My yaoi bringeth all ye fans to the web, and they're all " 'tis better than mine!" VERILY, 'tis better than yours. I couldst teach thou, but I must levy a fee.

Hey, kids. The following profile is well over ten thousand words (but most of them form funny sentences) so if you're not willing to skip across (or read, dammit) all that, hide my profile right now.

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, than weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile

If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vice versa copy this into your profile.

If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you know (a) video game character(s) or video game weapon(s) that need(s) to exist, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have embarrassing memories that make you want to smack yourself/ someone else, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes, copy this into your profile.

If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this one your profile.

If you've ever walked into a doorway that you could've clearly dodged, you just weren't paying close enough attention, copy and paste this on your profile.

If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer.

Even when you can’t see him GOD is there! If you believe in GOD put this in your profile.

If, for any particular reason, you have laughed during a movie that wasn't funny, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have a true friend, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think that being unique is cooler than being cool, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you are bored and like to write stuff, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile.

If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.

If you hate those obnoxious snobby people, PLEASE copy this into your profile.

If you believe in Jesus Christ put this in your profile and don't ignore it because the Bible says that If you deny me, I will deny you in front of my father and the glory of Heaven.

If you have ever run into a glass door, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever had done something or said something that made perfect sense to your real friends and only caused your "peers" to look at you strangely and roll their eyes, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you like singing songs at random points in the day, copy this into your profile.

If you can listen to a song and match some of the lyrics up to your life copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you are obsessed with fanfiction copy this into your profile.

If you've ever tried to put your hair behind your ears and ended up poking yourself in the eye, copy this into your profile.

If you think Twilight fans just need to calm down, copy this into your profile.

If you ever felt like just running somewhere, copy this into your profile.

If you're one of those people who get excited when you see just two reviews, paste this into your profile.

If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this into your profile.

If you love God with your whole heart and are 100 percent proud of it, copy & paste this in your profile.

If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy this onto your profile.

If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever tripped over air, copy this into your profile.

If you think that Writer's Block blows (sucks), copy and paste this into your profile.

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile.

If you have music in your soul, post this in your profile!

(') This, over here, is my amazing candle. I am lighting it to commemorate the deaths of those 32 lives that were lost at Virginia Tech

!eliforp ruoy otni siht etsap dna ypoc ,sdrawkcab siht daer ot hguone trams era uoy fI

If you believe PREPS TRAVEL IN PACKS, copy this into your profile.

If you don’t believe in stereotypes, copy this into your profile.

If when you go to sleep you can hear songs that you haven't heard in three years copy this to your profile.

If you think that being unique is better than being cool then put this on your profile.

If you think that if girls should rule the world and it would be a better place then copy this onto your profile.

If you think Demyx is a cute little dork, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you think that Axel LOVES saying 'Got it memorized' just cuz he can, copy and paste this onto your profile.

Re-post this to help stop racism:

Black and White:

A black man was talking to a white man and said: "I'm black. When I was born I was black. When I grew up I was black. When I'm sick I'm black. When I go in the sun I'm black. When I'm cold I'm black. When I die I'll still be black. But you: When you were born you were pink. When you grew up you were white. When you're sick you're green. When you go in the sun you're red. When you're cold you're blue. When you die you'll be purple. And you have the nerve to call me colored. "

"REMEMBER WHEN"

REMEMBER WHEN ..
getting HiGH meant swinging at a playground?
the worst thing you could get from a boy was c0otiEs?
when )m 0 m( was your hero
and 'D a D' was the boy you were gonna marry?
when your W0RST ENEMiES were your siblings
and rAcE iSsuEs were about who ran fastest?
when - WAR- was a card game
and life was simple and care free?
remember when all you wanted to do
WAS GROW UP?

The crucified planet Earth,
should it find a voice
and a sense of irony,
might now well say
of our abuse of it,
"Forgive them, Father,
They know not what they do."

The irony would be
that we know what
we are doing.

When the last living thing
has died on account of us,
how poetical it would be
if Earth could say,
in a voice floating up
perhaps
from the floor
of the Grand Canyon,
"It is done."
People did not like it here.

If you hate stereotypes and think ppl should just shut up and stop POST THIS. Pick the stereotype that fits you.

I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.

I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat.

I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy.

I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.

I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.

I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenience store.

I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.

I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals.

I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a big DICK.

I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST!

I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.

I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and that's how Russians roll.

I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi.

I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.

I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited.

I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13.

I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy.

I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy.

I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas.

I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.

I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.

I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA.

I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist.

I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun.

I'm MIXED so I must be fucked up.

I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.

I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.

I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black.

I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore.

I'M SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.

I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.

I'm a DANCER, So I MUST be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.

I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.

I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.

I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.

I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.

I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.

I'm a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction.

I'm STRAIGHT EDGE so i must be violent.

I'm ASIAN so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7.

I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.

I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect.

I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz.

I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil.

I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.

I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible

I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.

I hang out with GAYS, so I must be GAY too.

I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.

I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.

I'm BI so I MUST think every girl I see is hot.

I have BOOBS, so I MUST be a ho.

I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.

I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.

I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.

I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.

I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS, so I MUST be looking for attention.

I'm INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.

I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be gay.

I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.

I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly...or crazy.

I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.

I'm a VIRGIN so I MUST be prude.

I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.

I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork.

I Love SHOPPING so I must be rich

I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.

I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.

I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals.

I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the world.

I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.

I want a dyke for president. I want a person with AIDs for president and I want a fag for vice president and I want someone with no health insurance who grew up in a place where the earth is so saturated with toxic waste that they didn't have a choice about getting leukemia. I want a president that had an abortion at sixteen and I want a candidate who isn't the lesser of two evils and I want a president who lost their last lover to AIDs, who still sees that in their eyes every time they lay down to rest, who held their lover in their arms and knew they were dying. I want a president with no air conditioning, a president who has stood in line at the clinic, at the DMV, at the welfare office and has been unemployed and laid off and sexually harassed and gaybashed and deported. I want someone who has spent a night in the tomb and had a cross burned on their lawn and survived rape. I want someone who has been in love and been hurt, who respects sex, who has made mistakes and learned from them. I want a black woman for president. I want someone with bad teeth, someone who has eaten hospital food, someone who crossdresses and has done drugs and been in therapy. I want someone who has committed civil disobedience.

And I want to know why this isn't possible. I want to know why we started learning somewhere down the line that a president is always a clown: always a John and never a hooker. Always a boss and never a worker, always a liar, always a thief, and never caught.

Quotes:

Spontaneous combustion may lead to severe headaches. Stay cool. -A message from the Board of Education

Of the thirty-six ways of avoiding disaster, running away is best. -??

Crazy? Some people think walking down the street muttering to yourself is crazy. I'll tell you what crazy is. Crazy is walking down the street with half a cantaloupe on your head, saying 'I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster'. Now that's crazy. -Agent WD-40, in Spy Hard

The more you run over a cat, the flatter it gets. --??

If there's a fat man on the field, it's not a sport. It's an activity. --Adam

Best day ever? How so? Did scientists discover an antibiotic for hyperactive infants, so your brothers are mere vegetables now? -Chris

We interrupt this program to annoy you and make things generally irritating. --??

Sometimes it is very difficult for me to tell whether you are God in his personification or if you are merely on some illegal substance that we have yet to name. --??

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. --??

Some people give out cookies, and some people give out toothpaste. --??

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. --Mitch Hedberg

You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget. --??

Barbie is not human. She is an alien. --Mr. Boutin

Demyx, I hate to tell you, but water clones are not considered a people, and you cannot declare your couch fort a country. --??

Sports Tonight Interactive: The saftest STI out there. --Me

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. --??

Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. --??

You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

Law of Probable Dispersion: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. -Todd Merrill

A new beginning starts with the 'reset' button. -Me

By one estimate, the average American spends 1,600 hours a year either driving or earning the money to support a car, and drives an average of 6,000 miles a year. That works out to about 4 miles traveled per hour spent -- the equivalent of a normal walking pace. -Edward Tenner

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. -George Carlin

Speed does not kill. Stopping very quickly kills. --??

"You have to try to bluff the public, and the public knows and expects this. In other words, you can't say anything sensible. It's got to be all bullshit during an election campaign." – John Crosbie, Vancouver Sun, July 18 1996

Memories of what? What will be recorded, exactly? Do I need my death costume? --Kurtis

I don't like water: don't like the taste, the smell, or the way it makes you pee. I don't trust it. Anything that clear must be hiding something. --A person on THE INTERNET

One cannot simply walk into Wal-Mart. There is an evil there that never sleeps. --Kurtis

Hey, this picture just jpeged on me...CURSE YOU, MICROSOFT!! --Dinuriel

Dude, I'd hit that so hard that whoever managed to pull me out would become the King of England. --Some guy

Most of the things worth doing in the world have been declared impossible before they were done. - Louis Brandeis

Killing under the cloak of war is no different than murder. -Albert Einstein

Remember: Professionals built the Titanic. Amateurs built the Ark. -??

You're young and so am I, and each year we can get younger and younger. --Mr. P

Every morning is an evening backwards. --??

No matter how bad things get, always remember two thing: You're alive, and God loves you. -- V

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. --??

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the most of everything that comes their way. --??

If only we'd stop trying to be happy we'd have a pretty good time. --Edith Wharton

If tomorrow morning the sky falls...have clouds for breakfast. --??

It's comforting to know that whatever happens tomorrow will have absolutely no effect on today. --??

Remember what was. Anticipate what will be. But live in the moment that lies in between. --??

We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way. --??

The only graceful way to accept an insult is to ignore it
If you can't ignore it, top it.
If you cant top it, laugh at it.
If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.

Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. Peace means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart. That is the real meaning of peace. --?

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." -- Douglas Adams

No boy is worth crying over. And the one who is won't make you cry. -- Sarah Kane, age 10

Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. --??

Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do. --??

I bet whoever invented Jell-O had a bunch of friends who did acid and really wanted to freak them out. --??

#1 pickup line of all time: "Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"

"Hard Drive installed on January 1, 1970." ...that can't be good. --??

I spent the entire day being normal, now that I'm home, I just want to duct tape fuzzy green pipe cleaners to my head, turn on the strobe, take off my clothes, and IRC. --??

Roses only last a couple of weeks, and that's only if you leave them in water. They only really exist to be pretty. So that's like saying, "My love for you is transitory and based solely on your appearance." But a potato! They last forever, man! Not only with they not rot, but if you leave them they'll start growing stuff! That alone makes them a good symbol. Wait, there's more! There are so many ways to enjoy a potato! You can even make a battery with them! It's like saying "I have many ways to show my love for you." Potatoes may be ugly, but they're AWESOME. So THAT is like saying "It doesn't matter at all what you look like, I'll still love you."

Selling live lobsters at the supermarket is great. I get the modern convenience of a store, while still being able to engage my food in a fight to the death. --??

Rabbits are cute, but if they started walking on their ears it would be creepy as hell. --??

I kinda question the utility of bench pressing. I mean, sure. If the refrigerator falls on you, it'd be good to be able to move it. But really, if you have to do that more than once, the refrigerator is probably out to get you, and you may want to see if it's still under warranty. --??

If I ever turn into a super villian, I think I'll put my lair in a strip mall, rather than a volcano or something. It's cheaper, for one, even taking heating costs into consideration. And does the hero ever really expect to be hit by spinning diamond-tipped death blades right next to the Baskin-Robbins? --??

When the machines of the world finally turn on us, it won't be flying robot squid, or nuclear bombs. It'll be all the smoke detectors in the world going off at once, and herding us outside into the crosshairs of the tennis ball launchers. --??

It's pretty amazing that our society has reached a point where the effort necessary to extract oil from the ground, ship it to a refinery, turn it into plastic, shape it appropriately, truck it to a store, buy it, take it home, then throw it out is still considered less effort than what it takes to just WASH the spoon when you're done with it. --??

If I ever go blind, I want a seeing-eye dolphin. They're smarter than dogs, and I don't think one would let me get anywhere close to being hit by a car. --??

I find it interesting that the colors of many carbonated beverages are the same colors that, in nature, mean "DO NOT EAT ME! I AM POISONOUS AND YOU WILL DIE!" --??

Without music, life is a journey through a desert. -- Pat Conroy

Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent. -- Victor Hugo

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end. -- Igor Stravinsky

A good composer is slowly discovered and a bad composer is slowly found out. - Ernest Newman

Composers shouldn't think too much - it interferes with their plagiarism. - Howard Dietz

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. --??

We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe. --??

"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.

"To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides." --David Viscott MD (thanks, Pi)

Light bulbs are not actually "light bulbs" but dark absorbers. When you turn them on, they suck the dark out of the room. You can prove this by holding your hand under a "light bulb". The dark will stack up under your hand where its path to the absorber is blocked by your hand. When they quit working and turn a dark color, it's not because they burnt out, it's because they're full. --??

Speaking of which, breadboxes are small. You can only stuff about seven live squirrels into one. --String

Wisdom tells me I am nothing. Love tells me I am everything. Between the two, my life flows. --Nisargadatta Maharaj

All those who are unhappy in the world are so as a result of their desire for their own happiness. All those who are happy in the world are so as a result of their desire for the happiness of others. -- Shantideva

History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it. --Winston Churchill

If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. --??

"What's this movie about?"
'A vampire and a girl hunting other vampires and other girls.'
--Greatest movie summary given by an eleven year old, EVER.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. -- Chris Rock

I’m learning how to fight, how to zombify shit… and when I graduate I’m going to be the heir to… well, it’s basically a big pile of crumbling rocks but it’s an important one. --Steffain; MU

Life is sexually transmitted. --??

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. --??

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. --??

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. --??

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. --??

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. --??

We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration. --??

As the clock ticked off the last few seconds of 2005, I closed my eyes and made a solemn resolution for 2006: I will not kill anyone this year. --??

I spent five days getting there only to realize it was the journey I should have been paying attention to. --??

You'd think that with the rise of cameras and video recorders, UFO sightings would go up, and not down. --??

The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred sixty-two admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. --??

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. --Some kid

Trotter's Law of Percussion Music:
Percussionists will consistently lose their music as a concert approaches
Corollary: All parts will be lost at least once, and percussionists will not admit to losing any music until they are caught faking the parts.

The Uncertainty Principle:
The location of all auxiliary percussion instruments cannot be known simultaneously
Corollary: If a lost percussion item is found, another will disappear.

Percussion Will Travel Principle:
On every band trip one important piece of percussion equipment will be left at the school

Percussion Won't Travel Principle:
On every band trip one important piece of percussion equipment will be left at the performance site

Diminishing Quality Rule to the Percussion Won't Travel Principle:
At any festival one piece of percussion equipment will be switched with that of another school
Corollary: The one you take back will be of lower quality

Law of Lost Drumsticks:
Percussionists will lose sticks
Corollaries:
Percussionists always claim the sticks were stolen
The lost sticks will be found the day after new ones are bought

Stidman's Law of Doors:
The largest of the timpani is always four inches wider than the door to the auditorium

Murphy's Law on Instruments:
An instrument always breaks at the worst possible time
Corollary :The instrument will belong to a first chair player

Baldwin's Law:
Instruments are easier to break than to fix

Wyszkowski's Law:
Anything will work if you fiddle with it long enough

Principles of Instrument Repair:

- The screwdriver of the correct size will be missing when it is needed to tighten a woodwind key
- When replacing a woodwind pad, all available pads will be the wrong size
- When a pad is accidentally dropped it will roll to the least accessible part of the bandroom

Law of Diminishing Repairs:
After restoring one key on a woodwind instrument, three others will malfunction

Mouthpiece Inertia Principle:
Brass mouthpieces are easier to jam than to dislodge

Halbrook's Axiom:
A stuck key will work perfectly when the repairman tries it

Law of Selective Operation:
Brass valves will stick on contest days
Corollaries:
They will not stick when the conductor tries them
They will stick again when the student resumes playing

Richard's Complimentary Rule of Ownership:
If you keep anything long enough you can throw it away
If you throw anything away, you will need it the next day

Communication Principle:
When a conductor gives students letters for parents, 15 will be left on music stands, 25 will be inside the music, 15 will rot in instrument cases, 15 will be left in lockers, 15 will crawl under the student's bed, and 15 of the parents will receive the letter.

Tillis' Organisational Principle:
If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is

Left-Right Principle:
At least one person is out of step in any one march
Corollary: It is usually the same person

Reeley's Principle:
Any piece you select as a closing number will have a final note one step higher than the first trumpet can play

Small Band Dilemma:
The drum major is always the best trumpet player

Bogan's Law of Bus Trips:
Bus breakdowns always occur on the longest trips

RT + 1 Principle:
The scheduled return time of any trip will be one hour earlier than the actual return
Corollary: This happens even when you pad the return time with an extra hour

RT + 3 Principle:
You will have to wait at least another two hours for the last parent to pick up a child

Blind Leading the Blind Principle:
Band members playing correctly will always follow the players who are playing incorrectly

Murphy's Law of Small Band Sight-Reading:
Invariably, the melody will be in an instrument you do not have
Corollaries:
Cues will not be provided
If they are provided, they will be in the parts of your weakest section

Murphy's Music Stand Principle:
The music stand you get will wobble

Reely's Adaptation of Rap's Law of Inanimate Reproduction:
If you take a music stand down and put it up enough times, eventually you will have two of them

Two Principles of Diminishing Concentration:
Secretaries always interrupt rehearsal when concentration levels are at their peak
Players late for rehearsal are always those who sit in the centre of the band

Horn's Law of Teachers' Meetings:
After-school meetings always occur on the day of an important after-school rehearsal

Missing Mute Principle:
At least one mute will vanish from the brass section at any rehearsal

Extended Rest Theorem:
The longer the rests, the less likely a section will enter after them

Contest Pronunciation Principle:
If a name can be mispronounced as the programme is being introduced, it will

Two Recruiting Ratio Principles:
For every student wanting to play clarinet, there will be six who want to play alto sax
For every student wanting to play alto sax, there will be seven who want to play snare drum

The "There's Another Hole in the Dam" Principle:
Fix one spot in the music and another spot falls apart

Alternate Amnesia Axiom:
Any alternate fingerings taught will be promptly forgotten

Lost and Found Principle of Music Folders:
At least one music folder will be left on a music stand after each rehearsal
Corollaries
It will usually be the same player. If it is not the same player, there will be no name in the folder

Say It Again Sam Law:
Even if everything is explained perfectly, there will still be a question
Corollary: You will have just answered the question one minute before it was asked

Beginning Players Concert Law:
There will be one video camera for every three beginning musicians

Premature Deafness Ratio
A conductor's hearing loss is directly proportional to how many percussionists are started each year.

McMurray's Programme Principle:
At least one name will be left off the concert programme
Corollary: It will be the child of the head teacher

McMurray's Second Programme Rule:
If there are two ways to spell a name, the wrong one will be selected

Murphy's Law of Clapping:
If the audience can clap at the wrong time, they will

Two Principles of Cymbal Cuing:
Cue the cymbal player or he will not enter
Cue the cymbal player and he still will not enter

Law of Selective Acoustics:
The percussion section always sounds loudest where the judges are sitting. It cannot be heard from the podium

Hatch's Law of Clarinet Squeaks:
Clarinet squeaks always occur in the most exposed sections of the music

Fillmore's March Law:
If a march can be rushed, it will
Corollary: A march rushes in proportion to a band's inability to play it quickly

The Play It Again Sam Axiom:
At concert festivals, three other bands will play your toughest piece
Corollary: All three perform before you do, and play it better

Surprise Symphony Principle:
At least one section of the music which sounded perfect in rehearsal will go haywire

The Punctuality Paradox:
Give a strongly-worded lecture about punctuality and you will be late to the next performance

Bidewell's Transition Principle:
You are never as good as the previous conductor

Anderson's Solution:
When in doubt, blame problems on the previous conductor

The Least Credible Sentence in Conducting:
One more time

Emily's law on practicing:
The difficult passage practiced for hours, will not be played correctly once the student plays it for the teacher
the more a student practices, the less likely he will play correctly during the lesson

Emily's law on repertoire
The more the student hates a specific piece, the more likely he will have to play it

At least one member of the orchestra will forget to change the key with everyone else. Consequently, they will be playing the loudest.

Two or more flutes will never play in tune.

If you’re ever asked to compile a list of the least reassuring things you can say during a sexual encounter, “I found something fun-looking in the bathroom”, “it’s a surprise”, and “just hold still” probably all need to be on there, in that order. --Tales of MU

If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony? --??

A man went to a zoo. The only animal was a dog. It was a shitzu. --??

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling. --??

He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia. --??

So a baby seal walks into a club... --??

How many boards would the Mongols hoard if the Mongol Hordes got bored? --Calvin and Hobbes
I think they'd hoard one each, then they'd go kill someone. they ARE Mongols. --Chris

TwilightKnight: all i do is wait for Desert crisis 1.5 and play counter-strike all day

Dr SpaZZo: Heh.
Dr SpaZZo: Which, by definition, means I have more of a life than you
Dr SpaZZo: Pity
TwilightKnight: well i was making out with a girl today
Dr SpaZZo: Liar
Dr SpaZZo: Theres no such thing as a "girl"
TwilightKnight: yes it is true!
TwilightKnight: they arent the tales and ledgends we thought them to be
TwilightKnight: they exist and live on the outside!
TwilightKnight: In the daylight!
Dr SpaZZo: Outside? Daylight? Now you're just making words up.

Recent scientific study found that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. And if she is menstruating, she is likely to prefer a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors shoved deep into his temple and a cricket stump jammed up his arse.

I beat the internet. The end guy is hard. --??

Chris: OH NO!!
Me: What?
Chris: You remember The Magic School Bus?
Me: Yeah...
Chris: And you remember Arnold? I think that's his name. The kid with the striped shirt?
Me: Yeah...
Chris: I think he's sterile.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36- year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

80 percent of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

80 percent of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

If music be the food of love; play on. --William Shakespeare

(At 1 AM):
Me: Why is construction paper so hard to pull out of the booklet? Seriously, it just took me like...five minutes to get one piece.
Chris: I don't know...but... but why do you need construction paper at this hour? And at your age?

When I was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down “happy.” They told me I didn’t understand the assignment and I told them they didn’t understand life. --??

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked. The cucumber said, "Man, my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad." So the pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar." The penis glared at them both and said, "You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out."

Whenever you cry, a seahorse cries, and the ocean rises a little bit. Soon African countries will disappear. --Todd

If you can start the day without caffeine;
If you can get going without pep pills;
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains;
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles;
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it;
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time;
If you can forgive a friend's lack of consideration;
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of your own, something goes wrong;
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment;
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him;
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend;
If you can face the world without lies and deceit;
If you can conquer tension without medical help;
If you can relax without liquor;
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs;

If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed or color, religion or politics; then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.

When you have a fat friend, there are no see-saws. Only catapults. --Demetri Martin

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater. --Demetri Martin

I love winter. Everything’s different with snow. It’s like some primal elder god comes along and takes a dump on the landscape and turns it alien and inhospitable. --Tales of MU

Hey, now. He may be a hideous alien pill bug with a glowing butt, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings. Look, he's trying to make a tentacle friend with your face. --Unskippable

This is no time to be a hero! That time was half an hour ago! Where were you? -- Unskippable

There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard you forget about the bad and focus solely on the good. After all, life is too short to be anything but happy. --??

Wait? Angry's a verb now? Well, if you are going to make up words then you can gooblespork my nuddercull and quilder me thrumped.--limelightqueen

Why is he wearing his knees outside his legs? --Yahtzee

I think we can safely say that this is the only vegetable with orbital laser support. --Unskippable

'Well, what do we have here? Glowing hole in the ground, eh?'
"I think we should take it back to the lab and dust for prints."
--Unskippable

Y'know, you see an army like this and you immediately know that they aren't on your side. Why can't WE have the massive bug-thing instead of the bad guys? --??

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. --Kurt Vonnegut

90 people get the swine flu and everyone wants to wear a mask. 16.3 million people have died from AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom. --??

1492. The teachers told the children that this was when their continent was discovered by human beings. Actually, millions of human beings were already living full and imaginative lives on the continent in 1492. That was simply the year in which sea pirates began to cheat and rob and kill them.

Love is where you find it. I think it's foolish to go looking for it, and I think it can often be poisonous.

Many people need desperately to receive this message: "I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people don't care about them. You are not alone."

We're terrible animals. I think that the Earth's immune system is trying to get rid of us, as well it should.

Wars would be a lot better, I think, if guys would say to themselves sometimes 'Jesus - I'm not going to do that to the enemy. That's too much.'

(above five quotes from Kurt Vonnegut)

Things fall apart so that other things can fall together. --??

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain. --??

'Why don't I remember any of this?'
"Because you were a trading card at the time."
--Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged Series

"What'll we do with the bodies, ma'am?"
'We're going to have a puppet show. Fetch lots of rope.'
--Unskippable

Invader's blood marches through my veins like giant radioactive rubber pants! The pants command me! DO NOT IGNORE MY VEINS!! --Zim

We're facing a moody pregnant homosexual here. I've got your back. --icedragon

It's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean. But it takes a bloody long time to get to England in a rowboat. --??

I'd rather be happy than right any day. -- ??

Always do what you want and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. -- Dr. Seuss

bandaid girl! bandaid girl! does whatever a bandaid does! covers scabs, just protects, heals your wounds just like that. look out! here comes the bandaid girl! --Victo