Feather La’s FAQ

The more time I spend on FanFiction and FictionPress, the more I find myself receiving the same review replies over and over. To help all of you curious readers and writers, here are the answers to the most frequently asked questions I receive.

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Q: Where did all your old stories go?!

A: Sorry, I cleaned out my account recently. I have them saved to my computer, so if there is some story of mine you would like to see again, I would be only to happy to email it to you or whatever. It's just that I was getting sick of all that old stuff, plus I'm going through editing on my story so it should be up to snuff when I go through and reload all the chapters. Gack.

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Q: OMG, stop flaming my stories, you flaming flamer! Why are you so mean?

A: Okay, ‘flaming’ is when somebody goes into a story specifically to insult a certain pairing, character, writer, genre, etc, with no regard to the actual quality of the work. An example: ‘Your story SUX. Edward/Bella is a stupid pairing. Why are you so dumb?’ I offer something completely different: constructive criticism. Yes, that is right. Read the last line over again, if it didn’t quite sink in. Constructive criticism is NOT the same thing as flaming. I do not specifically critic stories because I am PMSing and I hate everyone. I truly believe that everyone has the ability to become a good writer if they can pull the cotton swabs out of their nostrils and smell the coffee. If I write you a review that only states things that need to be corrected, you should take away two things:

1) You have the ability to improve; otherwise, I wouldn’t bother correcting you.

2) Right now, your writing is crap. So what? Ask any great writer, and they’ll tell you the same thing: been there, done that. GET OVER IT, get a beta reader, and get writing again because if you don’t, your writing will continue to be worthless. NOTE: I have been being nicer lately. Again, I don't want to kill your confidence, just make you better.

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Q: You say ‘PMS’ in your profile.

A: That’s not a question, but yes, yes I do. Every month, I bleed from the vagina. The cost of having two x chromosomes, I guess. Again: GET OVER IT.

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Q: I’m only 3 years old. Doesn’t that mean I don‘t have to write well?

A: No. I am not a teacher, my goal is not to bring you up to grade level, it is to direct you to be the best you can be. If you are writing at a Shakespearian level, then I want to bring you up to John Milton level (whom I happen to prefer. Honestly, how did Shakespeare get so famous?). ALSO: Why do people put their ages in their profile? I don't get it. There are exactly three reasons I can think of as to why:

1) You want to make friends on here in your age group. This raises a second question: why on earth would you want to do that? In real life maybe it matters how old people are, but on here, it really doesn't. Besides, this sight isn't for social networking. It's for writing.

2) You want to attract creepy old people to pretend that they're your age and send you lots of nice comments and messages. A life lesson: pretty soon the niceness stops, they try to meet you in person to rape you, shoot you in the head, and drop your body off a bridge. Rape isn't usually a crime that leaves the victim alive.

3) You want to point out that you are, in fact, very young, and therefore people shouldn't be over critical of your writing. As addressed in a previous paragraph, this makes me very angry. I used to do it, too, before I realized it was TOTALLY LAME. And yes, the word lame is lame, too. Whatever.

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Q: Nobody else said my story was bad, so that means you’re wrong. Why are you so wrong, you wronging wronger?

A: Maybe nobody else thinks your story needs improvement, maybe they just won’t say it, maybe they can't tell. That doesn’t mean that the mistakes aren’t there. Just because the ancient Mayans had no concept of 0, does that mean it didn’t exist? I am just a very, very critical reader. I'm looking for mistakes.

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Q: You said my story lacked character development, but aren’t I supposed to write about what I know?

A: To a degree, that is true, but if all authors only wrote about themselves, all books would be autobiographies. I interpret that saying as meaning research into events and time periods is necessary when writing about something you have never experienced, not that all characters you write about must be exactly like you. Besides, you should know your characters. You made them up.

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Q: You misread my piece. I meant for it to be more of a _ as apposed to a _. Go back, read it again, and then agree with me. Now.

A: Again, not a question, but here goes the mega speech: The point of FanFiction and FictionPress is to be able to post your work, see how readers react, and use that to figure out where you need to improve. If I come away with something different than what you intended, that means that YOU DIDN'T CONVEY YOUR POINTS WELL ENOUGH. Go back. Do it over. Message me once you’re done, and I’ll tell you what I think the second time. Just know this: FANFICTION.NET AND FICTIONPRESS.COM ARE NOT ABOUT GETTING AUTHORS TO FAUNE OVER YOUR HALF-ASSED, BARELY-COUNTS-AS-LITERATURE CRAP, they're about getting other authors, caring with them barrels of accumulated expertise, to pass down some of their superior knowledge so that you might, just might, come away a little better. If I hurt you feelings? Boohoo. You have a computer, that probably means that you are well fed, have a non-abusive family, and have a life ahead of you if you try to make one for yourself. Don’t go crying me a river if I DARED to give you an HONEST review and might have HEAVEN FORBID hurt your feelings.

Post Script Rant: When I give people this, I get this whole 'I bought this computer myself' thing. What is that supposed to mean? That you have a stable job in an economy that can support you? That you are not so severely disabled that you are unable to work or live in an extremely bigoted area that won't accept you into the job force? Wonderful. Remind me why I care.

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Q: Would you be willing to beta some stuff for me?

A: I would absolutely love to, but I am super busy lately. Super busy. Plus, I suck at spelling and grammar. I'm working to get better, but it's a process, I'm telling you. Sorry, and good luck finding a beta-reader!

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Q: Thanks for the review. You said that I should give more emotion in my piece. How do you think I could go about doing that?

A: My, what a MATURE and GRACIOUS author you are. I would be more than happy to offer some suggestions, and thank you for being a DEVOTED writer who is eager to improve, and likely will. Kudos’ to you, seeing as you are obviously MADE OF WIN. Unfortunately, I'll probably only be able to give some vague suggestions until summer, when I'm opening the doors to more hardcore writing help. For now, just re-reading parts of books that you thought were powerful is probably the best thing you can do. Brainstorm some words that remind you of a particular emotion and use them, think on your real life experiences and draw from those. Language is what will make your writing spectacular, not descriptions of bodily reactions. Good luck!

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Q: Does La stand for your initials, or for Los Angeles?

A: Neither. It's loosely based on Uglies by Scott Westerfeld, but it has some accumulated meaning beyond that which I'd rather not explain.

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Q: What do you look like?

A: Female, brown eyes, almost black hair, lime green fingernails and ever changing age.

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Q: Do you want to be, like, friends forever?

A: That’s pushing it. Quite frankly, no. Correspondent: sure. Friend: only if I know you in real life. Online conversations just get awkward after a while, you know?

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I would say that I'm sorry for coming off sounding harsh, but in all honesty, I'm not.

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Pending stories:

Rush (Novel, romance/horror/humor)

Cat considers herself a champion flirt. Over the years, she's won a lot of things. Drinks, curly fries, lifts to her house, kisses. Her latests conquest, however, is by far her greatest. Cat has flirted her way into an unwilling debt to the King of Death. And it is totally worth it.

Alternately:

Some people call it a drug. Some people call it a curse. We call it rush, and when you take it, it's like waking from a dream. Or diving into a nightmare.

The Dream Eaters (Novel, supernatural/horror/adventure)

It's not healthy to live this far down in your own mind. Believe me, I know. I'd get out, but here's the thing: He controls everything here. And he wants me to stay.

The Grimoire of Dawson Morgue (Short, horror)

No official summary. Emeline Dawson works in a morgue. She's the only employee of what was once a family business, but she certainly isn't alone. (Basicly, she's totally crazy and thinks of the corpses like clients.)

As the Crows Fly (Novel? adventure/horror)

“That’s your problem. He likes you. And you know what he does with things he likes.” He stared up at her with unreadable, amethyst eyes. “He keeps them.”

(The one with the girl who does tricks and the boy with the bird beak and no fingers)

Counterclockwise Conspiracy (Novel, romance/action/humor/horror... did I miss anything?)

He was seven. She was six.

“You’re nose is too big,” he said simply, glancing up from the book he was reading. The cover read Dante’s Inferno. His eyes dropped back to the text as soon as he was done speaking.

She blinked. He flipped a page.

“Are you autistic or something?” She asked, matching him for tact.

“No,” he replied. “But I am a registered genius, claustrophobic, and suffering from acute paranoia.” He closed his book and looked her up and down with narrowed eyes. “Do you want some egg noodles?”

Oh, yes. They were going to get along famously.

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'Expect poison from the standing water.'

-William Blake