Hello

I'm a former lurker who finaly decided to join on a whim more than anything.

I love to read and there are some excellent stories here. Though I like to write I have never actually finished a story largly due to my habit of constantly changing what happens in the story so much so that the story doesn't make sense.

Or when I'm actually capable of keeping a story on track I'll be able to write some of it then I'll get writer's block which is fucking annoying and frustrating.

Though i am good at making character's appearances, habits,fears,general attitude and beliefs, pasts if I'm lucky, and sometimes the world they live in if they don't live here.

I enjoy using strange names for them. It probably matches my odd often perverted sense of humor.

Jokes

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down 500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen Darlin, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

Bill Clinton, George Bush and George Washington were on the Titanic.

As the boat was sinking, George Washington heroically shouts, ''Save the women!''

George Bush hysterically screeches, ''Screw the women!''

And Bill Clinton's eyes light up and he says, ''Do we have time?''

What's the definition of a teenager?
God's punishment for enjoying sex.

What's the ultimate in rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

Things Found Only In America

1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America...do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."

10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

Quotes

A story quote from a story of fanfiction.net can't remember the story

Iruka having fun manhandling Kakashi. “I’ll name you Sniper, and you shall be mine and you shall be my Sniper.”

quotes that i can't remember where they came from

Sowing seeds is a choice you make for yourself. But do NOT sow the ones that become a pain in my ass, dimwit.

Know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with until you realise who's in command around here.

The stupider they think you are, the more surprised they'll be when you kill them.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped

Only two things are infinite; the universe, and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

The truth is always more unbelievable than bullshit

It is better to be bound by what you choose than by your fear of losing what you have chosen.

If I didn't have writing, I would be running down the street hurling grenades in people's face

Tell me. What's it like living in the perpetual haze of stupidity?

You're a team player, a save-the-day superhero...I hate people like you

Do you know why I chose him as my partner? So I wouldn't have to fight him myself. He's more cutthroat than I am in battle and utterly ruthless

Reader, suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress...but I repeat myself.

It's official; we are all a world of special.

We're all practically on Death's doorstep, ringing the bell repeatedly, like maniacal girl scouts intent on making quota!

Heaven for climate; Hell for society

Vampire: You should have died! It was written!

Buffy: Sorry. I flunked the written.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill. Courage to kill the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those who have pissed me off today

It takes 42 muscles to frown, and only four to flip them the bird and tell them to fuck off

There's a fine line between sanity and insanity and I believe I crossed it a few hundred miles back

Everything in this room is eatable, even I’m eatable. But that would be considered cannibalism, my dear children, and is frowned upon in most societies

"He's trying to talk in his sleep when he's awake."

"Logic is panic's prey."

Trouble? what is that any way? What is it to get in trouble? To some Trouble is just fun