Garen Ruy Maxwell
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Joined 05-23-04, id: 414816, Profile Updated: 11-17-08
Author has written 63 stories for Young Adult, Life, Historical, Essay, Fantasy, Fantasy, General, Kids, Song, Biography, Love, Work, Humor, Friendship, General, and School.

I graduated! I am now a not very interesting college student who writes bad poetry and weird stories. And I'm a Theatre Major. Or am I a History Major? I'm still not completely sure. Let's call it Liberal Arts and have done, shall we? Old news at this point though...

Okay, so maybe that is interesting. Whatever. If you're looking for sense, I suggest you toddle off somewhere else. You won't find it here.

This page you have found is more or less the home of the now-infamous Garen stories. There's a bunch of them, although I'm not sure of the exact number due to differing definitions of "Garen", "story" and "Garen story". Submissions pertaining to or mentioning the being sometimes known as Garen all have the name Garen somewhere in the summary, if that helps. Most of them are short stories, so at least they don't take too long to read once you find them. There's other stuff too, unrelated stories, a few attempts at poetry, and some songs. Check the dates on the songs. Some of the earlier ones reek of melodramatic angst, having been written when I was in high school. I'm loathe to take them down though, since it was a time of my life that, while I didn't enjoy it, I'm still glad that I managed to get through, and the songs, while not particularly good, are a testament to that.

For those who are shaking their heads and saying "Huh, a kid who does self-inserts", may I point out that Garen Ruy Maxwell is my penname. My real name is quite boring, so I stole a name from one of my characters. Pennames are supposed to be easy to remember, right? What's easier to remember than the name of the main character in your favourite story? Besides, boring names like my real one are easy to forget. Like Dan Brown. Everyone remembers Robert Langdon, The Da Vinci Code, and Angels and Demons, but no one remembers the name of the author, because it's boring.

Also. I absolutely detest Eragon, Christopher Paolini, and everything connected with them. Having read Eragon (and finished it, might I add), I have seen no evidence that Paolini is anything other than a spoiled hack who wrote a bad Star Wars/LotR crossover and then said "Mommy! Daddy! Look what I did!" and got published because Mommy and Daddy have a publishing company. You may say that I'm just saying this because I'm jealous. Well yah, I am jealous. I'm jealous that he was homeschooled, and therefore had time to write his idiocy instead of putting up with the drama of high school. I'm jealous that he has parents who own a publishing company, enabling him to be published in spite of having no talent whatsoever. He says he started his book when he was fifteen. Well, he finished most of it when he was eighteen or nineteen, which is not nearly as impressive. Take a gander at some of the stuff I've written. Look at the dates, and compare them to my birthday, which is February 23rd, 1988. I was writing serious (though mostly on the humorous side), original stories during my sophmore year of high school, the same age that Paolini was when he "started" writing Eragon. I don't think I'm being vain when I say that my work at fifteen was better than his at nineteen. And I'm not even getting into the internal contradictions and just plain stupidity of the actual books. Suffice it to say that when I see Eragon-related stuff on display somewhere, I tend to get angry and rant. This has been heavily documented and has become a source of comedy for a few individuals, which I see as neither here nor there.

I get especially angry when I'm in a bookstore, and they've got one of those "New Books for Young Adults" displays up, with Eragon and the stupid high school sparkle!vampire romance Twilight spin-offs competing for space with real actual books like the Redwall series, or the works of Charles de Lint and Holly Black. De Lint and Black both write modern fantasy, with a focus on faeries and the like and how they might interact with humans in the modern world. Both are exceptionally skilled writers who create feasible, living worlds through their stories. The sparklepire books paint a cleaned-up, dumbed-down version of both high school and vampires, turning what has traditionally been an evil and fearsome thing-that-goes-bump-in-the-night into yet another incarnation of the "mysterious bad boy" cliche that has been so very overdone by trashy romance novels. Another pet peeve is when they stick the fantasy stuff and the science fiction stuff in the same category. They are different. Science fiction has bizarre happenings that are explained by mathematics and obscure laws of physics. Doctor Who is a good example of this. Fantasy has bizarre happenings that are explained in a spiritual/religious manner (religious in this case meaning something that has to do with believing in something that some people may question, and not necessarily having to do with Christianity-- sorry if I'm bursting your bubble, but Christianity is not the only religion), such as magic. It's all in the explanations, people. What all this boils down to is that I'm a snob, and that if you are A) a reader of Eragon or Twilight and its stupid spin-offs, B) between the ages of thirteen and seventeen, or C) bad at spelling, grammar, and punctuation, you will have to work extra hard to convince me that you're worth talking to. And don't try to lie to me, because I will know.

Okay, I'll stop babbling now. Go read my stories. Review them. Make a poor college student happy.

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Deals With Demons by Darkness of Insanity reviews
Being gothic isn't always as it seems...
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: T - English - Horror/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 521 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 1 - Published: 4/27/2006
Mail Order Mama by Luthien and Tari reviews
Three children: Rissa, Elliot, and Chris, decide that it is high time their widowed father gets a wife. There is just one small problem: he can't know about it! It's good! I promise! R&R!
Fiction: Historical - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,838 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 3 - Published: 10/26/2005
Fandom by Relentless Bibliophile reviews
[One–shot: COMPLETE] Paul just doesn't understand fandoms, fanfiction, or what on Earth HPSS, NCon, OOC, NC17, PWP, WAFF or any of that means. As such, when his younger sister phones him at 4 a.m. to geek about 'Half Blood Prince', he's less than amused.
Fiction: Humor - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,119 - Reviews: 18 - Favs: 5 - Published: 7/16/2005 - Complete
Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

The Appearance of Alisasila
After everything is over and done, Garen's mother decides to make herself known.
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,222 - Published: 8/24/2009 - Complete
Political Drift reviews
Angry rock-type thing, drawing inspiration from various revolutions and a bit from the recent US election. Really wish they'd put an "Other" category for Genre, cuz like quite a bit of my other stuff, this really doesn't fit anywhere else.
Poetry: Song - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 390 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 2 - Published: 11/14/2008 - Complete
The Lantern Debate reviews
The Comte de Saint-Germain and the former phouka commonly known as Garen. Two immortals, with two very different outlooks, living two vastly different lives, meet in 1756 Paris. It was inevitable.
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: K+ - English - Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,503 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 8/29/2008 - Complete
Ruminations reviews
Opens with "It's three in the morning/Half-drunk and bone-weary/I sit typing away". A peek into the creative process, inspired by procrastination and a lack of sleep. My sixtieth submission, and first upload in over a year and a half.
Poetry: School - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 409 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Published: 8/24/2008 - Complete
Fedka's Brother reviews
Takes place in late nineteenth century Russia. Centers around one Leonka Grigorevich, a Christian boy who makes friends with a Jewish boy.
Fiction: Historical - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 4 - Words: 2,295 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 11/25/2006 - Published: 11/15/2006
Running reviews
London in 1723. A bad place for love. A worse place for lovers. A slightly nonsensical and quite experimental oneshot.
Fiction: Historical - Rated: K+ - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,070 - Reviews: 5 - Published: 11/21/2006 - Complete
Bittersweet Leah reviews
I know there's a lot of them out there, but here's one more love poem that hopefully isn't the same as everything else. To the Vegetable Queen's successor, Bittersweet Leah.
Poetry: Love - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 150 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 1 - Published: 10/19/2006 - Complete
Reynardine reviews
The word “renard” in French means “fox”. Perhaps there is some connection. Reynardine is an actual legendary figure in English and Irish folklore. Rated for light, brief sensuality and general not-really-for-kids-ness. Also, Garen. Well, proto-Garen.
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: T - English - Supernatural - Chapters: 1 - Words: 583 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 1 - Published: 9/7/2006 - Complete
The Forest Journey reviews
Yet another rogue English assignment. The topic was Jungian dream philosophy. The piece itself is in the form of a short story, only not as coherent.
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: K - English - Spiritual - Chapters: 1 - Words: 960 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 6/8/2006
Old reviews
"When I am old, I will wear purple". An examination of old age and the things we do in it.
Poetry: Life - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 87 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 3 - Published: 4/24/2006
High Priest reviews
A young man who calls himself the High Priest of Loki finds himself face to face with his deity. But Loki is like nothing he could have imagined, and the chaos has barely begun...
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: T - English - Supernatural - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,134 - Reviews: 10 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 3 - Updated: 3/30/2006 - Published: 3/24/2006
True Thomas: Fool or Sage? reviews
The two lines in quotes are not mine. They are the first two lines of a traditional ballad called "Thomas the Rhymer", sung by Steeleye Span. The poem examines the main character of the ballad. Rated for language.
Poetry: Fantasy - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 56 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 3/10/2006
Portrait of a Cheerleader reviews
More of a rant than a poem, focusing on the bane of my existence and an unsung plea for understanding.
Poetry: School - Rated: K - English - Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 325 - Reviews: 3 - Published: 2/13/2006
Metaphor of the Sea reviews
Because I was bored, and had horses on the brain. My fiftieth submission on the site.
Poetry: Friendship - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 58 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 2/10/2006
Or So They Say reviews
A poetic look at the fall of Atlantis.
Poetry: General - Rated: K - English - Supernatural - Chapters: 1 - Words: 61 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 2/8/2006
Willy Nilly's Ressurection reviews
Frilly Fran Anne's stuck on the floor again, so she ressurects Willy Nilly to help her up. But how can Willy repay her?
Poetry: Humor - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 274 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 1/30/2006
Frilly Fran Anne and Willy Nilly Elfy reviews
A very nonsensical story-poem, written in about half an hour. This is for you, Nouralis. May Frilly Fran Anne reign long.
Poetry: Humor - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 350 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 1/27/2006
Magical Working: A Sestina reviews
An assignment for Creative Writing class which called for a sestina with the words purple, clouds, smoke, swirls, sky, and fog. This is my take on it.
Poetry: Fantasy - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 229 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 1/24/2006
The Day Maggie Died reviews
A summary of Selkie Queen, told through poetry. Garen's POV, in case it wasn't clear.
Poetry: Fantasy - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 158 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 1 - Published: 1/22/2006 - Complete
Perhaps It Was The Clams reviews
From a writing prompt in which we had to start a poem with the phrase "Perhaps it was the clams".
Poetry: Humor - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 99 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 1/21/2006
Soup reviews
A person locked out of their dorm room, watching a bowl of soup cool.
Poetry: Life - Rated: K - English - Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 37 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 1/21/2006
A Phouka's Narrative reviews
For those who liked Selkie Queen, comes the same story in a first person narrative from Garen's perspective. Gives new insight on some specifics, and is meant as a supplement to Selkie Queen. Somewhat obsolete due to recent edits, but still fun.
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,491 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Published: 1/4/2006 - Complete
Carrot reviews
Garen rescues a toddler from a burning house. As the years pass, is she more trouble than she's worth?
Fiction: Historical - Rated: T - English - Fantasy - Chapters: 3 - Words: 2,271 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 2 - Updated: 1/3/2006 - Published: 12/11/2005
Dare You reviews
A poem about the tragedy of Pompeii, in which an entire city was buried under volcanic ash.
Poetry: Song - Rated: K+ - English - Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 81 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 12/20/2005 - Complete
Selkie Queen reviews
Ruy is a low-ranking phouka-on-a-mission. Maggie is Lord Campbell's daughter. Can two beings from different lands heal a grave misunderstanding? Part of the on-going backstory for the individual known as Garen, and currently under construction.
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 8 - Words: 8,156 - Reviews: 17 - Favs: 1 - Updated: 12/15/2005 - Published: 9/18/2004
Timothy reviews
A short poem about my cat.
Poetry: General - Rated: K - English - Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 41 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 12/13/2005
Obscurities reviews
Peter rants about his life as the Macreadies' indentured servant. No connection to Peter's Journey.
Fiction: Historical - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,258 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 12/2/2005 - Complete
Ginny's Song reviews
Written for my friend Ginny. Very short, but it cheered her up.
Poetry: Friendship - Rated: K - English - Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 43 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 1 - Published: 12/1/2005
The Trafalgar Notebooks reviews
A collection of short excerpts about a half-demon half-deity who escapes from his abusive half brother by falling through a wormhole into New York City.
Fiction: Biography - Rated: T - English - Supernatural/Fantasy - Chapters: 6 - Words: 3,739 - Reviews: 7 - Updated: 11/9/2005 - Published: 6/28/2005
Ode to Ramen reviews
Exactly what it sounds like. An ode to the wonder that is curly noodles in artificially flavoured soup.
Poetry: Humor - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 48 - Reviews: 4 - Published: 11/9/2005
What Goes Around, Comes Around reviews
A tale of magical revenge in Victorian Lowell. In other words, it's a Garen story.
Fiction: Historical - Rated: K - English - Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,429 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 11/9/2005
The Vegetable Queen reviews
Written for someone special. Gods, that sounds cheesey. It's a new sort of love poem, or perhaps an old sort of love poem. All I know is that it's certainly not current.
Poetry: Love - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 77 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 1 - Published: 10/12/2005
Jumper reviews
Kailyn, a student mage, goes for a walk early one morning. She finds more than she bargained for. One-shot, most likely will not be continued.
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: K - English - Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 348 - Reviews: 3 - Published: 9/24/2005
Fool reviews
Just a cute little love poem that I thought up. It's short.
Poetry: Love - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 56 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 2 - Published: 9/18/2005
Dreams of a Childhood reviews
Another one based on a dream. It was a pretty strange dream. I'm working on a few more chapters for this, not based on the dream, but research is complicating things.
Fiction: Essay - Rated: T - English - Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 682 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 9/18/2005
Father and Son reviews
An idea that I got from a dream one night. Just a short little drabble, not really for kids.
Fiction: General - Rated: T - English - Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 397 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 9/18/2005 - Complete
The Lay of Da'red reviews
My first attempt at an epic poem. Tells the story of Da'red, the son of a serving maid who must rescue the princess Lene from the tower of the moon god Eked. It's supposed to sound like something translated from an old clay tablet found in a desert. Eh.
Poetry: Fantasy - Rated: K - English - Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 336 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 9/13/2005 - Complete
Maeve reviews
Another folk ballad-y type thing for all you lovely people out there. Maeve was the Celtic goddess of apples, harvest, and war.
Poetry: Fantasy - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 137 - Reviews: 3 - Published: 8/21/2005
The Baker's Boy reviews
Just a bit of nonsense written for the Rennaissance Faire. It's only five lines.
Poetry: Work - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 35 - Reviews: 3 - Published: 7/16/2005
Watermelon Wanderer reviews
A bit of a nonsense song, includes several references to my life, and to an oil painting I did of a potato on top of a watermelon on top of the French flag, with a strawberry nearby.
Poetry: Song - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 154 - Reviews: 3 - Published: 7/16/2005
Sleep Till You Die reviews
Yet another song about sleep and/or the lack of it. Once again, the theme is how life is merely nonsense.
Poetry: Song - Rated: T - English - Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 236 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 2 - Published: 7/16/2005
One Step reviews
The story of my life, told through a series of mishaps. Meant to convey the sense that life is really a joke if you look at it the right way.
Poetry: Song - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 310 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 7/16/2005
Red Bird reviews
Just a cute little songlet, meant to be like an old folk song, only I just wrote it recently.
Poetry: Love - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 78 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 7/16/2005
Here You Are Wasabi reviews
I don't like wasabi, so I decided to write a song about it. It's supposed to be funny.
Poetry: Song - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 210 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 7/16/2005 - Complete
Full Moon Insomnia reviews
Written at two in the morning on the night of the full moon, this song is a bit on the depressing side.
Poetry: Song - Rated: T - English - Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 221 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 1 - Published: 7/16/2005
Fey reviews
A song about wood spirits, and their relationship to mankind. Not informative in any way, shape or form, but fun anyway.
Poetry: Song - Rated: K - English - Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 221 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 7/16/2005
Already Know reviews
A song written by me, about the frustration I face everyday.
Poetry: Song - Rated: T - English - Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 255 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 7/16/2005 - Complete
The Meeting reviews
A strange meeting in a crowded bar. AKA, how Garen met Rhianon.
Fiction: General - Rated: T - English - Humor/Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,975 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 4/21/2005 - Complete
An Unexpected Haircut reviews
Among other things... A Garen story, sort of.
Fiction: General - Rated: M - English - Supernatural - Chapters: 1 - Words: 688 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 4/21/2005 - Complete
Pyry's Pancakes reviews
Garen slept in and Pyry's making pancakes? Help!
Fiction: General - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 828 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 4/21/2005
The New Guy reviews
Pyry's got a new roommate, someone Lily hasn't heard from since eighth grade. Garen's happy enough to see her again, but she's changed and he hasn't, and that complicates things.
Fiction: General - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 552 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 4/21/2005 - Complete
Broken Arm reviews
Garen's got a cast on his arm. Pity him.
Fiction: General - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 976 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 4/21/2005 - Complete
Vengeance is Potatoes reviews
How do you get back at your landlord? Steal his potatoes, of course! The ups and downs of Garen's nineteenth century existence.
Fiction: Historical - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,962 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 1 - Published: 4/21/2005 - Complete
Nothing Angel reviews
Dark and kinda weird. It's based on a picture I drew. Sorta.
Poetry: Song - Rated: K+ - English - Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 154 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 2 - Published: 1/5/2005
Peter's Journey reviews
One sleepless Christmas Eve, a boy named Peter has a strange visitor. Written as a Christmas present for a small boy named, amazingly enough, Peter.
Fiction: Kids - Rated: K - English - Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,684 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 1 - Published: 12/31/2004 - Complete
Goth Girl Plays God reviews
Rhianon needs a minion. So she makes one. Garen makes a cameo, but it's mostly about Rhianon and her minion.
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,009 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 12/10/2004 - Complete
Checkmate reviews
Two rival gang leaders meet at a bar to discuss their differences. And yes, one of them is Garen.
Fiction: General - Rated: K+ - English - Suspense - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,182 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 10/8/2004 - Complete
Trials of a Wanted Man reviews
Garen MacEwan is having a bad day. It's about to get worse.
Fiction: Historical - Rated: K+ - English - Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,533 - Reviews: 3 - Published: 10/8/2004
The Faery Smith reviews
It's three stanzas long and you want a summary? Okay: a short piece about a faery jewelsmith.
Poetry: Fantasy - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 112 - Reviews: 4 - Published: 9/8/2004
Gray reviews
The English assignment that inspired Mist.
Fiction: Essay - Rated: K - English - Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 286 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 9/3/2004 - Complete
Errand Girl reviews
Something I found while cleaning out some old school notebooks. It's just a short little piece, a bit sad and very sweet. I think there might have been a picture to go with it at some point, but it's long gone now.
Fiction: Historical - Rated: K - English - Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 272 - Reviews: 3 - Published: 8/3/2004 - Complete
Mist reviews
Faerys, mist, swords, and sorcery. What could be bad? Re-edited, with formatting fixed.
Fiction: Young Adult - Rated: K+ - English - Fantasy - Chapters: 3 - Words: 4,863 - Reviews: 7 - Updated: 6/9/2004 - Published: 5/23/2004 - Complete
Golden Afternoon reviews
A walk in a field brings interesting observations. Why is there no "Other" category for genre?
Poetry: Life - Rated: K - English - Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 447 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 1 - Published: 5/23/2004 - Complete