If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?

God created men first, cause you always make a sloppy copy before a masterpiece!

What happens if you get scared half to death...twice?

Im an angel! Honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo up straight!

4 out of 5 voices in my head say go back to sleep

Guys r like M&Ms some got nutz and some dont!~!

Guyz are NOT worth crying ova and the 1s that are wont eva make u cry

Every girl wants 1 guy 2 meet all her needs, while every guy wants all the girls to meet his 1 need

im not smiling at u, im trying not 2 laugh seriously

a wise man once said~i dono go ask a woman

If you were a knight in shining armor i have no doubt that you would slay the maiden and save the dragon

“You remind me of the man.” “What man?” “The man with the power.” “What power?” “The power of voodoo.” “Who do?” “You do.” “Do what?” “Remind me of the man.”

Whatever happened to Amelia Earhart? Who holds the stars, up in the sky? Is true love just once in a lifetime? Did the captain of the Titanic cry?*Oh, Someday we’ll know if love can move a mountain. Someday we’ll know why the sky is blue. Someday we’ll know why I wasn’t meant for you…*Does anybody know the way to Atlantis, what the wind says when she cries. I’m speeding by the place that I met you, for the ninety-seventh time…*Someday we’ll know if love can move a mountain. Someday we’ll know why the sky is blue. Someday we’ll know why I wasn’t meant for you…*Someday we’ll know why Sampson loved Delilah. One day I’ll go, dancing on the moon. Someday you’ll know, that I was meant for you…*

I am free of all predudices I hate everyone equally

Happiness is good health and bad memory
When women are depressed they eat or go shopping. Men Invade another country.

The real world may cause problems but its the only thing that can fix them

When your born your crying and every1 else is laughing. Live your life so that when you die your laughing and every1 around you is crying
If you cant laugh about life you cry about it but laughter is the stuf that gets you through the day

Inside every older person is a younger person womdering what the hell happened.

1: You know how to use that thing (points 2 sword?
2: Sure the Pointy thing goes into the other guy.

I hate skool, skool hates me end of story

Everyone has a photographic memory... not all of us have film

Im not lazy. I just dont care. Its a motivation issue

Reach for the moon Because even if you fail you will still be among the stars

Well behaved women rarely make history

Build a man a fire he'll stay warm for a day. Set a man on fire he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

An ancestor of mine once said if you eliminate the impossible, what evers left no mater how improbable must be the truth.

First rule of assasinations. Kill the assasins.

If im not back in five minutes... just wait longer

"Well," she said, "there goes my reputation." She sighed. "And it's stealing my breakfast."

I dont know whats scarier losing a nucluer warhead or that it happens so often there's actually a term for it

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?
Answer:
An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whiskey,
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles,
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines!

And this is sent to you by an Armenian,
using Bill Gates' technology,
and you're probably reading this on one of the IBM clones, that
use Taiwanese-made chips, and a Korean-made monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by lorries driven by Indians,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
trucked by Mexican illegals,
and finally sold to you.

That, my friend, is Globalization

"The essence of lying is in deception, not in words

Greed is for amateurs. disorder, Chaos, Anarchy.. Now thats fun (that was dedicated to andrew who while odd is my best friend as is ther next one.)

Your insane.
Ya... aint it fun?

All that glitters is not gold. All those who wander are not lost

Wisdom comes with age. Death comes with age. Therfore wisdom is dangerous

Seen it al, done it all, dont remember half of it

Good judjment comes from bad experience, and alot of that comes from bad judgment

Communism wont work because people like to own stuff.

Im despretly trying to fugure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets

Tell me I may forget
Show me then I may remember
but involve me then I will understand

Woman was created from the ribs of man
Not from his head to tower above him
Nor from his feet to be walked upon
But from under his arm to be protected
From very near his heart to be loved

Angel Knocking at the Door
there came a frantic knock
At the doctor's office door,
A knock, more urgent than
he had ever heard before. "Come in, Come in,"
the impatient doctor said,
"Come in, Come in,
before you wake the dead." In walked a frightened little girl,
a child no more than nine,
It was plain for all to see,
she had troubles on her mind. "Oh doctor, I beg you,
please come with me,
My mother is surely dying,
she's as sick as she can be." "I don't make house calls,
bring your mother here,"
"But she's too sick,
so you must come or she will die I fear." The doctor, touched by her devotion,
decided he would go,
She said he would be blessed,
more than he could know. She led him to her house
where her mother lay in bed,
Her mother was so very sick
she couldn't raise her head. But her eyes cried out for help
and help her the doctor did,
She would have died that very night
had it not been for her kid. The doctor got her fever down
and she lived through the night,
And morning brought the doctor signs,
that she would be all right. The doctor said he had to leave
but would return again by two,
And later he came back to check,
just like he said he'd do. The mother praised the doctor
for all the things he'd done,
He told her she would have died,
were it not for her little one. "How proud you must be
of your wonderful little girl,
It was her pleading that made me come,
she is really quite a pearl! "But doctor, my daughter died
over three years ago,
Is the picture on the wall
of the little girl you know?" The doctors legs went limp
for the picture on the wall,
Was the same little girl
for whom he'd made this call. The doctor stood motionless,
for quite a little while,
And then his solemn face,
was broken by his smile. He was thinking of that frantic knock
heard at his office door,
And of the beautiful little angel
that had walked across his floor.

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.

Take your life in your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.

People can have the Model T in any colour--so long as it's black.

Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature.

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't the fine line between sanity and madness gotten finer?

The height of cleverness is to be able to conceal it.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.

Search others for their virtues, thyself for thy vices.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Talk low, talk slow, and don't talk too much.

Chess is as elaborate a waste of human intelligence as you can find outside an advertising agency.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice, and then going away and doing the exact opposite.

Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age. Nothing does - except wrinkles. It's true, some wines improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place.

Beware of the young doctor and the old barber.

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.

To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

In America any boy may become President and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes.

America's greatest strength, and its greatest weakness, is our belief in second chances, our belief that we can always start over, that things can be made better.

America is a country that doesn't know where it is going but is determined to set a speed record getting there.

I sometimes think that the saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities- a sense of humor and a sense of proportion.

Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then--we elected them.

Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.

Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.

Speak when you are angry--and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret.

The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank.

I have too much respect for the idea of God to make it responsible for such an absurd world.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

It is the final proof of God's omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

I happen to feel that the degree of a person's intelligence is directly reflected by the number of conflicting attitudes she can bring to bear on the same topic.

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

Rarely do great beauty and great virtue dwell together.

When I'm working on a problem, I never think about beauty. I think only how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact than a drunken man is happier than a sober one.

This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book - it makes a very poor doorstop.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

A bone to the dog is not charity. Charity is the bone shared with the dog, when you are just as hungry as the dog.

Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.

I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.

The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children.

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.

Level with your child by being honest. Nobody spots a phony quicker than a child.

Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected.

Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby.

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

The computer is a moron.

When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.

Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too.

Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared.

A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is braver five minutes longer.

Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away.

Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his moccasins.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

Pay no attention to what the critics say... Remember, a statue has never been set up in honor of a critic!

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.

The shaft of the arrow had been feathered with one of the eagle's own plumes. We often give our enemies the means of our own destruction.

He who has a thousand friends has not a friend to spare,
And he who has one enemy will meet him everywhere.

Never explain--your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway.

Rejoice not at thine enemy's fall - but don't rush to pick him up either.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it.

It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.

The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it.

All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.

Men are equal; it is not birth but virtue that makes the difference.

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

Facts are stupid things.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

This thing that we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

If you haven't forgiven yourself something, how can you forgive others?

A woman can forgive a man for the harm he does her...but she can never forgive him for the sacrifices he makes on her account.

Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.

My mother used to say that there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet. She's now in a maximum security twilight home in Australia.

Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Give what you have. To someone, it may be better than you dare to think.

Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need.

At any rate, I am convinced that He [God] does not play dice.

If God lived on earth, people would break his windows.

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.

The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness you'll never find it.

Son, always tell the truth. Then you'll never have to remember what you said the last time.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.

All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.

Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

Life is too important to take seriously.

The purpose of life is to fight maturity.

There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things.

Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.

Don't be a fool and die for your country. Let the other sonofabitch die for his.

Now I know what a statesman is; he's a dead politician. We need more statesmen.

I have come to the conclusion that politics are too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.

The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.

Until you've lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was.

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

In a mad world only the mad are sane.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence.

Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.

I don't really trust a sane person.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.

Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don't like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

Seeing a murder on television... can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.

I have seen the future and it doesn't work.

War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

"If you are going through hell, keep going."

"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true."

"It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts."

"Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me."

"A narcissist is someone better looking than you are."

"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."

"The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time."

"Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd."

"Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done."
- Carl Friedrich Gauss (1777-1855), while working, when informed that his wife is dying

"I worship the quicksand he walks in."

"We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction."

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."

"We live in a country where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest. Yoko Ono is standing right next to him. Not one F*king bullet. Explain that to me! Explain that to me!"

"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness."

"I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine."

"I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious."

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."

"Under the English legal system you are innocent until you are shown to be Irish."

An incompetent lawyer can delay a trial for months or years. A competent lawyer can delay one even longer."

"The only difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road is that there are skid marks around the skunk."

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true.

When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick."

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either

Anyone who can only think of only one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

"I've often thought that the process of aging could be slowed down if it had to go through Congress."

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.

All my life I've wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific

I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability.

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.

If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...

There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.

Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer

Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying.

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there

When you think of the long and gloomy history of man, you will find more hideous crimes have been committed in the name of obedience than have ever been committed in the name of rebellion.

I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.

There are 10^11 stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number. But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit! We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it.