Update- (03/20/13) I haven't written anything in a million years and I just got my password reset. Maybe I'll start posting again. Probably not, though, I work at a desk now and have a BA. Actually I'd love to write again, we'll see.

Note- the vast majority of this was written when I was 14-17. My 23 year old self has determined that the stuff from 17 is pretty decent, and the stuff before that is the ridiculous nonsense one might except from a

(The below biography was written in my English class junior year of high school when I was supposed to be writing a paper about someone from the Crucible. I leave it here and update the age at the end because it seems to amuse people)

I was born in an underground radio station to a disc jockey and a magic 8-ball on December 27th, 1610. I grew up in a pizza parlor, where my mother, the disc jockey, taught me the ways of Scientology and my father taught me Catholicism. I didn't really buy into either, but I did firmly believe that skittles were evil, especially the red ones, because my father gave me a red one when I was 8 and I choked on it.

I developed an obsessive interest in line dancing at the age of 3, at which time I was able to do the Cha-Cha slide, Cotton Eyed Joe, and pretty much all others you can imagine, earning the title of Line-Dancing Prodigy. When I was 10 I entered a contest to invent a new line dance, at which time I invented the Electric Slide. Of course, I won the competition, and earned the prize of running my own casino, which is how I make most of my money.

By the time I was 12, I had also gained a desire to go out on my own into the world. I dyed my hair blue and my father, the Catholic magic 8-ball, disowned me as I expected he would. He firmly believed that hair should remain naturally colored. It wasn't his religion or anything, I think it was just because he had no hair to dye. Anyway, after I was disowned I ventured to Cambodia, where I was taught meditation techniques by monks there, and then I headed to Laos, where I did my best to gain citizenship because I wanted to be Laosian. However, I failed, and at that time I was 14, which is when I began my writing career.

My early work is mostly based off of romantic tragedies that occured frequently during that year (the year I was 14). One right after another, I would fall in love, be rejected, and commit suicide, only to return to life as a caterpillar, fall in love, and have my caterpillar lover be stepped on by a raccoon. I plotted my vengeance against the raccoon and failed, to be stepped on and return to life as an orangutan- but that story is too tragic and grotesque for words. Anyway, I have been human 3 separate times now and I played a big part in ending the Cold War and inventing the idea of global warming. I bet you thought it actually existed, didn't you?

Nope. I made it up. Global warming, I mean.

So there you have it. My life up until now, which I currently live as a 23 year old genius biding my time for the next international crisis, and writing during my free time from developing the future world language and new flavors of cheese.

I hope you enjoy my work.