There is a private little fairy tale world inside of my head.
Nobody may enter it, because it is all mine.
And even if anybody else could...it's not like they would understand it.
It's not like it is meant to be understood, but still.
I mean...not even I understand it.
I guess I know why I made it...
Well, actually, I didn't make it. I don't think so...
I think it was my mind that made it, you know, my mind decided to create an escape from R E A L I T Y.
Ugh. What an ugly word. And the terrifying thing -- it means so much...
I mean, well, insanity is the mind's last, tormenting struggle in order to keep itself sane...
It fails, a lot, because the person it belongs to often cannot keep its grip on reality.
Anyways.
So, there's this place inside my head that I go to in order to escape from...everything.
Just...everything. (Wow, "just everything", now there's an oxymoron...)
And this little world is all mine, nobody may invade it, *ever.*
It is odd though, this strange...'cycle' I have...my mind has...every single day, entering and exiting this world.
When I wake up every morning, shaking my dreams away, I am exiting it.
And then, in the afternoon, I am most likely reentering it.
Not through dreams.
Everyday, I find myself suddenly feeling...completely empty.
This entombing emptiness, and it just won't go AWAY.
My friend, my best friend, (who happens to be male and is like a very, very good brother to me...nothing more, thank the Gods. I love him very much, but not in *that* way) says that this feeling is "slight depression" ("Oh, great, now [my name here] is slightly depressed...")
Hah. If only it could be. I think that might be easier to deal with (though I am not sure.)
Okay, anyways...yeh, there's just this...nothingness inside of me.
The weird thing is, it is a very complex sort of nothingness.
It is a nothingness that is filled with many, many feelings.
I guess that the weirdest thing is that I suddenly feel very dependent and very avoidant at the same time.
Like...oh, Gods, I dunno.
I just want everybody to disappear. To go away. To leave me with my thoughts, in my little fairy tale world. With my music. Or, at least, the strange, eerie music that plays itself inside my head. I suddenly want to be left all alone, so I may recuperate, because my Gods, I am suddenly just so tired, so sick and tired and OHGODSWHYWONTITALLEND??!! Yeh...I want it all to end, I want the world to stop, I want to hit a mute button somewhere and stop all the noise pollution, so I may have peace and quiet to try to figure out where the ends meet and just where it was in my life that I began to really *hate* myself. I want peace and quiet so I may find answers. Answers to questions that do not exist.
And, yet, at the same time, as I want to scream at the world to go away, I suddenly want to be very, very close to it, I suddenly want to be held by somebody, held closely by somebody I know and trust. I want to tell them of this feeling, this awful, empty feeling, I want to cry on their shoulder and tell them who I am and what I feel and the answers I seek {not caring whether or not they know the answers}. I want to be with the world, I do not want to be left alone, because loneliness is the worst thing of all [to me]. I do not want to be invisible. I want people to know *me, and to LOVE *ME*!! I want these people that know and love my mask to see me, and to know who I *really* am, and to *love me, to accept me... There is one person that knows me, really *knows* me, and in some cases, knows me better than *I* know me. And so, one would expect that, by now, I could tell him everything, about this feeling and other things, and that I could tell him without being afraid. Sadly, it is not so. In fact, I think that, at the moment, he is the *last* person I want to know about...some things. And that's because I am so afraid that he will think of me differently, that he will set his sights and standards lower for me, and that he will stop seeing me as a friend, and may even come to hate me in the way that I hate myself.
There is a secret fairy tale world inside of me, and there is a secret me inside of me. I have yet to see her in her entirety.
So, pretty much, I cannot trust the one I most trust because I am so afraid of abandonment.
I think the worst part is, he doesn't know.
Which makes no sense. You would think that I would want him to remain clueless about my secrets.
I mean, I am rather glad he is.
But, you see, I want him to know, to find out, because I do not want to tell him myself...
Because if I do, he will probably think that I was just trying to get more attention from him.
Or, he will think that I am a complete nutcase, and should not be taken seriously.
Really though, either one could be true.
And so, the hardest thing will be distinguishing the truth from what my little fairy tale world [that is out of touch with reality] is telling me is the truth.
I think I'm in for some long, sleepless nights this summer.