rising from the burning ashes of failure and crashandburn ... i breathe, and tears of joy reflect the light against my face like stained glass.

[collection] [in progress] for all the broken, there is hope that i felt for myself in healing granted through incredible grace and love on the night that light broke through my scars now healed, the blood washed away in Him.

[collection] my testimony of the incredible healing i experienced through the love and grace of the Lord Jesus expressed through poetry, prose and the simple truth.

as the last bloodstains of my past are washed away ... i pray for all the broken to find peace and love and hope in Him ... because once i was bleeding, and i know what hell feels like.

[collection] sometimes we can only grow stronger in faith, love and trust through suffering and pain. sometimes we need to experience sorrow before we can know and appreciate true joy.

from the agony of addiction to the indescribable joy of salvation this is love beyond words and the meaning of God's grace.

[collection] from broken to alive again and all i can do is shed the sweet tears of grace falling from inside a heart so full it could break.

i haven't breathed in so long ... but i haven't felt like this, ever. i never thought i deserved even to breathe, but this ... is beyond anything i ever thought was possible for me. i've been brought back to life but more alive than ever before.

[this is what it is to burn.] and i'm forever beyond redemption, so watch me pull the trigger and fall into hell. there's nothing left now.

[title taken from 'whispers in the dark' by skillet] either you'll understand this or you won't, but my prayer is that this like, hopefully, the rest of my writing will mean something to you, and that you'll leave feeling better, stronger or comforted.

there is no form of cleansing in my own blood that stains the flow of pain, the taste of agony i am forever beyond redemption.

i'll tear you from deep inside where the burning screams and the Feeling stains & i'll call it Bleeding as you rot inside my scars i'll call it our twisted abortion as the pain spreads into Infection

[ and i can't help being afraid. ]

[and i will never breathe again without bleeding.]

[somewhat graphic] when i'm in agony, i wish that i didn't remember how to feel. and then when it freezes over, i dream of the hellnightmareaddiction of when i broke the numbness with blood.

[oldresubmittedshorter writing] everything from angst to horror to haikus to snapshots of beautiful imagery. proof that i write about more than myself.

once when i was nine, i prayed to God to let me know how it felt to be dead just for a few hours, and then let me wake up again. three years later, He answered my prayer, but i've been dead for three years instead. be careful what you ask for.

[title: from first to last] they've already stolen away my right to bleed, which i've let go only because of the crippling fear but please don't take away the most painful addiction, the beauty behind the swollen scars ...

and the bleeding lovemarks never fade.

i fell to my knees and started screaming bleeding myself away in burning agony where they couldn't see but i know they tasted my blistered desperation

[and i am only ugliness&filth ]

[in progress] & as the memories bleed into ashes, the pain screams deeper & sharper than it ever has before, and i we stop breathing. i'm dying for This. for her.

[in progress][[poetry]] this is raw. this is numb. this is pain. & i can't breathe. words are the only way to bleed it out.

and i don't want to breathe

too late for roses' august burns red. you probably won't understand this, and i don't want to explain it.

this pain will never be enough. but when it burns&bleeds, it becomes real and i can breathe.

but there is still not enough poetry.blood.tears for this ...

but even the rush of crimson pain will never be enough for this hell.

this is the journal that i kept for three out of the four months i was trapped inside the adolescent unit of a psychiatric hospital for attempted suicide, cutting and depression. all of this is true completely uncensored, left real & raw & painful.

[written 1.9.07] my blood staining white walls ...

my downward spiral set into words ...

and every time i look in the mirror i see her eyes burning through me ...

i feel it every time i breathe ...

and you'll never take another breath without me by your side ... i'm so sorry.

tell me to hold onto something real a lie before it breaks ...

a 'song' more of a poem written in the hospital while i was dying inside.

loved or abandoned is what i swear i want to know.

obviously, written while she was still gone. but the memories keep bleeding inside of me ...

[i want you to stop pretending you could do this to me.]

[i wrote this before i was able to read reviews.]

[and you're trapped in yesterday, a ghost of something i loved and love now that i will never see again.]

[i love you. please come back so i can stay alive feel it.]

in her memory. 1932 2006. if you pray, please pray for my grandmother, because i can't.

[ please. i am dying. ]

they knew it would happen eventually. she's gone, and i ended up in the emergency room with a bleeding arm.

i can't fucking breathe

i apologize for the length. this spilled out raw while i was crying so hard i could barely breathe and my hands were shaking and i was listening to the same song on repeat. it doesn't get more personal than this.

[ RESUBMITTED ]

[poems written on or around december 23, 2005] i don't want to explain this. i know you've read these and heard about it a thousand times before. but december's scars are still bleeding and here they are, laid out raw & unbeautiful like me for you. don't

i wrote this back in january. i'm resubmitting a lot of my older writing, a lot of it is just for me to stare at. sometimes there aren't enough words for the pain, and all i can do is write this even though it hurts so fucking much and hope that it means

[UPDATED] and because you always seem to forget - or maybe this is me choking on your apathy - this is what you mean to me. i love you isn't beautiful when it's met with silence.

she's gone.

[ inspired by poetic abortion's 'yours, eternally' ] she would have been something so beautiful but rose wasn't breathing.

i've been so honest lately. please don't judge me for this. this is my story religion-wise. it's not terribly exciting but some things have happened

beneath the stains of time, the feelings disappear ... you are someone else, i am still right here ...

[ RESUBMITTED ] the most rawhonestpainful poem i've ever written.

[ RESUBMITTED ] another collection of memories & scars vomited into something that hurts to remember

[ RESUBMITTED ] the title sounds like the name of an emo band.

[ RESUBMITTED ] no one is beautiful when they would die to be anyone else

[ RESUBMITTED ] he never saw the stains his words left

i've been so honest lately ... the bruises & scars cracking open, laid out unbeautiful for you

[ RESUBMITTED ] august 2006. there are no words left for this

this is my story so far - without september, which still hurts too much to be vomited into words. this is me at my most honest - please don't tear this apart.

[ RESUBMITTED ] & it all came rushing back again-

[ RESUBMITTED ] i never knew it would become this ...

[ RESUBMITTED ] sometimes the words still stain ...

[ RESUBMITTED ] he broke me until i couldn't feel my skin- and sometimes the words still come back, like whispers of insults and laughter and they say it doesn't matter but he hurt me.

[ RESUBMITTED ] delayed reaction, i whispered.

[ RESUBMITTED ] and i can't take another addiction.

[ RESUBMITTED ] denial.

[ RESUBMITTED ] i closed my eyes and pretended the words didn't scream.

[ RESUBMITTED ] memories vomited like impurities. you called this beautiful while they tore it (me) apart.

[ RESUBMITTED ] you're eighteen months too late.

burning in the most tragic way possible

i.saw.her.today.for.the.first.time.in.two.months.and.it.hurts.so.fucking.much

[new chapter added] i love her, and they tell me the skinihate is filthy because of it. so.will.i.burn?

the glitter sores will heal themselves i'll play the part of someone else . -jack.off.jill