Author has written 6 stories for Manga, Action, Fantasy, and Essay.
Valentine: What did you say your name was?
- Helena and Valentine, Mirror Mask
The Couch Vegetables
I rest on the couch, looking up at the ceiling. The couch is as dark as night, as dark as the livingroom would have been if our new Sansui 5. Something inch television was not shinning static into the room.
I sigh as I turn on the couch to look at the television set. The screen blinks, plunging the room into darkness, the screen shows something again, a channel with a signal it can barely hold onto. I recognise the program on as one of our local soapies. I frown in disappointment before it blinks to another static channel once again.
I guess cable is the way to go... if you don't want to have a fierce battle with the ariel (antenna) that is. We have satellite tv but I currently lack the interest to watch. It has been so long since I’ve watched television, I’ve missed so much: Star Wars Rebels, Alone, Forged in Fire, Would I lie to You... I feel a slight annoyance but mostly, I feel nothing. I mean, it was cool to be at a party and tell a member of the opposite sex, ‘Yeah, I don't watch tv.; Ha! I’d get very snoby too. Being snobby is a luxery for me, so when there’s an opportunity to openly look down on someone, I make full use of it. I’ll probably succumb to it and begin binging in no time, I hate it but I know it is enevitable, like Anikan turning to the Dark Side, like the 9th Doctor saying sorry; like Pax finding the lost city of Urbo... wait, Pax never found Urbo! Urgh, what’s the point of naming a cartoon, Urbo: The Adventures of Pax Afrika, if the titular hero LOSES THE PLOT AND DOESN’T EVEN TRY AND FIND URBO!!
The television blinks again onto another static channel but this time, its white light throws 6 elongated shadows onto me. I whip my head around to gaze at the 6 silhouettes that have appeared in my bedroom. I know these people, these are my people... well at least people who aren’t my people think that they are my people, which is a conclusion I don't agree with but as with many judgments made against you, one doesn’t have to agree, just live with it. These people, me included, compose the group, the league, the club, the organisation: The 7 Couch Vegetable Disadvantages.
“Hey guys,” I say as I shoot straight up on the couch.
“That’s quite the way to greet us,” the one roughly in the middle of the 6 says, “considering your crimes.”
Public ID: Red Tomato
The man who had just spoken was the leader of our little hateful club. He was tall, thin, pale and he wore a white fur jacket made from some poor endangered (although now technically extinct) polar bear cub. In his fingertips he held a martini glass with a long thin straw in it. We did not actually chose him to be our leader, in his ultimate moment of delusion, he believed that we wanted him to be our leader, not taking into account that we don't even want to be a ‘we’.
“What crimes?” I say defensively.
“Like dragging me away from my manga!” The girl at the far right said.
Public Persona: Focused Lettuce
Mmmmmm... the woman who just spoke is one who has occupied my mind for many hours of the day and ALL hours of the night, especially my night! She is the treasurer of our postponed mosh-pit. I know what your thinking, if she is so obsessive that she personifies a Disadvantage of being couch vegetable, then why would we name her treasure? Won’t she spend all our money on her obsessions? The thing is, she is too busy satisfying her obsessions to spend our money or do anything underhanded. I just wish that she’d satisfy my obsession with her! MMMMMMMM! In hindsight, she’s not that pretty nor is her personality match with mine but she has one thing going for her. She’s Asian. Therefore she’s exotic! I know in her native country of China, she’s as exotic as a hair in my eyebrows but I’m not in China, so don't judge me! Anyways, I’ve never been with an Asian chick... come to think f it, I’ve never been with any chick.
“Hey, :! Its good to see-“
“Hey, no names remember!” A guy next to :... uhh I mean Obsessive irritatingly said. “We stick strictly to code names or public persona ideas.”
Public Persona: Cucumber2346
The stickler for the rules is Loneliness. He was of an average height and bald. When I say bald, I mean he had no hair anywhere on his head... he did not even have eyebrows! He claims to be like this all over his body. None of us have confirmed it but we’re not exactly the kind of organisation to plan an annual pool party... and even if we did, we would not show up just to spite each other. When Delusional asked him about it, he said he went to far with the Wax On, Brazilian Wax Off. I guess of the guys in our group, I hate him the least and includes myself. I see a kindred spirit in him.
“C-C-Can we j-j-just conti-conti-continue with the-the-the- business at ha-ha-ha... at present?”
Public Persona: Onion Overlord
Onion Overlord has spoken. I was kind of jealous of her cool public persona... we all were, hence to balance out her awesomeness we made her responsible for the group’s communication. Which is kind of making fun of her stuttering. Yes, that’s how pathetic this group is, we make fun of disabled chicks. Wait, is having a stutter even a disability? Anyways, she rounded up our demography rather well. She was our group’s Hawkgirl, not as famous or beloved as Wonder Woman but she gives us the opportunity for us to say that we practice gender equality. Yes, young girls, you can be anything, including being a loser like us [thumbs up].
“R-R-Right, Lazi-Lazi-Lazi ... Cabbage?”
Public Persona: Cabbage
The man Awkwardness spoke to was Laziness, our public representative, for lazy is what people think of most of us, so who better to drive such stereotypes other than the laziest one of us. By the way, I am not lazy, it takes stamina and work... to binge watch the new Samurai Jack on your laptop only to sleep for 4 hours. Anyways, Laziness is an annoying scumbag jerk. In my opinion, he is the worst of us. He sat on a wheelchair and wore dark glasses. Mind you, he was not disable, he was just too lazy to walk on his feet so he bought an electric operated wheelchair. What a jerk! I mean, sure we made fun of disable people (Awkwardness) but he pretended to be one! That has got to be worse!
“Aren’t you going to say anything to me, Laziness?” I look at the guy with annoyance and he remains quiet.
Pshht, does he think he is too good to speak to me?! In my own home?! He better watch himself! I’ve watched all 5 Karate Kid movies, so you best believe he may get splurked!
Public Persona: The Versatile Potato
Yes, that I am... me? The Versatile Potato, I can be boiled cooked, fried, sweet, normal, heaslthy, unhealthy, brown or red (or is it purple. I have a love for writing and although I doubt my skill in the craft, these idiots placed me as the measter. I write about the adventures we have, which I’m sure you can tell by the numerous stories I have written about us, we have next to zero adventures with each other... although, I wouldn’t mind an adventure with Obsessive. MMMM!
“Anyways, why are you people here?”
“We’ve heard that you haven’t been watching telly lately,” Delusional said, trying to sound like Sean Connery as he sipped from his martini glass, “That is grounds for us to take your Couch Vegetable License away.”
“Wait, that only happened because the television was broken.” I say waving my hands wildly. “As you can see I no longer have those problems because Mommy brought a new tv!” I gestured to the television set.
“A-A-Are you en-en-enjoying your pro-pro-pro... what your watching?” Awkwardness gestured at the static tv screen. “I-I-It looks rever-rever-rever... interesting.”
“I was about to watch something,” I said as I fumbled for the remote.
I changed to the satellite channels and a crystal image, better than what our old tv could give us blinked to life. My breathe caught in my throat at the beauty but then it caught because of the horror of what was on. It was a kids puppet program called The Cool Catz. Their juvenile theme song blasted through the high sound quality of our new tv.
“Wait, wait...” I hastely say, “I don't watch this!”
“Awe!” Obsessive made a cute sound at the back of her throat as she watched the puppets on screen, “They are so cute!”
“I watch that!” I say. “Everyday!”
“Well, regardless,” Delusional looked at me with unmasked disgust, “if you’ll retain your license, you have to prve yourself by writing the Couch Vegetable Qualification Exam.”
“Exam? I didn’t have to take an exam to initially enter.”
“Its a new rule I proposed,” Loneliness said.
“And I seconded it,” Delusional said.
“Okay fine, give me the stupid test.” I say throwing my hands up in exasperation.
“Here it is,” Delusional gave me his phone which apparently had an app with the test on it. “You need majority correct to pass.
“Awe man, can I call my Mommy for help if I can’t answer?”
“Abs-Abs-Absolutely n-n-n... No!” Awkwardness answered.
Delusional question was first up. I knew this because the app showed his question his portrait at the corner of the screen.
It was a question about James Bond. Right!
A giant green tick covered the screen causing me to smile before the next question slid in place.
Obsessive’s question was about manga and anime. I don't know much about manga or anime. Wrong!
A giant red cross appeared on the screen.
Loneliness’ question about social media was next, something I’m not very good at t. Wrong!
Awkwardness asked about the new Game of Thrones and thanks to the unlimited spoilers that I have suffered, I know it without actually having watched it. Right!
One last question remained, Laziness’. His screen came up and I was confused. He had no profile portrait. Pssht, he was too lazy to take a picture!I stare at him with disgust and he stares right bacvk, undeterred. I look away... not because I lost the stare down. Its easy to stare a guy in the eye when you have shades on! Bloody Laziness!
I turn my attention to the question.
What? He did not write a question but whatever answer I gave would have been correct. Maybe I misjudged Laziness. Maybe he is a pretty decent g... wait a minute! What am I doing? I don't even want to be in this stupid group. No one does! So why did I just do my best to stay in when I had just been given a way out?!! Bhaka Bhaka Bhaka. Hey, I bet Laziness knew this and that is why he awarded me the question. That bastard wants to keep me in so that I can suffer.
I glare at the scum in the wheelchair. This time I will not back down! His head drooped down and away from my sight. Ha, I win!
“Well done,” Delusional said, “You may retain your license.”
“Hooray,” I sarcastically say.
“Now we may disperse so I can get back to my manga!” Obsessive said.
“Actually, I was thinking that maybe... we can have some dinner.”
We all (other than Laziness cause that jerk’s lazy) looked at Loneliness.
“Well, this is the first time we’ve all gathered like this in the flesh,” he explains. “ I think we should all have dinner as part of a social exercise.”
Maybe it was the fact that I had not grown attached to the television yet but I was not apposed to that. “That sounds great!”
“What about my manga?”
“Do not fret, I’ll buy you some manga before you go home.” Delusional said.
“O-O-O... alright!” Awkwardness said.
“Fine, than let us go.”
They all began filing out of the room. How did they get in my house in the first place?!
I should probably ask Mommy for some cash, in case Delusional doesn’t get it in his head that he is Richie rich and makes us split the bill. I was about to leave when I tripped over a wheelchair.
“Laziness, seriously, you better leave my house now!” I say shaking my fist. He isn’t even looking at me. He still looks to the floor from the last time I had gave him a stare down. Wow, I’m more powerful than I thought. “Yo, Laziness, I won’t hurt you if you leave now.” I shake him and that is when I hear that he has been snoring. The jerk has been asleep this whole time!
His head starts to shake. “Mmm... oh, Dependency. Nice to see you again! Where is everyone, oh there they are!” Laziness wills his wheelchair forward with its joystick while I clench my fists.
Or is it?
Nah I’m messing with you, its definitely the end.
Emerald Viper (39)