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Joined 01-09-02, id: 151959
Author has written 4 stories for General, General, and Humor.
Welcome to! Not just a website, but a state of mind…

Well, seek and ye shall find. Welcome to my humble abode. Actually, I highly doubt that you really were searching for me, but hey, it sounds good.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Ok, I know my profile is long, and probably most of you are not going to read it, but here it is anyway.

Hello. I am Ross. *The* Ross. No last name, like Madonna. *Real* authors don't need last names. Bah! I suppose you all have last names... O well, it figures.

I live in the Good Old U.S. of A. The state of Florida, in fact, though I'd rather not. Let me tell you this: it is one of the most boring places in the world. Unless you have two hearing aides, can't drive, can't see, and wear *waaaay* too much perfume, it is not really the spot for you. Unless you like the beach, which a lot of people do, but I don't. Sorry.

I'm extremely happy that it's the summer. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through another year of high school. When I ended last year, I was beginning to develop nervous twitches. I'm serious. If someone had even *said* the words 'Native American' (don't ask; something to do with my freak English teacher. No offense meant to anyone out there who actually is Native American) I think I would have burst out crying.

Inspiration comes in the oddest places. Both of the poems (by the way: A poem is never finished, only abandoned) that I wrote either came to me at three in the morning, or while doing particularly boring math homework. But, as Oscar Wilde once said, the only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

I do have a sidekick, Saruman, though he really isn't a great muse, since he's always off in one war-torn place or another trying to build an evil tower or reforge a ring. So far, though, he's only been able to pour his cruelty and malice into a cuff-link. A pretty ugly one in fact, so it won't really do him much good. Ah, well, I let him get on with it... I am also seriously considering hiring Arthur Dent (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series) as another sidekick...

I'm not really this cranky, the worst of me just seems to get out on the internet.

By the way, flames don't bother me at all...I'd actually find one funny... But since I don't even get any reviews, I don't really expect one soon. I, myself, am too nice to flame...but I know there are people out there *a* *lot* meaner than I am, so keep those flames coming!

It is good to be the king...

Likes/obsessions (I know everyone does these, but I couldn’t resist!)-
~Lord of the Rings. You’d have to be crazy not to! I admit, I saw the movie before I read the books, and loved it. (I saw it ten times altogether…). In fact, I loved it so much, I ran out, bought the books, and read them all in less than a week. I even tried to read the Silmarillion; though I couldn’t finish it…I’m planning on giving it another go soon, though. Now, I am determined on only writing from the book. I especially like the languages that His Wonderful, Nice Greatness (Tolkien, MHRIP) incorporated into the books. I learned a bit of Sindarin, and I have almost mastered the Elvish writing system. Fun.
~Harry Potter. (I don’t mean to gloat, but) I read Harry Potter before all of you other people did! (Except for a bunch of you, but you don’t count… Don’t spoil my fun!). No, seriously, I’m not kidding…I found it in a tiny bookstore, in the way back, and I took the only copy. This was about 5 years ago, before this whole HP craze was even in anybody’s mind. I read it, and I frantically searched every library and bookstore to see if it had a sequel. I found it, but say it was only being sold in England (it was that long ago), so I got my Aunt to get it for me. Did I mention I have to tendency to ramble on pointlessly? No! How could she do this! The next book might not be out until NEXT YEAR! O cruel world…
~The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Trilogy (has five books…hee!). If you haven’t read it yet, go now! Go! Scoot! It’s by Douglas Adams, and is amazingly funny. And yes, the stories *do* have a point! I occasionally go into long ramblings about the plotlines of the book, especially to people, such as my parents, who have not read them yet. The looks on their faces are priceless! (Complete and utter bewilderment).
~Fanfiction. A thoroughly satisfying substitute for the real thing. I actually enjoy reading more than writing, but when inspiration strikes, who can resist?
~Invader Zim. I have recently acquired a liking for this bizarre, loony cartoon. It is just so weird that I cannot resist! I can’t believe that they (did you ever notice that people refer to ‘they’ a lot? Who is this ‘they’? Whoever they are, they sure are responsible for a ton of stuff…) are thinking of taking it off the air! Long live Gir!
~Crystal Light pink lemonade. I seem to have gained an addiction to this sugary, bug-attracting stuff…
~Smints. Smints are these tiny little, mint/candy things that I am ABSOLUTELY ADDDICTED to! I was introduced to them by my friend Rena (Icefire here on FFN, go check her out), who now refuses to give me any, since I devour them like popcorn (which I don’t particularly like). They come in a variety of flavours, both mint and fruit, and they are really amazing! And they come in a cool little dispenser, too!
~Languages. Of all shapes and sizes (metaphorically). I especially like the ones of the Celtic language group. I am currently trying to learn Irish Gaelic and Welsh. I constantly annoy my friends by conversing with all of the words that I know in these two languages. (About 25 altogether…better get moving!)
~British accents! I love them! Shout-out to all of my British readers! (If I have any.)… It’s better just to not ask.
~My current musical obsession is Jimmy Eat World. Their new CD is SO GREAT. Favourite songs: Bleed American and Sweetness.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad...

Am I making sense to you?...Of course not.

Dislikes/utter loathing-
~Legolas. Before you destroy me, let me clarify. I don’t hate Legolas, not in the least (very good character!), I just hate all of the people who make him out to be the *only* character. [Beats back rabid, slobbering fangirls attacking him with a copy of the Two Towers (my favourite in the series!)] Back! Back I say! Anyway, whom they really like is Orlando Bloom, not Legolas! Go write an actor fic!
~MARY SUES! AAH! Die, vile scum! I hate Mary Sues. Above all else. Go infest some other universe! All Mary Sues should have the category ‘Humour/Sickening.’ If you feel the same way I do, read ‘Protectors of the Plot Continuum’ by Harpwire.
~Bad grammar. Bad grammar drives me up a wall. As an editor, I tend to edit anything not nailed to the ground (though things that are sometimes get the treatment too…). People: read through your work. Make sure the sentences flow. USE COMMAS! SPELLCHECK IS YOUR FRIEND! Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
~Gimli/Boromir haters. What is wrong with them? Are they infected with a rare tropical disease that gives you writers-block, or something? They are perfectly fine characters! Boromir is one of the best characters, since he is interesting. He’s a noble man, who was corrupted by the rings evil power. He’s not as much of a bastard as the movie makes him out to be! He saves Merry and Pippin! Gimli is cool too! The only reason people don’t like him is because he isn’t smoochalicious [rolls eyes] in the movie. That is not a good reason not to like someone! Geez! Think Gimli the Dwarf, not John Rhys-Davies the actor.
~People who only write from the movie. The first step of being a good fanfiction writer is to *know* *your* *source*! If you are going to write something about Elrond’s other daughter, then you might as well know about Elrond, and who his real daughters are. (Actually, if you knew your source, you wouldn’t be writing one of those in the first place… I think stories such as those fall snugly into the Mary Sue area).
~Fingernails on a blackboard. No explanation needed.
~Math. Drives me crazy! I HATE IT! Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Are you getting all of this?

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former...


So go! Do great things! Change the world! Read! Review! The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense...

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Salt, sweat, sugar on the asphalt.
Our hearts littering the topsoil.
Tune in, and we can get the last call.
Our lives, our coal.
Salt, sweat, sugar on the asphalt.
Our hearts littering the topsoil.
Sign up, it the picket line or the parade.
Our lives.
-Jimmy Eat World, 'Bleed American'

You have been warned...

Words and White Spaces by Rb reviews
Insert exciting summary here. It's a stream-of-consciousness. Exciting, no?
Fiction: General - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 2 - Words: 3,927 - Reviews: 17 - Favs: 7 - Updated: 6/13/2001 - Published: 3/6/2001
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Abre la Puerta, el Muslo Esta el Cuchillo Hoy reviews
The quest of a destitute Flamenco dancer, trying to make it in the world using his God-given talent. Er...not really. This all stemmed from a misspelling. THIS IS WHAT BAD GRAMMAR DOES TO PEOPLE!
Fiction: Humor - Rated: K - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 582 - Reviews: 3 - Published: 9/23/2002
Eyes in the Median reviews
You pass by them every day. Lying on the sidewalk, begging for spare change, selling newspapers or flowers in the middle of the road each morning. You see them. And they see you too.
Fiction: General - Rated: K+ - English - Drama - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,275 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 1 - Updated: 9/14/2002 - Published: 9/13/2002
Can They Give It to Me? reviews
Riiiiight...really odd, non-anything all good poetry has. The words just came to me...I'm not insane, I swear! Whatever...a poem about slavery.
Poetry: General - Rated: K+ - English - Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 359 - Reviews: 4 - Published: 4/23/2002
What Am I? reviews
This is just a little, non-rhyming, basically unstructured poem I wrote for English class. It's about prejudice, and I happen to like it.
Poetry: General - Rated: K - English - Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 254 - Reviews: 3 - Published: 4/20/2002