- "So do you like it?" I asked, hesitantly. "Rain, I love it." she said, holding it in one hand and hugging me. I took that as a yes.  She let go of me and held the necklace up, "Could you?" she asked, lifting her hair up. I took the necklace from her and stepped in close so I could put my arms around her neck. She smiled  shyly and looked off toward the skyline, not used to such proximity. We both stood there awkwardly while I fumbled with the tiny clip. Finally I attached it and watched Ana rub the shells, while still looking away. "How do I look?" she asked, now looking up at me, still standing inches from her. "Perfect." I replied without taking my eyes off hers. She took her hands and linked them around my neck as I had done. "Rain?" She asked, biting her lip while her eyes searched my own. "Yeah?" I replied, looking straight into her bright grey eyes. "I'm gonna do something really stupid, okay?" she said, timidly. I said something along the lines of "Uhhh kay." a line obviously taken from Romeo and Juliet.  "Okay." Ana said, more determinedly. That's when she leaned up and kissed me. My pulse raced as warmth radiated throughout my body. Her lips tasted like vanilla and were smooth like silk. My hands, now acting of their own accord, found her hips and held her as if she was made of glass.  After what felt like a few seconds  she pulled away, crying again. I took a step toward her, "I'm sorry." she choked out, before she sprinted away toward the ladder. I would have followed her if my limbs worked at the time. Besides I was so confused, and elated, and sad that I couldn't even think straight. 'at least I know why she bites her lip all the time' I thought, still standing there, looking at the door staring, wondering. -problem- I just need to know what you thought about the kiss part, how did it feel, did you think it was unwarranted? I really need criticism here so be as harsh as you want. Thanks :)
1/13/2012 #1
Psychronia
Hi! It was pretty nice, so I'm gonna do my best to nitpick on what I can find for you. ^_^

For starters, this is all in Rain's perspective, right? If that's the case, you don't have to add things like "I thought" at the end-if you want to put it that way, it's best for him to mutter it aloud to himself or something. Additionally, since it's in his mind only, it's a little strange to me when you describe her thoughts-when you put "She smiled shyly and looked off toward the skyline, not used to such proximity.", it also struck me as strange (as a side note, if you want, you could make Rain say he wasn't used to being close to her and assume it's the same as her speculatively). For this, you need to consider what Rain can see(and thus "know") about other people, and what other people feel and think on the inside, which he won't know and needs to guess.

Ah, a side question about the second half, when he put his hands to her hips, does he think that? Because it's also strange to think someone's hips are like glass right? I know you're just expressing gentleness, but the way you're writing it put all the desciptions of the scene in Rain's mind.

My critisizm, part one. ^^"

1/13/2012 . Edited 1/13/2012 #2
DayDreamz
Thank you so much, it has been pretty easy writing all of this up until this point. I am a guy (never kissed a girl) and I'm finding it really hard to describe all these things. Anyways thanks for the review, it was really helpful. Could I ask you to more closely review the kiss? I want the reader to feel like he/she is there.
1/13/2012 #3
Psychronia
Well, that's a bit harder. First of all, I've never kissed anyone before either. Secondly, kisses are probably different. And most importantly, you've done a good job describing it. I'll throw in any commentary when I think of any though.
1/13/2012 #4
DayDreamz
Thanks, by the way I read chapter 1 of your story. I really liked it!
1/14/2012 #5
Psychronia
:D Yay! Thanks! How so? :3
1/14/2012 #6
Forum Moderators: Psychronia
Rules:
  • Forums are not to be used to post stories.
  • All forum posts must be suitable for teens.
  • The owner and moderators of this forum are solely responsible for the content posted within this area.
  • All forum abuse must be reported to the moderators.
Membership Length: 2+ years 1 year 6+ months 1 month 2+ weeks new member