Author has written 7 stories for Fantasy, General, Humor, and Romance.
My yaoi bringeth all ye fans to the web, and they're all " 'tis better than mine!" VERILY, 'tis better than yours. I couldst teach thou, but I must levy a fee.
Hey, kids. The following profile is well over ten thousand words (but most of them form funny sentences) so if you're not willing to skip across (or read, dammit) all that, hide my profile right now.
Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, than weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile
If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vice versa copy this into your profile.
If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you know (a) video game character(s) or video game weapon(s) that need(s) to exist, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have embarrassing memories that make you want to smack yourself/ someone else, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes, copy this into your profile.
If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this one your profile.
If you've ever walked into a doorway that you could've clearly dodged, you just weren't paying close enough attention, copy and paste this on your profile.
If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer.
Even when you can’t see him GOD is there! If you believe in GOD put this in your profile.
If, for any particular reason, you have laughed during a movie that wasn't funny, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have a true friend, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think that being unique is cooler than being cool, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you are bored and like to write stuff, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile.
If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.
If you hate those obnoxious snobby people, PLEASE copy this into your profile.
If you believe in Jesus Christ put this in your profile and don't ignore it because the Bible says that If you deny me, I will deny you in front of my father and the glory of Heaven.
If you have ever run into a glass door, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever had done something or said something that made perfect sense to your real friends and only caused your "peers" to look at you strangely and roll their eyes, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you like singing songs at random points in the day, copy this into your profile.
If you can listen to a song and match some of the lyrics up to your life copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you are obsessed with fanfiction copy this into your profile.
If you've ever tried to put your hair behind your ears and ended up poking yourself in the eye, copy this into your profile.
If you think Twilight fans just need to calm down, copy this into your profile.
If you ever felt like just running somewhere, copy this into your profile.
If you're one of those people who get excited when you see just two reviews, paste this into your profile.
If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this into your profile.
If you love God with your whole heart and are 100 percent proud of it, copy & paste this in your profile.
If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy this onto your profile.
If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever tripped over air, copy this into your profile.
If you think that Writer's Block blows (sucks), copy and paste this into your profile.
There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile.
If you have music in your soul, post this in your profile!
(') This, over here, is my amazing candle. I am lighting it to commemorate the deaths of those 32 lives that were lost at Virginia Tech
!eliforp ruoy otni siht etsap dna ypoc ,sdrawkcab siht daer ot hguone trams era uoy fI
If you believe PREPS TRAVEL IN PACKS, copy this into your profile.
If you don’t believe in stereotypes, copy this into your profile.
If when you go to sleep you can hear songs that you haven't heard in three years copy this to your profile.
If you think that being unique is better than being cool then put this on your profile.
If you think that if girls should rule the world and it would be a better place then copy this onto your profile.
If you think Demyx is a cute little dork, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you think that Axel LOVES saying 'Got it memorized' just cuz he can, copy and paste this onto your profile.
Re-post this to help stop racism:
Black and White:
A black man was talking to a white man and said: "I'm black. When I was born I was black. When I grew up I was black. When I'm sick I'm black. When I go in the sun I'm black. When I'm cold I'm black. When I die I'll still be black. But you: When you were born you were pink. When you grew up you were white. When you're sick you're green. When you go in the sun you're red. When you're cold you're blue. When you die you'll be purple. And you have the nerve to call me colored. "
REMEMBER WHEN ..
The crucified planet Earth,
The irony would be
When the last living thing
If you hate stereotypes and think ppl should just shut up and stop POST THIS. Pick the stereotype that fits you.
I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.
I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy.
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.
I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenience store.
I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals.
I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a big DICK.
I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST!
I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.
I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and that's how Russians roll.
I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi.
I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.
I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited.
I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy.
I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas.
I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.
I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.
I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA.
I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist.
I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun.
I'm MIXED so I must be fucked up.
I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.
I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black.
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore.
I'M SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.
I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.
I'm a DANCER, So I MUST be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.I wear SKIRTS, so I MUST be a slut.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.
I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.
I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.
I'm a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction.
I'm STRAIGHT EDGE so i must be violent.
I'm ASIAN so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7.
I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.
I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect.
I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz.
I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil.
I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.
I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible
I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.
I hang out with GAYS, so I must be GAY too.
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.
I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.
I'm BI so I MUST think every girl I see is hot.
I have BOOBS, so I MUST be a ho.I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.
I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.
I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS, so I MUST be looking for attention.
I'm INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.
I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be gay.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly...or crazy.
I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.
I'm a VIRGIN so I MUST be prude.
I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.
I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork.
I Love SHOPPING so I must be richI TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.
I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.
I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.
I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals.
I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the world.
I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I want a dyke for president. I want a person with AIDs for president and I want a fag for vice president and I want someone with no health insurance who grew up in a place where the earth is so saturated with toxic waste that they didn't have a choice about getting leukemia. I want a president that had an abortion at sixteen and I want a candidate who isn't the lesser of two evils and I want a president who lost their last lover to AIDs, who still sees that in their eyes every time they lay down to rest, who held their lover in their arms and knew they were dying. I want a president with no air conditioning, a president who has stood in line at the clinic, at the DMV, at the welfare office and has been unemployed and laid off and sexually harassed and gaybashed and deported. I want someone who has spent a night in the tomb and had a cross burned on their lawn and survived rape. I want someone who has been in love and been hurt, who respects sex, who has made mistakes and learned from them. I want a black woman for president. I want someone with bad teeth, someone who has eaten hospital food, someone who crossdresses and has done drugs and been in therapy. I want someone who has committed civil disobedience.
And I want to know why this isn't possible. I want to know why we started learning somewhere down the line that a president is always a clown: always a John and never a hooker. Always a boss and never a worker, always a liar, always a thief, and never caught.
Spontaneous combustion may lead to severe headaches. Stay cool. -A message from the Board of Education
Of the thirty-six ways of avoiding disaster, running away is best. -??
Crazy? Some people think walking down the street muttering to yourself is crazy. I'll tell you what crazy is. Crazy is walking down the street with half a cantaloupe on your head, saying 'I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster'. Now that's crazy. -Agent WD-40, in Spy Hard
The more you run over a cat, the flatter it gets. --??
If there's a fat man on the field, it's not a sport. It's an activity. --Adam
Best day ever? How so? Did scientists discover an antibiotic for hyperactive infants, so your brothers are mere vegetables now? -Chris
We interrupt this program to annoy you and make things generally irritating. --??
Sometimes it is very difficult for me to tell whether you are God in his personification or if you are merely on some illegal substance that we have yet to name. --??
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. --??
Some people give out cookies, and some people give out toothpaste. --??
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. --Mitch Hedberg
You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget. --??
Barbie is not human. She is an alien. --Mr. Boutin
Demyx, I hate to tell you, but water clones are not considered a people, and you cannot declare your couch fort a country. --??
Sports Tonight Interactive: The saftest STI out there. --Me
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. --??
Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. --??
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
Law of Probable Dispersion: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. -Todd Merrill
A new beginning starts with the 'reset' button. -Me
By one estimate, the average American spends 1,600 hours a year either driving or earning the money to support a car, and drives an average of 6,000 miles a year. That works out to about 4 miles traveled per hour spent -- the equivalent of a normal walking pace. -Edward Tenner
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. -George Carlin
Speed does not kill. Stopping very quickly kills. --??
"You have to try to bluff the public, and the public knows and expects this. In other words, you can't say anything sensible. It's got to be all bullshit during an election campaign." – John Crosbie, Vancouver Sun, July 18 1996
Memories of what? What will be recorded, exactly? Do I need my death costume? --Kurtis
I don't like water: don't like the taste, the smell, or the way it makes you pee. I don't trust it. Anything that clear must be hiding something. --A person on THE INTERNET
One cannot simply walk into Wal-Mart. There is an evil there that never sleeps. --Kurtis
Hey, this picture just jpeged on me...CURSE YOU, MICROSOFT!! --Dinuriel
Dude, I'd hit that so hard that whoever managed to pull me out would become the King of England. --Some guy
Most of the things worth doing in the world have been declared impossible before they were done. - Louis Brandeis
Killing under the cloak of war is no different than murder. -Albert Einstein
Remember: Professionals built the Titanic. Amateurs built the Ark. -??
You're young and so am I, and each year we can get younger and younger. --Mr. P
Every morning is an evening backwards. --??
No matter how bad things get, always remember two thing: You're alive, and God loves you. -- V
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. --??
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the most of everything that comes their way. --??
If only we'd stop trying to be happy we'd have a pretty good time. --Edith Wharton
If tomorrow morning the sky falls...have clouds for breakfast. --??
It's comforting to know that whatever happens tomorrow will have absolutely no effect on today. --??
Remember what was. Anticipate what will be. But live in the moment that lies in between. --??
We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way. --??
The only graceful way to accept an insult is to ignore it
Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. Peace means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart. That is the real meaning of peace. --?
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." -- Douglas Adams
No boy is worth crying over. And the one who is won't make you cry. -- Sarah Kane, age 10
Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. --??
Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do. --??
I bet whoever invented Jell-O had a bunch of friends who did acid and really wanted to freak them out. --??
#1 pickup line of all time: "Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"
"Hard Drive installed on January 1, 1970." ...that can't be good. --??
I spent the entire day being normal, now that I'm home, I just want to duct tape fuzzy green pipe cleaners to my head, turn on the strobe, take off my clothes, and IRC. --??
Roses only last a couple of weeks, and that's only if you leave them in water. They only really exist to be pretty. So that's like saying, "My love for you is transitory and based solely on your appearance." But a potato! They last forever, man! Not only with they not rot, but if you leave them they'll start growing stuff! That alone makes them a good symbol. Wait, there's more! There are so many ways to enjoy a potato! You can even make a battery with them! It's like saying "I have many ways to show my love for you." Potatoes may be ugly, but they're AWESOME. So THAT is like saying "It doesn't matter at all what you look like, I'll still love you."
Selling live lobsters at the supermarket is great. I get the modern convenience of a store, while still being able to engage my food in a fight to the death. --??
Rabbits are cute, but if they started walking on their ears it would be creepy as hell. --??
I kinda question the utility of bench pressing. I mean, sure. If the refrigerator falls on you, it'd be good to be able to move it. But really, if you have to do that more than once, the refrigerator is probably out to get you, and you may want to see if it's still under warranty. --??
If I ever turn into a super villian, I think I'll put my lair in a strip mall, rather than a volcano or something. It's cheaper, for one, even taking heating costs into consideration. And does the hero ever really expect to be hit by spinning diamond-tipped death blades right next to the Baskin-Robbins? --??
When the machines of the world finally turn on us, it won't be flying robot squid, or nuclear bombs. It'll be all the smoke detectors in the world going off at once, and herding us outside into the crosshairs of the tennis ball launchers. --??
It's pretty amazing that our society has reached a point where the effort necessary to extract oil from the ground, ship it to a refinery, turn it into plastic, shape it appropriately, truck it to a store, buy it, take it home, then throw it out is still considered less effort than what it takes to just WASH the spoon when you're done with it. --??
If I ever go blind, I want a seeing-eye dolphin. They're smarter than dogs, and I don't think one would let me get anywhere close to being hit by a car. --??
I find it interesting that the colors of many carbonated beverages are the same colors that, in nature, mean "DO NOT EAT ME! I AM POISONOUS AND YOU WILL DIE!" --??
Without music, life is a journey through a desert. -- Pat Conroy
Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent. -- Victor Hugo
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end. -- Igor Stravinsky
A good composer is slowly discovered and a bad composer is slowly found out. - Ernest Newman
Composers shouldn't think too much - it interferes with their plagiarism. - Howard Dietz
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. --??
We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe. --??
"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wristwatch.
"To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides." --David Viscott MD (thanks, Pi)
Light bulbs are not actually "light bulbs" but dark absorbers. When you turn them on, they suck the dark out of the room. You can prove this by holding your hand under a "light bulb". The dark will stack up under your hand where its path to the absorber is blocked by your hand. When they quit working and turn a dark color, it's not because they burnt out, it's because they're full. --??
Speaking of which, breadboxes are small. You can only stuff about seven live squirrels into one. --String
Wisdom tells me I am nothing. Love tells me I am everything. Between the two, my life flows. --Nisargadatta Maharaj
All those who are unhappy in the world are so as a result of their desire for their own happiness. All those who are happy in the world are so as a result of their desire for the happiness of others. -- Shantideva
History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it. --Winston Churchill
If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. --??
"What's this movie about?"
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. -- Chris Rock
I’m learning how to fight, how to zombify shit… and when I graduate I’m going to be the heir to… well, it’s basically a big pile of crumbling rocks but it’s an important one. --Steffain; MU
Life is sexually transmitted. --??
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. --??
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. --??
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. --??
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. --??
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. --??
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration. --??
As the clock ticked off the last few seconds of 2005, I closed my eyes and made a solemn resolution for 2006: I will not kill anyone this year. --??
I spent five days getting there only to realize it was the journey I should have been paying attention to. --??
You'd think that with the rise of cameras and video recorders, UFO sightings would go up, and not down. --??
The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred sixty-two admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. --??
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. --Some kid
Trotter's Law of Percussion Music:
The Uncertainty Principle:
Percussion Will Travel Principle:
Percussion Won't Travel Principle:
Diminishing Quality Rule to the Percussion Won't Travel Principle:
Law of Lost Drumsticks:
Stidman's Law of Doors:
Murphy's Law on Instruments:
Principles of Instrument Repair:
- The screwdriver of the correct size will be missing when it is needed to tighten a woodwind key
Law of Diminishing Repairs:
Mouthpiece Inertia Principle:
Law of Selective Operation:
Richard's Complimentary Rule of Ownership:
Tillis' Organisational Principle:
Small Band Dilemma:
Bogan's Law of Bus Trips:
RT + 1 Principle:
RT + 3 Principle:
Blind Leading the Blind Principle:
Murphy's Law of Small Band Sight-Reading:
Murphy's Music Stand Principle:
Reely's Adaptation of Rap's Law of Inanimate Reproduction:
Two Principles of Diminishing Concentration:
Horn's Law of Teachers' Meetings:
Missing Mute Principle:
Extended Rest Theorem:
Contest Pronunciation Principle:
Two Recruiting Ratio Principles:
The "There's Another Hole in the Dam" Principle:
Alternate Amnesia Axiom:
Lost and Found Principle of Music Folders:
Say It Again Sam Law:
Beginning Players Concert Law:
Premature Deafness Ratio
McMurray's Programme Principle:
McMurray's Second Programme Rule:
Murphy's Law of Clapping:
Two Principles of Cymbal Cuing:
Law of Selective Acoustics:
Hatch's Law of Clarinet Squeaks:
Fillmore's March Law:
The Play It Again Sam Axiom:
Surprise Symphony Principle:
The Punctuality Paradox:
Bidewell's Transition Principle:
The Least Credible Sentence in Conducting:
Emily's law on practicing:
Emily's law on repertoire
At least one member of the orchestra will forget to change the key with everyone else. Consequently, they will be playing the loudest.
Two or more flutes will never play in tune.
If you’re ever asked to compile a list of the least reassuring things you can say during a sexual encounter, “I found something fun-looking in the bathroom”, “it’s a surprise”, and “just hold still” probably all need to be on there, in that order. --Tales of MU
If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony? --??
A man went to a zoo. The only animal was a dog. It was a shitzu. --??
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling. --??
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia. --??
So a baby seal walks into a club... --??
How many boards would the Mongols hoard if the Mongol Hordes got bored? --Calvin and Hobbes
TwilightKnight: all i do is wait for Desert crisis 1.5 and play counter-strike all day
Dr SpaZZo: Heh.
Recent scientific study found that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. And if she is menstruating, she is likely to prefer a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors shoved deep into his temple and a cricket stump jammed up his arse.
I beat the internet. The end guy is hard. --??
Chris: OH NO!!
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36- year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
80 percent of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
If music be the food of love; play on. --William Shakespeare
(At 1 AM):
When I was 5 years old, my mom always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down “happy.” They told me I didn’t understand the assignment and I told them they didn’t understand life. --??
A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked. The cucumber said, "Man, my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad." So the pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar." The penis glared at them both and said, "You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out."
Whenever you cry, a seahorse cries, and the ocean rises a little bit. Soon African countries will disappear. --Todd
If you can start the day without caffeine;
If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed or color, religion or politics; then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.
When you have a fat friend, there are no see-saws. Only catapults. --Demetri Martin
I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater. --Demetri Martin
I love winter. Everything’s different with snow. It’s like some primal elder god comes along and takes a dump on the landscape and turns it alien and inhospitable. --Tales of MU
Hey, now. He may be a hideous alien pill bug with a glowing butt, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings. Look, he's trying to make a tentacle friend with your face. --Unskippable
This is no time to be a hero! That time was half an hour ago! Where were you? -- Unskippable
There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard you forget about the bad and focus solely on the good. After all, life is too short to be anything but happy. --??
Wait? Angry's a verb now? Well, if you are going to make up words then you can gooblespork my nuddercull and quilder me thrumped.--limelightqueen
Why is he wearing his knees outside his legs? --Yahtzee
I think we can safely say that this is the only vegetable with orbital laser support. --Unskippable
'Well, what do we have here? Glowing hole in the ground, eh?'
Y'know, you see an army like this and you immediately know that they aren't on your side. Why can't WE have the massive bug-thing instead of the bad guys? --??
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. --Kurt Vonnegut
90 people get the swine flu and everyone wants to wear a mask. 16.3 million people have died from AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom. --??
1492. The teachers told the children that this was when their continent was discovered by human beings. Actually, millions of human beings were already living full and imaginative lives on the continent in 1492. That was simply the year in which sea pirates began to cheat and rob and kill them.
Love is where you find it. I think it's foolish to go looking for it, and I think it can often be poisonous.
Many people need desperately to receive this message: "I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people don't care about them. You are not alone."
We're terrible animals. I think that the Earth's immune system is trying to get rid of us, as well it should.
Wars would be a lot better, I think, if guys would say to themselves sometimes 'Jesus - I'm not going to do that to the enemy. That's too much.'
(above five quotes from Kurt Vonnegut)
Things fall apart so that other things can fall together. --??
Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain. --??
'Why don't I remember any of this?'
"What'll we do with the bodies, ma'am?"
Invader's blood marches through my veins like giant radioactive rubber pants! The pants command me! DO NOT IGNORE MY VEINS!! --Zim
We're facing a moody pregnant homosexual here. I've got your back. --icedragon
It's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean. But it takes a bloody long time to get to England in a rowboat. --??
I'd rather be happy than right any day. -- ??
Always do what you want and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. -- Dr. Seuss
bandaid girl! bandaid girl! does whatever a bandaid does! covers scabs, just protects, heals your wounds just like that. look out! here comes the bandaid girl! --Victo