Hi, this is Mr.Satire. In order to state the most important facts about myself first, let it be known that I AM A CHRISTIAN. That means that I promise that no matter which work of mine you read, it will include NO PROFANITY and NO SEXUAL JUNK. Not only do profanity and sexual junk go against my morals, they do not make a story any more interesting and they certainly make one less professional.

That aside, I hope you enjoy my works. Please tell me how you feel about them, good or bad. I usually try to add lots of humor to them, so let me know if I make you laugh. That is something I strive to do.

Personal stuff:

I'm an 18-year-old guy who looks fifteen (when I was 16 I was mistaken for being twelve - you can imagine how fun that is to play around with). I live in Florida. My hobbies include: paintball (major hobby), sketching, writing, photography, political cartooning, Command and Conquer Generals, inventing,ping pong, and Kaga Nomichi (a martial art). I like reading Dave Barry and Ann Coulter in particular. Music artists I like are Steven Curtis Chapman, Mark Schultz, News Boys, Nicole Nordeman, Casting Crowns, Falling Up, Kutless, Toby Mac, DC Talk, Mark Harris, 4 Him, Switchfoot, and probably many others that I can't think of right now. I also like The Hamster Dance, and Banana Phone - Fast Version (which are songs of course, not bands).

I have a few favorite authors on Fictionpress that I want to endorse here:

EmptynessFilled: A good buddy of mine who has a knack for creating deep plot lines and adding multiple conflicts. He has a current ongoing work that I greatly encourage all to read called "Change the World."

Sting Ferdinand:An experienced author who adds lots of humor to his writings. He is very talented at illustrating interesting chemistry between multiple figures, and though I'm not sure how, he can involve twenty-something main characters in one story while still remembering their attributes.See "The Seventeen Strangers."

Bob Evans: Thriller extraordinaire. He just completed a story called, "Above the Surface" that you, yes you, should read.

scottie's world: A professional at imagery and emotion, her works engulf the reader like no other that I have read on Fictionpress. The plots she develops are as intricate as they are touching. "Coming up to Breathe" is a must read!

Orual: Sixteen-year-old girl who easily surpasses me in story content, organization, vocabulary, story presentation,... need I go further? I recommend everything she writes, but especially "No Offence."

Finally, if you like my works, please read 'WINNER TAKES OIL' I hope you like what you read, and I am going to add many more chapters in the future.

Wait, wait! Don't leave yet! I have something really important I need to tell you! I just found out from my snazzy college textbook on conceptual chemistry that "the probability is" that, beyond this universe, there is another universe in which I have already finished my story 'WINNER TAKES OIL'! Actually, there are multiple universes like this, and in each one, I'm farther in the future. THEREFORE, for those of you who have the means to do this, pleeeease travel into the next universe for me and tell me 1) how 'WINNER TAKES OIL' ends, 2) if it's good, and 3) how future food tastes! Bring back some chocolate cake! And while you're at it, some milk, too! "The probability is" that I am almost out of milk!

More Fun Conceptual Chemistry Quotes:

"You are made of stardust, as is everything that surrounds you."

"We are literally breathing one another."

!NOTICE!: It seems that I have made a dire error in one of my works! In "ICE CUBES: Frigid Assassins," I state that 'The Dam' is a nearly incounterable defensive maneuver employed by Crescent Cubes and that the only way that one may counter it in certain cups and glasses is to lunge one's tongue out to break the cube's seal. Upon experimentation, I have found that this does not work. However, I have found another way! Hey, wake up! You're drooling all over your shirt! Good you're awake. Alright, here's how to counter The Dam:

Once the Crescent Cube has formed its seal and is arrogantly mocking you for your lack of ingenuity, yell, "You think you're smart, DON'TCHA, MR.CRESCENT CUBE!?" in front of a crowd of people. This causes the cube to let its guard down. Next, suck on the edge of the cube until it slides sideways, allowing whatever you're drinking to pass on both sides of it. Then, bite down softly on the top of the cube, holding it in place. It is now trapped and at your mercy! You may either 1)repeat this every time you take a sip or 2)take the cube into your mouth and suck on it or spit it out. It's up to you now, not the cube!

I hope this helps all of you who check my profile everyday for new solutions to foiling the tactics of Ice Cubes.

--GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS!--

It's RANT TIME!

This evening, while parked in the Walmart parking lot, a wonderous device called 'the radio' brought an issue to my attention. I had temporarily switched stations from my usual radio station that plays Christian music to a Christian talk radio station because, as has been my misfortune as of late, no sooner did I turn the radio on, but 88.1 was playing that depressing song by Nichole Spomberg(h)! Yes, as hard as it is to believe, her singing style is MORE ANNOYING than her last name. Now, to all of those Nichole Spomberg(h) (snicker, snicker) fans out there, I apologize for being so derogatory, but it may please you to know that this rant isn't about her last name; it is, infact, about the United States government. Anyway, while I was on this Christian talk radio station, they were talkng about the possibility of making laws in which speaking the name of Jesus in public would be considered hatespeech. Now, some of you may say, "But, Mr.Satire, you said 'possibility.' That course of action has not been taken so far." Well, guess what, Mr. (or Mrs. or Ms. - can't be sexist) Imaginary Contender, you said "so far." Then you may say, "But, Mr.Satire, I'm an IMAGINARY Contender. Thus, you are making me say what you THINK someone of an opposing viewpoint would say," and I would say, "Well, guess what, Mr.Mrs.Ms.Imaginary Contender, I just made you say that, TOO, and it was quite oppositionary!" Imaginary Contenders aside, I must point out that the U.S. government has created and is considering creating a great many laws that equal such a proposition in absurdity, many of which were created by the Supreme Court (i.e. no organized prayer in public schools, push to take "under God" out of the Pledge of Allegiance, etc.). THEREFORE, I'm ticked off at the U.S. Supreme Court! They are SUPPOSED to be some of the wisest Americans in America! I mean, they judge whether laws are 'constitutional' (a VERY broad term recently, I might add) or not, and are one of the three VITAL branches of our government! That's more than mildly important! I find it farcical that they can 'explore' the deepest depths and most cavernous crevices of the Constitution and produce frail, nearly disintegrating, dirt clods such as the premise of "separation of church and state" and the protection of the right to have an abortion and COMPLETELY OVERLOOK the diamonds that lie at the entrance to the dungeon (i.e. the FIRST amendment, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."), which is disregarded daily! I suppose that dirt clods are equal to diamonds in a world where discrimination is hailed as the unpardonable sin!

sHouT ouT to my NiZZLeS! (did I spell it right?)

First and foremost, it must be understood that no racially biased connotation accompanies the word, "NiZZLeS," as per the use of Mr.Satire, incorporated, and any affiliated parties, etc. Mr.Satire, inc., and his affiliated parties reserve the right to use "NiZZLeS" in any instance heretofore judged pertinent in the state of Kentucky, the state of confusion, or the liquid state of matter, and so on.

Hey, everybody! I just wanted thank you all for reading and reviewing my works!

I know that four months seems like a long time to have not logged onto FictionPress, but I guarantee you that that is merely a chronological illusion, and that four months is actually a very short period of time when refrenced against the length of... the Cold War, which lasted from about 1945 to 1990.

Okay, I'm really just trying to justify myself.

Anyway, thank you! Your continued support means alot to me! I'm supremely glad that I have accomplished my goal of making you laugh, and I hope that I continue to do so in the future. Who knows? Maybe I'll start writing on FictionPress again and get the chance to entertain you even more!

Until then, God bless you all, and keep on writing!

-Mr.Satire-

P.S. Happy Bunny SO does not PWN me!