Author has written 9 stories for Life, Love, Politics, and General.
Dear Silent Companion,
Have you ever been so lost, so thoughtless, that your soul begins to feel numb? Have you ever stared at a piece of paper so hard that your eyes begin to cross and your frustration begins to flare? Have you ever felt so abandoned that your heart begins to ache, your mind begins to pound and your eyes begin to sting? Have you ever looked around and wondered why you’re even where you are right then and there? Have you ever questioned the importance of even the tiniest of things - you have, haven’t you? I’m sure you have felt so minuscule at least once during your time trying to understand your purpose in this shaded gray empty place. If you haven’t then they wouldn’t have told me about you - if you hadn’t then I wouldn’t have made this letter and I wouldn’t have ever known that someone had at least cared enough to read my written voice. I was once told at a very young age that only very few people could ever so much as grasp the reason why I think the way I do but no one would ever truly understand why I am who I am.
Did you know that? Did you know that despite people who suffer through the same torment, they would never truly understand each other? And do you know why? Do you know why we feel so alone?
It’s because no one could ever think the same exact thoughts we do or feel the same level of intensity of emotion that we have felt. We feel so alone because there’s only one of us in this seemingly endless world. And that terrifies us, it nags in the deepest part of our mind because we know that we will never be understood. No one, not even ourselves, will and could ever truly understand us. So we remain doubtful, confused and vulnerable. We never begin to question our surroundings because we can’t even answer the important questions about ourselves. But for once close your eyes and look at your surroundings, your world. See what no one else wants to see because I believe that it is only when we acknowledge the truth, the lies, and the hurt could we ever begin to understand why things are the way they are.
So for once can you close your eyes, count to ten and see the things that I see - see the things that torment my mind at night. Can you do this for me because at this very moment I truly believe that only you can see what I see; only you can so much as experience the same darkness that I have and not let it drag you down to the deepest depth of damnation. Did you close your eyes? Did you count to ten- Good, now open your mind and face the bitter truth. Can you see it? Can you see how falsely dull our colors are? Can you see how fake our people’s smiles are? Can you feel it? Can you feel how cold our morals have become? Can you imagine it? Can you imagine our world’s facade melting away? Can you see the mechanical gender-less doll it left behind- can you see what I see? Can you see how lifeless this doll's eyes are? They’re so vacant, so void and yet so familiar, aren’t they? Can you see the stitches that keeps this doll’s voice contained? Can you feel the heartbreak of being silenced? Can you see the barb wires that bind and control it’s every movement? Do you feel powerless yet? Can you see the pain in its very being and can you feel the coldness of its metal bones as you try to help it? Can you see its face twist and turn in pure agony as it reveals the face of your love ones? Can you see my face- can you see yourself? The grip in your heart is painful, isn’t it? Now imagine feeling this sensation every day since the age of four, since the day you barely began to feel the emotion in our atmosphere.
I’ll have you know that you have now become the first person to have ever hear me say this: I’m hurting and I don’t know why. I guess it’s the fact that I know that you don’t know who I am that has allowed me to tell you so much about myself, to so willingly expose myself and my fears. I can never tell these things to my family because they don’t want to listen. They don’t want to know that I’m not always okay. I have hurt my family, my mother, so much as it is. I have placed so much burden on them that I swear I can hear the ground break with every step they take. Since the day my mother finally left my father and his unfaithful ways, I haven’t been truly happy. I can’t sleep without remembering my mother’s cry as she held me close. I can’t leave a door without remembering the days in which I have spent sleeping near the doorway waiting for my father to return. I can’t speak Spanish without hearing the foreign arguments my parents used to have late at night. I can’t do anything without questioning the importance of it because since that age I have lost all will to remember. I don’t want to remember those years of pure unadulterated confusion because it’s like I don’t even know who that child was anymore. Have you ever felt like that? Have you ever felt as if every time you reflect on your past, you’re trespassing? It’s like I can’t remember those years without feeling as if I was invading someone’s life. But this remains between you and me, right? This is a secret between strangers. It’s only between my silent companion, my listener, my reader and me because I have no one else.
I’m sorry to have written so much, I just had to say everything and as I reread this letter I still can’t seem to be able to delete a single word. I’m sorry, my silent companion, but you’re the only one I have left. You’re the only one who would read every single word I have written in this single damn page and I guess that’s why I had written all that I have written – because this might be the last chance I can ever have to be heard. So thank you, thank you for being you and not trying to understand me because I don’t want to be understood I just want to be acknowledged, to be heard, to be listened to. I want the effort I put in every single thing I do to be seen and appreciated because it’s so hard to even turn the damn fucking doorknob each day. So thank you; thank you to the end of all time and continuum.
With all the love and pain in my heart and soul,
P. S: From this day forward, if you ever see what I see again, don’t be afraid. Just remember somewhere and at some time I am seeing what you have seen. Somewhere and at some time I have closed my eyes and faced the truth and didn’t cry because for once we’re finally not alone on this one. I had you.