Jared Head
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Joined 10-28-04, id: 441667, Profile Updated: 12-06-09
Author has written 9 stories for Humor, Spiritual, Essay, Action, Humor, General, and Politics.

I eat In-N-Out 3x3's with the greatest of ease. My stories should be rated "A" for Awesome. I once lifted a car into the air using my foot. My fastest mile is faster than you can dream. I once ate some buckshot and blew out a door simply by sneezing. I once sank a battleship by placing a red marker over it. I can outrun a Ferrari while on my bicycle. I'm the only person in the entire world who can armpit-fart with such proficiency that even God is impressed. I am a renowned philanthropist, and the only one who has won medals for sex.

Actually, I'm really some 21 year old idiot living in the suburbs of Los Angeles trying to become a published author, but I really can eat In-N-Out 3x3's with the greatest of ease.

I idolize the likes of Kubrick, Hitchcock and Brooks. I'm influenced by the greats who are John Steinbeck, Sesshu Foster, Joesph Heller, Victor Villasenor and heavily by Douglas Adams, Hunter S. Thompson and Robert A. Heinlein. I draw inspiration from the sounds of U2, Daft Punk, Boards of Canada, Amon Tobin, Dick Dale & his Del Tones, The Royal Fingers and The Rolling Stones.

I'm a philosopher. I'm a photographer. I'm a video editor. I'm a cyclist. I'm an improv performer. I'm a IRL fanatic, and one of 100 people in the US who stay up and watch every Formula 1 race and treat it like a religion.

I'm the original triple threat who sucks at math.

"Writing is nothing to be ashamed about. But do it in private, and wash your hands afterwards." - Robert A. Heinlein

My fanfiction works can be found by clicking here!

Wogan May wrote a brilliant article called "7 Steps for Better Writing", and I both newbies and seasoned veterans read it and apply the ideas he points out. Click here to go to the article.

Influences (writers and music)

Robert A. Heinlein - "Starship Troopers", "For Us, The Living", "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress" and "Stranger in a Strange Land"

Hunter S. Thomspon - "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas", "The Curse of Lono", "Kingdom of Fear" and "The Kentucky Derby is Decadent and Depraved"

NightDragon0 - "Dragon Morphs: A Digimorphs Tale"

Sesshu Foster - "Atomik Aztex"

John Steinbeck - "Of Mice and Men", "East of Eden", "Tortilla Flat" and "Travels with Charley"

Allan Paton - "Cry, The Beloved Country"

Joseph Heller - "Catch 22"

Gustav Holst - "The Planets Suite"

Every song ever made by Pearl Jam

Boards of Canada - "Dayvan Cowboy" and "Dayvan Cowboy (Odd Nosdam Remix)", "Left Side Drive" and "Dawn Chorus"

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart - "Symphony No. 25 in G Minor", "Eine Kleine Nachtmusik", "Requiem"

Explosions in the Sky - "Six Days at the Bottom of the Ocean", "Your Hand in Mine", "First Breath After A Coma", "Welcome, Ghosts" and "The Birth and Death of the Day"

...and that "Chicken Noodle Soup" rap song...because even I, a white person, can dance to it...and dancing matters in the world of writing...

On the horizon radar (upcoming stuff):

"The Inevitable Rise, Rebirth and Destruction of Lazarus Long and the Groupthinks from San Pedro" - This is a look in. A window to the claustrophobic, always violent, sometimes introspective moments between authors and their muses. It's hallucinations for free deep in the dank and dark underbelly of the suburbs of Los Angeles. The burning chaparral, mid-century modern architecture, Wally Power superyahcts and occasional acid trips on the beach. Part fiction, part fact, it's all Gonzo to me.

"Fast Stop, Quick Go" - A story about Formula 1 racing. Cars that can travel to from 0-150-0mph in less than 7 seconds and drivers that experience higher g-forces than astronauts for nearly an hour and a half. It is the ultimate racing series, and I figure it'd make quite an interesting read. Expect a story about racing. No romance based subplots that plague the genre of racing films/books. It'll be as factually correct as possible. Strap on your 7-point racing harnesses.

Currents and Completed:

"There"- The story of all stories. I'm hoping for this to be my "breakout hit" in a sense. It defies anyone who says that it takes itself seriously and sense is a word that I wouldn't use to describe it. It's a mash-up of whatever the hell I felt like writing and then shocked with frayed electrical wiring before being thrown into a pool of liquid nitrogen. It's as brilliant as it is random as it is funny as it is amazing as it is as it is as it is. Read it!

Review Answers:

Note: I make it a priority to respond to every single signed review that is given. I could care less if it's constructive criticism, higher praise, confused babbling or a scathing flame (although if you want to flame, I'd ask you send it in an e-mail to me. That way you don't have to worry about FPC getting on you in case someone reports you). If you have something to say, say it. I'm not a computer, I can and will talk back.

Last Updated: December 6th, 2009 @ 9:38 a.m. (PST)

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Kane by Akumaryu reviews
Kane was a man of very little excitement. The lack of action plagued his mind and riddled his life with the mundane. But after a notsochance encounter of the second kind, Kane will find that perhaps he should have kept his humdrum beginnings.
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: T - English - Fantasy/Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 5,084 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 1/31/2008 - Published: 1/29/2008
Foreign Affairs by Always Being Different reviews
Henry is about to have the most important meeting of his life. But what is he going to do when he finds out that the other guy might not speak English? It's not like my other plays, but I still think it's pretty funny.
Fiction: Play - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 724 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 1 - Published: 9/8/2007 - Complete
Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

The Inevitable Rise
Its hallucinations for free deep in the dank, dark underbelly of the suburbs of Los Angeles. The burning chaparral, mid-century modern architecture, Wally Power superyahcts and acid trips on the beach. A true example of introspective gonzo journalism.
Fiction: Humor - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 2 - Words: 3,451 - Published: 12/6/2009
The Majestic 42
When you botch up an operation so badly that the government puts you on a terrorist watch list, that might be a tip that they've fired you. A satire of terrorism in the spirit of "Catch-22".
Fiction: Humor - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,753 - Published: 9/16/2008
FIGHT THE POWER: A Satrie of Oppression reviews
Probably a subject that should never be touched, but has a major flaw in it, is the idea of "fight the power/man". A scathingly bureaucratic look at fightin' the power to become the power.
Poetry: Politics - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 195 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 7/7/2008 - Complete
After I finished putting up an graffiti art installation I was asked to make, they came to me and ask me for a artist manifesto for the work. I returned in 5 minutes, and this is what I gave them.
Poetry: General - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 128 - Published: 6/10/2008 - Complete
There reviews
In the highly theoretical realms of the mind, infinity and zero take on new meanings, Dragons hate being stereotyped and superperspectivistical thinking is the way to go. Throw all conventional thinking into marked containers to be recycled into soda cans
Fiction: Humor - Rated: T - English - Fantasy/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 4 - Words: 8,565 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 12/16/2007 - Published: 10/14/2007
Poetry For People Who Hate Poetry reviews
If you're like me, you can't stand poetry. If you're looking for good poems to sweep you off your feet, I'd suggest going somewhere else. These poems are written to be funny and sometimes satirical looks at the world of poetry. In other words, laugh away!
Poetry: Humor - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 7 - Words: 440 - Reviews: 17 - Favs: 2 - Updated: 4/29/2007 - Published: 7/12/2006
Fast Stop, Quick Go reviews
Nothing is as complex or prestigious as Formula 1 in the world of motorsport. He's coming back, but can he beat himself to the finish line? Note: a preview chapter for the upcoming story.
Fiction: Action - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,951 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Published: 4/15/2007
Laozi vs Confucius reviews
An essay I wrote for my Philosophy 101 class. Here is the question it answers: Is Laozi correct in his diagnosis of the cause of social problems? How does his approach differ from the Confucian tradition? Which approach do you find more persuasive?
Fiction: Essay - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 634 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 11/7/2006 - Complete
Change is to Life what Life is to Change reviews
A friend of mine went through a complete and total change. This is dedicated to him. It's something I realized about him and changed, and it showed me something that I don't think I'll ever be able to thank him enough for.
Fiction: Spiritual - Rated: K - English - Spiritual - Chapters: 1 - Words: 479 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 2 - Published: 7/21/2006 - Complete