I think we should get married," I say. I wait for Lainey’s response, but I only hear silence. I turn to look at her and die a little bit inside. Fuck my life. I just proposed my girlfriend to sleep. For the Popping That Question Contest.

“Jeez, you’re such a creeper.” Joey crosses her arms over her chest. “I didn’t know you were following me. What if I came in here to masturbate or something?” Carson shrugs his shoulders. “Hey, you wanna masturbate, go right ahead. I don’t judge.”

I go into the kitchen and pour myself some Lucky Charms. I know, they’re not vegan. But I simply can’t resist them. They really are magically delicious. For the Breaking Up, Making Up Contest.

“Who are you? God?” I demand. “Maybe I am. And with the way you’ve been treating me, well, you’re going to hell, buddy,” she says indignantly. “Yeah,” I sneer. “I’m sure that God definitely goes around kicking third graders in the balls."

I never broke the best friend rule until now, when I got a little bit too friendly with my best friend. And the incidence of too much friendliness did not just involve lips. There was also a bed mixed in there somewhere. And nakedness. A lot of nakedness.

“Well at least I don’t hook up with every blonde bimbo who crosses my path,” I say venomously, which was so, so stupid. Allison James isn’t even blonde – I’m a blonde. I just called myself a bimbo! Aw, jeez. I really need to work on my comebacks.

You know when you see a rhinoceros, or whatever running around in the wild, you find it sort of breathtaking because the animal is beautiful and powerful." My eyebrows go way up at that. He just compared me to a rhino. While proposing. Oh. My. God.