Satan's Little Helper
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Joined 05-02-02, id: 208088
Author has written 29 stories for Humor, Song, Religion, Life, Essay, General, Humor, Play, General, Romance, Action, and Young Adult.

Probably most of what's on this page deserves to be set on fire and kicked off a bridge.

I leave it in your more than capable hands.

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peace to his people by breakdown in the waiting room reviews
that thrill you cannot explain, and the guilt of the afterwards like an electrical cord around your neck. (my god, i have forsaken thee) prose-poem about priests and pedophilia.
Poetry: Religion - Rated: M - English - Spiritual/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 568 - Reviews: 23 - Favs: 8 - Published: 8/26/2005
Klutz Toxic Butterfly by Silvae reviews
A group of gay college students are making their way through life - in their own eccentric ways. Smashing music, tattoos, hate and love; need I say more? [SLASH M/M]
Fiction: Romance - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 18 - Words: 61,395 - Reviews: 396 - Favs: 229 - Follows: 53 - Updated: 3/20/2005 - Published: 1/27/2004
WWGND?: The Nonpornographic, porno movie by Rudolph2 reviews
Who needs religion when I've got Star Wars? Instead of praying to God, I'll pray to Chewbacca, but I won't worship him. I'll worship Princess Leia, but only when she wears the bikini.
Poetry: Religion - Rated: K - English - Poetry/Spiritual - Chapters: 1 - Words: 23 - Reviews: 10 - Favs: 1 - Published: 7/25/2004
Frolicking song by Deliala reviews
Subject to mother's approval. Who cares anyway?
Poetry: Religion - Rated: K+ - English - Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 125 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Published: 5/8/2004
Hey Hannibal by underjoyed reviews
Inspired by The Passion of the Christ ;)
Poetry: Religion - Rated: K+ - English - Spiritual - Chapters: 1 - Words: 346 - Reviews: 18 - Favs: 8 - Published: 5/1/2004
Thanks for Not Closing the Blinds by Nails For Your Crucifix reviews
Mr. Harper is an older man who enjoys watching his neighbors and their sexual encounters through his telescope. Rated for explicit sex, voyeurism and implied sadomasochism. Please R&R
Fiction: General - Rated: M - English - Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,286 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 4 - Published: 3/19/2004
Black Tuesday by Sven the Bounder reviews
An original screenplay about the highs and lows of teenage life in Manchester, England, and how fighting change can sometimes ruin the things that you have.
Fiction: Play - Rated: T - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 3 - Words: 3,758 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 2 - Updated: 1/28/2004 - Published: 1/16/2004
To the Betrayers by Evil Eric reviews
To those who think they can abandon me and not suffer for it...
Poetry: Religion - Rated: T - English - Angst/Horror - Chapters: 1 - Words: 110 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Published: 1/28/2004
A Sonnet to Someone I Hate by littlest clouds reviews
An English assignment. I had to write a sonnet in the style of Shakespeare, to someone I didn't like. Review or the chicken gets it! ::waves rubber chicken in air::
Poetry: Humor - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 134 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 1 - Published: 12/25/2003
God is an American by havocsharbinger reviews
And so I laugh at your pathetic shade-grown world.
Poetry: Religion - Rated: T - English - Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 222 - Reviews: 10 - Favs: 1 - Published: 8/8/2003
Stay Beautiful by underjoyed reviews
"If you don't know me by now, you will never, ever, ever know me." How do you know what's put on for the cameras and what's real? "All rock and roll is homosexual". [slash]
Fiction: General - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 12 - Words: 13,438 - Reviews: 59 - Favs: 33 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 7/25/2003 - Published: 5/27/2003
Mort Aux Tyran by Ann H reviews
The title is French and the translation is "Death To The Tyrant." There is a tyrant in all of us... even god.
Poetry: Religion - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 585 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 2 - Published: 7/5/2003
Death comes to all by Satan Will Eat You reviews
Um...once again, not good at summaries. Just read. And review.
Fiction: General - Rated: T - English - Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,834 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 1 - Published: 5/21/2003
The High School Copy Machine by Kanefan123 reviews
Ya know.... School doesn't teach it imprints
Poetry: School - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 120 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 1 - Published: 4/13/2003
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Loitering Only reviews
Summer in utopia: a slurpee, a well-kept front lawn, and a kid with hippie hair and a Philosophy. Most epiphanies happen under more duress.
Fiction: Young Adult - Rated: T - English - Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 375 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 9/1/2005
Three Layers of Laytex and a Gas Mask
(and other rules of thumb). Kristen remembered reading about minimum wage despoilers of the service industry, and figured that the ammonia in a good piss would probably only serve to take the edge off whatever hellish corrosives went into the food alread
Fiction: Young Adult - Rated: T - English - Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 595 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Published: 9/1/2005
Cleaning Up
Mafia-style. "You made a terrible protégé. Thank god. It’ll make this far, far easier."
Fiction: Action - Rated: T - English - Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 415 - Published: 9/1/2005
Untitled GlamRock Fic reviews
Jason Matte's not nearly goddamn old enough to have nostalgia, and when he has his way, he's not nearly sober enough to have regrets, either. But hell if that means he's going to be the one to avoid the confrontation. WIP, m/m, language (what did you ex
Fiction: Romance - Rated: M - English - Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,513 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 9/1/2005
Hamster Death Gulps Do the Caribbean reviews
When I asked my little brother to write me "a gripping summary," he wrote "GROPE" and left it at that. Suffice to say, it has a lot to do with alcohol and blue, and nothing at all to do with the Pope (though I find him oddly amusing as well).
Fiction: Humor - Rated: T - English - Horror/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 831 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 8/28/2005
Accidental reviews
About a murder or so. Mafia-style. Written for thefirstline on LiveJournal (the profanity got great reviews).
Fiction: General - Rated: M - English - Drama/Suspense - Chapters: 1 - Words: 929 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 8/26/2005
The Hallmark Anarchist reviews
A third Christian the Atheist Holiday Production. Learn the truth about Dick Cheney's title role in "It's a Wonderful Life," Jesus candy canes, and peddling worthless crap at a Hallmark store. Because $5.25 an hour isn't exactly hush money.
Fiction: Humor - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,725 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 12/24/2004
Christian Makes His Case reviews
Christian is such a charming person, really. Criticism of faulty Christian theology, meaningless feel-good bullshit, and various rituals, symbols, euphemisms and widely accepted social values. Very much meant to be read by the other side.
Poetry: Religion - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 3 - Words: 5,300 - Reviews: 41 - Favs: 1 - Updated: 11/30/2004 - Published: 7/3/2003
Ween reviews
A Trick-or-Treating story. Humor, gross immaturity, and a vague touch of slash. And candy and stupid costumes, naturally. Pathetically late, but somewhat appropriate nonetheless.
Fiction: General - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,440 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 1 - Published: 11/23/2004
Prerequisite reviews
(I go to a shrink, can I be a rockstar yet) I'm absolutely sure that with a Green Day style guitar riff and some distortion you could pull this off, and it would probably even be funny.
Poetry: Song - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 265 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 1 - Published: 11/22/2004
Godliness: Amoeba reviews
How well do you know this god you claim to emulate? How well do you remember your high school biology? How well do you know the idiocy that results from trying to believe in Evolution and the Bible at the same time? Serious premise; Stupid poem.
Poetry: Religion - Rated: T - English - Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 325 - Reviews: 14 - Favs: 2 - Published: 8/29/2004
Sanguinea's Crimson reviews
"Crimson the color of blood rocketed forth from her capillaries, scarleting the floor with its rubyness." Sanguinea loves her pointy caped avenger of life-liquid liberation. Intentional crapfic, with apologies to the .01% of cutting poems that are good.
Poetry: General - Rated: M - English - Angst/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 608 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 1 - Published: 8/29/2004
Musical Squirrels reviews
Or:"Cope with Life By Stabbing Your Standards Violently in the Face" When Michaela is musically abused by her DJ boyfriend at a school dance, she needs her friend Jessi to teach her a wide-spread survival skill: drastically lowered standards.
Fiction: Play - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,107 - Reviews: 9 - Published: 2/19/2004
Christian's Craptacular Christmas reviews
A 'Christian the Atheist' production. It's cynical, overcritical, slightly anarchist...gives you that warm fuzzy holiday feeling all over, doesn't it? Joy to the world.
Fiction: Humor - Rated: T - English - Angst/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 830 - Reviews: 8 - Published: 12/24/2003
A Christmastime Conversion reviews
About the holiday season, and how it has helped me find my faith. It's kind of counterintuitive, but see it through.
Poetry: Religion - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Spiritual - Chapters: 1 - Words: 441 - Reviews: 7 - Published: 12/20/2003
A Parody of Work reviews
As opposed to a work of parody. The epitome of poetry: not only is it complete bullplop; it is actually written on the subject of bullplop. And it has two really awesome middle lines.
Poetry: Humor - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 176 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 1 - Published: 12/14/2003
Wonderful reviews
Sarcasm! A 13-year old with an ..unique ..outlook on life recounts his encounters with idiocy of varying degree and nature within his wonderful suburb. Includes said idiots: getting lost in a sewer system, 'protecting extinct animals
Fiction: General - Rated: T - English - Humor/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,935 - Reviews: 5 - Published: 12/4/2003
Death as a Spectator Sport reviews
Thesis: "Death is not only evolutionarily productive, but also highly entertaining." A 5-paragraph essay on death and its various forms. Written for school, counterintuitively enough.
Fiction: Essay - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Horror - Chapters: 1 - Words: 999 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 1 - Published: 11/12/2003
Disappointment reviews
I'm a disappointment. And I'm ok with that. A poem about our society's expectations and drastically skewed perceptions of right and wrong. Social, religious, and sexual themes-rebellion and angst all around! Offensive to assholes.
Poetry: Life - Rated: M - English - Angst/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,185 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 1 - Published: 10/20/2003
We're Screwed, People reviews
We ARE! Accept it! We're all screwed, we always were, we always will be, and there's nothing to be done. There is no hope, there are no possibilities. We're just screwed, beyond any doubt.
Poetry: Religion - Rated: T - English - Angst/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 264 - Reviews: 11 - Published: 9/15/2003
Spiritual Dementia reviews
Less offensive than my usual fare, but alas. The title came from a guy misspeaking talking about the "Spiritual Dimension" It's a shakespearean sonnet that stemmed from the idea that God should worship Satan. And yes, it is poetic.
Poetry: Religion - Rated: K+ - English - Spiritual/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 153 - Reviews: 14 - Favs: 3 - Published: 8/24/2003
So You Want to be a Silly Catholic reviews
Satire, but with a philosophical element. Spiritual dementia, I think is the classification. Mocking the romanticized view of christianity people use when they try to 'recruit.' Lecherous and Moronic Clergymen POV.
Poetry: Religion - Rated: T - English - Parody/Spiritual - Chapters: 1 - Words: 649 - Reviews: 24 - Favs: 3 - Published: 8/23/2003
Some Undefined Religion reviews
Basically along the lines of: There is a God, and I don't care. Either an ungrateful non-believer's poem, or a parody of an ungrateful non-believer's poem. I don't like this one much anymore.
Poetry: Religion - Rated: T - English - Parody/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 149 - Reviews: 6 - Published: 8/8/2003
Fear, Anger, Hatred reviews
"The dark side are they.." Yoda's Jedi teaching? Nope. Catholicism. Long story short, I wanted to write an evil poem, but needed a subject. God provided.
Poetry: Religion - Rated: K+ - English - Angst/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 220 - Reviews: 9 - Published: 7/24/2003
Conspiracy Theory reviews
A battle hymn, so to speak. Everything is a freaking conspiracy, which is bad because it makes my life crap, and good because it gives me something to blame for it. Complete with Stabbing!
Poetry: Song - Rated: M - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 380 - Reviews: 4 - Published: 5/27/2003
Effing Unbelievable reviews
Dedicated to my dear friend who randomly tried to sue me for making 'threatening' comments. Mostly lighthearted with righteously indignant bits. Dedicated to anyone who is sick of disclaiming everything.
Poetry: Song - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 515 - Reviews: 6 - Published: 4/21/2003
Christian's Cynical Christmas reviews
Christian the atheist presents his reasons for hating Christmas. Nice happy secular sarcasm!!
Fiction: Humor - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 570 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 2 - Published: 1/2/2003
The Stabbing Song reviews
Stabbing, choping, slicing, cannibalism, shooting, swearing, and spontaneous combustion all neatly condensed into jingles. Yay. More when I remember the other verses.
Poetry: Song - Rated: T - English - Humor/Horror - Chapters: 1 - Words: 293 - Reviews: 14 - Favs: 4 - Published: 12/22/2002
The Buffalo Theory reviews
Brain Damage is good for you! Really!
Fiction: Humor - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 228 - Reviews: 10 - Follows: 1 - Published: 7/12/2002